A Beauteous Flower Ch. 13

The grandfather clock in the foyer, the one that she had literally pitched a fit to get Daniel to purchase for her, now ticked implacably towards Madison's doom. Just another rueful reminder of how she had self-indulgently edited Daniel's life to suit her, along with the dining room set, the china patterns, the curtains in the kitchen, the color of the siding on the house, the plants in the flowerbeds and a thousand other tiny decisions that piled up to mutate Daniel's life into her life plus Daniel. The most damnable thing was she had made all those decisions without one pause to consider Daniel might have thoughts on any of it. Now on this cold evening she sat alone as one of those decisions continued to accuse her with every "tik-tok".

Madison sunk down into the sofa to search for a respite from the cheerless rhythm of the clock. Honestly, she had never noticed how loud the damned thing was until now and, confronted by its rhythmic echo through her immaculately decorated, but quietly empty house, Madison seriously considered that she might retrieve the axe from the woodpile and put an end to it's ceaseless "tik-tok, tik-tok, tik-tok" pronouncement that she was dreadfully short on time. She had mere days to atone for two years of negligent ignorance and one day of foolish indulgence and the pressure to catch up was enormous. Failure now meant the end of her marriage to Daniel, and that thought, mingled with the cool evening air, sent more spider chills up her back. Madison sighed, uncertain of her next move.

She couldn't just give in and let her marriage go. Daniel was too important to her, and she knew now that she wanted to be the one that loved him and made him feel as loved and safe and warm as he did for her. More to the point she owed that to Daniel because he had loved her so well that he overlooked her selfish immaturity until she carelessly pushed it so far not even patient and quiet Daniel could ignore it. She had resolved to fight for his love, but she needed help. She needed a starting point, but where was she to find that if the people that knew Daniel the best either wouldn't talk to her or outright rooted against her? How could a girl overcome the fact that a guy's mother, whom he loved dearly, hated her? It seemed an insurmountable conundrum.

Lonely and depressed, Madison allowed herself to slip into self-pity. It was all so unfair. It was so unfair that Daniel wouldn't talk to her and accept her apology. It was so unfair that his mother hated her. The whole situation was just unfair. If Daniel really loved her then why wouldn't he listen to her? If his mother wanted so badly for Daniel to be happy then why didn't she understand that was Madison's goal too? She knew she could make Daniel so happy. Well, maybe now she wasn't quite so sure of that, but what she needed in any case was a chance. What she needed was some information about Daniel that would enable her to pierce his exterior and speak to his heart, but it seemed everything and everyone conspired to keep her and Daniel apart.

Unfair. That was the word. Unfair.

But then Madison stopped herself. This line of thought wasn't very mature or truthful. Honesty required her to admit that Daniel's reaction made perfect sense and that if the roles had been reversed, she would have reacted the same way. His mother's reaction made perfect sense too. Rosalina loved Daniel and Madison had hurt him right down to his core. If she had been in Rosalina's shoes, she would have probably reacted the same way. Ruefully Madison also had to admit that she would probably be a lot less polite about it. She had made this mess, and Daniel and Rosalina were not wrong to hold her accountable for that no matter how uncomfortable that made Madison. It was Daniel she had to make this up to in the end.

For two years Madison had failed to care for Daniel and had instead focused on herself. She had even allowed herself to believe that Daniel would do anything she asked and would forgive anything just to keep her around. Now that mistaken belief had put her marriage, which with the benefit of hindsight was really the only thing that mattered in this pile of pretty stuff she had bullied, pouted, and nagged for, in jeopardy. If she wanted to stay married to Daniel, that had to change and change in a hurry.

Madison sniffed back the tide of recriminations that came to her mind. Self-flagellation would serve her no better than regret. A rehash would simply be a waste of time that she didn't have to waste. She sighed and looked at the divorce papers again as another cool breeze wafted around the house. Madison pulled a blanket over herself and put the pillow over her head. Somehow, she had to get Daniel to listen to her apology and to feel deep down that she loved him.

But how?

She peeked out from under the pillow. Daniel's car was still gone. Honestly, she wasn't sure when he would ever come home, and it was sunset. Where was he? How would she rescue her marriage from the rocks of divorce if her husband would not give her a chance? She stuck her head under the pillow again and wished this would all just go away.

"Mrrrrrwow?" came a cautious tiny call.

