A Gift in Disguise Ch. 10

Emily has seen all of the videos I'm going to give to you, Tom, so she is aware of pretty much everything I was going to discuss with you and Jamie. I'll also give you copies of our notes. I'll get the video of today's interrupted meeting to Jamie as soon as I can. Please go over everything else with Jamie. She and you can call me with any questions.

I've got a big favor to ask of you, Tom. Would you mind dropping Emily off at her house? Her car is in the shop, and I picked her up and brought her to the meeting."

"Lorraine, that's not really necessary," Emily interjected very hurriedly. "I can call a cab rather than trouble Tom."

My first thought before responding was that Emily had forgotten just how revealing her clothing was. Her attire screamed "hooker!".

"It's no trouble," I offered. "I wasn't sure how long our meeting would last, so I didn't have any plans for the rest of the afternoon."

"Well, if you're sure ..." Emily responded. I sensed definite undertones of reluctance in her voice. I tried to decipher what I was hearing. Was it disappointment at the meeting's being cancelled so abruptly? Or was it that she didn't want to be alone with me?

Lorraine spoke up.

"Thank you, Tom. Now, let me throw the videos and notes in a bag for you. Wait here, please. I'll be right back with the stuff you're taking."

With that, Lorraine quickly left.

"You may regret your offer," Emily said. "I live a ways out in the county in the new subdivision on West Canyon Drive."

I had driven by the subdivision during construction once or twice, so I immediately knew that her concern for my convenience had been sincere.

"It's a nice area — away from the University and town crowds," I commented. "But what's it take? Half an hour or more for you to get to and from Marta's office?"

"Sometimes a half hour, but more often closer to forty-five minutes. Marta's really good about letting me adjust my hours to miss the traffic. Normally I'm there in about thirty-five minutes. I bought my house early, one of the first in the development, and it's already begun to appreciate. I figure that by the time town expands out that far, I'll be able to sell with a lot of equity and move into something else."

"That's smart!" I responded.

"Well, I'm 35," she answered. "I've been buying up and selling higher since I was your age. If you know any realtors, Tom, you might want to at least discuss your financial situation with them. The sooner you can come up with a downpayment and monthlies you can afford, the sooner you'll start building equity for yourself and stop paying rent to a landlord. It isn't speculative or too risky if you've got a good realtor. You've also got to be patient. Start with what you can afford. After your first successful deal, you'll find it's much easier to get mortgage loans. And if you've got the skills and the time, you can save a ton of money by doing a lot of the maintenance work yourself."

Lorraine came back into the small conference room carrying a small plastic box with the notes and another bag. She was still wearing the summer dress.

"The two video SD cards are in the box," she said lifting it for emphasis. "I'll put it and the notes in this bag. I apologize for having to rush you out the door, but I've got to remove the phallus and then change clothes before going to the hospital."

Upon hearing that she had been wearing the phallus under her dress, I automatically tracked my eyes down to where I presumed it was.

"Believe me, Emily and I are as sorry as you are, Tom. "Now, you two take off. I've got to change and go."

Both Emily and I gave an audible good-natured groan after Lorraine's "change and go" double entendre. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what they had planned for me to see or do if Lorraine had not received the emergency call.

Emily and I walked to my car. I opened the passenger door for Emily, then walked around to my door and opened it. I tossed the bag of video media and notes into the backseat and got in. Thankfully my car was reasonably clean inside.

With Emily in my car, I headed for the nearest freeway on-ramp. Since it was Saturday, the traffic was lighter than on a weekday.

Once alone with me in the car, Emily seemed no less uncomfortable. I began to worry that I might have said or done something to upset her. I hoped my stealing as many glances as possible at her peekaboo halter hadn't offended her. Other than giving me directions, she was oddly quiet during the drive to her house. Finally she directed me to pull my car into her driveway.

Given her unusual quiet during the ride, I expected her to just thank me for the ride and then quickly get out. Instead, she said, "Tom, if you have a few minutes, I'd like to talk some more with you. Would you mind coming in?"

