A Deeper Understanding of Desires.

Author's note: The following story is fantasy. In reality, the importance of consent (enthusiastic radical consent), communications, aftercare, and safety (both physical and mental) in CNC, BDSM, and Roleplay cannot be overstated enough.

Also, this should need to be said but this is a CNC story that gets a little rough so trigger warning. Please take care of yourself.

Also, this is NOT every person's fantasy. Thanks to those of you who make this a safe place to express this without fears of judgment.

As always, please feel free to comment. I love knowing my words can turn people on.

-S. J.

******

"What's not to understand Kelly?" I say taking a big sip of my drink "It's just a kink."

"Sorry Sara," she says "I'm not kink shaming but like wow. It just feels extreme. Like we have fought so hard to not be objectified and this just feels like the opposite."

I look at her. She has her big blue eyes in this look of concern. It feels like she feels that I am fragile and broken. The feeling I am getting from my best friend now doesn't feel like a judgment of criticism, more like a judgment of concern. That is almost worse and why I rarely tell anyone, including sexual partners my deepest desires and kinks.

"That's what makes it a kink." I say starting to get frustrated. "It's about me engaging in something that is NOT my reality and it being my choice to do it."

This all started earlier in the week. Kelly is my best friend. We have known eachother since college and decided that we needed some quality time together because it had been a while since we last connected. We decided to get a hotel room in town for a long weekend and reconnect.

Yesterday I checked into the hotel early, showered, and got on my new black sundress, some smoky eyes and looked great. I go down to the lobby and wait. I sneak up behind her and give her a big hug. She shrieks in fear and then glee.

She turns around and says "Damn. Look at you. Got a hot date? Also, ummm feeling cold."

I laugh out loud. "You're my hot date. Also, you know me. Bras don't do a lot of good for me and only serve the purpose of covering my nipples from the pervs looking so I gave up on them."

"Like the radical feminist you are." She says "Some of us can't be so lucky."

"More like a radical pragmatist." I say "Trust me, I would give anything to have half of what you have."

"We can make that trade later." She says laughing. Let me get changed and we will get this weekend started."

We get her stuff up to the large suite we were in. She showers and changes too and then we hit the town. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and caught up with each other. After we bar hopped winding up at a piano bar to truly embrace our most basic selves.

It was there that, with the help of two hurricanes, I opened my big mouth and referenced a kink. The piano player was this tall handsome man. His button up shirt had its sleeves rolled so you could see the strength of his forearms. I was fully swooning when I just casually mentioned "I wouldn't mind him sneaking into my room late at night."

"What?" Kelly asked. I now know because of a volume issue but at the time I thought this was acting for clarification.

"Oh yeah," I continue, "he could sneak in and surprise me by doing whatever he likes to my body. Maybe smack me around or choke me if I resist." For the record, the drinks were very strong and I am a very thin, barely over 5 foot woman whose idea of a wild night is a glass of Pinot Grigio. Normally I would be mortified to admit these thoughts to anyone.

"WHAT?!" She says now out of clarification.

"He could even bring a friend. Maybe they both have fun, maybe the other just helps hold me down." I am just staring into space lost in my own fantasy.

"Good lord Sara" she says with a forced chuckle.

"Oh" I say halfways snapping back "You could join too if you wanted. That would be hot. Or maybe just watch and yell degrading things at me." I give that laugh that is only reserved for people who have consumed too much alcohol. "Can you even imagine. That guy is like going to town on me and spitting on my face and you are all 'take that you slut.'" I just giggle.

"I'm going to get us both some water." she says like the responsible friend I normally am.

Typically that is my role. Keeping the group safe. This is why few suspect my wild side. I have even felt rejection from partners when I let them know my deepest fantasies because they thought of me as the timid, shy, kind girl. I have learned to usually downplay desires. I will introduce ropes and bondage and stuff and I will tell partners things like "I want what you want." But the reality is "I want what you want" is a far cry from "I want you to fuck me like a toy as hard as you can no matter how much I beg."

She and I don't mention this again throughout the night. We sing Sweet Caroline like nothing happened and pass out. It isn't until the next morning, over brunch drinking hair of the dog mimosas that I start to replay the night in horror.

