A Kiss is Just a Kiss

It was a simple, straightforward question, and it deserved a simple, straightforward answer, John Montero thought to himself.

"How long have you been fucking Aaron?" he practically whispered to his wife of 22 years, Traci, as she entered the darkened kitchen before he surprised her by flipping on the lights.

Traci spluttered a non-reply as halfway through she realized that John apparently knew a lot more than she realized. Getting caught in another lie wouldn't be smart, she knew.

"About five years," she whispered, eyes on the table.

"Does the whole department know?"

"Yeah," she whispered again.

"Ah shit! You've been fucking this guy for five years and everybody knows except your dumbass husband. I guess it serves me right for trusting you so completely. Are there any others I should know about, whore?"

Traci's face expressed shock. John had never said an unkind word to her before, even when they were arguing. She could see the rage in his eyes, and was thankful that John was not a violent man.

Traci's brain was swirling in all directions. When and how did John find out about Aaron? Could he possibly have been to the awards dinner? That certainly didn't make any sense to Traci, because John had never been to any of the university's awards dinner before, but the timing of this confrontation was too coincidental. Still, nothing untoward had happened at the awards dinner to give away the affair, she thought.

******

John was late for the awards dinner. Traci had told him not to bother going as it was just a dinner to honor various employees in the university's academic departments.

Traci was the admin for the English department. The department had five professors, a dean, an assistant dean, an admin and a secretary. She had worked at the school for 15 years, and this year was getting her 15-year pin. Her husband normally worked about an hour later on Fridays, so she knew he probably wouldn't even consider attending the event. Hell, he hadn't made any of the other honors dinners the previous 14 years, so she didn't figure he would consider this dinner even though she was getting a pin. Truthfully, she didn't want him to attend, but told him about the dinner so she couldn't be accused of not keeping him in the loop.

John didn't commit to attending the event, but he knew that he was going to attend the event to honor his wife. He thought she would get a big charge out of the surprise. That's what you do for the love of your life, he thought to himself.

Traffic slowed him down a bit and he got to the dinner about 10 minutes late. Almost everyone was through the buffet line and was seated at tables, mostly by department. John looked for where Traci was seated, and found her at a table of 15 occupied by the English department, and it appeared, by several spouses. John noticed that Traci was sitting between Assistant Dean Jason Peterson and Professor Aaron McClary. He noticed there were no open seats at that table, so after going through the buffet line, he sat down at a table near the back of the hall, figuring he would find his wife and congratulate her after she got her pin.

As John expected, the program was boring, but they finally got around to the English department. When they called his wife's name, she rose and went to get her pin from her dean, Dr. Stephen Engleberth. As she made her way to the podium, John couldn't help but feel proud that she looked 10 years younger than her 46 years. She weighed maybe five pounds more than when they first got married, despite having two kids, and her shoulder-length dark brown hair accented her light, almost alabaster skin.

After she accepted her pin and was making her way back to the table, John got up from his seat and started forward to intercept her and surprise her with his congratulations. She beat him back to her table, and as she got there John noticed that Aaron had stood up, apparently to offer his own congratulations as well. He seemed like a nice enough guy the few times John had met him through the years, and John didn't think anything of it until Traci stepped into Aaron's personal space, put her hands gently on his forearms and then gave him a soft peck on the lips. John stopped in his tracks and just gawked. Nobody at the table seemed to take notice, maybe because at first glance it didn't seem to be very demonstrative, but it spoke volumes to John. The simple act was so very intimate and familiar, the way a husband and wife would have done it, or apparently, a woman and her longtime lover.

John suddenly felt sick to his stomach and shaky. He turned around immediately and left the hall, found a bathroom and hurled out his guts. He cleaned himself up and drove home, thinking about everything and nothing on the 20-minute drive.

It was a little past nine when John got home, so he knew he had about two hours to make some plans. Traci would be home at just about 11, as she always was from these events, and it hit him that her being punctual was probably one of the reasons he trusted her so completely—and one of the things she used to hide her affair. Don't do anything out of the ordinary and the clueless husband won't get suspicious, John thought to himself.

