3 Crushes and a Wedding - Ch. 01

"I met Valentina when I was eleven. Before her, I was just a kid interested in kid things, I didn't know or understand love besides what I'd seen in movies and books and songs. It didn't take long before my feelings for her intensified to a point where I had no control over them. I looked forward to her class the most, to the sight of her, the smell of her perfume when she passed by my desk, the smile she always gave when she looked at me, the slightest touch when she handed me assignments and papers. She only taught me for a year, and when it was over, I was devastated."

I paused for a second to prepare for the rest.

"I started writing her secret letters and poems after that. I thought I could fake my handwriting but she recognized it immediately. Every few months, I'd send her a new batch. It went on for a couple of years, until she was reassigned to a different school, and I was left even more heartbroken than before. I knew it was all in my head, but still, she was the reason I started questioning my feelings and sexual orientation. She was a crush worthy of the name... and verb."

I snickered at the word play. And that reminded me once more that I owed my love of words in huge part to her.

Kay chuckled too but didn't say a thing. She remained fixated on the sea. Here was my best friend, who understood me better than anyone, who was fun and pretty and easy to deal with. Why could we not have also clicked romantically? Why did love need to be dramatic and devastating? It'd be so much easier if we could fall for each other, but alas, we had made the mistake of attempting to go down that path once and quickly realized we just didn't work together that way.

"Next there was Megan... I was sixteen, nearly seventeen, and it had been two years, maybe, since I last saw Valentina, but my young dramatic heart was still mourning the loss. Megan and her corgi Buttons moved next door to us and the moment I saw her, it was like a ray of sunshine had finally come into my life. My mom used to work late, and somehow Jeff and I found ourselves under Megan's supervision after school. Jeff was nine at the time, and got up to all kinds of tricks with Buttons, so he needed most of the attention... even more than he does now."

I smiled at the thought of my little brother and his shenanigans.

"I was living inside my own head at the time. Megan didn't have to take care of me, but still, little by little, she got me out of my shell, and we started discussing everything, from poetry to science to politics, society, movies, and TV shows. Talking to her was so easy. She was fresh out of college so there wasn't that much of an age difference between us, and she was smart, confident, outspoken. She brought joy and calm to my sad and tormented teenage years. I don't know how it happened, I certainly didn't expect it, but one day I realized I had fallen for her."

I paused for a few seconds to collect my thoughts.

"It wasn't the painful crushing feeling I had for Valentina, but it was still very intense and very confusing. She stayed in the apartment for about fifteen months, and the day she told me she had to move away was... soul-crushing. There was no point in a confession now. Over a few days, I helped her get her things ready, but there was no more joy in our chats, no more ray of light. It was like the entire mood of the room had shifted between us."

I felt tears well up in my eyes. One of them slowly ran down my cheek.

"I had to spend the weekend with dad; tried to get out of it, but couldn't. When I was back, the paw-shaped welcome mat in front of her apartment wasn't there anymore. Mom told me she was gone and left me hugs and kisses. I didn't have a chance at a proper goodbye. Didn't have her number or contact to reach out to her."

I wiped the slowly falling tears away.

Kay got closer and held me in her arms. I buried my face in her shoulder, tears slowly trickling down. For a few minutes, all I did was silently cry while Kay brushed my hair with her fingers and the sound of the wind, waves, and my sobs punctuated the stillness. Then I let go and wiped my face.

"And then there was Scarlett, which you witnessed. I know these were all a long time ago, Kay, I know they're just childish, melodramatic obsessions, I know nothing happened with any of them and it was likely all in my head, but dammit... these three, they changed me and influenced my life. One look at them and I'm that nervous, introverted, confused, little girl again. All those insecure and overwhelming feelings come back up and I can't control them."

I leaned on the ramp again and looked at the sea. The tears were gone but the ruminations were still playing back in my head. Thought after thought streaming in, uninterrupted, like the waves crashing on the shore.

Kay leaned next to me. "You know my coming out story wasn't as complicated as yours. I guess I was blessed that it was all very clear to me from the beginning." I nodded; she was lucky she didn't have to go through what I did. "Seeing you after Scarlett all those years ago, and seeing you now, I can only begin to imagine how hard it must've been for you. But you know what, I'm glad you can at least voice the feelings now."