"Hey," I say quietly. Forcing myself to say anything at all. "Sorry if I freaked you out last night. You are my best friend and there is probably something you should know about me." I proceed to explain consensual non-consent and some of my fantasies (Though in far less detail than the night before.) That is where we started. With her not getting it but also not wanting to kink shame.

"Look" I say, trying to stuff back my welling emotions about this. "I am not asking for this to be your kink and I get you aren't trying to kink shame me. But this is hard because most of the people who I have told walk away thinking I am just a big bag of trauma or damaged or that I am contributing to women being mistreated. That is where the shame comes in." I can't hold back a tear as I say this but also can't help but be grateful that this breakfast place is so shitty and there aren't more people to hear as I can't hold back. "I spend so much of my life trying to be powerful and to prove to the world that I am. And I genuinely feel that I am. But sometimes that means I need to cut loose and feel weak. It's just the way my brain codes that is the feeling of getting degraded and used. Like I could go into details but you would find me more disgusting than you already do." I move to get up and say "Sorry, I'll venmo you."

Kelly's hand shoots out and grabs my wrist. "Sara," She says softly. "I don't think differently of you. And I really don't think you need to feel shame. I was really just surprised. I think it is that I have known you for such a long time and this is the first I have heard about it."

I sit back down. Not wanting to look her in the eye. Feeling ashamed but also loved in that way only close friends can make you feel. Kelly continues "I don't share all of your kinks and that's okay. But I do know the feeling of being shunned for them. Do you remember Brad Travers?"

"Yeah, from sophomore year." I say reengaged in the conversation as I wipe my tears.

"Well," She says, looking around to see who is listening about 15 minutes too late "We were fooling around and he said he really wanted to try anal. He was practically begging. So I just told him the truth that I really liked it as long as it was done right."

"Amen," I add half heartedly and still a little teary "High five for lube"

She slaps my palm sarcastically and continues. "Right?! Anyway, he got freaked out by this and basically said I was a slut because I liked the thing he wanted to do. So I don't know exactly how you feel but I get what it feels to be shamed for what you want. And look, you are my best friend. If I could find a way to give you what you need so you don't feel this anguish I would."

"Thanks," I say, wiping away a tear. "I doubt that is possible now but it is nice to hear you say it."

We continue talking as we finish eating and move on to shopping and doing our nails in the room. Talking so openly about places where we have felt shame in the past is refreshing and liberating. I feel connected to my friend in ways that I didn't previously feel possible.

Eventually we order room service as we get dressed up in our best outfits and hit up a dance club. I love being 29. I can still get into a club relatively quickly but with every passing day I get more and more comfortable with the option of just going home early if I don't. Luckily we were only in line for a little bit of time.

Kelly and I hit the dance floor. The music was great, it was busy but not packed like sardines, and the drinks were not 20 dollars. We danced with a few guys who kept telling us they were in law school which was an interesting move. Not lawyers yet, just in debt and waiting to be. Interesting flex but it was funny.

They were both sexy and we had a blast dancing with them. One of the guys had this unique cologne that I couldn't help but notice because usually club guys are all body spray.

Eventually Kelly got tired and thirsty and went to get us a drink. I stayed on the dance floor and started dancing with a hot lady. Periodically I would glance to the bar and see Kelly chatting with the two guys and laughing. Kelly has always been a flirt but there is something that brings me so much joy to see her do it after she got married. I don't think she would ever do anything but it is this switch in herself that she can't turn off. It reminds me of my own switches that I can't turn off. Maybe I have more practice in not showing them but they are there. And seeing this in her reminds me that sometimes we can be unabashedly ourselves.

The night winds down and Kelly and I stumble to a cab laughing. We head back to our hotel room and decide to crash because it is one in the morning. Kelly is drunk and complaining about the room's heat. She strips down to her underwear and passes out.. I don't mind as she has nothing to be ashamed of but I put on the oversized t-shirt I use as a nightgown over my own naked form still laughing and the now snoring Kelly.

I am awakened in the middle of the night to the familiar click of a door handle. At first I worry Kelly has slept walked but as I turn I see she is asleep in her bed. I hear faint whispers coming from the living room of the suite. I look for my phone on the nightstand and can't find it. The room phone is next to the other side of Kelly.

