A Faithful Daughter

He suddenly pulled down on me hard while thrusting up. I gasped, felt him swell. He growled, and that by itself would have sent me over the edge, but then I felt his seed pulse inside me, filling me for the second time. It filled me and more, I felt myself contribute my own fluids, and then I knew we were complete, again.

I folded limply on top of him, kissing him and running my hands through his hair as he gently massaged my back. We were beyond father and daughter now, into a new territory that I didn't understand but was desperate to explore with my new lover.

All good things must end. Eventually, we separated, took a shower together, lovingly washing each other. We packed in silence, a little sad that the trip was over. Then we drove back. I took the first shift. The sky was gray, but the clouds shifted beautifully. We made conversation, but the closer we came to home, the more silent my father became.

He must have been thinking about us and what we had done. I know that I was. Maybe he needed time to process and understand it. He was still my father, and I thought of him as being my superior. I knew that he was thoughtful, and I would follow whatever lead he took in our new relationship. If he let me, I'd share his bed every night, but if this was something we only did on the weekends or if he wanted me to be in my own room and he'd come to me, I was okay with that too.

When we got home, we unpacked the car. I started washing clothes and doing some household chores, while he disappeared into his office for the rest of the day, getting caught up on work.

That's what he said, anyway. He couldn't have been hiding from me, could he?

I went to bed early, tired from the trip and my morning exertions. I wouldn't be presumptuous and assume that he'd want sex tonight. We would talk about it soon enough.

I was naive. This was the beginning of bad times.

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CHAPTER FOUR

Islands Alone

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I knew that was coming from the way he hadn't hugged me the previous night. He did every night. Now, he didn't want to touch me. Honestly, though, I just expected a conversation about discretion. That was not what happened.

He was already in the kitchen when I came downstairs. Ready for work and looking confident and strong in his suit. But also serious. I was all ready for school and just looking forward to a hug and maybe a slightly more naughty version of a morning kiss.

Instead, I got stony silence.

"What's wrong?" I asked, already fearing the answer.

He sighed, then looked at me sadly.

"This weekend was...we can't do that again..."

I didn't fully understand.

"Why not?"

"It was a mistake, Allie, I think that you know that."

I panicked as I fully understood what he was saying.

"No! Don't say it. Don't you dare fucking say it!"

"Allie, I...it was wrong. It was wrong, and it was my fault. I never should have allowed it to happen in the first place. I'm sorry, but I can't be that man for you. I won't damage you like that, even if it means we can't ...can't live together anymore."

I was lost in tears. Didn't he understand that I wanted him? That I loved him, deeply and sincerely? This wasn't some shallow adolescent fantasy, but painful, terrible love. And now, my Daddy, the one man I trusted, the man I'd given my virginity to, was rejecting me. It was too much. I lost my temper. I still regret it to this day, as I hope he regrets his words.

"You know what? Fuck you then. I love you but fuck you. You think you can just make me the happiest girl alive one day and then break my heart once you've gotten what you wanted? Maybe I'm not quite as pure and beautiful as I was before you put your cock in me. Is that it?"

"You know it isn't. I love you."

"Bullshit. You never loved me. You love mom's fucking ghost. I was just a stand-in, a hole to fuck that looks like her. She's still here, fucking everything up for us."

He'd been calm, but now that I'd insulted his precious long-missing wife, he started to get upset.

"I know you're upset...but don't talk that way about your mother."

Neither of us noticed, but that was when Larissa showed up to pick me up for school. Thank god she hadn't been early. She had opened the front door without knocking, which wasn't unusual for either of us to do. She came in just in time to see the grand finale.

"You're so fucking pathetic, you know that? Mom left. She fucking left you. She abandoned you, and me, by the way, and she's probably fucking some rich asshole half a world away. Everyone in town knows. Get over her and be your own man for once."

And then I stormed out, right past my shocked friend. I heard her sputter something to my father about having to go, but he said nothing.