Madison peeked out again. Gandalf stood in the front hallway by the stairs, and he cocked his head to the side as he eyed Madison warily, ready to spring away. Gandalf could tell someone was on the sofa, but Madison was hidden under a blanket and a pillow, so he seemed uncertain of who it was. The cat had completely avoided her since she had shut him in the closet, and Madison was pretty sure as soon as Gandalf figured out it was her on the sofa, he would disappear. This thought shook whatever confidence in success Madison had left. Even Daniel's cat didn't like her. There really wasn't any hope; was there? Madison sagged into the sofa cushions and pouted on the verge of defeat.

"Meow?" Gandalf questioned again.

"He's not home, Gandalf. I don't know where he is."

Madison peeked out at Gandalf again.

"I miss him too, Gandalf. More than you know."

Madison emerged from under the pillow. Gandalf recognized her and took a few steps away from her.

"Still sore at me, huh? That wasn't very nice of me, was it? I haven't been a very good person lately and I'm sure you'll get a lot of people to agree with you on that."

Gandalf confirmed her statement with a distrustful flick of his whiskers. Certain he had judged his distance properly, Gandalf sat down and fixed Madison with his judgmental feline gaze of discernment. It had always made Madison uncomfortable when Gandalf did that. It seemed like he could see right through her. What was it Daniel always said about cats? Something some author named Hemingway, had said, but what was it? Something about cats and total honesty. Yeah, that was it. "A cat has absolute honesty" and Gandalf honestly wanted nothing to do with Madison.

For the first time since she met Gandalf, Madison felt bad about that. Gandalf wasn't a bad cat. He hadn't done anything in particular to Madison except be a cat, and the problem between them was the fact that Madison didn't like cats. Apparently, Gandalf could sense that from her. Then she stuffed him in a closet. No wonder he avoided her, and just now, when she felt lost and alone, Gandalf's distrust cut her to the bone.

"Well, I'm glad to see you, Gandalf, even if you're not glad to see me. At least I'm not all alone."

Gandalf regarded her with a possibly derisive sniff. Madison didn't know enough about cats to be sure.

"I know, I know," conceded Madison as she shivered and drew the blanket around her shoulders.

A fire sure would feel good right now, but she hadn't bothered to learn to start one, even though Daniel had offered to teach her. How many other times had he reached out only for her to ignore his offers? Secure in the distance between them, Gandalf flopped on the floor and began to roll back and forth. Madison watched him and envied him. Daniel loved Gandalf and Madison, at that moment, would have done anything in the world to be a cat in Daniel's life. Daniel might love Gandalf, but how Daniel felt about Madison was anyone's guess. It probably wasn't anywhere close to love. Too bad she wasn't a cat after all; lay around in sun beams, take naps, have good stretch, eat, and get attention and affection from Daniel when you asked for it. Then something snapped into place for Madison. She did know something about Daniel after all.

Daniel loved Gandalf!

A little hope flared in her heart. Daniel loved cats! He had said that in his writing whenever he needed to convey comfort to his readers, he put a cat in the book. Maybe Gandalf could lead her back to Daniel's heart? It sounded a little crazy, but currently no other option presented itself. If nothing else, it would be good practice for if she ever got to speak with Daniel.

"Gandalf," Madison began earnestly. "I know I'm not your favorite person. I know it's my fault. I did you wrong and I want to make it right with you. Is there any chance you and I could be friends?"

Gandalf tilted his head at her and gave his tail a lash. Daniel had once tried to teach her "cat talk", cat body language and vocalizations, in the hopes that she and Gandalf might get along better, but again Madison had not paid enough attention and hadn't learned anything. Did Gandalf mean he was amenable or to go fuck herself?

Madison stood up slowly, afraid she would scare off Gandalf. Somehow, she had to make friends with Gandalf right now. A friendship with Gandalf might be just the thing to show Daniel that she was willing to do whatever it took to stay in his life. That and maybe she could really be friends with Gandalf. She could use a friend right now. For a girl with a marriage on the rocks and no allies in sight, that looked like a win-win to Madison.

"Hey, buddy," cooed Madison, trying to match the tone Daniel used when he spoke to Gandalf. "Hey, Gandalf."

Gandalf rolled on the floor and waved his paws up in the air. Was that a feline invitation to come play or a middle finger kiss off? Madison felt tense and afraid and silly. Was she crazy? What had possessed her to think her entire relationship with Daniel could come down to a conversation with his cat? But then again, any victory on this day of abject failure would be a welcome respite.

