A Introduction to BDSM

An Introduction to BDSM and

Discovering Sexual Archetypes

Soaul Meme

As is common nowadays, the internet has substantial information on BDSM, a.k.a, the Domination/submission (D/s), lifestyle. And, as is also common, this information is interwoven with considerable misinformation making it spotty, incomplete and confusing.

For examples, contrary to popular belief, sexual activity is not the basis of D/s interactions but instead usually a consequence of it. And, although frequent, pain is rarely intended to just hurt but instead to pleasure ('pain pleasure'). Also, by convention anything written addressing Dominants is capitalized and that addressing submissives is not; hence, 'D/s'.

Moreover, since D/s is fundamentally egalitarian, submission is never demanded by Dominants but instead voluntarily offered ('gifted') by submissives. Thus, D/s newbies should 'Run' from 'Doms' demanding submission since they are most likely fake, i.e., a 'Dums,' squatting in the D/s lifestyle or, at best, an uninformed Dominant wannabe.

Regrettably, the internet's mishmash information and associated misinformation has led many to participate in vastly diverse D/s encounters without having sufficient understanding and well informed expectations about what can happen. This frequently leads to misadventures ('bad experiences') with associated physical, mental and/or spiritual injuries adding to the D/s misinformation and confusion about the D/s lifestyle.

The following presents an introductory overview of the D/s lifestyle necessary to facilitate informed participation in D/s encounters. It also describes a simplified process for identifying D/s sexual archetypes that may be involved in these encounters. Finally, it suggests encounter safety processes that can redirect an encounter not going the way one or both participants want.

After reading this introduction those still interested should seek more comprehensive information from numerous authoritative books found by searching 'BDSM nonfiction books' on the internet before engaging in D/s encounters.

BDSM vs. D/s Initialism

Currently, the BDSM initials are seen as a blend of three initial combinations: B/D (Bondage/Discipline), D/S (Domination/submission) and S/M (Sadism/Masochism).

Since B/D and S/M are only small and discrete D/s lifestyle subsets, 'D/s' is the preferred shorter initialism for the lifestyle. Even so, BDSM and D/s may be used interchangeably.

Importantly, the Domination and submission general terms should not be confused or used interchangeably with the more discrete 'Dom' and 'sub' labels used for a specific type of D/s encounter pairing described below.

Common Sex Lifestyles vs. D/s

The Conventional or 'Vanilla' Sex lifestyle involves sex between two persons. Married/partnered conventional sex is monogamous and love-based (thus, 'love-making'). A problem of married/partnered sex is the frequent ennui of long-term monogamous sex that frequently leads to adulterous or emotional infidelity, i.e., 'cheating.' Conventional casual or unpartnered sex is usually sexual pleasure/satisfaction based and although usually non-monogamous.

Both married and casual consensual sex are respectful and cooperative even when sex positions vary and/or the sex is 'rough.' Vaginal penetration sex is universal with oral sex (fellatio and/or cunnilingus) common. Recently, penetrative anal sex is becoming more frequent and there is increasing interests in oral/anal sex ('rimming').

The 'Alternative' or 'Swinging' lifestyles involves consensual ("ethical") non-monogamous conventional sex with someone other than their spouse or partner. These arrangements are called 'open' or 'open marriage,' threesomes and 'moresomes', swinging including swaps, sex parties and clubs and sharing spouses. Even though it is adultery, it is not infidelity or 'cheating' since both partners consent to these activities. Basically, it is consensual married sex but with others and paradoxically, it routinely enhances married sex and frequently the marriage relationship.

The Kink lifestyle involves fetishes of any kind. A fetish involves sexual arousal to an inanimate object such as clothing, shoes and the like or a specific non-genital body part such as body hair, feet, arm pits and the like.

Even though all recognized paraphilia are not taboo or illegal, the Perverted Lifestyle typically involves socially prohibited and usually illegal sex paraphilia such as pedophilia including incest, nonconsensual voyeurism, i.e., 'peeping Toms' and zoophilia, i.e., 'bestiality.'

