A Gentleman Never Tells

I'll never forget 1995. I was a long time ago I know but it seems like yesterday to me. For a start it was a scorching hot summer, a rare thing in the UK and for another Everton won the FA Cup and that is even rarer. On top of that I'd also graduated from University with a BA Honours degree in English Literature and I was looking forward to starting my first job as a sports reporter for a local paper. And if that wasn't enough I had bought my first car, a red VW Beetle which I loved even more than I loved my girlfriend, which is saying something. But none of these are the reason why I will never forget 1995.

In the three years I spent at university I had met many people and got to know some of them quite well. I made many friends but I became close friends with Craig, Stewart and Dean in particular. We hit it off straight away and soon we were spending a lot of time together. We talking about our courses, our lecturers, about how shit the library was, about how boring Warwick was and we talked about about our plans for the future and so on. But we also did a lot of drinking and went to a lot of concerts and to as many parties as we could fit into our schedule. But a huge amount of our time though was also devoted to chasing girls. There were plenty to choose from on campus but there was one in particular we were all after because she was every man's wet dream.

Her name was Veronica and she had the face of an angel and the body of a Greek goddess. She had long curly blonde hair, blue eyes a nice red mouth and flawlessly white skin. We were all crazy about her and we never missed an opportunity to chat her up and chance our arm. Not that we got anywhere with her mind you and we were all shot down in flames with all engines ablaze more than once. But we weren't that upset when it happened because deep down in our heart of hearts we all knew that she was out of our league. She was the kind of girl who was destined for a billionaire or a Duke or a movie star not ordinary blokes like us. But not only was she utterly gorgeous she was also really nice. Beautiful girls are always so stuck up and full of airs and graces and they make it perfectly obvious that they think ordinary blokes like us aren't good enough to smell their shit. But Veronica wasn't like that. She was clever and liked a joke and was just good fun to be with. She didn't mind that we were always trying it on with her because like all girls she loved all the attention and being made a fuss of by us blokes. What we did find a bit strange though was that in all the time we knew her we never saw her going out with anyone. We sometimes wondered if that was because she was frigid or (god forbid!) a dyke or something but we discounted that. We all knew she liked the company of men and so we knew she must have had loads of boyfriends but we all wondered if none of us were good enough for her what kind of man was? Obviously he had to be tall dark and handsome but did she like them to be down to earth no nonesense types like me? Sporty types like Craig? Comedians like Stewart? Play it by the book types like Dean? Or interllectuals like Nigel?

Nigel was a bloke I had got to know when we shared digs for about a year. He wasn't a friend exactly but he was all right. He was tall and skinny very pale with a mop of jet black hair that had never seen a comb plus he wore thick black rimmed glasses. He looked exactly how the "school swot" should look like. On top of that he didn't drink or smoke (or swear), wasn't interested in sport or going to parties or concerts or in doing anything that was fun and that me and blokes like me enjoyed doing. In fact all he did was study and eat Pot Noodles. So he found it difficult to fit in and make friends and I couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him sometimes. And when my mates came round I tried to stick up for him when they took the piss out of him. And they were merciless and they never got tired of tormenting him and letting him know that he was odd. To my mates taking the mickey out of Nigel was a sport; a cruel blood sport.

"Come Nigel, just admit it. You're a poofta!" insisted Craig.

"Leave it out," I said half-heartedly

"So what kind of girls do you like Nigel?" asked Stewart.

"Why do you want to know?" asked Nigel nervously.

"Just curious, that's all."

Any bloke will tell you that they have a certain type they go for. One might be a "tit" man another a "leg" man and a third might be an "arse" man. Me? Tit man definitely. And Criag? Leg. And Stewart? Also leg. And Dean? He liked a good arse. But what about Nigel? He wouldn't say.

"But you do like girls?" pressed Stewart making it sound more like a threat than a question.

"Of-course."

"Why of-course?"

"Have you ever had a girlfriend Nigel?" Dean wanted to know. And we all waited for him to lie.

"Stop being so damn childish," he chidded us trying to shame us into backing off. No chance!

"But Nigel, we like being childish!" Dean pointed out.

"Come on Nigel stop being so modest. Tell us how many birds you've shagged. Is it more than a hundred or less than a hundred?" asked Criag

"It's none of your business," said Nigel.

