A Cure for Panic: Sessions 1 and 2

I looked at Seema. She was nervously chewing the tip of her pen, watching me intently with her dramatic eyes.

"When I'm touching myself."

She breathed in deeply and then continued after a pause that was just long enough to be awkward.

"Well. We can't do that here, of course. But maybe we can still produce the effect with different methods. The first thing we should try is visualization."

"Sounds fine to me," I replied, eager to move on.

"What I'd like you to do is sit comfortably in your chair and close your eyes."

I followed each of Seema's instructions. Her voice was deeper than I expected and soothing.

"I want you to imagine that you're with your wife, in your bedroom. She's wearing her best lingerie. You are in the bed, waiting for her, unclothed. She approaches the bed and removes her clothing. Imagine what her body looks like. Reach out and imagine touching her bosom and her skin. Now she gets into bed with you and lies down. She asks you to begin to make love to her. Let me check in--where are you on subjective units of distress, or SUDS, on a scale from 1 to 10 right now? That is, how high is your feeling of panic?"

The formality with which Seema described the scene was distracting. Nothing was happening for me.

"Well, honestly, I'm a zero," I said.

"Ok, well, how can I describe it differently that might help you to generate that discomfort you felt?"

I opened my eyes. "I think that, maybe, you need to be a little more...graphic in your description."

Seema's lips pursed and she seemed to shrink just slightly into the desk chair. She took another deep breath. "Ok, I can do that." She seemed to be saying this more to herself than to me.

I closed my eyes and she started over.

"Your wife is in bed with you. She reaches out and starts to touch your penis. She's playing with it and you get very hard. She looks you in the eyes and lays back on the bed, spreading her legs. She's inviting you inside. She says that she really wants to feel you inside of her. You oblige her and lay on top of her, entering her vagina completely. She feels good. Could you tell me your SUDS rating now?"

"One," I answered. I guess this was an improvement, but I was thinking much more about Seema's bland narration than on actually having sex.

"This isn't working either," Seema said, looking frustrated. "Well, what would your wife say to you in this moment?"

"Honestly, she's really quiet during sex. I wish she would say more, but it just doesn't come naturally for her."

"Hmm, well, I have to get this to work!" She looked at the mirror again, this time lingering and looking very anxious. "Ok, I can do better. Please close your eyes."

I did so. I heard Seema take a deep breath before she began to speak.

"You are inside your wife. She starts to moan."

Then, instead of talking, Seema herself started to moan in her deep breathy voice. Almost instantly, my dick started rising.

"Mmmmm. Uuuuunnnnn. Yessssss. AAAAHHHH!"

Seema was getting louder and more insistent.

"Oooh, that's so good. You're so deep inside me."

She had my attention.

"Fuck me harder! MMMMMmmmmm. Fuck me deeper!"

My heart rate started to rise.

"Fuck that long hard pole deep into my slick needy cunny!"

I peeked my eyes open and saw that Seema had closed her own. Her hands were at her sides clenched into fists. The points of her nipples had hardened and were conspicuously protruding out from her silk blouse.

"Oh, you're so big. Fuck me harder. I need your thick veiny shaft stretching me out. My pussy wants to drain the cum out of you. You're making me cum! AHHH! AAAAHHH! AAAAAHHHH!"

I couldn't believe how dirty she had become. My heart was now actually pounding.

"AAAAAAHHH!!" she gasped, then abruptly, in her regular voice, "What's your SUDS now?"

"Eight," I said, both stunned and anxious.

"Ok, great, we did it!" Seema replied with a giddy lilt, "Now remember that this feeling you're having in your body isn't dangerous, you aren't dying, and it will come down on its own."

We waited silently in the room while my pulse slackened, my dick shrunk, and Seema's nipples retreated.

"I'm happy that worked, but I think we need to find something that works even better. Unfortunately, I'm at the limit of what I can say to you in the imaginal exposure." She smiled at me, her success at getting my blood pumping seemed to have emboldened her.

"We need a real visual stimulus next. Usually, we'd watch YouTube clips of the things that a client is afraid of, but in your case, I'm thinking we might have to utilize a pornographic website. I'm sure this seems odd, but I assure you it's all standard practice. Do you consent to this?"

"Sure," I said, remembering my commitment to the treatment, but not sure exactly what she was planning.

"Ok, so can you tell me what part of my visualization got your symptoms up the most?"

"Ha, well, it was when you said your pussy wanted to drain the cum out of me," I said with a smile.

Even through Seema's dark skin, I could see her blushing. "Well, that was your wife's...vagina...saying that, of course! But, I think I'm beginning to understand. It seems your fears are related to starting a family with her. The act of insemination might be your trigger."