She paused briefly and rubbed my arm, then continued.

"I... I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with, but I really think we should be there for Em this weekend... And I'll be there for you. It's your call, you can pack up and leave and I'll figure out an excuse to give Em. But if you decide to stay, I'll raid the kitchen and bar with you, and find all the hiding places for us to avoid seeing some of these unwanted guests."

She wasn't kidding. I could rely on her to do all of that.

"I'm staying." It wasn't even a question.

"Good."

She was about to say something else but stopped herself. "What? Just say it."

She hesitated a bit. "If I believed in God like you do, I'd think he put all three of them here for a reason. Like we said back there," she tilted her head toward the hotel, "it's a great opportunity for you to find some proper closure and put these stories behind you for good."

I couldn't agree more. "That's a huge part of why I'm staying."

Kay smiled. "Now what? Want to go back in there or to your room?"

I gulped. "In there." Maybe it was a mistake, maybe I wasn't ready, but I wanted to see them again. Partly to confirm that it wasn't all an illusion, partly because the teenage girl in me craved to look at them again.

"Alright."

We walked back to the hotel, stopped by the bathroom to fix my face, and reentered the bar. I immediately scanned the room, looking for them. Things hadn't changed much. Megan still sat by herself at the bar, while Valentina and Scarlett were with the same group, though Dave had moved to another one. My eyes caught Valentina's for the tenth time and I thought I saw a smile on her lips. Was she happy I was back? Scarlett hadn't noticed me yet. All the better.

"Where to?" Kay asked.

"Bar." I had to start with Megan, ray of sunshine Megan.

I walked over and sat on the stool right next to her, leaving no space between us this time. Kay silently followed me and sat on my other side.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Megan turn to acknowledge the presence next to her, turn away, then snap her head back. She stared for two seconds or three, long enough for me to justify looking at her as if questioning why a stranger was fixated on me.

My eyes met hers and I was propelled through time and space, to the couch in her apartment, Buttons resting his head on my lap, hot cocoa in my hand, having one of our endless discussions, her intense but kind green eyes smiling at me, a hint of something more profound being shared between us.

I pretended not to recognize her at first, then slowly changed my expression. I'm not sure my acting skills were up to par, but that didn't matter much. The mixed shock and smile on her face told me she wasn't focused on my reaction, but on me.

"Oh my god, it's you!" She finally let out and launched herself toward me, tightly hugging me.

I thought I was ready. I wasn't. I tumbled and crashed inside my own head, unable to find equilibrium or sanity while her body was melded to mine. It was the same feeling I used to have when she hugged me in the past. Except now, I was old enough not to be puzzled by it, old enough to recognize the signs of emotional connection as well as those of physical attraction.

A distinct perfume with aqua notes enveloped me, cool and fresh like everything else about her. She laughed against my ear and my breath caught in my chest. I was unraveling, but as with every other time I'd been around her, it was a serene, perhaps even happy unraveling.

"Zoe," my name rang with a new-found melody, coming from her.

"Meg," I whispered against her ear and felt her shiver.

She slowly tore herself away from me. I let her go, but my arms ached to have her again.

"It's been ages!"

"Too long," I answered without thinking, a hint of sadness in my voice.

A brief shadow clouded her happy expression, but she quickly wiped it off. "God, look at you! I'm not sure what that says about me and my age, but you're a grown woman now!" she playfully tapped my hand and giggled.

Heavens, I'd missed that ringing laugh and its secret power to lift my spirits up.

"You're just as gorgeous as before," I replied seriously, hoping she'd see it as the honest truth and not a social pleasantry. She blushed. I squeezed her hand and didn't let go. She'd have to tear it away from me.

"What are you doing here?"

"Bridesmaid. I'm a close friend of Emily."

"No way!" She interjected. "Bridesmaid as well. I grew up next door to her. That's one big coincidence."

"A happy one, I hope?" I'm not sure why I asked, or why I still needed validation from her. The fact that she'd never reached out to me again, even though I'd made myself easily accessible through all social media -- unlike her -- had left me bitter and unsure of anything.

