A Love Filled Longing

She woke me early the next morning to let me know she was leaving. I was shaking off the cobwebs of deep sleep when I felt her goodbye kiss on my cheek and then the slightest brush of her lips against the side of my mouth.

"You could have stayed," was all she said. I felt her hand stroke my head and then she was

gone. Not surprisingly, I dopily grinned through all my morning calls and counted down the hours until I would see her later that day.

* * * * *

The remaining days until vacation passed in a blur of meetings and early dinners with Rachel and Jude. There was a noticeable charge in the air, some new chemistry that filled the space between us. We both reacted to it but we never acknowledged it. Our hugs lasted longer and I found any excuse to touch her, as she did to me. She'd initiate contact by massaging my shoulders while chatting to me in my study, which would lead to me pulling her into my lap to show her some inane detail about my work that I knew she couldn't possibly be interested in. What I was learning about Rachel was that even her softest touch wasn't as innocent as it might seem. I noticed the way she pressed her hips into mine when we hugged. Her kisses on the cheek got closer and closer to my lips. I wasn't shying away from any of it and I was more than happy to let her set the pace.

The night before my two days off, Friday, Rachel spent the night. We split a bottle of wine over our favorite Chinese takeout, enjoying each other's company. Jude was already with our parents. Much to my relief, he'd let our dad walk him right out the front door, wearing his Paw Patrol backpack. They were headed straight to Twistee Town for ice cream and then to a playground to tire him out on the way home. I'd see him in thirty six hours, which to me may as well have been an entire week. I'd rarely been away from him since he was born and only once overnight.

As the wine and relaxation took effect, I remembered how it felt to have time to myself.

"I forgot what a vacation feels like until just now," I said to Rach.

She paused with a forkful of lo mein in midair and tried unsuccessfully to suppress a wine giggle.

"Yeah, most people just call this the weekend," she said, openly laughing at me. I understood I was an easy target, but I was also a good sport as I joined her by chuckling.

We cleared away the leftovers while Rachel gave me the rundown on our schedule for the next day. In the morning, we'd sleep until a non-specified decent hour past 6:00am. For the afternoon, she'd reserved us a cabana by the pool at her building. The evening was wide open, for dinner or to see friends or veg out.

"Whatever you wanna do, think about it," she encouraged me.

"I'll think, but first I need to get some sleep," I told her. It was barely 9pm yet I could hardly hold my head up. Between my full stomach, the wine, and Rachel's good company, I was fading fast. I started toward my room and turned to her before I cleared the corner.

"Come with me?" I asked. I said it quietly, but I knew she heard. She looked up in surprise and tilted her head. When she hurried over to me, her hug felt like a consolation prize for turning me down, but then she said that she'd come check on me later. I don't know what time it happened, I just know she kept her promise. At some point in the night, I felt her soft kisses on my forehead as her hand caressed my shirtless chest. I stayed still so I wouldn't derail anything about that dreamlike interlude.

In the morning, there was no sign of her in my room, but a feeling of certainty followed me, about the night before and the day ahead, as I got myself ready. I packed an overnight bag, smiled at Rach over a quiet breakfast of coffee and granola, and was confronted by an unfamiliar lack of time pressure. I didn't know what to do with myself. I watched my sister get busy in my kitchen, prepping stuff for the brunch we'd have with our parents when they returned with Jude the next day. I occupied myself with more coffee and a month's worth of Saturday crossword puzzles on my iPad. Before I knew it, we were heading to our cars and I followed Rachel to her place.

* * * * *

I'd been expecting a regular apartment style pool with a metal gate and a row of vinyl lounge chairs around the perimeter. Rachel's building was nicer than most but even so, I was pleasantly shocked by the ambience when we walked through the outdoor access doors on the 12th floor. I heard no street noise or other typical neighborhood sounds. We could have been in the clouds for how serene it felt. I followed Rachel past several other cabanas, noting the island bungalow feel. Everything from the giant planters filled with exotic botanicals, to the neatly rolled towels on each chair gave it the air of an escape from everyday life back at ground level.

Our cabana was situated in a quiet corner opposite the full service bar & grill. A flowering shrub bursting with pink flowers hid a speaker that was piping in easy listening music. We stepped inside, taking cover from the midday sun beneath the draped canvas roof and walls.

