A Change of Heart

Without asking he picked up the soap and started to wash Gracie's back, smoothing the soapy water over her shoulder and massaging the back of her neck and then back down her spine until, beneath the water, his fingertips were just at the swelling of her cheeks and the redness that he'd caused.

He washed her arms, lifting each in turn so he could wash her hands and then back to her shoulders and the sides of her ribcage, his fingers fleetingly brushing the sides if her breasts.

But where now?

To stop might tell her that was the end of it but to continue he needed her permission, some signal of consent.

He took the soap again and worked up a lather in his hands.

"Soap's very good for nettle rash and stings, very soothing."

Now it was up to her.

She knew what he was alluding to. It was neither a question nor expectation, just said in a way that she could take the lead, taking the moment a little further along the path, not knowing where or how far, and without knowing if it was the right thing to do.

Standing would say yes but yes to what? Yes to a one night stand two days after she'd walked away from a relationship that was eating her soul? But remaining as she was, refusing his smooth warm hands, would mean no, no that it's too soon or just no. There was no middle ground, no maybes.

Her hands gripped the sides of the bath and then she paused. Yes, she wanted the private touches that would almost certainly lead to intimacy but not to sex, at least not yet.

If only she could see just a few minutes minutes ahead, to see what might happen.

If she didn't move, would it be the end of a sweet and arousing moment? But if she rose, would it be the beginning of more pain, sourced and encouraged by herself, the sort of pain she didn't think she could handle now, not so soon after Charles and what Bill had just done to her, so she looked at Bill, managing only a whisper.

"Bill?......Don't hurt me...Please?"

It wasn't a strike of his hand she was afraid of. It would be the ache in her soul of being used and rejected.

Still gripping the sides of the bath she stood, keeping one hand on the side of the bath to steady herself as if not trusting her legs and then resting her hands on his shoulders as Bill reached out to her, at first her calves and the backs of her knees and then her thighs, running his hands the length of them and then looking up at her, making eye contact.

"Would you like the soap now?"

She looked at him, searching his face, knowing that this was another moment of choice.

"No, you go on."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

In fact, she wasn't sure at all but just wanted the anger between them to go away, for them to be close, close enough not to hurt each other anymore.

He lathered his hands again, now on the backs of her thighs and her buttocks, trying to sooth away the redness there and then once more "Sure?" and Gracie nodded, inviting him to touch her more intimately. Bill let his fingers slide between her cheeks and then further, his hands joining between her legs, fingers meeting, tracing the curves of her body.

He looked up and saw that she was crying silently, no sobs, just tears coursing down her cheeks so he stood and held her to him, wrapping a towel around her as he did, a gentle, comforting embrace, letting her know that she was safe, that his anger was past.

They stood like that for a long moment.

"Let's get you dry and something to eat." He patted her dry and then helped her into the dressing gown.

"Here, sit here," he said pouring her a mug of hot soup. "Drink this and then there's food and then off to bed."

Gracie said nothing, just glad to be looked after. She realised she was very hungry and ate well.

"What about you Bill, are you ok?"

He smiled at her.

"Yes, I'm fine, just very sorry and disappointed in myself about what happened and glad that you're safe."

She nodded but didn't say anything.

They ate in silence as if not wanting to risk the truce that had settled between them, exchanging glances and smiles.

He cleared the table.

"You can have the bed upstairs and I'll sleep down here. I'll probably wake long before you so don't worry if I'm not here. I'll stoke up the fire so you'll be warm and I'll be back by nine o'clock or so. Just have to check on the higher pastures."

He gave her a kiss on her cheek.

"Good night. If you need anything just call."

He banked up the fire with logs, shut down the generator and lit a couple of night-lights, one on the table and one at the bottom of the stairs, not enough light to disturb sleep but enough to see what was where.

By now the cottage and the bedroom were warmed through and Gracie snuggled down under the blankets, reflecting on the past two days.

She'd narrowly escaped from what would have been a marriage without substance or love, convenient for their two families, but condemning her to a life without meaning.

And exchanged it for what?

