All Comments on 'Uncommon Scents'

You open with a very strongly rythmic first stanza, and a second stanza that almost but not quite reinforces the metre - the third stanza, which I don't quite get anyway, then stands out rather abruptly before returning to the original strong metre in the fourth.

You need to revisit the first line, it isn't strong enough for the rest of the poem. I think the errant word is childish, it comes from the wrong language and the ch is too aggressive for the line - I'd suggest unformed in a workshop as it also reinforces the alliterative n sound. You could probably find something better.

A

As you know AH, I typically prefer free verse over rhyme but less so meter. I get S3; it connects well IMO with S1, but S2 interrupted the “boyish wonder” with “Old peoples’ domiciles” and death.

I think a new penultimate stanza would be a good segue. For some reason I began thinking of adolescence with its raging hormones which we don’t quite understand and the scent of perfume.

‘Unformed’ is a very nice suggestion (ag’s) to substitute for ‘childish’. Or if you’d like, naive. And that third stanza sounds clinical and fails to evoke the desired connotations. It just doesn’t fit with the rest in imagery - it’s like a bucket (at the very least a cup) of cold water on an otherwise affectionate and warm poem.

You’ve explained why you like the third stanza, but I think in this instance, this is one of those darlings you may need to sacrifice.

Affectionately yours, M