"This is so nice, Rach," I was spreading my towel over one of the thickly padded chaise loungers, "Thank you for planning this."

When I looked up, she had shucked off her sundress to reveal a blinding white two piece. In the narrow lane between our chairs, it was impossible to move past each other without touching. I placed my hand on her hip as I brushed by.

"Hey," I said, "Good color on you."

Even better off you. Such was the nature of even my most idle thoughts. My fingers dug into her hip a little, keeping her in place.

"White is not a color." I could tell she was messing with me when one side of her mouth curved up like she was holding back a smile. She'd clearly seen the way I looked her up and down.

"Is that how you accept compliments nowadays?" I kept my grin in check.

"Oh, is that what that was? I'm used to compliments that are a bit more...specific." She looked up at me playfully. There were plenty of specific compliments that came to mind, but I released her and she slipped past me.

"I'm going to order lunch, what do you want?" I loved how she did that. She shifted gears on a dime.

"Get me a burger."

"Anything else?" Her half smile was back as she looked over her shoulder at me.

"Tell them to grill the bun," my gaze strayed lower, "And cheese on top. Medium well!" I called after her.

While she retraced our steps to the other side of the pool, I watched. A lot of heads swiveled as she strolled by, and not just men either. This wasn't new. She had the kind of magnetic pull that could hold anyone's gaze. That, and the bottoms she was wearing were the skimpiest I'd seen yet. Not quite a thong, but as close as you can get before it's considered one. I was chill about the attention she was receiving until I noticed a guy not only lick his lips but get up and follow her to the bar where she got in line to order.

I knew she could handle herself, but I disliked the dude on sight. Roid head for sure, douchey vibe, ignoring the two girls he was with. I knew the type, I'd handled plenty in the past, so I got up and headed over. As I neared Rachel, I saw he'd said hello to her and that she'd pushed her sunglasses on top of her head. She was wearing her polite mask, engaging him in conversation but not giving off the energy of being interested. When the kid behind the bar called her up, roid head followed her and put his hand on her lower back. A bit forward, if you ask me. I intervened, stepping up to her so that he had to choose quickly- remove his hand or feel my package.

"Hi, sweetheart," I said, just audibly enough so roid head would hear. I pulled Rachel into a tight hug from behind and kissed her shoulder, "Who's your friend? Are we buying him lunch too?" I pulled out my wallet and slid my platinum card onto the bar, answering in the affirmative when asked whether I wanted to open a tab.

"Get this guy whatever he wants too," I said, deliberately acting the magnanimous asshole as I gestured to him.

There was an awkward pause as the bartender looked from me to roid head, waiting for a response. Rachel slipped her arm around me and I winked at her as we stood leisurely, like we had all the time in the world.

"Nah I'm good, man. Sorry." Roid head slinked away, just like that. Rachel and the girl who'd taken her order were smirking. They both rolled their eyes, the universal reaction of women commiserating over unwanted male attention.

"Flex much?" Rachel said, facing me now. She'd leaned convincingly into the hug I'd given her and she still had her arm around me. In the past, I'd flexed a lot harder for much less but I didn't mention that.

After lunch, we took a dip to cool off and then Rachel pulled a deck of cards from her bag. I dealt us a hand of gin rummy during which we talked smack. We played several rounds, verbally tallying our wins and losses, and we were going in for another when the rain started. Luckily, the cabana covering was waterproof, so we undid the ties and let the opening flaps fall closed. It was really cozy after that. I didn't care if the rain ever stopped. I was just glad to be there with her, ignoring our phones and the outside world.

"I like having you all to myself," she said, echoing my inner thoughts.

"Me too. Seems like it used to happen all the time and now, it's way harder."

"I guess that happens to everyone."

"Maybe. It's not what I want for you and me." I set my cards down after I said that and looked at her.

"You and me, huh? What do you want for us? Us is a thing?" She was smiling.

"Of course it is. You're more my partner in raising Jude than Sonia ever was. I couldn't do this without you. I want us to be close." There it was. I should have said it a lot sooner.