Would I mind coming in? Mind? Odd wording, as if she was concerned she was imposing on me. Now I was sure something was bothering her.

"No, of course not. I enjoy being with you."

Now it seemed even clearer to me that something other than the topic of today's aborted meeting was on her mind.

From the outside, Emily's house appeared relatively small, a boxy two-story home reasonably sized for one or two people. It sat on a surprisingly large lot, though, which offered spatial privacy from the neighbors plus room for structural expansion.

Given Emily's usual public appearance, I envisioned the inside of her house would include shades of drab gray and second-hand, worn furniture.

Emily unlocked the front door and walked in ahead of me. I practically keeled over from surprise when I stepped inside.

Her small home was beautifully furnished, neither ornate nor gaudy but pleasantly colorful. It was immaculate while still emitting a lived-in feel. Sunlight filtered through the privacy sheers giving the interior a pleasant brightness and freshness. No one, certainly not I, seeing the stylelessness Emily sought to project publicly would ever have expected her home to be so well-designed and furnished. It was truly warm and inviting.

She took off her sandals in the entryway and placed them in front of a small handcrafted wood sign reading "Shoes Off, Please". The very light colored carpet that awaited us explained reason for the sign, so I removed my shoes as well.

She motioned for me to sit wherever I wanted in the small living room. I chose to sit on the couch. She sat in a nicely upholstered accent chair directly across from me.

"You've got a beautiful house, Emily. It's so spacious inside. How did you do that?" I asked, referring to the interior's presenting an illusion of being larger and more roomy than its exterior appearance suggested.

Emily barely gave a fleeting smile to acknowledge my compliment, and she completely ignored my question. She got right to the heart of her invitation.

"Tom, I've been looking for an opportunity to discuss something alone with you. I had hoped to do it before today, but that didn't work out. It would have been awkward for all of us if I'd done it there today. Actually, I'm almost glad today's meeting bombed out. It gives me a chance to say a couple of things I've hoped to say for several days. Still, it's awkward for me, so please..." she tailed off.

Emily took a deep breath, then spoke.

"First of all, I really do apologize for my sexual attack on you on Lorraine's porch several days ago. It was unforgivable, and I am so ashamed for not properly controlling myself."

She looked worried, as if she might be about to cry. To her credit, she had looked me squarely in the eye while she apologized, and there was absolutely no question in my mind about her sincerity — and her concern. My admiration and respect for her soared. A bit to my surprise, so did my lust.

Her apology had caught me by surprise, but at least now I had some idea about why she had been so uneasy during the drive to her home.

"I'm not upset with you at all, Emily. Frankly, you were so quiet on the drive here I figured I must have done or said something to offend you."

"Thank you for being so understanding, Tom, but my conduct with you on Lorraine's front porch was abominable. Worse because it was out in public where someone might have seen us. If someone had done something like that to me, I'd have been screaming my head off."

"Well, I admit bring very surprised when you did it, but that was because it was unexpected, not unpleasant. So please don't be so hard on yourself, Emily."

I waited for Emily to speak. When she didn't, I decided to tell her about the conversation between Marta and me. I hoped it might help convince her that I really could understand why she had done what she did.

"Look Emily, after Marta went over her computer analysis of my thesis, she and I talked for quite a while.

She told me you were very upset with yourself about the front porch thing. But then she gave me a lengthy and detailed explanation of the shifuku that you and she both practice. I think she immediately saw the shifuku connection. I have to admit being fascinated by it, the shifuku I mean.

After hearing her explanation of the depth of your commitment to it, particularly the mental focus and control required to achieve such an intense level of sexual gratification by both women, what you did with me on the front porch now seems not only logical but almost inevitable.

Did Marta tell you her theory about why my reaction to you was what it was?"

The tension lines that had to that point been so visible in Emily's face began to dissolve after I spoke. Now her voice seemed a bit more relaxed. She was obviously relieved she had made the right decision to talk with me about it.

"Yes, and I'm glad she did.

