All Comments on 'You and me'

Edited this to a place where I can't fault it, the questioning and parsing as well as assembling everyone's crtiques and comments to better th piece in my opinion gives you the mark of intelligent reasoning. The poem is still true to its voice and your view but condensed packs a stronger punch.

A while ago I said in the New Poem Recommendations thread that a poem was the best first poem I had seen submitted on Literotica. This now takes that prize – though as it has been through the threads etc perhaps it will be disqualified. The judges are still discussing that and are making it known that they amenable to bribery.

Moving, accomplished, beautifully crafted. Very well done indeed. You have made a bit of a rod for your own back by setting such a high standard. How are you going to follow this up?

I've seen this one through the threads and I admired it there, but now you made it just perfect and I am very glad you submited it. To me it speaks of a relationship in a constantly accelerating development, untill it is understood as in the last two lines. Both execution and its exposition have taught me something today. Thanks.

And of course highly 5ed!

I've commented already in PF&D, but if ratings are important to you, I entered a 5. I'd rate it higher if I could. The poem is that good.

I don't know whether this was intentional, but your spacing almost makes this a shape poem: I can see the shape of the bonsai tree in it and that the tree is skewed to one side, not perfect, which seemed a theme of the poem to me. So that is just a great marriage of content and form.

5-ed also I hope you get an H it deserves it

Bonsai gardeners / competitors succinctly in verse : wonderful !! high5-ed .

for your comments. I appreciate it.

@Cleardaynow

I guess I'll follow up by paying a visit to said judges... :) Seriously, though, I suppose I should give it time, until I come across something worth polishing.

@Angeline

One of my edit attempts was to give it the form of a tree, but it turned out very bad! Now that you mention, yes, it does look like a stylized bonsai, with the pot and the canopy hanging to the side. I wish it were intentional, but it isn't. :)

for the celebration-5ed

what a long strange trip this potted plant's been in on the threads, probably a good thing it wasn't a redwood,kameraden

I like how it immediately rhymes by capitalizing on the title.

and look at that, an H right off the bat :D nice one. and it IS nice, given the people who're commenting and voting on this piece.

a whole lot of consideration and thought has gone into your edit to make this, even if the shape IS serendipitous (shhhh... they don't need to know that, lol). i do believe it's a success :D

I am very impressed! I wouldn't change a thing about this poem. It is spare, like a bonsai, yet it says so much. Excellent work! :)

Congrats on the H and being number 1 on the poetry top-list!

~ nj

Beauty, in pain and beauty in pain.

it has a legitimate function, TK U MLJ LV NV

and you have painted a picture in my head. I love when poems turn to pics inside me! That means you have done a very good job :)

~ maria

Small but perfectly formed 5ed :-)

Thank you all for your comments, and for reading. I appreciate it.

@HoneyAdored: it was originally longer, but I decided to trim it down to bonsai size to make each word relevant. It's all arguable, though — sometimes I feel it could use some padding, to gradually go from the "pretty seed" beginning to the "atrophy" end. Hm. *scratches chin* Circular editing...

@Maria: Thank you again; I'm glad it has facilitated those images for you. Though hopefully good images. :)

@Tazz: Hm... I wonder what is the legitimate function you speak of.

@Trix: and pain in beauty. ;)

...each word packs a punch.

I think you did right to trim it down to the perfect size and shape ;-)

Less is definitely more!...This is a prime example :-)

Beautifully done and powerfully raw!

I gotta say, not a fan. An effort, worth a C - if any of my seventh graders turned it in. For an adult ... not that much. More like prose than poem.

can i please read others works shared by you? Honestly this resonates with me more than i can handle