"Hey, buddy."

Madison took another step forward and Gandalf rolled onto his belly and got his feet under him. His head cocked to the side and looked alertly at her.

"No, no," Madison cooed as quietly as she could. "Don't run away. I promise I'll be nice to you. Let's be friends."

Madison tried another step, but Gandalf stood up in response. Madison froze in place and her throat got tight because she couldn't handle another failure right now. Gandalf studied her impassively and flicked his whiskers again. What did that mean?

"Please, Gandalf. Don't run away."

Madison looked around for a cat toy to try and lure Gandalf to her but found none. Then she got another idea.

"Are you hungry, Gandalf? Is that why you're here? Do you want something to eat? I'll get you something to eat. Just wait there."

Madison slowly retreated into the kitchen. Where did Daniel keep the cat treats? She sighed. Yet another thing Daniel tried to tell her that she dismissed as irrelevant. If she ever got out of this mess, she promised herself that from now on she would take notes every time Daniel spoke. She rummaged through the cupboards like an addict in search for their last stash and, with a gasp of relief, finally found an open pouch of cat treats. She looked up at Gandalf, who kept both his eyes riveted on her as if he expected her to throw something at him. She poured out a handful of treats and started back towards Gandalf.

Cautiously Madison held out a handful of cat treats towards Gandalf and took a few quiet steps towards him. A cool wind whistled ominously outside the windows. When had it gotten so dark? Madison flipped a light switch and Gandalf flinched as if to run. Madison held her breath and only exhaled when Gandalf stayed seated. The cool breeze continued to moan outside, and Madison wished again for a warm fire.

"Look, Gandalf. Food. It's OK. C'mere, buddy."

Gandalf looked at Madison warily and stood up. Madison stopped with her hand full of treats still offered out to Gandalf. He was still a good three yards from her, and Madison knew if she spooked him, Gandalf would vanish before she could get anywhere near him. She noted ruefully that this was as close as she had gotten to him since the party. She carefully tried to discern whether Gandalf was about to bolt or let her approach him. Gandalf betrayed nothing and stared at her like a furry gray enigma. Madison let a long breath out of her nose. So much to learn in so short a time.

"C'mere, Gandalf. It's OK," she coaxed placidly. "Come get something to eat."

Madison risked another step forward and Gandalf turned his butt to her like he might run off.

"Oh, no! It's OK! I won't hurt you."

Gandalf paused mid turn and looked back over his shoulder with an accusatory stare. His tail swished side to side in an agitated and wary tempo. Madison's heart sank. Even she knew what that meant. Gandalf wouldn't go for it.

"Oh, Gandalf. Please!" Madison plead as her heart rose to her throat. "I'm so sorry I stuffed you in that closet, OK. That was wrong and I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong and all I thought about was what was convenient for me."

In answer, Gandalf swished his tail. Was that acknowledgement or condemnation?

"I guess you think I'm a bad person too. You probably think Daniel is better off without me. Maybe he is. Maybe you and Rosalina are right."

Gandalf turned and faced Madison again. His studious cobalt gaze made Madison feel like she should explain.

"It's just, I'm not much of a cat person; you know? I don't know why." Then Madison decided that perhaps honesty would be the best policy at this moment, so she confessed to Gandalf. "Actually, I do know why. You cats are so mysterious, and no one can tell anything about you. And I never liked how you cats don't do what you're told, like dogs."

Gandalf sniffed the floor and never took his suspicious eyes off Madison.

"I guess I prejudged you, even before I locked you in the closet."

Gandalf glared at that admission.

"Wow," Madison realized. "You've got every right not to like me."

Gandalf flicked his tail again. Was that feline for understanding or rejection? Madison considered her next move. Maybe Gandalf would come to her? Maybe if she made herself smaller, then Gandalf might feel more at ease around her. She shivered as her bare knees met the cold hardwood floor and she struggled to stay focused. Slowly she folded her legs up Indian style with the handful of treats extended towards Gandalf.

"Please, Gandalf. I won't hurt you. I promise."

Gandalf still eyed her warily, but at least he didn't run. Madison thought she saw some of the tension go out of his body. He seemed to sit more securely.

"I know you're looking for Daniel, Gandalf. So am I, but he's not here. Right now, it's just you and me. Come try these treats I got you. C'mon they're good!"