I could sense the truth in what she was saying and was speechless. I nodded in affirmation. Seema was more skilled than she appeared.

"Please come over here and sit at the computer."

I obliged, and Seema sat on the couch behind me.

"Can you please navigate to a website that will play adult videos?"

I entered in a familiar address, and the screen was filled with lewd thumbnail previews.

"Good," Seema continued, "now let's try a relevant keyword. Maybe 'impregnate' will work?"

As I typed the word, I became aware of the one-way glass again. Was Dr. Madeline observing all of this? The way the room was set up, she wouldn't have a good view of the desk and couldn't see what's on the monitor, but still. Making me feel even more self-conscious was that, in the reflection of the glass, I could clearly see Seema sitting on the couch with her clipboard in her lap, watching me.

"Read some of the titles, please," instructed Seema.

"Ok, um, 'Lucky Dude Gets to Impregnate his Aunt,' 'Oops I Impregnated my Sister,' 'Lonely Mom Wants me to Impregnate her'."

Seema laughed. "Somewhere Freud is saying 'I TOLD you so!' Let's skip the incest stuff. Anything else look promising?"

"How about 'British Guy Impregnates his Neighbor's Wife'?" I offered.

"Close enough, go ahead and play it."

I clicked on the video. Almost immediately I regretted it. The neighbor's wife was an Indian woman not much older than Seema. I glanced at Seema in the reflection, but she didn't seem to have a reaction.

The video was pretty standard for porn. They had a flirty conversation that soon led to the woman touching the guy, taking off her clothes, and then opening his pants to start sucking him off. Her dark lips wrapped around his large cock and she soon started to deepthroat him.

"You can skip all this oral stuff," came Seema's voice from behind me. "We want to get to the parts that will more likely trigger you."

I scanned forward a bit, and soon the woman spread her tan legs and beckoned for the man to penetrate her. He wasted no time, thrusting into her with force, producing groans of pleasure that were just slightly over-acted.

The actors had been fucking for a few minutes when Seema said, "What's your SUDS now?"

"Four," I answered.

"Hmm, that's no good. Do you need a different video?"

"No," I replied, "I think it's more that I can't really get into it just watching it."

"Ah, so, you mean maybe we need it to be more interactive?"

"I think so, yes."

Seema looked like she was weighing something. She glanced at the one-way glass. "Ok, your trigger is so specific, we might have to allow some things that are not standard clinical practice. If you're comfortable with it, you could open your pants and use your hand. If you're ever going to get over your attacks, we need to do whatever we can to find the situation that will reliably produce the panic symptoms"

Exposing myself to this sexy student seemed wrong somehow, but I'd already gone this far, what was a little more? I took her up on the suggestion and soon my pants were around my ankles and my hand around my member, which was sticking out through the fly of my boxers.

On the video, the woman was riding on top of the guy. She was bucking her hips and engulfing his cock between the dusky lips of her pussy. Her moans were high-pitched and quite sincere now. His hips rose to meet her downward thrusts. They were really going at it, and it was turning me on. My cock hardened in my hand and soon I was jacking in rhythm with the action.

"What's your SUDS now?" Seema said, quieter than before.

"Five" I said. I shot a look in the mirror and saw that she was staring down at my crotch. Her nipples were hard again, so pronounced now that it was clear she wasn't wearing a bra. Her legs were parted and from my angle I could see right up her skirt to a pair of dark red panties. Trying not to get caught, I looked back at the computer.

The couple shifted to doggy-style. "You're so deep!" the woman said. "Please don't stop!" The guy was beginning to grunt now too.

"Uh, SUDS?" Seema said, sounding like she was holding her breath.

"Five again," I answered.

"Let's keep going."

I shifted my eyes slightly to look in the mirror again. She wasn't watching where I was looking. Her gaze was still fixed on my hand pumping my hard shaft. Then I looked lower. Seema had moved her left hand down between her legs. One of her fingers was tracing a path up and down the center of her red panties. "This is the real show!" I thought.

"Yes, give it to me!" the woman on the video was yelling. I moved my had a little to give Seema a better view. She had left the clipboard on her lap, effectively blocking anyone behind the mirror from seeing what she was doing. Her right hand now joined the left and slid the fabric of her panties to the side. Her index finger quickly found her engorged clit and flicked across it. Her other fingers spread herself open to display a brilliant pink that contrasted with the protruding dark flaps of her pussy. Thick dark hair adorned her womanhood. She was glistening and her thin brown fingers easily glided up and down her slit.

Seema closed her eyes and started breathing heavily. "SUDS?" she gasped.