"Psst, Kelly." I try to whisper. "Kelly." There is no response. Hear the whispers getting closer. Maybe they got the wrong room key or something. In a panic I turn away from the door and pretend to sleep. I am not even sure why. Maybe I thought they would see people sleeping and leave. Looking back it was a pathetic attempt but it was all that could come to me.

My eyes are closed tight. I hear movement but don't want to turn around. I just try to stay still.

Suddenly I hear a high pitched "MMMMMMM" a frantic sound of a muffled yell or scream. I go to let out my own but the second I try I feel a hand covering my mouth.

"Shhhh. Shut the fuck up." I hear a voice say to me. "Shut the fuck up right now." Behind this sound I hear a commotion of movement followed by the lights turning on around us. I am grabbed and moved to my back. My eyes look around. There are two men. One is over me. His weight pressing me down onto the bed. His face was covered in a mask. I struggle against his grip but it is hard. There is a certain familiarity with his grip on me that makes me both uncomfortable and excited.

The second man is also masked and holding Kelly from behind. They are standing by the door where he had just turned on the lights. I see Kelly's eyes wide looking over at me. Her naked form being held tight. Her hands in fists.

The person above me says "Here is how this is going to work. Our hands are going to move and if you scream anything except screams of pleasure there will be punishment. You can fight all you want but we fight back and there will be punishment. If one of you tries to run you may make it away but the other will be punished." He looks at his friend by the door. "Sit her in that chair." His head nods to the chair by the window on the opposite side of the room from the door.

Kelly is thrown into a chair. The person who was holding her is close. Like he is waiting for her to make a move. But she sits and stares at me. The shock grabbing hold of her.

His hand briefly moves from my mouth. I try to yell "KEL-" and it is immediately moved back.

"What the fuck did I just say?" He asks me. He turns to his friend. "Go to my shit and get me my tie."

"But what abo-" his friend starts

"She won't do shit. Not with her little friend here."

The guy with Kelly disappears briefly to the living room area and comes back with something wadded in his hand. It is a neck tie that is quickly wrapped around my head and triple knotted in my mouth. The protests, yells and screams are muffled quickly. I can feel the silk on my cheeks. Later I would remember smelling a familiar cologne on it but in the moment it is lost in the vast overload of my senses.

The man on top looks satisfied as a mumble into the tie. "I told you that you would be punished," he said. He grips onto my shirt and rips it, exposing my naked body beneath. "I fucking told you" and with that he slaps one of my breasts hard.

I let out a muffled yell. Kelly snaps back into it and starts to yell an objection when the second guy quickly stops her. "No, no, no. Talk like that will only get your pretty little panties stuffed into your mouth and get your friend punished harder."

Her mouth snaps shut as a second slap comes down onto my other breast. I squirm and squeal. He slaps me again. My mind races to fantasies I have had of this thing but it is so different. This is so real and so raw. Past my gag I yell out "PLEASE" but even I am not sure what I mean. Is it please stop or please keep going?

One of his hands moves down and slips a finger into me. "Jesus," He says. You can hear the smile in his voice "Is this actually making you wet?" His friend laughs. "So, is it?" he says to me sternly, before slapping my tit again, "Answer the question. Is - it - making - you - wet?" his hand comes down with a slap between every word. The skin of my chest is on fire and I am sure it will be bright red.

All I can do is nod ever so slightly. You can see the victory in his eyes "I fucking new it."

The tall one next to Kelly laughs and turns to her. "Your friend is a fucking slut isn't she?"

Kelly says nothing in reply and just continues to look at me. Suddenly the tall one grabs her face by her cheeks and makes her look at him forcefully "I said 'Isn't she?'"

Kelly shreeks "Yes she is."

He lets her go but continues to prod her. "She is what?"

Softly, almost inaudibly Kelly says "She's a fucking slut."

The short one on top of me says "Yeah she is" as he places his middle finger back inside of me. He rubs it in me. Pumping it in and out. I feel him remove it only to feel it being slid into my asshole. I let out a scream and moan into my gag as he says "She really fucking is."

