All Comments on 'The Dead Rilke at Salomé’s Grave'

Shame (since it was Rilke) it wasn't a sonnet in tetrameter, but why quibble, easy 100

Like this:

But her moisture had merely beaded

On their featureless surface

But not this:

Mown close to the sweet earth.

UUSS

it jumps like zombie

and "sweet" strikes me as filler

I doubt you could write anything truly bad even if you were trying. And yet this feels too descriptive to me: phrases like "sweet earth," "deep shade," "finely oiled" sound too too for my ear, bordering on cliche. You move away from those phrasings as you get more into the poem and I suspect that if you reworked it to cut the description back you'd have a leaner, stronger poem. But just my opinion, of course. :-)

I hope, but I find this group of characters unsympathetic and prefer the levity accorded to them by Jarry and Satie. This perhaps colours my judgement of the poem, but I agree largely with Angeline. Nevertheless, I admire the closing stanzas.

But you handle it with competence. I can't say it's my kind of poem, or a reference and allusion that means much to me. But I see a piece crafted with care, so there's that.

My issue with this is that I don't really manage to wrap my head around the peeps involved. They are names revoked, but not brought back to life. It kind of presuppose deeper understanding of the context, and that ain't mine.

and, as such, well-suited to its setting.

i enjoy your use of breaks to create that space between words, stretch a thought, make it contemplative, just as the figure standing "in the deep shade of summer, far out of the heavy light of examination, embarrassed and crisp in his new conscience" is contemplative. WHAT a fabulous phrase. well, it is in my books, anyway. :) to wear his conscience like a slightly stiff, not-yet-used-to shirt or suit .. you made me look at that, feel it, very closely.

other phrases such as "she painted grace onto several men" and "But her moisture had merely beaded/ on their featureless surface/ as if their skin were finely oiled by convention/ or ordinary fears" leave me feeling enriched for their reading.

your pacing is, imo, exquisite. this has already been recommended by 1201, but i wouldn't hesitate to second and even third that.

This has the wow factor for me, beautiful words and I love the ending

There's not much I can add except maybe (this is a tentative opinion) that you need to watch the creep of the wanton use of adjectives.

forgot, getting a recommend.

a dead William Blake