This Is Your Life

“Be strong,” he said, as my heart bled.
“You shouldn’t feel,” I was saying to myself in my head.
“Shut-up,” are the thoughts I keep telling myself when I want to experience love.
“This isn’t your life,” was all I could think while I sobbed in bed.

When I hurt like that all I want to do is hide,
Finding my clam shell and climbing in to close it up.
All my happy thoughts go washing away with the tide,
I don’t know what to do but say I can’t be loved and resort to stuff.

“Being me isn’t difficult,” I tell myself as I push away any thoughts of being wanted.
I climb in bed alone.
Shoving all I have desired into a closet and closing the door, just to be taunted,
I am cold like a stone.

Stay right there. Don’t feel. Be ignored. You aren’t seen. Be strong. Quiet.

All my life I have had too many feelings.
Maybe that’s why my dad drank, because he was like me.
I throw the flogger and release my meanings,
Only now is the time when I have the joy I seek.

Fly away, fly away, rubber bands only sting when they are soaring,
I fly away in my balloon, over the hills and trees that look like moss.
Rubber bands only sting as they impact the skin, never boring,
When will I feel normal, maybe dad did when he hit the sauce?

Outstretched arms and his laughter with only imprints of his hands remain,
The purples bruises stayed for days on my skin.
It was a lie I told that I wasn’t in pain,
Don’t touch me now. Can you believe it was my kin?

Find myself. Don’t cry. Be heard. Yell. Now I do feel.

Hurting myself with my words, I find solace,
Peace and quiet I want in my brain.
That’s all I wanted when I break the glass,
Quiet are my thoughts and away goes the pain.

Softer are my thoughts are now,
The tears have rolled onto my shirt,
I find myself with feelings I will tomorrow embrace,
It’s just now that I can’t face.

Cry and cry, release those tears,
Tomorrow, tomorrow I tell myself,
I will have no fear.

It’s okay for now, roll on down the road,
Pick up where you left off.
Just carry your load,
Tomorrow you will be soaring and at yourself you will not scoff.

Be strong. You can feel. Never shut-up. This is your life.