I ran to my friend's car and got in quickly, slamming the door. I was in tears in moments, sobbing so much that I couldn't think much less speak. It was a fucked up situation, and I'd made it worse. I loved him so deeply, but he didn't return my feelings, no matter what he might say. If he did, he'd never be able to discard me like he just had. I was lost.

I didn't even notice when Larissa got into the car with me. In fact, by the time I had calmed down enough to be aware of my situation, we were already moving. Away from my father. I sunk further into my seat, unable to look at my friend. After a while, we stopped. I dried my eyes quickly with my sleeve and went to open the door. I didn't want to go to school, but I knew that I didn't have any other choice. Or that's what I thought, anyway.

When I looked out the window, though, we weren't at the school. We were at Larissa's home. I looked over at her for the first time in that ride, confused. She was looking at me, more worried than I think I'd ever seen her, smiling gently at me. Her compassion was too much for me to take right then, and I broke down again. Soon she'd unbuckled and was holding me while I cried in her arms. Neither of us said anything for a long while.

After maybe fifteen minutes, Larissa got out of the car, opened my door and led me inside her house, where she put me on the couch in her living room. I heard her mom's voice, a little worried, and they were murmuring. I could guess that they were deciding what to do about me, useless crazy girl that I was.

I had my eyes closed, but I felt a weight settle on the couch with me.

"Hey," Larissa started, "do you, um, want to stay here today? And maybe for the night? I know its weird, and if you don't want to, I understand, but mom says it's ok. You look like you've been through a lot and..."

I was in tears again, this time of gratitude. All I could do is nod.

"Ok. My mom is going over to your house, and she's going to get some clothes and stuff, all right? She's already called your dad. I guess he agreed it would be best if you stayed here for a while..."

Oh god. That hurt. That hurt so badly I couldn't contain it. I broke down in sobs again, uncontrollable, unexplainable. Larissa held me again. I don't remember a lot after that. I remember her getting me some water and eventually leading me upstairs to their guest room, where I laid down gratefully and fell into fitful, lonely sleep. I dreamed of my father making love to me, and then throwing me out, nude, ashamed of me, into the world. My friends mocked me, and I was left alone. I woke up to fresh tears.

I know its more complicated than that, but in my mind, he was done with me, and I was nothing but garbage. I couldn't even be mad at him anymore. I figured that anyone would have done the same once they understood what I was: a disgusting child who'd sink so low as to seduce her own blood.

I woke in the afternoon, still exhausted and depressed. Larissa had just come in, probably back from school. She was looking down at me, still very concerned. I guessed that her mom was also worried about. Her whole family had always been so kind to me.

Larissa sat next to me on the bed, and I sat up. I didn't say anything. I didn't even know how to start. Thankfully my best friend seemed to understand.

"Hey. You're welcome here as long as you like, ok? I think you know that. I told mom that you had a huge fight with your dad and that he was stubborn and unfair about something. Obviously, neither of us know the details, but she knows that you are really levelheaded and don't overreact, unlike me."

I looked up at her, and she was smiling. I smiled back. Larissa was brilliant, and amazing, and also sometimes incredibly emotional. I'd been there for her plenty of times when she'd had a fight with her parents, or a different friend, or a bad breakup. She was never really irrational or anything, she just needed someone to comfort her and provide perspective. I guess she was trying to return the favor now. I appreciated it. She spoke again, more quietly this time.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I did. I really did, but there was no way I could. I finally spoke.

"I...I can't. I'm sorry...its just too...too..."

Too personal. Too much. Too shameful. Too secret.

"Hey, Allie. Don't apologize, ok? I'm not going to push. I just know that whatever's going on, it's really serious. Probably more than my mom or my dad would ever guess. I know that you love your dad a lot, and I know that he loves you too, but I've never seen you hurt this much before. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I won't push."

"Th...thank you," I said. My voice was so weak and small. I felt like a useless little girl. Maybe I was.