Thinking about things from that standpoint gave John some other insights. He realized that every time Traci came home from a late night out she would call out a quick greeting and head upstairs for a quick shower to "wash the day off her," as she called it. She would then come downstairs freshly showered, with a little spritz of new perfume on her. He never put two and two together to get that she was probably hiding the smell of sex on her body. Of course, he and Traci never had sex on those nights either, as she always claimed to be too tired. Hmmm. At least she wasn't giving him sloppy seconds.

At about 10:55 John pulled a bottle of red wine out of the fridge and poured two glasses on the kitchen table. He went into the den and turned on the lights and TV, before returning to the darkened kitchen to take a seat. Ten minutes later, Traci pulled her car into the garage and entered into the kitchen. She was about to call out to her husband when the kitchen lights suddenly went on. John wasn't in the den; he was in the kitchen.

"Ummmhhh," Traci stammered.

John looked like he'd eaten a lemon. He pointed to the other glass of wine, and took a sip of his.

******

"Why?" John croaked. "I loved you with all my heart, and I thought you loved me. We raised two great kids. What happened to 'til death do us part?'"

"I'm sorry, John. It just happened. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true. He was here for two years and we got to be friends. Then it got to be more.

"And along the way, the dean and then the others found out. The dean just asked us to be respectful of the university... and after a while it became... normal. I became his work wife in every sense. And then we just carved out some extra time whenever we could.

"You just trusted me completely and it made it easier for us."

"Well, how absolutely foolish of me to trust the woman I love. I apologize for that," John snarked. "And my occasional trips must have really made things good for you, too."

Traci blushed and dropped her eyes. John got his answer.

"I am in love with two men. You might not think it's possible, but it is. I love both of you, and I tried my best to never hurt you. You didn't lack for any love, emotionally or physically. I was always there for you," Traci cried plaintively as her eyes started to fill with tears.

"At least until recently," John responded. "When did he pull ahead of me? In the last few months you've started to pull away from me emotionally, and you haven't initiated sex in forever. You'll engage if I want to, but you don't initiate, and when we are making love, I don't feel the intensity any more. Are you thinking of him?"

"Aaron's been going through a rough patch recently with his wife, and maybe I got a little caught up in his problems..."

"So Mr. Second Husband is married, too. And he's been going through a rough patch with his first wife? A rough patch? I'm guessing she doesn't know about the affair?"

"As far as we knew, neither one of you knew about the affair. We were so careful. We didn't want to hurt either of you."

"NO!" John yelled. "You were so careful because you didn't want to get caught. You at least knew what would happen if you got caught."

"How did you catch us?" Traci asked in a small voice.

"Trying to change things up for the future?" John asked facetiously. "Ah, what the hell, as if it mattered any more. I didn't catch you. You gave yourselves up."

Traci's eyes about bugged out of her head. "What?"

"I showed up about 10 minutes late to the awards banquet. Had to sit in the back. I saw the kiss."

"The kiss? That little kiss. That was nothing. How could you tell from that kiss?" she asked.

"Because it wasn't demonstrative. It was just an intimate little kiss and touch, exactly like we've shared thousands of times in the past, but not recently," John said. "I might have been the only one in the room who saw it."

Traci blushed and stammered. She decided against answering back.

"Why did you come to the awards dinner?" she finally asked.

"Because I saw that we had been drifting apart, and I was trying to be there for you as a way to maybe get us back together. Talk about the wrong thing..."

"I'm sorry, John. I never meant to hurt you. How can we come to some sort of agreement so we can move forward with our lives?" Traci asked.

"Move forward? Seriously," John asked with the tone of someone in complete shock. I... I will be calling an attorney first thing Monday morning."

"What if I'm not sure I want a divorce?"

"What if YOU'RE not sure you want a divorce? That's your problem. Because I'm sure I want a divorce," John said. "You don't get to love two men when you made vows with me. And I'm certainly not going to be husband No. 2."