"I'm not going anywhere. You and Jude are my favorite people in the world. I'm happy I get to see so much of you." She bit her lip, as if to keep from saying something more. I hoped it meant she wanted to be close to me too. It had been too long since we'd hung out just for the sake of it. I saw her almost every day of the week, but it wasn't the same. Work always needed my attention, she was adamant about keeping Jude on his schedule, and on it went to the point that we couldn't even watch a full movie without one or both of us falling asleep. Rachel set down her cards so she could come sit beside me. She rested her head against my shoulder. I plucked a couple of stray flower petals from her hair as I considered what to say next. We'd taken a lot of liberties with each other's personal space recently and it felt like the right moment to be sure she was all right with that so I asked, "Are you ok with me touching you?"

"I like it. I want us to be closer too." Closer? Warmth pooled in my chest in response to her answer and her nearness. I slinked my arm around her, reaching all the way through to hold her leg. It flexed in response to my touch.

"Thank you again for arranging this. Today, the weekend, Jude's time with mom and dad. All of it," I squeezed her for emphasis.

"You needed it," she said, "So did I." She placed her own hand over the one I rested on her leg and rubbed it with her thumb. I kept my eyes on her as she went back to her chair and picked up her cards. She laid down her hand.

"Gin," she said, discarding an eight of clubs into the pile. She stood up again. "I'm getting a daiquiri, want anything?"

I reclined all the way back in my chair. It was cushy and the rain was still falling lightly. Something about it was disarming and I stopped trying to censor myself.

"Just you," I said, "Hurry back."

I shut my eyes on her sweet smile and was out like a light before she even made it to the bar.

* * * * *

"Ian, wake up. We only have 10 more minutes in the cabana," Rachel was saying. It sounded like her voice was coming from far away but she was right above me, touching my face and dripping pool water all over me. The sun was out again and it was warm in the cabana.

"That's not what I want to hear..." I mumbled. My smile betrayed me, though. Waking up to her face so close to mine had that effect.

"Sleepy head," she teased as she stroked some water droplets from my forehead. "What did you want me to say?" I reached up and held her wrist, keeping her hand pressed against my face.

"What is it that you tell Jude? When he wakes up? Tell me that," I closed my eyes again.

"I missed you?"

"You can do better than that."

She leaned in closer and practically cooed.

"I missed you so much while you were sleeping."

"Mmm. Keep going."

"How were your dreams?"

My eyes fluttered open at that. I didn't remember any dreams but if I had, she would have been in them.

"What else?" I prodded her.

"What's the first thing you wanna do today?"

I pulled her all the way down to me then, knowing the flaps of the cabana were still closed. The contrast of her wet hair and damp skin on my hot chest was irresistible. I was delighted by how easily she settled against me, as if she'd been planning to.

"Can this be the only thing I wanna do today?" I slid my hand down the curve of her hip, heading for the small of her back. She propped her chin on me and our eyes met.

"Is that all?" She whispered.

I struggled to swallow as I contemplated that loaded question. Rachel put her head back down and nestled closer. If she felt my heart hammering in my chest, she didn't say so. She seemed completely unruffled as she lazily traced her fingers over my exposed top half, skimming my waist band and gently stroking the hair that trailed down my stomach. When my hand moved from her back to her barely covered ass, she looped her leg over mine and really leaned into me. This kind of closeness was brand new and startling, yet it felt just right. When Rachel and I look back, we both point to our last ten minutes in the cabana that day as our moment of inevitability. Regardless of what came before, we both knew where we were headed.

For the next couple of minutes, we dared one another with our touching and breathing. She pushed her hand up the skin of my inner thigh, I covered her breast with my hand and brushed my thumb over her nipple. It was teasing and comfort rolled into one and I didn't want it to end. I knew what my answer would be to Rachel's question. That's why part of me was thankful we were technically in public, since another part of me wanted to pull aside her scrap of a bikini bottom and have my way with her right there in the cabana.

Rachel was first to break away and sit up. I felt a pang of anguish at the loss of her from my arms as I watched her throw all our stuff into the giant straw bag she'd brought down that afternoon. She tossed me my shirt and my face mask and we both dressed quickly, knowing our time in the cabana was up but anticipating having an entire evening to ourselves. I grabbed the bag from her and carried it as we re-entered her building and headed for the elevator. There was a short line where we waited quietly on our socially distanced floor marker. We weren't really aware of anyone or anything apart from the screaming tension between us.

