A Blind Date for the Holidays

"Are you sure?" It seemed like a fair question, but the frown Billie gave me let me know what she thought of it. "Thanks. The truth is that there's no one else I'd rather spend the day with."

"You're welcome." Billie glanced down at the clock on her dashboard, obviously irritated that she didn't have more time to talk. "And are you sure I can't come over tonight?" I didn't want to turn Billie down, but the decision was already made. I needed some time to let what happened sink in.

"I really do have a lot of work to do, and let's be honest, if you come over, we'll both be exhausted for tomorrow. I don't want to meet your friends like that."

"Fine," she sighed melodramatically. "You'll have to make it up to me tomorrow night."

"Nope," I grinned. "I need to be home tomorrow night for my call with mom."

"After that." Billie wasn't taking no for an answer and if I were being honest with myself, I didn't want her to.

"We'll see." This time it was Billie who kissed me. I much preferred it that way. I guess I was just an old fashion girl. Well, one who happened to like other girls instead of men. I guess life could be funny that way.

Chapter Nine

"You look like you're going to throw up. Are you okay?" Billie's concern was obvious. I was standing in the doorway to my apartment facing her. It was eleven forty-five on the dot and she was on time and ready to go. Me, not so much. I wasn't ready. Hell, I was far from ready.

"Well, let's see," I said, trying to keep it together. "We're supposed to be going to a party where most of your friends will be waiting to meet me. Oh yeah, and absolutely everyone there will know I'm a lesbian. If that weren't intimidating enough, what are the odds I don't say something that will offend at least one of them with my being as conversative as I am?"

It struck me late yesterday that I really hadn't thought agreeing to go to the party out fully. If I had, I never would have done it. Not yet.

"It will be fine," Billie insisted. "These are my friends. I'm sure that they'll like you for yourself, but even if that weren't true, they would accept you because they care about me."

"I'm not so sure," I sighed, stepping into my apartment and making Billie follow me despite it making us even later for the party. "But it's more than just that."

"What's the rest?" Billie asked, obviously perplexed. I understood. I hadn't thought about it until just before I went to bed the night before. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So much for catching up on my sleep.

"Last night I got to thinking about Kevin Bacon. Well, not him, but that old game 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon'." Billie's confused look wasn't getting any better so I quickly continued to explain. "It's based off of the six degrees of separation concept. Have you ever heard of it?" The blank stare I received in response didn't help. "It means that everyone is within six connections of knowing everyone else in the world."

"Seriously? That sounds pretty crazy."

"Is it?" I asked rhetorically. "My grandfather once met a well-known cameraman who worked on a bunch of old movies. That guy filmed all of the big names from the golden age of Hollywood over the years. That means I'm only three degrees separated from people like Katherine Hepburn, Lauren Becall, James Stewart and John Wayne, and you're only four degrees separated from them because you know me, but that's not really the point."

"I'm lost." Billie's reaction was an understandable response to my ramblings, but that wasn't helping me calm down any. "Where are you going with all this?"

"This party is going to be crowded and most of the guests are going to be local. After today, too many people will know!" I cried in frustration, real tears threatening to fall as my fears nearly overwhelmed me. "Someone at this party is bound to know someone from my company. It will get around work and then what? I thought I was ready to face the repercussions of coming out, but I'm not."

"Oh," Billie said. She didn't sound happy, but at least she finally understood my fear.

"And how long after that before my parents find out?" I was losing it and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. "That's going to be bad, any way you look at it!"

"Okay, now that's reaching." Bill sounded frustrated.

"Maybe, maybe not, but I can't take the chance! This will be whole lot worse if they learn it from someone else, and I'm not ready to tell them. I can't chance losing them yet!"

Everything had seemed, maybe not perfect but very good after Friday night. After Billie dropped me off yesterday morning, I got everything I needed to get completed for work done. I was even starting to look forward to the Christmas party and meeting Billie's friends, but then I started thinking and couldn't stop myself.

I knew on some level it was silly. I'd already admitted to Arlene and her friends that I was a lesbian. I'd already been in public with Billie when we went out for dinner and dancing Friday night. I even kissed her in front of everyone on the dance floor. Yet, somehow going to a party with a bunch of Billie's friends was suddenly too much? It didn't make sense!