"Maybe we just need to slow down a bit, John. I still love you. But I also love someone else. I don't see why we have to rush into a divorce," Traci said, trying to give John her most sincere look. "I don't see why you're making me the bad guy in this."

"Well, I'm certainly not the bad guy in this. I'm not the one who's been having an affair for five fucking years."

John got up and poured his nearly-full wine glass down the kitchen sink. He trudged up the stairs to the bedroom.

Traci went into the family room and made a phone call.

"He knows," she said quietly into her iPhone. "He's talking divorce."

She listened intently to the other end of the conversation.

"No. I don't have any idea. I wasn't planning on this at this point," she said in response to a question.

"Yeah, love you, too."

Traci hung up the phone and sat in the family room drinking her wine while not really watching what was playing on the big screen. She went into the kitchen for a second glass and repeated the process. She truly loved Aaron, and while she didn't necessarily love John the way she had in the beginning, she believed she still had strong feelings for him. She thought back to what John had said about her pulling away recently, and put her hands up along each side of her head. Thinking back, she could see that John was probably right, she had been more in sync with Aaron in recent weeks. She and Aaron had talked marriage several times in the last year, and Aaron and his wife of 17 years had been having difficulties in the last few months, although Aaron said he didn't think she had any inkling of the affair.

John wasn't in the master bedroom when Traci went upstairs. She saw the door to their oldest daughter's room was shut, and figured John was making a statement. Their oldest was a junior at Michigan State, their youngest was a freshman at Ball State and Traci thought that the kids being at college was probably a good thing for the moment.

John was mowing in the morning spring sunshine when Traci finally awakened. She walked out onto the back deck of their home and watched him for a while, gesturing for him to come inside when he looked up at her. He vigorously shook his head and continued to mow. After a couple of minutes of standing on the deck, hands on hips, Traci got into her car and drove off. John assumed she was headed to the grocery store as she usually did on Saturday, but he couldn't be sure and really didn't care. He had a lot on his mind.

As soon as Traci was out of sight, John went into the house to call his children and explain the situation to them. They both expressed shock at his announcement, but John explained that he had witnessed a kiss and Traci had admitted her infidelity.

"You saw them kiss, and then Mom just admitted she was sleeping with this guy?" questioned the oldest, Katie.

"It wasn't so much the kiss, it was the way they kissed, just as if they had been doing it for years. It had that kind of familiar intimacy that a husband and wife have. She broke my heart."

"I'm sorry, Dad. I really am," Katie said.

Traci and John usually went out for dinner on Saturday night, but John had cleaned up and was gone by the time Traci got back from the grocery story in the early afternoon. She wasn't totally surprised when he didn't come back by dinnertime, but she knew it was out of character for him to be rude and not call. He finally walked in the house about 10:30, grunted in Traci's direction and went upstairs, again going to his oldest child's room to sleep.

John awoke to the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. He staggered downstairs hungover, with bloodshot eyes and poured himself a cup of coffee. Seated at her end of the kitchen table, Traci didn't say anything until John plopped down at the table.

"How about we act like a couple of adults now?" Traci asked somewhat smugly.

"That hasn't worked so well for me in the last few weeks, now has it?" John responded just as smugly.

"Okay, John. We've been over this. I'm sorry it happened, but I still love you. I love both of you. Let's figure out how we can make this work for both of us."

"We can't make it work for both of us," John responded, "because it doesn't work for me at all.

"You made vows in front of God and everybody that we would be faithful to each other forever. You broke those vows... those sacred vows. Not to mention you broke my fucking heart!

"You and your paramour need to figure something out. I'm out of here!"

"You can throw 22 years of marriage away just like that?" Traci screamed. "I made a mistake. A mistake!"

"No, once would have been a mistake," John said. "This has been going on for years. You were living this. You wanted this. You've made your choice. The choice wasn't me. Now you can go to him and be his, full-time."

"But I don't want that, John," she said. "I love you both. I truly do. Give me some time to figure this out, for all of us..."

"All!" John shouted. "There is no all... and certainly no US in this equation!"