Madison pantomimed eating the treats in her hand, but that didn't encourage Gandalf. Instead, he tilted his head at her and continued to measure the distance between them. Madison felt anxiety prick her with each passing moment. She was no closer to a breakthrough with Gandalf than she had been ten minutes ago. Maybe it was useless or maybe it was time for her to be honest with Gandalf. Cats gave total honesty, right?

"I wish that party never happened," she confessed. "I wish I hadn't shut you in the closet. I wish those people hadn't gotten into the cabin and damaged Daniel's workspace."

Madison's eyes teared up at the memory of the party. It all had been so foolish of her.

"I wish I never laid eyes on Steve the Oaf. I should have stayed away from him. I shouldn't have let him put his paws on me... kiss me."

Gandalf licked his paw and then slicked the fur behind his ears as she continued.

"I don't know why I keep doing that, Gandalf. Why do I get lured towards that kind of man, that kind of life? Why do I let myself believe that I want what everyone expects me to want? Why do I always figure out what I really want after it's too late?"

Gandalf looked up at her and, for the first time, didn't look cold assessment at her. Maybe this was how to apologize?

"Everyone thinks the world is a pretty girl's oyster; you know? When you're pretty everyone around you thinks you should have who they think is the best guy and what they say is the best car and so much money and clout and the life they wish they had, all because you're pretty. And I guess that when you're surrounded by those expectations all the time, you just adopt them as your own and you start to believe that is what you want no matter how empty it leaves you."

Madison shivered a spasm of remorse and the handful of treats drooped to the floor.

"And then you find a guy like Daniel and he's nothing like everyone expected, but then I started to force that life I expected into my life and onto Daniel. And because he's not what I expected and even though I know I want to be with him and I know life would be so great with him, there are still those expectations that I thought were mine and no matter how I try to ignore them, they nag at me, and that's when the damage got done. I didn't trust my heart and I focused on what I thought I wanted and then by the time I figured out what I really wanted I hurt the best thing that could ever happen to me."

Madison shivered violently. It was downright frigid. If she didn't get warm soon, she'd freeze to death.

"I really let him down, didn't I, Gandalf? I hurt the best man I ever met because I didn't have the courage to not live up to everyone's expectations. Oh, what I did to poor Daniel. Now that I think about it, if I had anything in my stomach, I'd vomit."

Gandalf stared. He seemed to be listening to her. Did he understand?

"He told you that, did he? I bet he did. You listen to him too, don't you Gandalf?" Madison said bitterly. "Unlike someone else in the room."

The cold traced Madison's tears. Alone in the dark with Gandalf's gaze on her, Madison finally hit honest rock bottom.

"I killed my marriage with carelessness and insensitivity. I hurt the most gracious, kind, and supportive man I've ever known. Now he's shut me out of his life, and I deserve it. I don't know how I'm going to live with this if Daniel won't forgive me."

Gandalf's stare continued unabated and he tilted his head.

"I broke Daniel's heart, Gandalf. I bet you'd never do that, would you? And now I'm scared he doesn't love me anymore. But the worst part is, I know I don't deserve his love no matter how bad I want it. I never deserved it. My heart hurts, Gandalf, like I'm going to die. What should I do?"

The frosty fall wind swished with condemnation. Madison felt chilled to the bone. She gave Gandalf a pleading look.

"Please, Gandalf. I'm so sorry for what I did. I don't have a lot of time and if we can't get along, then I have no chance with Daniel. So, help a girl out, would you?"

Gandalf tilted his head the other way. Madison despaired. She couldn't tell what was on his mind and maybe this attempt with Gandalf was stupid. Gandalf would never trust her. She didn't know what else to do.

Maybe if she got smaller still, down on his level? Madison eased down onto her belly on the hardwood floor as her cold shivers became full shakes. She extended her handful of treats out to Gandalf.

"Please, Gandalf. I've got nowhere else to turn," she begged as she tried to stifle the lonely fear that battered her mind.

"Please."

Then Gandalf stood and sauntered to the right to disappear behind a chair. Madison held her breath. Would Gandalf come to her? Madison dared a little hope, but then Gandalf did not reappear on the other side of the chair. She hadn't gotten through to him. Gandalf, like Daniel had left Madison alone and cold on the hard floor and she had to admit that she deserved it. That realization crushed her fragile hopes.