Keeping his finger in me he looks down into my eyes with severity. "If I remove this gag are you going to scream?" I pause but shake my head no. "You better fucking not."

With his free hand he pulls the tie down around my neck letting it hang loose there. My panting sounds loud in my own head. With a finger still in my ass I can feel his other hand moving down my body until he places two more fingers into my pussy. The fullness I feel makes me feel used, degraded, excited, and confused all the same time.

He pulls his two fingers out of me and stuffs them into my mouth. I can taste my own wetness on them. I cough as they are held deeply there but he doesn't move them. Just holds them deep, only retracting them right at the moment where I feel myself start to gag.

"Yeah," the tall one says "I bet she liked that." He turns to Kelly. "What do you think? Did that slut like that?"

Still quiet, Kelly answers "yes."

"Yes what?" the short one on me asks loudly.

"I think she liked your fingers in her mouth." Kelly says.

"Why?" He asks.

"B-b-because" she pauses not knowing what to say before blurting out "It tastes like her pussy."

"Does she like the taste of pussy?" The tall one asks with a laugh.

"I-I- I don't know." she adds in. This was a lie. Kelly was very much aware of my history with women. Once when we were roommates she walked into my room when I was hooking up with a girl from my lit class. I will never forget looking over bronze thighs to see her shocked face looking at me.

"What about dick?" The short one asks. "Does she like the taste of dick?"

"I-I" Kelly starts again.

"Don't say you don't know. You fucking know. Does she like cocks?"

"Yes" she says, quietly again.

The two guys laugh again. The short guy on me turns his gaze to Kelly. I can see his eyes looking over her. "What does she like to do with them?"

Kelly doesn't answer. She stairs forward not knowing what to do. The short one slaps me, this time across the face. The shock makes me yelp out and the sound makes Kelly jump. "I'm going to tell you how this works and you are going to play along. And if you don't we take it out on her and when she can't take it anymore we're going to take it out on you."

"No" I call out knowing the consequences. A hand slaps my breast hard again. "Just me. Kelly, it's okay." I look her in the eye and nod. "Just like we talked about."

"See," the guy starts again addressing Kelly, "your friend knows how this works. So we are going to ask you questions and you are going to give us answers. You are going to tell us how this slut likes to get fucked. That way however, hard she is fucked you will know it was really your doing."

I see the reluctance come back in her face but give her another nod.

"She," there is a pause as she tries to muster her energy to pick her words, "she likes dicks in her mouth."

"Does she now?" The tall one asks amused.

Hands grip my shoulders tightly and I pull from the bed to the floor right in front of Kelly. Just a foot away. I am forced to my knees as the two men unzip and step out of their pants. Their cocks already rock hard. The tall one puts his hand at the base of his shaft and slaps my face with his penis before laughing.

"Does she still want it?" he asks Kelly. The secret is that part of me does want it. I want what is in front of me on this primal level.

"She does" Kelly says "She wants both of them. She wants them in her mouth."

A hand holds the back of my head and a cock is shoved between my lips. He lets out a moan and starts to thrust it in and out slowly. The hand at the back of my head pulls my hair back and then thrusts my head down onto the other one.

"She likes it huh?" One of them says to Kelly "I don't know she is just sitting here. Tell her what to do."

"Suck them Sara" Kelly says. "You know you want to."

"Sara?" The guy retorts, "That won't do. She doesn't have a name. She is just our slut."

Kelly changes her tune "Suck them off slut." Hearing this command from her energizes me. I start to bob my head on the cock in my mouth. Taking more and more of it in with each bob. Periodically pausing to swirl my tongue on the head.

The guy moans. "It feels like she is getting into it."

My hair is pulled again as they switch. "My turn" the other guy says. I continue to do the same to him. I can feel his cock twitch with pleasure in my mouth.

He moans with pleasure. "Yeah man," he says, "she's a little too into it." With that he plunges his cock to the back of my mouth and throat. He holds my head there for what feels like an eternity. I cough and gag, my arms press against his legs and eventually start hitting him as my nose is buried in his pubic hair. All of these actions seem to go unnoticed. Finally he lets me go. I cough loudly, spitting drool from my mouth as the penis leaves my mouth giving me a much needed break.