"You're right. It's not," agreed Craig "but what's the answer?"

"A gentleman never tells," replied Nigel.

"Doesn't he?" gaffawed Dean and the rest of us too, "why the fuck not?" We all knew why but we still wanted to see him squirm.

"And since when have you been a gentleman Nigel?" we all wanted to know.

"I don't understand why you are so interested in my private life?" complained Nigel.

"Because we're nosey, that's why," explained Dean.

"Maybe he's waiting for Mrs Right?" I suggested.

"Except she's waiting for Brad Pitt," chuckled Dean.

"Nigel is a bit picky that's all," explained Stewart, "only the best is good enough for him. Am I right? Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Pam Anderson..."

"No of-course not," said Nigel looking and sounding uncomfortable.

"Come now, leave him alone," I said.

"I'm telling you mate," said Stewart sternly "best thing to do is just go down to the local knocking shop and let one of the girls there show you the ropes."

"Yeah. Once you've broken your duck you'll be fine," Craig assured him.

"Shagging birds is a lot easier than Physics," said Dean giving Nigel a meaningful look.

"I wish you would go away and mind your own business," said Nigel squirming in his chair

"We can't Nigel. We'd like to but we can't," said Craig sounding very apologetic.

"We're worried about you Nigel. This place is full of totty just gagging for it and you're letting it all go to waste."

They came up with a few suggestions. What about Jane? She wasn't bad, a bit flat chested mind you, but not bad. Or what about Susan then? She was a popular girl if you know what I mean. Buy her a drink and she's anyone's. Or Kate, she wasn't that pretty but she was clever. She liked Physics too so they'll have plenty to talk about. They all agreed that if he made a bit of an effort he could pull at least one and no one could understand why he didn't and frankly nor could I. It wasn't that hard for Pete's sake. You just ask them don't you? Most will say "no" but you'll find one who says "yes" in the end. Sure it might take someone as weird as Nigel a bit longer to find a girl to say "yes" but that wasn't a reason for not even trying. You have to put the work in if you want to get your end away and that was true for all blokes; even Brad Pitt

I remember one time after Craig and the others had been particularily brutal saying to Nigel, "girls don't bite you know."

"Oh I know," and then he added with a touch bravado, "I have had a girlfriend you know."

"Broke your heart did she?"

"Not exactly."

I waited for more information. But that was it.

"Sorry, I forgot; "a gentleman never tells" am I right?"

Nigell smiled wanly.

"Okay then. I'll leave you to your Thermodynamics or whatever it is," and shut the door behind me.

I have to admit it was strange. Okay, so he was uncomfortable around girls but he seemed to have a pathalogical fear of them as if they were aliens out to zap him with their ray guns or something. Because if one walked past him he'd shrink away as if he feared that even bodily contact might do him some harm and if a girl said anything to him even if it was only "have you got a light please?" he'd look startled and turn away and would ignore her.

Yet like all of us he couldn't resist gawping at Veronica whenever he saw her. His eyes were literally on stalks and his mouth would be half open. There must have been an absolute riot in his trousers! I can't be sure but I'm positive he followed her around. Because just as she would be leaving the lecture hall he'd be there hanging around at the bottom of the stairs or he'd "happen to be there" whenever she went to the library or when she went to the local supermarket he just happened to be going too. And the only time I ever saw him at the students bar hugging a pint in the far corner was when she was there with her friends or getting chatted up by me and a dozen other blokes.

So one day I decided to approach him and said, "Ask her if you can buy her a drink,"

"What? Oh no."

"Why not?"

"She wont want me to."

"Ask her and find out."

"I better not."

"All girls expect to be chatted up, "I mean take Veronica...I've chatted her up. So have Dean and Stewart and Craig. Now imagine if we just ignored her all the time. How bad do you think that would make her feel? You're a beautiful and desireable and no one ever says to you that you are beautiful and desireable. How awful would that be?"

"I suppose so."

"See the thing is, Veronica is not only the best looking girl in this place she is also really nice. And if you are nice to her she will be nice to you back."

"If it's all so simple why didn't you have any luck with her?"