"I get that you're afraid of losing your family over us," Billie began slowly. "You're going to have to deal with that eventually, but you have time. It's extremely unlikely they'll hear the truth any time soon, especially if they don't want to. I've known of some parents that stayed in denial for years even after their kids came out."

"You think?" I hated the desperate sound of my voice, but I really wasn't ready to face my family yet.

"It all depends on your parents, but remember, they are on the other side of the country." Billie shook her head and asking, "How would they even find out? Do they know anyone out here?"

"No," I answered, remembering some of my arguments with my parents when I told them I was moving. "It was one of the reasons why they weren't thrilled I was coming here in the first place." Billie's logic sounded rational, but the feeling of foreboding wouldn't go away.

"And it sounds like a stretch to me that your coworkers will find out. There are an awful lot of people in our town and it's not like my friends are going to be talking about you to everyone they meet. You may be the center of my world, but that doesn't mean you'll be the center of theirs." Billie was smiling at me, back to teasing a little. Oddly, it helped.

"Besides, even if someone does hear it will only be a rumor. They won't know for sure. I know plenty of people who aren't even in the closet who use that to their benefit. It's sort of like the army's old 'don't ask, don't tell' policy." That made an odd sort of sense. Although, it also felt oddly offensive.

"The people at work don't have to ever know. Frankly, it's none of their business." She took my hand and squeezed before continuing. "Me personally, I wouldn't hide it, but then again it's not like I'd be announcing it either. In the end, it's your call who you tell and who you don't."

Billie paused and I almost smiled, almost. That's when she added, "But you are right about your family. You're going to have to tell them sooner or later. Go home for the holiday and enjoy Christmas. You can decide when to tell them after that. Just remember, whenever you do it, I'll be there for you."

My breathing had slowed considerably, but was nowhere near normal. A sleepless night had kept me focused on the worst possible scenarios. Still, I was afraid that my concerns weren't nearly as farfetched as Billie implied, and the bottom line was that I wasn't ready to face the repercussion on the off chance that I was right and someone would find out.

"Billie, I'm sorry," I began slowly, hating what I was about to say, but unable to stop myself. "I'm not ready. I can't go to the party with you today. I just can't!" She didn't look surprised, just disappointed and sad. I hated making her feel that way, but in that moment, I couldn't help myself.

"It's all hitting you at once and you need sleep. I get that." Billie's deep brown eyes were unreadable. "But you also need some time to work through whatever it is that's going on in your head." It felt like Billie was saying goodbye and I couldn't bear the thought of that. I was very close to hyperventilating.

"I'm not giving you your leather coat back!" It was a silly thing to say, but it was the closest I could come to admitting my feelings.

"I'm not asking for it back," she said, actually smiling, if only briefly. "But you can't keep it without dealing with the ramifications it brings, to all aspects of your life."

"I know," I said, and I did. It was just suddenly very hard to accept.

"Call me when you're ready to talk." Billie was moving back toward the front door. I followed her as if drawn. She stopped and faced me once more before leaving. "I still want to take you out for your birthday."

I wanted to tell her there and then that I would like that, but the words wouldn't come. I was very close to full meltdown mode.

"You should really go to your neighborhood party next weekend." The disappointment in her expression was almost painful to see. "I'll call you." It was the best I could offer.

Billie nodded and left. It wasn't until the door closest behind her that I realized she hadn't kissed me goodbye. A single tear slipped down my cheek, but that was all. My head was spinning so badly that I had problems connecting thoughts. The myriad of emotions that had all but overwhelmed me became somehow dull and unimportant once Billie walked out the front door.

I was completely numb as I found myself climbing back into bed a few minutes later. I was so very tired, but sleep didn't come for a long time.

It was much later when a pounding on my front door woke me up. I got up groggily and literally stumbled toward the door. Part of me hoped desperately that it was Billie, but I was certain that she wouldn't return until she heard from me. Besides, Billie wasn't the door pounding type.