"Of course!" She was hugging me once more, her face less than an inch away from mine, her arms wrapped around me like I'd always dreamt they'd be. She let go again and I forced myself to do the same. "I'm so glad you're here! We'll have plenty of time to catch up."

I tried not to think of the two other women I'd have to catch up with as well, or how I'd have to divide my time between all three of them. And Em's wedding things, of course.

"Have you seen Emily yet?" I needed the neutral topic. Besides, I was starting to get worried. The bride shouldn't be late to her own wedding's welcome party.

"Yes, she came in a few minutes ago and..." Megan scanned the room and stopped, "there she is."

I followed her eyes and landed straight on Emily and Dave, now in a group with Valentina, Scarlett, and a few others. Valentina was staring at me for the umpteenth time, but it was Scarlett that caught my attention. For the first time of the night, her eyes met mine and electrified me. Recognition and shock spread on her face, then she controlled herself and snuck a little cautious smile. I replicated it as best I could while my heart thumped against my chest.

Emily started gesturing toward us. It took me a couple of seconds to understand that she wanted us to come over. Come over there, to where she was standing, with Valentina and Scarlett...

Let. That. Sink. In.

I could not, could I? Would my feet even carry me the distance? And what would I do when I'm over there in a group with an open buffet of my past obsessions? Do I pretend it's all normal? Do I panic and storm out to my room, never to be seen for the rest of the weekend? Or do I whip out bedazzled stickers and matching bracelets to hand out to each of them? 'Teenage crushes forever!' That'd be fun.

"We should probably answer the bride's call." Megan was down on her feet.

On my other side, Kay, who had discreetly followed most of our conversation, was standing up too. Emily had gestured toward all three of us. "Come on, duty calls," she said while holding out her hand for me. I didn't want to.

Megan eyed Kay, probably wondering where she came from and why she was tagging along. Ever the perceptive one, Kay broke the ice and introduced herself as my friend and one of the bridesmaids too. They shook hands, while still waiting for me to come off my stool.

I looked at the floor and reluctantly slid down. The ground felt shaky beneath my feet. Kay squeezed my hand knowingly and whispered, "Say when."

As we walked over to Emily's group, I tried to keep my eyes on the bride but they disobeyed me several times and drifted to the other two women. This couldn't end well, but between unmitigated disaster and semi-disaster, there was a bit of wiggle room. Things were about to get interesting. So I rummaged through the remainder of my sanity and found a cool expression to plaster on my face. This should do the trick. Inside me, on the other hand, was a raging war.

"We were starting to get worried, missy," Kay expertly broke the tension again and leapt toward Em.

"Had to go pick up mom. Her taxi broke down on the way from the airport," Emily replied while giving each of us a hug. "I see you three already met, saves me the bridesmaids intros."

"Oh, we already know each other." Megan squeezed my upper arm, eliciting awkward glances from Valentina and Scarlett. "Go figure, but we were neighbors too!" Her unwavering chirpy attitude was the only light in this bleak tunnel.

Scarlett jumped on the opportunity. "We know each other too," her voice was just as nasal as I remembered, but the signature undulations were also there, creating a mix that was more charming than annoying. "These two interned for my sister several years ago."

She went for Kay first, shaking her hand and making quick small talk, while I waited with trepidation. I stole a glance at Valentina, who still seemed perplexed by everything about me, and Megan who appeared to be cautiously measuring the entire situation.

When Scarlett turned toward me, her expression shifted. Her laser focus concentrated on me, emptying the room in one fell swoop. Everyone and everything else disappeared. She hugged me tightly and a happy "Zoe" slid into my ear, punctuating her move. I hugged her back, conflicted between my feelings for her and the boiling anger I directed at her.

I didn't know how to react. Megan, who had her hand on my lower back, dropped it instantly. In front of me, Valentina shifted uncomfortably on her feet and lowered her eyes. For a brief moment, it was clear to everyone that Scarlett had the upper hand, and I wondered if the other two weren't jealous about it.