Marta had never told me about 'the gifted ones,' the saino, before. After she explained it to me, I agreed with her analysis that the saino were definitely young men who were remarkably in touch with all facets of their own sexuality. They tended to be introspective, sensitive and remarkably empathetic to women, exceptionally adaptable and capable sexually, and remarkably discreet. They were clearly sexually wise and mature beyond their chronological years. The saino were invariably much younger than their women sexual partners, so they must have seemed like a dream come true for many of the women whose husbands or supposed lovers were disrespectful, loud, and even abusive.

Marta told me the saino's traits were often seen by other, less insightful men as weakness and a lack of assertiveness and manliness. A young man exhibiting the traits of a saino was ostracized by other men who in many instances were dumbfounded by a saino's sexual successes with women. The typical man's lack of understanding begat jealousy and envy.

It strikes me that the saino men had somehow uncovered and taken control of their sexual inner beings in much the same manner as shifuki women. Yet according to Marta, the saino were most likely unaware of shifuku and the women who practice it. It stands to reason, then, that if a saino found himself in a sexually arousing situation with a shifuki, he might react to her sexual signals differently from his less perceptive male counterparts. Receiving unexpected signals from a shifuki might cause a shifuki-like response in the saino. That would be a surprise to both of them, but it would also explain with reasonable clarity just how both the shifuki and the saino would deliver immediate sexual satisfaction to the other. Actually, they would have been unable to stop until both orgasmed profusely — just as you and I did.

Tom, Marta also told me that you, like a saino, have uncharacteristic sexual tolerance and adaptability.

Marta recalled that in one of your first sessions with Lorraine, the one where Lorraine showed you several pictures of trans women in women's swimsuits? Her penile polygraph showed your being slightly but definitely aroused, even when the models in the photos showed some signs of their male primary sexual characteristics. You seem to have the ability to see a side of male sexuality that is not apparent to other men. Unlike many men, you are not especially alarmed by that ability. Quite to the contrary, your acceptance of it is remarkable.

As a behavioral psychologist Lorraine certainly appears to have correctly assessed that tolerance as an affirmation of your masculinity, not an indication of uncharacteristic femininity. It also points toward your having the desirable traits and attributes of a saino. Because of Lorraine's professional interest in shifuku, Marta wants to have this same discussion with Lorraine that she had with you. She thinks it may help Lorraine understand your 'gift' better."

Emily paused briefly. Her face and her voice softened, but her eyes seemed to reveal the barely concealed message of lust in her next words.

"Tom, I want you to know that I completely agree with Marta that the saino's being able to be aroused by another man could have enhanced the saino's appeal to women. His sexual appeal would have been felt even more intensely by a shifuki."

Once again, Emily paused, possibly this time to ensure I had received her message. Then she continued.

"The saino clearly were unconcerned that an attraction to the femininity in another man would be seen by other men or by women as an indicator of any absence of the saino's own masculinity. It's also clear that just as we shifuki can comfortably engage in sexual relations with other women, the saino could almost certainly engage in sexual relations with men. Marta and I agree that a shifuki is no less a woman just as the saino is no less a man because of our wider range of sexual responses, our sexual adaptability.

To the extent that the legends of the shifuki and saino are accurate, they certainly suggest that the human brain contains both male and female components. Whereas most people fight to remain locked onto the culturally-imposed sexual traits associated with their gender assignment at birth, the shifuki and sainos seemed comfortably less constrained. They seem to be comfortable responding to their own male and female components, whatever they may be, that are chemically or genetically present in their brains.

I suspect Lorraine will find the legend of the saino reinforces her assessment of your situational impotence. If the legend is factual, even though anecdotal, the saino — and that must surely include you — have the remarkable ability to somehow make the behavioral distinction between their gender and their sexuality. Your enjoying kissing the trans woman Stephanie in college and your at least being willing to accept the possibility that you might have continued and had a sexual encounter with her is further proof of that. You were sexually attracted by Stephanie's femininity, not his penis.