Here she was in the back of beyond with a man who'd thought it was alright to have fun at her expense, who'd hit her but who could at times demonstrate kindness and sensitivity of a kind she'd never met before.

She knew she'd rubbed him up the wrong way and he had reacted forcefully to that but was it possible that they could both change enough to avoid the friction and build on what, certainly for her, was an undeniable attraction to a man who was so different to those she usually mixed with.

She felt lonely and scared but lonely for whom and scared of what?

The sooner she found out the better.

She called out down the stairs.

"Bill, would you come and sleep with me please? I could do with a cuddle, nothing else, just a cuddle."

A few moments later she saw the light on the stairs brightening. Bill had brought a night-light up to the bedroom. He sat on the side of the bed and stoked her hair away from her face. He had a towel wrapped round his waist.

"Are you sure? I don't have any pyjamas."

She smiled.

"Neither do I." she said, lifting the blankets, inviting him to join her.

Bill dropped the towel and climbed in beside her, pulling the blankets back over them and Gracie snuggled into him, feeling his warmth. She kissed him lightly on his lips.

"Thank you for being so kind to me this evening. I've never had anyone wash me like that before. It was lovely, you were so gentle." She kissed him again. "Can I ask you something, something very personal?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Do you have a girlfriend or someone you're seeing?"

"Well, I did until yesterday morning."

"How do you mean? What happened?"

"She was going to come and stay. The hotel is shut so it seemed like a good opportunity but she sent me a txt yesterday morning saying she wasn't coming and that we weren't a good idea. So that was that."

"Oh Bill, I'm so sorry. How could she do that to you like that. How cruel." And as soon as she'd said this she realised that was more or less what she'd done to Charles. "I wasn't much better was I, running out on Charles."

"Well perhaps it was for the best for both of us. I can't imagine anything worse that feeling trapped in a relationship that isn't working."

"I'm so sorry I was so bitchy and rude, it just wasn't fair after what had happened to you."

He laughed.

"Well you hadn't had much of a day either but at least there was a room made up for you."

She spanked him playfully.

"A pity to waste a good room hey, especially when some woman in a tattered wedding dress turns up on your doorstep."

They lay quietly for a while.

"This is the first conversation we've had, do you know that?"

But Bill was fast asleep.

Gracie was woken by Bill stirring beside her. She sat up and looked through the window. In the pre-dawn twilight she could see the hills and mountains stretching away in the distance, so lovely, so natural, and not a sound, just Bill's regular breathing, and she felt content to have this man lying beside her. She eased the blankets down so that she could look at him, so lithe, so toned, so manly and so different to Charles who, although only in his early thirties, was already starting to have a flabby chest and stomach.

She couldn't resist touching him, kissing him and inhaling his manly scent. How would it be waking up every morning next to Bill she wondered, but then she hardly knew him.

He stirred again, this time into wakefulness and put his arms around her, pulling her to him, and she could feel the press of him against her. She moved against him and wondered if he would be as considerate lover as he had been last night when he'd bathed her.

Now fully awake, Bill pressed against her and kissed her neck.

"Good morning. You're awake early."

Gracie stretched. She loved having her neck kissed and nuzzled but Bill wasn't done yet, kissing her shoulders and then following the vee of her breasts and back again to her nipples. Gracie held his head against her, pressing back with her hips against his hardness. She wanted this, wanted Bill, needy of the physical contact, and felt her tummy flutter as he kissed his way lower, past her navel, and as if catapulted into the delirium of passion, any questions of right or wrong were swept from her head as she bucked against him, urging his mouth and tongue to tip her over the edge, gasping as the first waves of her orgasm raced through her and then releasing, feeling her body let go.

"Oh god yes, Bill, now, please now."

Gracie's knuckles were white as she clutched the sheet beneath her, gasping as each thrust forced the breath from her, her legs locked around his hips, wanting him in her, wanting to feel his strength, just wanting all the tension between them to be dissolved by their passion, pushing hard against him, ready to receive him as he released into her.

Bill rolled off her, breathing heavily.

"I have to go. The shepherds will be needing me on the high pasture. You can come along if you like but we'll be late since we've lost all this time with the weather. Your clothes will be dry by now."