The Domination/submissive lifestyle almost always includes conventional, alternative, kinky and/or perverted sex in its encounters, but, as noted, D/s encounters do not require or are rooted in sexual activities.

The Basis of Domination/submission

The basis of Domination/submission is in the explicit transfer of power over one's Self to another. Thus, in a negotiated D/s encounter a submissive grants power ('gifts submission') over some or all aspects of one's self to a Dominant and commits to comply with the Dominant's will and commands during their power transfer.

Domination/submission encounters offer participants needed/wanted new, curious and 'playful' experiences from which they could discover themselves, their partner and grow. Being surprised in the moment about what one does or allows is basically intimate as is erotic exploring/discovering the unknowns about one's Self and the Other.

Almost without exception, the length and specifics of this power transfer and 'limits' to activities permitted during the D/s encounter are negotiated and detailed before the encounter begins. In addition, since Dominants frequently infringes on, i.e.,'pushes', the submissive's identified limits or unanticipated events happen, a 'Safe Word' is established that if used during a D/s encounter immediately stops it. An egalitarian discussion then ensues that renegotiates limits before continuing or ending the encounter.

Since, per Analytical Psychology, power, humor and sex emerge from a person's Shadow Archetype, power is erotic and humor is frequently condescending (dominant) and/or sexual. This explains the long history of frequent non-egalitarian sex scandals involving powerful men and their subordinate victims and the recent rise of the #MeToo movement.

Curiously in D/s, relinquishing power is as erotic as accepting power. So, to paraphrase a well known adage, power transfers are erotic and absolute power transfers are absolutely erotic.

Since D/s total power is extremely erotic for both the Dominant and submissive, sexual activities (within negotiated limits) result and expected in D/s encounters. Thus, even though sexual activities attract many to the D/s lifestyle, sexual activities are NOT the foundation of BDSM but instead a consequence of the eroticism of power transfers.

Nonetheless, in some dynamics, D/s encounters sexual activity is not routinely included and, if aroused, participants usually find their own sexual release afterwards. For example, to remain faithful a partnered Dominant or submissive may negotiate no sexual activities limits in their D/s encounters.

Making Sense of the D/s Lifestyle

Essentially, any consensual power transfer between two individuals may be considered D/s. For example, a person who gets sexual pleasure from allowing others to 'use' them for their sexual pleasure are in an implicit D/s encounter. It is this D/s dynamic that frequently leads adulterous wives to participate in sexual activities that they would not allow their husbands.

Although they have Domination and submission in common, D/s encounters may be generally grouped by the type of power transferred. In D/s encounters, the submissive consensually 'gifts' power over their physical, mental and/or spiritual selves to the Dominant. This results in three types of D/s encounters: Top/bottom (T/b), Dom/sub and Master/slave (M/s).

In Top/bottom (T/b) encounters a submissive 'bottom' consensually gifts dominance over their physical self to a Dominant Top making it a purely physical D/s encounter. A major T/b encounter problem is that frequently bottoms like to 'Top from the bottom' by instructing the Top on how to physically dominate them.

Next, in 'Dom/sub' encounters a submissive 'sub' consensually gifts dominance over their physical and mental selves to a dominating 'Dom.' Female Doms are frequently called Madam or Mistress and sometimes written as Domme.

Finally, in Master/slave (M/s) relationships a submissive 'slave' consensually gifts dominance over their physical, mental and spiritual selves to a Dominant 'Master.' These are usually 24/7 arrangements persisting even when the Master and slave are not together and thus, relationships.

In a way, T/b to Dom/sub to M/s maybe seen as a progression of Domination and submission since more and more power over one's Self is gifted and M/s is usually long-lasting.

Of note are 'Switches.' A Switch can be either be Dominant or submissive in a D/s encounter. A Switch may be Dominant or submissive to the same person or Dominant to some and submissive to others. For examples, many 'sub cuck couple' wives are Dominant, i.e., Domme, to their submissive husbands while being submissive to their Bull/Doms.

During D/s encounters, Dominants control (within 'Limits') what the submissives experience and discipline or, at least, the threat or fear of it, is the main tool for submissive compliance. 'Pain' of any type can be undesired, tolerated or even craved by submissives. Thus, Pain in any form may be used by Dominants for control and discipline or even as a reward if the submissive craves pain, i.e., is a 'pain slut.'

