A Big Girl in a Wheelchair

My name is Evelien, 34 years old from Belgium. I live in the region Oost Vlaanderen. I was born with Spina Bifida, and have never been able to walk. My spine is seriously curved and my pelvic is mischaped. I was in a lot of pain as I grew up until I had a major surgery at the age of 24. My spine and pelvic were fixed with multiple plates and screws to reduce pressure on my joints. After this my lower body was rigid, but I was in less pain. My wheelchair is adjusted to the shape of my body, meaning I am in my wheelchair in a lying position with my legs slightly bent upward and straight forward. My hip joints are in an outward position to my pelvic which I guess looks awkward. My wheelchair though is one of a special kind, long, wide and heavy. Yeah, heavy because it has to carry some load. I weigh around 140 kilos, at least the last time I was on a scale. And getting me on a scale is not quite a job that should be done too often, believe me. So if you see me rolling on in my wheelchair, you better get aside!

What's more to say about my looks? I guess what I am most insecure about is my hair. There is not much I can do about it. I'm constantly lying down, so the back of my head is always flat. Therefore I just keep it straight without much of a coupe. I do dye it in a rather kinky colour. I do like colour, happy, cheerful coloured clothes. I like flower patterned skirts, although most of the time when I'm out I use a leg cover. I can't wear shoes because my legs and feet are too big, due to my weight and the water I'm holding.

It may not be a big surprise but my relationship status is complicated. To be clear, I never had a longtime relationship but had my share of dates and not so long relationships. To those who care or might find it interesting I want to share some of my experiences.

Now first off, most disabled women know about the sexual fetish that involves wheelchair, amputation, or disability in general. I have my experience with that and it's weird but it is what it is. I'll write my thoughts about them later. And there are those who are attracted to big women. Although from my experience they are completely different types of men, there are some similarities. I don't want to discourage anyone from dating someone with a disability but here are some things I want to line out.

Don't ask what happened. This is something not only asked during a date, but sometimes even by total strangers. When asked I usually answer it all started with a butterfly in Brazil. For most of us our disability is not what can be told in a few phrases.

In order to show compassion don't say something like an abomination for the other person's situation. That is just disrespectful and expresses a lack of empathy. Guess what, no matter how hard life can be, I still like it.

A wheelchair is not the end of the world. For many abled persons a wheelchair represents total disability, while for us using one is about ability.

Don't ask to sit in my wheelchair. I'm not gonna ask you to walk in your shoes either. Grow up!

Don't give medical tips. OK, this is obvious but it happens fairly often. While having a date, sometimes things are said just to keep conversation going. But I am really not interested.

Don't be ashamed to talk about your own body issues, that just makes us feel good, feel equal. I hate it too when a fingernail breaks, or when I have a toothache. We don't compare body issues.

Don't ask about sex in a first date. Yep, that has happened. I just wonder, would one bring it up to an abled woman? Maybe some would, but I guess for every woman this is a no go. I even had it added,

"Not to offend you or anything, I just wonder how it could be possible?" Or,

"But you don't feel anything below, don't you?"

For all the disability fetishists, the disability doesn't end with the wheelchair you get your kicks from. There are a variety of conditions that can lead to the need of using a wheelchair. All of them bring other difficulties that most of us bother more, like bladder or bowel control, skin problems, pain. Sometimes inexplicable infections and the risk of organ failure. But this is not what one wants to talk about while having a date, but it is always with us.

To all fetishists; having a date is to be seen in public with the one you are dating, and some of my dates didn't. I guess in that case it is just a fetish experience to remember when wanking. And this has happened to me a few times. Sometimes it starts with not wanting to date in a public place, but at my home. Or, when agreed upon a restaurant not coming in or going out together.

And honestly, often by seeing a picture, or facebook profile i ask myself what on earth does he see in me. And of course i know what it is about, but then i go all the way, and try to be as soggy as can be.

To be clear, I don't care what the reason is if someone wants a date. They just have to remember there is a story behind a disability you will not get to know from a first, or a second date, it is just something to experience while in a relationship. I know sex is an issue, and of course it is different compared to sex with an abled person, no kamasutra for me, but it is no less important. It's just like going for a day trip, sure it is possible but it just takes some adaptations.