"I'll stop bugging you in a second, I just...ugh. I want you to remember who I am, ok? We're friends, and you trust me, and I trust you. That's not going to change. But I want you to know that I remember the times you've been there for me. Especially the really rough stuff. Like...last year, when I thought I might have been pregnant. I was panicking, thinking my life was over, that everything was collapsing. And ...he'd made it clear to me that it was just sex, and he had no interest in anything else, so I felt so alone. You might not remember all of our conversations, but I do. You were so supportive and calm. You told me how you'd back me no matter what I wanted to do, and you even told me how you'd help me babysit if it came to that. Of course, I didn't end up being pregnant, but by the time I found out I was already relieved. I knew everything would be ok because you would be there for me. I just want the opportunity to be there for you too. So if you ever feel like talking, remember that I'll never break your trust, ok? No matter what."

I couldn't do anything, just nod. We just talked about nothing for a while after that, then watched some TV together. The next day I went to school with her, and when I came home with Larissa, I was surprised to find that her mom and dad had more or less just assumed that I'd be staying with them for the next week or so. They didn't make a big deal out of it or push me to share with them, or anything, for which I am still eternally grateful.

I was still lost and sad, but I didn't feel entirely alone.

I broke on the third night. I had a dream about the beach. Nothing was truly different than reality. It was basically a very vivid memory. I woke up right after, and as soon as I realized what I'd lost, I started to sob uncontrollably. I knew then that I had to tell someone or I would die.

I got up and went to Larissa's room, as quietly as I could. I didn't knock but just slipped in and closed the door behind me. She woke up when I sat on her bed. She was obviously a little out of it, her hair mussed from sleep, but she always managed to look beautiful no matter what. When she saw me, tears in my eyes, she just drew me to her and made me the little spoon.

There was nothing sexual about it, it was just comfort, and I needed it.

"You can't tell anyone," I started, finally, "no matter what you may think. It would make things so much worse. And no matter what good you might think you would be doing, it would ruin my life."

"Ok, Allie. Jesus. I mean...yeah. I won't tell anyone, ever. No matter what, ok? I'm just going to listen, and I won't judge or anything, ok?"

I relaxed after hearing her acknowledge what I wanted.

"I've felt a certain way...about my father for a while. God, that's such a lie. I love my father, and I have for...for a long time. I didn't acknowledge it until recently. I don't love him like I should. I love him like a woman loves a man. I ache for him, and I know in my heart that he's the one for me. And the way I want him. It's like...I don't know how to describe it. It's a need, like breathing. I need his love, his arms around me. I need him to...to be inside me. Like he...like he was this weekend."

"Oh...oh, Allie," was all Larissa said, holding me a little tighter. I didn't hear judgment, just surprise. I went on.

"He never did anything inappropriate. He never sent me any signals or...or touched me or tried to watch me naked or anything. He was just a perfect daddy like you've heard me say before. But I...God I saw him like other women see him for the first time, and I realized how badly I needed him. I don't know if subconsciously I had planned it, but when we went up the coast, I started to...be, uh, available to him, I guess. No, that's a lie too. I seduced him. I talked like a little slut, I got him going, turned his innocent father's touch into something much more intense. I moved his hands to where I wanted them. I slid against him and cuddled and rubbed on him as much as I could. And, eventually, he gave in."

"Are...are you sure that he didn't ...um...?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. I knew you'd be worried, but...he didn't do this to me. He didn't do anything that I didn't want him to. And it was wonderful, Larissa. I can't lie about this to myself or to you and especially not to him. It was...it was the best night of my life. He made love to me and...I held him as he came inside me, made me his. I've never experienced anything so intense or felt so loved. I'm my Daddy's little girl, and I'm worried that I always will be."

"What happened?"

I sighed bitterly. I couldn't help it. I loved him, but I also hated him. I hated him and Mom and every bit of my life that had made him so lovable and kind and caring but also so fucking ethical that he would hurt me this badly, under the guise of caring for me.

"He had second thoughts. He thinks in his wonderful, awful heart that he took advantage of me. I'm an adult, and I wanted this, and I was so happy, Larissa. You don't know. Well, I mean, you probably do, but I guess I mean you'd never seen me like that. I was bursting with love. All I wanted was to live my life and be his good little girl during the day and his slut at night and...I don't know, run away with him? Or just be with him. Be his wife, I guess. I know you said that you wouldn't judge, but I don't blame you if you do. If you think I'm sick, or twisted, or just disgusting, I won't blame you. I just...I just don't want you to think that he took advantage of me or worse, raped me."