Discovering One's and the Other's D/s Archetypes

Usually unknown-to-self archetype mismatches such as when a Dominant Sadist is sadistic to non-masochist submissive are the most common causes of 'bad experiences' during D/s encounters. And, due the vast number of widely diverse archetypes (See D/S Archetype Descriptions), such mismatches are much more likely to occur than not.

Common archetypes that both Dominants and submissives may display are: Age player, Exhibitionist, Experimentalist, Non-monogamous, Vanilla and Voyeur.

Additionally, there are common reciprocal D/s archetype pairs that exist. These common reciprocal archetypes pairs include: Brat Tamer/brat, Daddy or Mommy/'little', Degrader/degradee, Predator/prey, Owner/pet, Rigger/Rope Bunny and Sadist/masochist. It should be noted that sexual activities may not be common in some reciprocal archetype pairs.

Next, an added twist to the numerous archetypes is that the percentage of an archetype expressed within a person varies greatly on a scale of 0-100%. For example, a D/s participant may be 75% of an archetype on the 0-100% scale.

Finally, to add complexity D/s participants can innately express both reciprocal archetype pairs to varying percentages. For example, a D/s participant could be 83% Sadist and 21% masochist or 94% Dominant and 29% submissive. This allows Dominants to experience activities that are normally reserved for submissives such as when a Dominant orders a submissive to spank them.

These widely diverse archetypes with variable percent archetypes and reciprocal pairs present make every D/s participant unique. Misadventures arise when participants are unaware or insufficiently aware of their own and/or the others archetypes present in an encounter.

Before the internet, egalitarian detailed discussions were required to identify archetypes and negotiate the activities that were allowed, undesirable ('soft limits') and prohibited ('hard limits') during D/s encounters. Obviously, one of the two participants had be experienced or, at a minimum, knowledgeable on archetypes and their activities to manage the negotiations.

For experienced aware-of-their-archetypes participants, negotiating encounters was simply communicating the degree of their known archetypes and the establishing of soft and hard limits and a Safe Word.

For novices, there were negotiated 'trial contracts' that led to archetype discovery encounters. Debriefings of encounters revealed what archetypes were found and whether their activities are allowed or not. Then soft and hard limits were modified accordingly. At the end of the trial contract, a renewal or longer term contract could be negotiated or the training relationship ended.

For both experienced and novice participants, even though D/s encounters were well discussed and negotiated, misadventures still happened frequently and thus the need for Safe Words.

Even though it frequently leads to misadventures, the internet is also the easiest way to preliminarily discover one's own specific D/s archetypes. This is accomplished by taking a free BDSM test available online. (Search 'BDSM test' to find one). These tests present a wide variety of specific archetype related statements and the response is agreement or disagreement on the following spectrum: absolutely agree, agree, somewhat agree, neutral, somewhat disagree, disagree and absolutely disagree.

The tabulation of BDSM test responses results in a list of specific archetype predilections ranked from 100% and 0% by archetypes.

Yet, since it is important to be careful with what one wishes for, test result archetypes may not necessarily translate to desired real-life archetype experiences. And only in real life D/s encounters does one really discover one's Self.

Using Archetypes to Determine Encounter Compatibility

The internet has facilitated exchanges between prospective D/s encounter participants. Unfortunately, these internet exchanges are mostly non-egalitarian 'chats' between already self-identified 'Doms' and 'subs' interacting in their roles. Curiously, most cannot explain why they consider themselves a 'Dom' or 'sub' and don't have any substantive experiences or know their archetypes. Nevertheless, D/s negotiations for an encounter are possible by following a structured process.

First, potential D/s encounter participants should get to know each other on an egalitarian personal level. This includes divulging information important to one or the other such as location, age, gender and 'pronouns', race/ethnicity, sexual orientation(s), marital/partnered status, general likes and dislikes among other things.

These discussions should include what attracted them to BDSM, why they are or believe they are a Dominant and/or submissive, what their expectations are and what are their known or perceived general 'Hard', 'Soft' and Pain Limits. If they still see each other as possible D/s participants after these exchanges of personal information then they can proceed to the next step.