And suddenly he was gone.

She could hear him downstairs pouring some hot water into the bath that she'd used last night, topping it up.

Hands that were touching her with such unbelievable intimacy a few moments ago had left her lying there, completely bereft of both him and of her pride. She felt used and she dressed as quickly as she could. There was no way in hell that she'd let him see her die inside from pure shame, so she took the stairs quickly, cast one look at him and threw the tea pot into the tub, spoiling the water and then smacked him as hard across the face as she could.

"You fucking farmer. No, that's an insult to farmers. You are the most horrible man on the planet. You and your fucking sheep can just fuck off, you rotten user, you insensitive oaf. You think you can just fuck me and go? Am I just some silly little tart from London for you to fuck? How many other women have you done this to? I hate you. I hate you for this."

Jessie was sitting looking up at her, her ears flat, as Gracie grabbed his jacket and pulled it on, taking his clothing and boots with her. She didn't know how to use the quad but she did know where the spark plug was so she pulled the lead right off and marched away with the lot in her arms, heading down the track towards the village and the hotel.

Bill sat open mouthed in the bath. What the hell had he

he done now? Didn't the silly self-centred bitch understand anything?

He looked around for his clothes and then the realisation hit him. The stupid girl had taken them with her and his boots and his jacket. How the hell did she expect him get down to the hotel now?

He'd just have to throw a blanket around himself and hope nobody saw him riding the quad like that.

Jessie followed him out to the bike and jumped onto the seat ready for the ride but the damn thing wouldn't start. He had a look and discovered that the spark plug lead was missing.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! You stupid fucking bitch, you jumped up city prat, you worthless piece of shit."

He sat on the bike fuming and then started to laugh as the insanity of the situation hit him. The stupid girl, who'd almost certainly done nothing useful in her life, had wrecked one poor guy's day by walking out on him and had wrecked his day by walking in on him. She was a mobile disaster area, very pretty and as far as he got to know her, an extremely tender lover, but prickly, over sensitive and completely blind to anything that was not her. 'Ah well,' he thought, 'she's been an interesting diversion but she was gone and that was that.' He only hoped that she really had gone and wasn't hanging around the hotel when he got down there.

"Come on Jessie, we can coast downhill on the quad, much better than walking."

They set off down the hill to the hotel. Even though it had stopped raining there was still a chill wind and even with a blanket wrapped tight around him was cold but he'd been worse and there was no way that he was going to let her get to him. She'd gone, though god knows where or how, and good riddance to her. With any luck she'd be out of the village and on her way to Carlisle by the time he got there. He'd get the fire lit, run a hot bath and pour himself a very large whisky. Losing the day like this would put him behind with the work but he'd be up at dawn tomorrow to fix the bike and get on.

At the hotel there was no sign of her and he lit the fire and ran the bath. He had a look to see if she'd been around but it didn't seem so.

Either she'd got lost on the mountain or she'd caught the bus. In any case, she was gone, out of his life and, all in all, a good thing too.

In the bedroom her wedding dress and slippers were still where she'd left them and the bed was as it was yesterday, the covers thrown back and the sheet creased and rumpled from where she'd slept.

'Was it really only yesterday that they'd had breakfast and set off up the hill on the bike together?' he thought.

He sat on the bed. Her perfume was still there in the bedroom, caught in the sheets and he put his hand in the hollow where she'd lain and he was suddenly very sad.

She was gone and he'd miss her, far more than he cared to admit.

The sound of someone coming up the stairs made him look up and suddenly, there she was, standing in the doorway of the bedroom in his boots and his jacket that was almost down to her knees. She looked as terrible as he felt and he wondered if she was going to shout at him again but she didn't. Her voice was barely a whisper.

"You are a bastard and I hate you. You don't have a clue about women, and ..."

She sniffed, wiping her eyes and nose with the cuff of his jacket that almost covered her hands.

" ... and look what you made me do." she said, pulling off his boots to reveal her bleeding feet. "The boots cut my feet and all I wanted was a cuddle afterwards and not you running off to your bloody sheep." She sniffed loudly again.