"Maybe seven," I replied. I had started feeling some tightness in my chest.

"Oh, a breakthrough! Please keep going" she said in an urgent voice that sounded more like the woman on the video than my therapist. "I need you at a--mmmph--ten."

On the video the woman said, "Let it go. I want it. Do it. Cum inside me!"

Three of Seema's fingers disappeared into her pussy. Her ass jolted up from the chair, her mouth opened wide, and her whole body trembled for just a moment. Then her eyes popped open in alarm.

"That's your trigger, right?" she exhaled. "What's your SUDS now!?"

I was starting to really feel my heart now. "Eight," I said.

"Great, but we need it higher for this to work," she said almost desperately. A look of determination appeared on her face. Seema stood and walked over to my chair. She positioned herself on the right side of me at an angle that was too tight to be seen from the observation room.

Seema put one hand on the back of my chair and leaned close to me. So close, that I could feel the contours of one of her erect nipples rubbing against my shoulder.

"Do you see how much she wants him to unload into her?" Seema whispered in my ear. "She needs his sperm to make her belly swell." I started picking up the pace with my hand.

Almost on cue, the woman in the video demanded, "Fill me up!" The guy's leg muscles were starting to tense up.

"SUDS?" said Seema in a jarringly normal voice.

"Nine," I declared. My heart was racing, and the panic was starting to overwhelm me. I felt my cock start to lose some of its rigidity. "Seema, I'm not so sure about this. I think I should stop"

The guy was really going at it now. He wasn't going to last much longer.

"You'll be ok. Remember you committed to this. We're so close..." Seema trailed off.

Then, I felt something on my balls. Looking down, I saw Seema's dark hand cupping them. She started gently pulling and teasing them.

"Um..." I started.

Seema was purring in my ear. "You can do this, let the sensations come, you aren't going to die," she reassured me. Her other hand pushed mine away and wrapped around my shaft and I hardened again. Her palm was slick from her own juices and she started firmly stroking up and down. She continued massaging my testicles, which were heavy and full.

My heart felt like it was going to burst. The panic attack was coming. I couldn't stop it.

"Give it all to me! Make me a mommy!" the woman on the video was saying.

My breathing was getting out of control. I started trembling. My vision was fading.

Seema's tongue touched my earlobe. "Now," she said. "close your eyes."

I didn't need to. The world was already going black and I was certain I was on the verge of losing consciousness.

"Did you notice how wet you made my little brown cunt?" It was not the woman in the video, but Seema.

Shit, she had caught me!

"Picture yourself sliding in and out of me." Seema was almost hissing now, but so close to my ear that Dr. Madeline wouldn't hear her. "I want you to let it out for me. It's ok."

I gasped frantically for air at the same time as my balls started to spasm.

"Don't stop until you've released every drop into my tight young pussy."

This sent me over the edge. Instead of passing out, two strong bursts of cum leaped from me and onto the wall under the desk. Seema moved one hand to block and the next few spurts painted pearlescent streaks across her long dark fingers. A few final residual spasms released oozing seed down the back of her other hand, which was still grasping my length.

My vision cleared. I couldn't believe it--I didn't have a panic attack!

"What was your maximum SUDS during that exercise?" Seema said, suddenly shifting back to a professional voice. She started wiping my semen off with nearby tissues.

"It was definitely a ten."

"And where is your SUDS now?"

"Two"

"Wonderful!" Seema stepped out to the middle of the room and oriented proudly toward the one-way glass as she spoke. "And you survived! I'd say this was a successful exposure session!"

I wasn't fully clear on what had happened. Was this a professional interaction or something more? Had I just cheated on my wife?

Seema read me like a book. "Remember, to conquer these panic attacks and help you improve your relations with your wife, we're going to have to take drastic actions. I hope you see that I am fully committed to helping you through this. I hope you too can continue to fully participate in your treatment."

I felt less guilty after hearing this. "Thank you, Seema, I can see you are giving it your all."

The innocent look had returned to her face, and she gave me a cute smile. "Our time is up for today. Your homework is to practice this exercise with the pornographic video three times a day, every day. Don't forget all that we did here and try to re-enact it in your practice."

With that, Seema left the room.

I zipped up my pants and headed to my car. That week, I did practice three times a day. I never got to a ten again, though. Soon, I wasn't even getting above 4. It seemed like this therapy was really working!

Things seemed so good that, the night before my next session, I thought I might be ready to try sex with my wife again. I pulled her into the bedroom, eager to test my progress. The excitement shone in her eyes. But then, just minutes after we took our clothes off, I was kneeling on the floor, convinced I was having a heart attack.