On the other hand, Samantha was, and she'd definitely be pissed enough to come over once she heard what happened. I was so not in the mood to get yelled at by Billie's friend, but deep down I couldn't argue that I deserved it.

The worst part was that I was so numb and lost that I wasn't sure it would actually do anything. I tried to prepare myself as much as possible as I opened the door, only no preparation could have made me ready for who I found on the other side.

"What are you doing here?!" I snapped, my numbness disappearing it a fit of anger, which was oddly satisfying. It broke through the all-encompassing numbness I'd been feeling since Billie walked out of my apartment.

"Trying to save my best friend from ruining her life!" Janet retorted just as angrily as she pushed past me and into my apartment.

"Hey!" I cried in surprise, shutting the door and following her into my kitchen.

Janet was a tiny little thing, standing barely five feet tall with curly red hair and hazel eyes. Still, she could be quite forceful when she wanted to be.

"Do you have any apple juice?" She was already deep in my refrigerator. We'd long ago gotten passed the whole asking permission thing when we were at each other's apartments. Of course, that was before she'd set me up on a blind date with a lesbian and I'd stopped talking to her.

"In the closet next to the sink. On the top shelf." I hated apple juice, but it was one of Janet's favorites so I always had some stocked away.

"Warm," she complained, having the gall to sound annoyed.

"I didn't know you were coming," I snapped in reply. "Speaking of which, shouldn't you be on the other side of the country?"

"I would be, but it's my best friend's birthday next weekend and I wanted to surprise her." Janet took the ice tray out of the freezer while I got the juice and a glass for her. "Besides, I was coming home to see my family anyway for Christmas. I got my boss to approve me working remotely this week and I'm off the last two of the year."

"I'm not talking to you!" I hadn't talk to Janet in weeks for a reason. One that hadn't disappeared.

"It certainly seems like you are," she grinned. "Which is another reason why I came out here early. I figured you couldn't ignore me if I was standing in front of you." The fact that she was right didn't make it any better.

"I'm mad at you!" I was surprised by the volume of my outburst. Janet, not so much.

"That's why my original plan was to confront you at Arlene and Samantha's Christmas party where you couldn't kill me." Janet kept her tone flippant, which was just so her. "Not in front of so many witnesses, anyway."

"Don't bet on it!" I cried, launching myself at her. Janet caught me with open arms and I was suddenly crying. No, not crying, sobbing. Sobbing uncontrollably in my best friend's arms. That didn't stop me from adding, "I haven't forgiven you!" The words came out in a jumble and were barely understandable.

"I know," Janet said in an oddly soothing tone. "We'll talk about that in a little bit, not that I'm sorry for what I did." I tried to pull away, but she hugged me tighter, shushed and comforted me as only a best friend could.

We stood like that for a few minutes, but Janet moved us to the couch when it didn't look like my tears would be ending anytime soon. I'm not sure how long we sat there. In the end, it didn't matter anyway. The fact that by the time I was done my thoughts began making sense again did. My brain was sluggish at best, but at least it felt like it was working again. My feelings, on the other hand, were still a complete mess.

I pulled back from Janet and reached for a tissue from the box on the end table. I needed quite a few to dry all the tears and blow my nose. I'm sure my face was a mess, but I'd done the best I could without washing up. I would have gotten up and done that except that I was sure Janet wouldn't let me. Not yet, anyway.

"So, are you ready to discuss what happened now?" I knew that question was coming, but that didn't make it any easier to hear.

"No. I'm still not talking to you." I knew it was childish, but I really was angry at Janet despite her comforting me.

"Good, because there's a lot I need to say and that means you won't interrupt." The woman was so infuriating! I was tempted to try and throw her out, but I knew she wouldn't go without having her say. Besides, Janet was my best friend. I was hurt and angry, but that didn't change how I felt about her, not in the long run.

"I've been following what's been going on through Billie," she continued, but then paused and grinned. "By the way, I love the picture of you and Billie stringing popcorn."

"She sent you that?" I asked nonplussed. Although, in retrospect I shouldn't have been surprised.

"Of course, she did," my best friend said in her 'duh' voice. I frowned, but remained silent. "And it looked like after the initial shock everything was going well between you two until this morning when you suddenly turned chicken and panicked...big time." I gave her a nasty look at the word 'chicken', but she ignored it.