"We should catch up!" Scarlett let go of me, a big beaming smile on her face. I was livid. How dare she take things this nonchalantly when the last time we spoke, she accused me of being a pervert -- among other words I wouldn't repeat -- physically pushed me away from her, nearly slapping me in the process, and stormed out never to be seen again at her sister's company until I was done with my internship? What kind of catching up do you do with someone like that? Do you sit and reminisce about all the ugly homophobic slurs they said to you, or do you go over all the effort and years it took to mend your shattered self-esteem?

I glared at her and whispered a sarcastic, "Definitely," though I'm sure the irony was lost on everyone but her, Kay, and me.

Unaware of the tension, Em jumped in and started introducing us to the rest of the group. We nodded at a couple of Dave's groomsmen whom I would have found interesting or attractive on any other day, then she reached Valentina's husband, whose name I quickly forgot, followed by Valentina.

I'd been apprehending the moment, unsure of what to do. Do I remind her of who I was or do I let it slide and give myself some breathing room so I only have two women to worry about and not three?

But when she bore her eyes into my soul, still seemingly unsure of my identity but perplexed by my familiarity, I couldn't hold it anymore. My decision was made.

"Actually, I know you as well. You taught me Spanish a long time ago." She furrowed her brows; here goes nothing. "Zoe is my middle name, but you might recognize me by my first one, Ellen."

No sooner had I pronounced that last word than her face switched to an expression of surprise and recognition. She lunged toward me, a happy "Oh wow, Ellen!" accompanying the movement.

As she wrapped her arms around my body, warmth enveloped me, along with a cloud of her intoxicating perfume. She still used the same one, of course she did. I was immediately transported back in time by its unashamedly feminine deep rose fragrance and bold, spicy notes. She also still looked the same, even up close. She laughed in my ear and rubbed my back and I melted in her arms, like I had every single time she'd hugged me before. Fear, insecurities, confusion, everything went away, replaced by a sensation of safety and appreciation. Valentina always had that motherly effect on me, even if my feelings toward her weren't all that virtuous.

"I'm beginning to think you know more people at my wedding than I do!" Em laughed aloud and the group followed suit.

Valentina chuckled and ended our hug, though my hand was somehow still in her grasp. "We need to sit down and talk," she insisted before letting go. I agreed.

Part of me was just relieved the introductions were over, but the other part was terrified of what would ensue. I'd spent years thinking of the moment I'd see these three women again, but I had definitely not planned for it to happen on the same day for all of them.

Over the next fifteen or twenty minutes, our large group talked about our flights over, Costa Rica, the hotel, the wedding,... i.e. everything and nothing in particular. Megan, who had seemed uncomfortable after the other two women's pouncing attitudes, slowly gained back her footing. From the corner of my eye, I saw her smile again, then she joked from time to time, and she tapped me playfully on the arm twice, eliciting awkward looks from Scarlett and Valentina.

Scarlett was herself again, chatting and smiling, stealing long looks at me every now and then, putting up a friendly attitude on the outside, but ever so difficult to read. And Valentina literally did not take her eyes off me. I enjoyed the attention, even if it was a little disconcerting.

I was starting to feel comfortable, and flattered, in the middle of all this oozing femininity, but I knew I couldn't push my luck. When Em and Dave had to move away to greet another group, I excused myself, smiled at my three crushes and wished to see them the next day, then walked back to the bar to hand over my glass.

Kay followed me, checking if I needed anything. I assured her that I was happy with my progress for the night, and preferred to take a breath of air then go up to my room. She decided to stay and assume the bridesmaid duty for both of us.

I walked out to the hotel pool deck, the ideal place to quiet all my inner thoughts. I spotted the stairs leading down to the beach and took them then plopped on one of the long chairs.

My head and heart were overwhelmed with sensations. Happiness and excitement to see these gorgeous women again, gratitude for the way the first contact with all three of them had gone, apprehension about the rest of the weekend, but mostly, incredulity at everything that had happened so far. The fact that they were all here was a one-in-a-billion stroke of luck.

"There you are, I've been looking for you," Valentina's husky voice took me out of my reverie. I jumped and snapped my head back. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

"It's alright."

"May I?" She pointed at the chair next to mine. I nodded. She walked over and lowered herself smoothly. I always felt awkward when sitting on such low chairs, but she made it look effortless and graceful. It wasn't surprising, coming from her, but I was still in awe.