John turned and walked away, heading into the main bathroom shower. When he got out and returned to the kitchen, Traci was gone. She left a note taped to the bathroom door asking him not to do anything rash until they could talk again.

"Probably fucking that dickhead!" John thought to himself.

Traci had indeed gone to see Aaron, but the pair wasn't engaged in any sexual activity.

"I guess this means that our plans just moved up," Aaron said.

"I wasn't really ready for that at this point, Aaron," Traci admitted. "I know we've discussed this, and I truly want this, but I still love him, too, and I wasn't ready to let go at this point. We have history, kids. I've loved him for almost 25 years, and you just don't turn that off."

John was admitting that very same thing to himself at his home. Although not overly emotional under normal circumstances, he couldn't stop the tears as they fell quickly. He threw a shot of Don Julio tequila down his throat, taking solace in the heat building in his stomach.

He was sitting at the kitchen table, making a list of things he had to do personally in the next few days. He mirthlessly chuckled to himself that the children being out of the house made his plans easier.

"Fuck!" he muttered.

Monday morning John asked his boss for some personal time. His boss, Stan, had known John for more than 15 years, and the only time John had ever asked for personal time was when his parents died. He knew something was very wrong in John's life. Of course, the fact that John looked like he hadn't slept in days might have given Stan a second hint.

"No problem with the time off, John," Stan said. "Is there something I can help with?"

John hesitated, then broke down and told Stan the story.

"Shit, I'm real sorry, John. I've been married about as long as you have, so I don't have any good advice for you, except to ask if you've looked at all the options, including reconciliation. Have you asked yourself if you'd be better off with her or without her? I know it almost seems trite, but..."

"I've asked myself that question at least a hundred times, Stan, and I always come up with the same answer. She basically had a second husband for five years, and they had discussed her leaving me for him. I can't share her, and I can't put up with that kind of disrespect. I love her and I hate her and I would never be able to trust her again. She's a lying whore, Stan. I know I don't deserve a lying whore."

Traci fought the divorce, but was smart enough to start making alternative plans with Aaron. Six months later John was a free man for the first time in almost 25 years. He knew in his heart he still loved Traci somewhat, but couldn't share his wife. He knew that if he hadn't stumbled onto Traci's betrayal when he did, he would have had to deal with it eventually, and not necessarily from a position of strength.

The pair split their finances down the middle and agreed to sell the house. The children were, of course, despondent over the divorce, but recognized there wasn't anything they could do to change John's mind. Only Traci's parents seemed to have a problem with the divorce, repeatedly imploring John throughout the process to do more to try to save the marriage. John truly did love his in-laws, and tried to let them down gently.

"She says she loves both of us. I'm not made that way, so I've made the choice for her," John said.

While the divorce was going through the court, John agonized about telling Aaron's wife about her husband's long-term infidelity. He knew that telling Aaron's wife would reek of revenge, but he also knew that he would have wanted to have been told rather than be hung out to dry the way he was. On the day his divorce became final, John made the call to Aaron's wife and broke her heart.

The McClarys were both about five years younger than the Monteros, and their two children were 15 and 12. John felt especially bad for the effect this would have on the McClary children.

"I really am sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but I couldn't in good conscience not tell you. I would have felt like I was lying to you as well," John told Aaron's wife, Lettie.

It only took one day to get a nastygram from John's newly-stamped ex-wife.

"Wow, I bet you feel like a real big man, ruining Aaron's marriage like that!" she screamed at John over the phone.

"Why in God's name would you think I would be a party to your deception of that innocent woman, you slut?" John fired back. "If you love each other that much, own it and be straight up with that woman. She never did anything to hurt you, home wrecker!"

To John's surprise, Traci got quiet on the other end of the line. He heard a mumbled goodbye.

******

While John was confident of his abilities in bed, Traci was his only conquest in the first 47 years of his life, and he hadn't been on a date in about 25 years. He was fully aware that his sex life might never be the same. What John didn't count on, however, was the number of single women over the age of 40 with the divorce rate topping 50 percent.