"Late last night." The correction slipped out. So much for not talking to Janet.

"What changed?" It was a fair question.

"I don't know," I admitted slowly, forgetting my anger for the moment. "Like you said, everything was going well after the first couple of days. There was no denying how Billie made me feel despite what that meant about me."

"Say it out loud," Janet demanded. That caught me by surprise.

"I have said it out loud already."

"With someone else in the room?" Her question was pointed and Janet was giving me one of her classic looks.

"With Billie, and once on a dance floor." I paused, but couldn't stop myself from adding, "The music was pretty loud that time."

"Say it out loud." Janet repeated her demand. I took a deep breath and let it out, but the words wouldn't come. "Say it!"

"I am a lesbian." It barely came out as a whisper.

"Louder!" she commanded.

"I am a lesbian!" I cried, my anger at Janet's insistence giving the words strength.

"Now own it!" I'm not sure what she excepted my reaction to be, but I could tell it wasn't what happened. I deflated and sagged into the couch.

"I wish it were that easy," I mumbled.

"And you wonder why I set you up on a blind date with Billie instead of trying to talk to you about it." Janet shook her head and took a sip of her apple juice.

"You should have talked to me first."

"I did," she retorted.

"One time back in college doesn't count!" I snapped angrily. My emotions were one crazy rollercoaster today. I was ready to lay into Janet again, but her next words stopped me cold.

"I tried more than just once."

"What? When?" There was no way she brought it up more than just that one time.

"Trish, I love you dearly, but you can be exceedingly dense when you want to be." She looked more sad than annoyed despite her words. "We've talked about your family's views on homosexuality often enough that I get why you fought it for so long and stayed in total denial, but it was obvious."

"Obvious? How?"

"Please!" she snorted. "You're a pretty girl and never suffered from a lack of attention from the opposite sex, but you never really put much effort into finding a guy special enough to take it to the next level."

"It wasn't from lack of trying. I dated plenty of guys in college," I argued.

"Exactly, you dated, but you almost never ended up in a relationship," she countered.

"That's not true. I had a few long-term relationships. They just never worked out."

"Please!" Janet snorted. "Three months is not long-term. Besides, almost every time you ended up getting semi-serious it was because you were feeling attracted to a girl. Frankly, you'd jump into a relationship with the nearest guy whenever it happened."

"That's ridiculous!" I meant it to. My best friend in the world was losing it.

"Is it?" she asked rhetorically. "James Pallorini."

"What about him?" I frowned. Jimmy and I had dated senior year. He was a nice enough guy, if I bit on the nerdy side.

"The poor guy worshipped you since the first day of college. It was so bad that he was literally tongue tied when you two were in the same room. How did you go from us joking about him one day to you dating him the next? Do you even remember?"

I frowned. How did Jimmy and I end up dating? I remember that it was just before winter break.

"I think we bumped into each other in the library while we were studying for our first semester finals senior year."

"Sure, if by bumped into each other means you walked up to him and told him you were hungry. The poor guy nearly stuttered as he offered to take you to the student union for a late-night snack."

"So?" I asked, not sure what her point was. "He was always nice to me. Maybe I wanted try dating someone different than the normal jerks I ended up with?"

"Maybe," she agreed far too easily, but then she added pointedly, "Or maybe you wanted to start dating someone quickly and Jimmy was an obvious choice."

"Why would I want to do that?" This was getting ridiculous.

"Joyce Mckinzie." The triumphant smile on Janet's face made no sense. I remembered Joyce, but only barely.

"Mike's little sister?" I asked with a frown. Mike McKinzie was one of Janet's old boyfriends. His little sister was a freshman at a nearby college and came to visit him on Halloween senior year while Janet and he were dating. If I remembered correctly, she came up for a few weekends after that too.

"Yes, Mike's little sister," Janet sighed. "That girl was a gorgeous brunette who was seriously into you."

"She was not!"

"Sure, she was," Janet argued. "Even Mike saw it."

"I don't think so, but so what? What does that have to do with me dating Jimmy?"