Larissa was silent for a while, which I expected. I didn't expect what she said, though.

"I...I don't think you're sick. I mean... I'm not sure what to think, but if you say that it was consensual, then I believe you. I believe that you really and truly love him ...he's pretty lovable. And...jeez...I believe that he loves you too, and would, um...want to fuck you. You're really hot, Allie. I don't want to be weird, but men really want you. You always wonder why the boys at school look at Bethany or me but not you. Some do, but really, it's the men that want you. I've caught a lot of older, well-dressed, smart guys watching you. And your dad is...well he's fucking sexy and smart, and kind, and alone. You two together just seems to make sense to me. Now that you're talking about it I don't know how I didn't see it before now. Its actually kind of...hot."

Larissa laughed, but it was gentle. She hugged me. She didn't kick me out. She held me, and I slept very well. She really is the best of friends.

* * *

I suppose Larissa had told her parents not to push me at all. They considered me part of their family, and from that day forward treated me like it. I lived there, effectively, for months.

Bethany and Hana tried to talk to me about it, but neither one probed too deeply. I explained to each of them that my father and I had a falling out over my future career choices, and it made old tensions worse. The fight was awful, and we both said things that we couldn't take back. It was true enough.

The part that they had trouble believing was that my father had effectively disowned me. He was helping pay my expenses while I lived with Larissa, but he had no interest in me moving back. I'd checked, and my college fund was still there, still in both of our names. It was enough to get me through at least three years without loans and live on if I was frugal.

I cried less, but it never stopped hurting completely. I'd been rejected by the man I loved, thrown aside like a used condom. It didn't matter that I knew that in some part of his mind, he was doing this for me. I always thought that if it was this easy to cast me out, that maybe he'd never loved me as much as I'd adored him. Sometimes the thought would overwhelm me at random times, and I'd break down in sobs. More than once during my senior year, I ended up looking like a drama queen, bolting for the girl's bathroom for a little privacy.

One night in early December, Larissa finally decided to try and talk about things again. I appreciated the space she gave me, but I understood that she might be tired of living with me, too. I had expected to be told at any time that I needed to stay with someone else or find my own place. That wasn't what happened.

We were studying together, quietly, in her room. A common enough activity both before and after the events of that weekend. Larissa broke the silence.

"Allie, do you think he might be ready to take you back?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to think about it, but I owed her.

"No. He doesn't have a daughter anymore."

"I...I can't imagine him ever truly feeling that way. He loves you, I'm sure of it."

"It doesn't matter, does it? He's always been stubborn and so...so goddamn moral. He knows that the right thing to do is to never fuck me again. And he wants me, so the only way to prevent that is to be sure to never be alone with me, or maybe even see me. I'm half surprised that he didn't turn himself into the police."

Larissa was silent for a while.

"Does it still hurt as bad as it did?"

"Yes. Sometimes it's better, but I feel...alone. I know I'm not. I've got you and your parents and our friends. But that's how it feels."

"Is that why you stopped going to choir? I know you weren't really interested in doing more with it in college, but you used to love it. And...and other things."

"Yeah. I just...couldn't find the joy in it anymore."

"I'm going to make a suggestion. And I'm not going to be pushy, ok? It's just an idea..."

"Ok, Larissa, you don't have to baby me. You've done so much for me already. If you want me to get my own place or..."

"No! God, no. I love having you around. I've always wanted a sister, and this is as close as I'm going to get. And my parents love you too. You know that. And ...don't laugh, but they think having you around is a good influence on me. Because you're such a good girl."

Despite her admonishment, I giggled, and she did too. She went on.

"I just meant to suggest that you need something. A boyfriend to fuck or a hobby or a club. Something that can distract you a bit from what's going on in your brain. I'll help, of course, if you need it. I just...dodon't want to see you collapse into yourself, you know? Whatever happens, I want you to come out of this stronger."