"I know you have animals that have to be looked after but a cuddle? Would it have killed you to just be nice for a moment instead of just leaving like that? What we did was lovely, so tender, so wonderful, and I didn't think you could be as tender as that but then you put me second to your fucking sheep Bill, after what we'd just done together, after the way you'd made me feel when we were making love. That hurt Bill, really, really hurt. Just wham, bang but without the thank you mam. Couldn't you have spared just a second to switch from Bill the lover to Bill the farmer?

She wiped her eyes again and looked at him, so vulnerable with just the blanket that he'd worn back down the mountain and the fact he'd come to this room of all places. Was he checking to see if she was back and on seeing that she wasn't, he'd sat disappointed or had he been making sure that she'd gone. A part of her wanted to get back to having breakfast with him in the hotel yesterday morning when they were getting along so well and to what happened in the bedroom up in the cottage this morning before he'd left abruptly but then another part of her warned against wanting him like that. Something told her that this man would never be easy to be with but at the same time, never dull. She knew he was driven by his work at the hotel and on the land but could he change? Would he? Did he want to change? Could he find time to accommodate another person in his life, someone like her? Perhaps that was why he'd been dumped by the woman who was supposed to be sleeping in this room. Maybe she'd had enough as well.

She held out her hand slowly, ready to jump back if he tried to turn her over his knee again, and uncurled her fingers to reveal the spark plug lead. Her hands were shaking and she felt her cheeks flush at her own weakness of spirit but she was worn out just being in the room with him, the roller coaster of emotions exhausting her.

"I think this is yours."

He was going to say something about what she'd done being silly and dangerous, silly because it didn't settle anything between them and dangerous for both of them, especially for her being out on the mountain alone like that but he decided against it. He patted the bed beside him.

"Come and sit. I think we need to talk if we're not going to continue like this."

Gracie was wary of him, not trusting him not to be violent again although she did admit to herself that if provocation was needed, leaving him in the cottage with no clothes and a broken quad was probably provocation enough. Nevertheless, she sat by him, looking at her hands in her lap and she smiled to herself at the thought of him having to walk back to the hotel with nothing else but a blanket wrapped around him.

"I've been a bitch but you've been an insensitive bastard."

He drew a breath to speak but she pressed her fingers to his lips.

"I've not finished. I don't know how your relationships with women have been but when I asked you to come to bed with me and give me a cuddle that was me, not only needing a cuddle, but saying how wonderful you were when you bathed me and me trying to draw a line under what had happened between us, and we cuddled and that was just wonderful. Everyone needs cuddles, you, me, everyone, and then this morning when we made love it was just perfect. You are so sensitive to a woman's needs, well this one anyway, and I thought we really had broken away from the anger, the shouting and ... well you know. But then to just leave like that, do you know how that made me feel, like I was just some woman who was a good screw before you left for your real love, your animals, leaving me firmly as second best? Can you understand that? And I was angry and hurt and felt used, like you'd paid some whore to service you before you went to work. That's what you did to me Bill and I was angry and lashed out the only way I could. All I needed was a hug and a kiss and a 'see you for lunch' ... anything, but not just leaving. Do you understand that?"

Bill looked at her. He understood perfectly what she was saying but he also knew that Gracie had no idea of the pressure he was under running the farm and the hotel, pressure that was enough to make most people buckle, especially now, just a month before his thirty first birthday.

"There are things about me that you don't know and I can't really tell you at the moment but suffice it to say my future depends on those things and I won't know what my future is for another month, until my birthday when I turn thirty-one. There are no terrible secrets, no skeletons hidden in cupboards, no bodies buried in the garden, no pending prosecutions, but I am under a lot of pressure so at times, like this morning, I may seem insensitive and uncaring and for that I apologise but I don't intend to be like that. After what I did to you yesterday you have every reason to be doubtful of me, even frightened of me, so all I can do is apologise again and tell you now that, although I find you exasperating, brittle and unpredictable, someone who walked into my life two days ago and turned it upside down, you are at the same time bright, witty, a bit scatty, very beautiful, a wonderful lover and, when we're not having a go at each other, someone that I would miss very much if, despite of all that's happened, you weren't here."