Next is a discussion of circumstances that would automatically preclude ("Hard Limits") D/s encounters. These include Dominants and/or submissive participant criteria regarding age, experience, attachment status, sexual activities, location, specific Hard, Soft or Pain Limits, time and discretion requirements and the like. On the internet, location distance is the most common reason for not participating in a D/s encounter. Also, participants frequently have age, gender, sexual activity and experience limits. If there are no preclusions then the next step is taken.

Now, this step starts with the exchange BDSM test results showing archetypes. Once BDSM test results are exchanged, they can discuss where their archetypes mesh and where they don't and what they like about the other's and their own results the most. The especially need to come to an understanding about where they mesh and would both like. For example, a Sadist or masochist may be disappointed that the other is not a masochist or Sadist. Thus, S/m activities during encounters may be completely excluded ('Hard Limit') or definitively not desired (Soft Limit') by one or the other.

At this point, each should ask if they "don't want, tolerate OR crave pain during sex." An answer of "don't want" pain may lead to a Daddy/Mommy paradigm with a 'little' or lead to a discussion of non-painful activities both can agree too. Obviously, this would almost be exclusionary for an extreme Sadist or masochist.

Activities during D/s encounters can be described in general, specifically or in detail. Nevertheless it is understood that the encounter 'script' is fluid and subject to improvisation. On the other extreme, in consensual nonconsensual D/s encounters, the Dominant is free to do whatever they want.

Once the D/s activities and soft and hard limits are described a Safe Word is define and I would invoke what I called Soaul's Status Response System. It meant that when a Dominant asked 'STATUS,' the submissive is required to respond with one of seven answers with defined meaning:

Green One or G1: Great/Continue

Green Two or G2: Good and/or Like

Green Three or G3: OK

Yellow: Neutral/'Tolerate'

Red Three or R3: OK

Red Two or R2: Not Good and/or Do not Like

Red One or R1: Don't Continue/Want it Stopped

Of note R3 only stops the activity happening at the time of the response and not the D/s encounter like the Safe word does.

After all this is completed, place, time, length and number of encounters is determined. Nevertheless, it should be explicitly understood that the initial encounters are 'trial encounters' subject to Safe Word' stoppages for egalitarian discussions.

Conclusion

The complexities and nuances of Domination/submission make misadventures during D/s encounters likely unless some due diligence occurs beforehand. Taking the time to do this work will make these encounters more likely to meet expectations


D/S Archetype Descriptions

*Sex activities not necessarily involved

Age players*: Participants play act predetermined ages as part of their encounter such as Old with young and an Adult with a minor including age extremes.

Brat Tamer/brat: Brat tamers enjoy encounters with spirited, difficult-to-control and disobedient submissives, i.e., brats.

Daddy or Mommy/'little'*: Differs from age players in that the participants play their actual ages. Daddies/Mommies dominate their 'little' submissives using firm caring to control all agreed to aspects of the submissives lives.

Degrader/degradee: Degraders debase and humiliate their degradees through actions and/or by ordering their degradee to do demeaning and/or humiliating things.

Dom/sub: A corresponding D/s encounter pair where a submissive or 'sub' consensually gifts physical and mental dominance to a Dominant or 'Dom.'

Exhibitionist: Arousal by consensual showing to others their partially or totally nude body or their sexual activity

Experimentalist: An open minded person with an avid curiosity that is willing (and wanting) to try anything D/s at least once.

Master/slave: A corresponding D/s relationship pair where a 'slave' submissive consensually gifts physical, mental and spiritual dominance to a Dominant 'Master.'

Non-monogamous: A person whose sexuality involves others and not limited to only one partner. Ethical non-monogamony involves informing one's partner of adulterous or emotional involvement with others.

Owner/pet*: Owner Dominants accept physical responsibility over submissive 'pets' and may treat them as 'pets' with cages, etc.; it is not bestiality

Predator/prey: Predators and prey focus on their natural 'animal' instincts and enjoy letting them out during their D/s encounters.