"Because I'm not like you. You're sweet and kind and too clever by half. Women like that sort of thing. They like men who are sensitive. My problem is I'm none of those things."

Nigel didn't look convinced.

"Women will never make the first move. You have to make all the running. So just give it a go, "nothing ventured nothing gained" as they say."

"Oh I don't think so."

"What have you got to loose?"

He just sat there. Head slumped in his chest feeling miserable. I waited until Veronica was looking in my direction and then I caught her eye and waved her over.

"Hello," she said

"Hi."

"How's my favourite sexual deviant doing these days?"

"Extremely well thank you so much."

"What can I do for you?"

"This is Nigel by the way."

Nigel looked up and she gave him such a lovely smile it nearly knocked him unconscious.

"Oh I'm sure I've seen you around," said Veronica in a vague sort of way.

I gave Nigel a wink. Nigel said nothing. He wanted to but the cat had got hold of his tongue.

"He would like to buy you a drink and tell you why we should never have signed the Maastricht Treaty and why leaving the ERM was all for the best," I said to Veronica.

"That is not an accurate representatio of my views at all I'm afraid. I am not against the European Union per se I just feel the United Kingdom would be better off retaining it's freedom of action," replied Nigel as if he was answering a question on "Newsnight" or something.

"Oh, by the way," I said to Nigel, "Just to let you know but Veronica is a raging communist"

"Oh shut up and don't be such as ass," said Veronca lightly.

I rose to my feet and said, "I'll get the drinks in shall I?" I pointed a forefinger at Nigel as his cue. He missed it, "a pint it is then."

"Get me a coffee could you," asked Veronica.

"How do you like it?"

"Black."

"Like your men?" I said impressed by my own wit.

Veronica said nothing but lashed me with an evil look.

When I came back I put their drinks on the table. "Oh and also...sorry to interrupt," I said turning to look at Veronica, "but I forgot to mention he's a fan of Enoch Powell as well and he also thinks a womans place is in the home."

Then I took my pint made my excuses and left them to it.

That night when I got back to my digs he was already there sitting in his room hunched over his books a Pot Noddle by his elbow.

"So?" I asked all excited.

He looked up puzzled.

"Come on! Give me all the filthy details!"

Nigel looked perplexed.

"How did it go?..With Veronica dummy!"

"Oh. Fine."

"Fine?"

Nigel nodded

"Did you try it on with her though, like any normal bloke would?"

"Of-course not."

No. Of-course not. What on earth was I thinking.

"Did you tell her that you fancied her at least?"

"I did nothing of the sort..."

"So what did you do then?"

"We just sat and talked."

"What about?"

"I can't remember."

"You can't remember? Come on Nigel, I'm not asking you to tell me what the Nuclear missile launch codes are. What did you talk about?"

"It was all very innocent and inconsequential. I'm sorry if you are dissappointed. But there you are."

"I'm not dissappointed mate. But you should be."

"It was very pleasant and she is a very striking young woman."

"And you are planning to see her again?"

"I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Are you going to see each other again? Over a coffee maybe?"

"I don't like coffee."

I gave up, "Oh Never mind. Good night Nigel. But I'm glad you had a good time."

But over the following months I did see Nigel and Veronica in each other's company once or twice at the cafeteria so at least it was progress of sorts. At least Nigel was acting a bit more normal. I didn't tell him I'd spotted him with Veronica and quiz him about it because I was sure that all he'd have to say was that it had been "fine" or somethng similar.

So, now we get to the meat of the story and why 1995 was so memorable. We were all back at university for the graduation ceremony and some of us had been invited to a big bash afterwards to celebrate properly. I bumped into Nigel and suggested he come along too. But he just shock his head.

"Why not?"

"I'm not a party person."

"Veronica will be there. This will be your last chance."

"Last chance for what?"

"Coping off with your fantasy woman. It'll definitely be my last chance I'm telling yer!"

"She is not my fantasy woman as you call it."

"Okay but listen. This is still your last chance and you better grab it. Give it a go tonight. Don't forget, "fortune favours the brave" okay?"

I'll think about it."

"You do that."

So there we were at this big house with a big garden. It was a beautifully warm evening and we were all having a very good time. Veronica was there of-course with her girlfriends looking absolutely stunning in a white blouse and a black mini skirt. I looked round for Nigel and found him standing in a corner hugging his drink like a drowning man hanging on to a lifebelt. He looked lost. I made my way over to him.