We rode down to her floor alone, and while it was just a few stops away, I let the bag slip from my hand so I could reach around Rachel's body to hug her. She must have felt my semi erection pressing against her even though she didn't react to that. She just leaned her head against me and sighed. There was something in that sigh and the languid way she held her body that communicated trust and something more poignant, surrender. In response, I pulled my mask down and kissed the top of her head a few times and held her upright.

"Rach..." I said, and a thousand emotions flooded me, preventing me from continuing.

"It's ok, Ian," she said softly.

Somehow, hearing her say that made me feel instantly ok. I smiled at the peace she brought me in the midst of any tempest. Only you, Rach, I kept thinking. Only you.

* * * * *

Back in her apartment, we said very little after we changed out of our swimsuits and regrouped in the living room. Rachel looked the most nervous I'd ever seen her. I was sitting on her sofa, the same sofa where I'd wept in her arms not quite two years ago after my marriage had fallen apart. She'd been so patient and understanding. Her place had been a safe haven for me then. I wanted to keep it that way for her, so I decided then and there to dial back the pressure.

When she got close enough, I stood and smiled at her. She looked uncertain before I hugged her, a silly bear hug that had none of the intimate undertones like so much of our touching did over the past couple of weeks.

"Today has been so fun," I said, "you know what would make it even better?"

She braced herself.

"A pizza," I said, bursting the bubble of tension, "and show me how to work this remote, I need to watch the game."

Rachel was laughing quietly when she pulled away. She was visibly more relaxed, so I was too. She heated up a ridiculously good frozen pizza while I shouted at our hometown NBA team through the tv. I can't stress enough how much of a normal, platonic evening we had. It was so nice that I let her talk me into taking another "vacation" the following month as well. Definitely with Jude this time. Our parents sent photos of him and we both admitted to missing him more than expected.

I had resigned myself to sleeping on the daybed in her office, so when we started getting tired that's the direction I headed. The tv was off and the lights were dim when we said good night and went our separate ways. I felt good about how we were ending the day, how I was mastering my own desires. I wanted her to feel safe and free around me like I knew she always had. Her free spirited independence was one of the things that made Rachel, Rachel. I'd never try to change that about her. If she was comfortable maintaining the newfound closeness between us and nothing more, who was I to be dissatisfied? I was opening the door to her office when I heard her, her voice low and unmistakable.

"Come with me?"

I turned, feeling my body cut through the fragile stillness. I read her expression which held no hint of coyness or teasing. She was looking at me plainly, so I approached her. There was nothing that could be done about my racing pulse but I did my best to project a calm I sure as hell didn't feel. I purposely kept my hands to myself.

"I'll be honest with you, Rach," I began, "I'm not a saint. If I..."

"I don't want you to be," she cut me off, "Come with me."

We were staring at each other. I had to be sure she completely understood that if I could have anything in the world I wanted, anything at all, it would be her.

I gave myself permission to touch her, cupping her chin as I searched her eyes.

"I want everything," I told her.

"So do I." She answered me immediately. Those three words sat like hot stones in my body, ready to burn me up from the inside. I'll never forget the certainty etched in her features.

I clutched her to me, disbelieving the moment even as I lived it. I heard myself ask "Are you sure?" When she said yes, I asked again. And again. She answered me firmly each time and then she put her lips on me. Her kisses on my neck slowly turned into a nibble and then to gentle sucking. I all but growled at her when her hand reached down to rub the thick bulge in my pants.

"Rach..."

She rubbed some more.

"Oh my god."

Her hand was inside my boxers.

"Rachel...mmm."

When her fingers wrapped around my cock, I was a goner. We shed all our clothing before we even made it through the door to her room. She was completely naked right in front of me. I left a few paces between us so I could behold her entire gorgeous body at last. This time I didn't have to steal any glances or pretend I wasn't looking. I raked my eyes over every part of her while vowing that my hands and my lips would be next. I wanted to map every curve of her with each of my senses.