That's even further supported by the fact that you and Jamie have sex. You obviously have enjoyed handling her penis and getting her off as much as she has. You treat her as a woman, because in spite of having a penis, she is a woman. You deeply sense that, even if you don't completely know how you come to understand it. Lorraine, Kim, Marta, Amanda, and I know Jamie appreciates your attention to her as the woman she is.

I can only imagine the thrill she must experience when you cause her to cum by lovingly stroking her. Obviously when she's doing the same to you, it gives her exactly the same pleasure. Maybe even more. She's not faking it. You're no less a man because of that just as she is no less a woman because of her anomaly.

You have said that you and Jamie do not engage in oral intercourse. You told Lorraine that you do not especially enjoy giving or receiving oral intercourse. Yet you spontaneously went down on Lorraine in one of your sessions with her. Lorraine said it was every bit as satisfying to her as having you fuck her to orgasm. Imagine how satisfying it would be to Jamie if you were to fellate her. And frankly, Tom, I'm absolutely sure that doing the same for you would be just as satisfying for her."

"Emily, I know you're talking about Jamie, but what I'm hearing also is that you would maybe be just as turned on if you thought I was having sex with a man," I observed with genuine seriousness. I had expected her to quickly deny it, so her response was something of a surprise.

"Tom, you can't and won't be forced to do anything sexual that you don't really want to do. What I am encouraging you to do, or at least consider doing, is to not automatically reject the possibility.

Again, recall your contact with Stephanie and Jamie. Your sexual contact with both of them has not changed your sexual orientation, and from my perspective it has absolutely not in any way reduced your sexual attraction for women or, frankly, our being sexually attracted to you. I'm confident that Lorraine, Kim, Amanda, Jamie, and Marta would tell you exactly the same thing without any hesitation or qualification."

I thought briefly about Emily's words. I also recalled that Sharon Madison had essentially told me the same thing. Sharon had even almost said in so many words that she had secretly hoped I'd had sex with her bi son Teddy when he and I had been classmates in high school.

Emily continued, "In any case, I'm so glad Marta discussed shifuku and the legend of the saino with you, Tom.

Still, I wish I hadn't jumped you by surprise the way I did. I suppose I still don't quite understand how I could have gone so out of control."

"That's the point I've been trying to make, Emily. I don't think you were out of control at all. Your mind was simply processing the sexual signals you were receiving from me.

When it comes right down to it, and as you've just explained even though you didn't come right out and say it, I very likely encouraged your actions. Even though it wasn't intentional and I didn't know I had been doing it, I had evidently been giving you the exact same signals that you would have expected from a sexually willing shifuki. With all of the signals I had been sending, you didn't react to me primarily as a man or a woman; you reacted to me as another willing sexual partner.

Marta explained how the intensity of a shifuki's sexual thoughts and attention could have obscured my gender in your mind, blinded you to it. You expected only a woman, never a man, to have that kind of effect on you. Your sexual senses perceived a genderless but very sexual set of circumstances, not the male body of Tom Connors. Strange as it seems, I kind of understand that.

I'm not upset that you may have wanted me in the same way you would want another woman rather than wanting me as a man. Maybe that should bother me, but it doesn't.

I only wish I had been a little more prepared so I could have enjoyed it. How about giving me some warning next time?"

I smiled at her, gently I hoped, in an effort to ease her concerns. It worked. Now Emily seemed genuinely relieved.

"Thank you again for being so understanding,Tom. But I don't think that my irrational behavior with you on the front porch is ever likely to occur again.

You see, another part of shifuku is the exceptionally subtle communication that becomes almost automatic, subconscious, between two shifuki once they have experienced sex together. It seems possible and maybe likely the same could easily have been true between a shifuki and a saino — or between me and you. Putting it another way, the communication channel that had not been open between us at the time of my initial attack on you is open now. It's not that it's subliminal or anything spooky. It's just that it is likely a more open and recognizable two-way communication between us now. You will probably be able to read my signals, and I yours, so that neither of us catches the other off-guard again."

After another few seconds of silence between us, Emily spoke again.