"Cheer up mate. It might never happen."

"What? Oh. Yes."

"Glad you could make it at least."

Nigel took a reluctant sip from his beer. His glass was almost empty so I gave him my full one, "here, have some more "Dutch courage" it looks like you need it."

Nigel gave me a sickly smile.

"Have you seen Veronica yet?"

"No. No I haven't."

"Well she's outside on the terrace. Why don't you go and say "hello" and ask her for a dance."

He looked startled.

"She wont say "no" Nigel. She's a nice girl and she likes you."

I could see he wanted to believe me but...

"It's now or never. Soon you'll be off to America and she's off to London and that will be that. If you don't give it a go now you'll regret it for the rest of your life. No matter how successful and rich and famous you one day become you'll think your life a failure because you didn't ask Veronica for a dance. I promise you. Anyway, it's up to you," I said giving him a heaarty pat on the back and then I wandered off to get a refill.

But I had a backup plan. I approached Veronica and asked her as a favour to have a dance with Nigel. She wasn't that keen on my idea.

"Oh I don't know."

"Why not?"

"He's a bit strange?"

"No he's not."

"He has some very strange ideas though."

"Look Veronica, the poor bastard is in love with you. Not like me I mean really in love with you."

"I know," said Veronica with a grimace.

"Look, if you dance with him...just one dance right not only will he be utterly grateful to you but you'll also be doing society a great service as well!"

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't dance with him now he'll develop a complex about women and in his twisted mind he will blame women for ruining his life and will take his revenge by becoming a ax murderer killing women left right and centre!"

Veronica burst out laughing. God she had a gorgous laugh!

"You can laugh but we don't want another 'Yorkshire Ripper' on our hands now do we?"

"Oh God. Alright. I'll think about it but I'm not promising anythng."

"That's good enough for me," and I went off in search of more booze.

Later on I spotted Veronica dancing with Nigel. I smiled. She was a good sport bless her.

It was in the early hours of the morning and I decided I had drunk as much alcohol as I could manage and that it was time to make tracks. So eventually I moved myself and walked (sort of) to the telephone in the corridor by the front door to call a taxi (this was in the days before mobiles and apps and so on). I sat on the floor with the phone by my ear and looked into a spare room where we had all dumped our jackets and coats. Veronica and Nigel were sitting side by side at the end of the bed and were talking. Nigel's head was slumped on to his chest his arms resting limply on his thighs. He looked utterly dejected as if he had just received some terrible news.

"Don't be upset," I heard her say sounding like a concerned mother comforting a young child that had grazed its knee.

"But I can't help it," said the young child determined not to be comforted

This was obviously a conversation that had been going on for some time. Nigel had, I guessed, made his move and had fallen flat on his face.

"I'm sorry..."

"It's not fair."

"It's not because..." Veronica began patiently.

"I just don't understand... why you don't like me."

"That's not true," said Veronica sounding slightly defensive.

"I don't know what I have done wrong?"

Veronica smiled indulgently, "you haven't done anything wrong."

"All I want...all I wanted," began Nigel sounding broken hearted and close to tears but he couldn't go on and put his hands over his face to try and control his emotions.

"I've told you how I feel about you.Doesn't that mean anything?"

Veronica gave a weary smile. She must have heard that a hundred...a thousand times before.

"We will always be friends."

And to prove it and show that there were no hard feelings on her part she put an arm around his shoulder and leaning over and gave him a little peck on his cheek.

Poor innocent Nigel misread the situation entirely and responded by trying to give her a snog in return. Veronica very gently and professionally fended him off and in the process lost an earring. She held her earlob and jumped to her feet and looked down at the thick shag carpet. Not seeing it she got down on her hands and knees to search for it. Meanwhile Nigel remained sitting slumped at the end of the bed watching her.

Veronica looked up at him and a bit impatiently asked him,"well, aren't you going to help me?"

Nigel got up. He watched her move over the carpet on all fours searching for her earring with her fingers. He was standing right behind her and he had a good view up her very short skirt and could clearly see her knickers because I could see them too. Jesus H Christ! What a sight that was!