A Love Filled Longing

"You tell me what you want," I said quietly to her, kissing her breasts and her collarbone, "I'll make it happen." I'd lowered her to the bed and my fingers were caressing the silky slickness between her thighs.

"Just do what you feel," she answered. She offered the tiniest smile and then it vanished. I couldn't think about what that meant for very long. She pulled a condom from her nightstand and rolled it onto me. Her entire body was responsive and supple under my touch. It beckoned me. Gently, I pushed her knees apart, squaring my hips with hers. She wrapped her graceful, athletic limbs around me, arms and legs tangled with mine.

I knew she was scared because I felt it too. I also knew this would change things, but I was convinced there was nothing that could go wrong between us. Not permanently, anyway. I'd never hurt her and I could forgive her any trespass. Her eyes were seeking as she looked up at me and I recognized that I could soothe her, that this was a moment she needed assurance from me.

"It's just me. I'll still be here, no matter what," I whispered. She held me more tightly.

As good as Rachel's body felt touching mine, her warm, clenching wetness felt even better as I slid inside her. She engulfed all of me, first the engorged head of my cock, then my full length as I sank all the way in. I never took my eyes off her face. In her expression, I caught flashes of euphoria as she raked her fingertips down my back and over my biceps. Both of my hands were cradling her head as I watched her, invaded her. Her bliss was my own. I had to please her.

I was still incredulous when I started to move inside her. It felt so natural and easy to give myself over to the rush of passion sweeping through me. I liked that she expressed herself demurely, with soft whimpers and small gasping sounds. I stroked through her delicate muscles, probing and pulling more cries of pleasure from her.

I settled into a rhythm as I began to pressure her clit with a deliberate rocking motion each time I thrust into her. Soon after, I noticed that Rach was holding onto me but she wouldn't let her gaze meet mine. She kept her eyes closed or cast downwards so I couldn't tell what she was thinking. It puzzled me that we had virtually no eye contact. I also became very aware that we hadn't kissed. I was mildly worried and headed towards full blown worry; the resistance in her body increased to the point she felt so rigid beneath me that I stopped moving. Nothing was mild about the concern I felt then.

"Rach..." I leaned in close, "are you ok?"

She answered me by nodding. In the fading light I could make out that she was staring at my chin.

"Don't stop," she whispered with what seemed like a lot of effort. I thought she might be about to cry.

I didn't know whether she wanted me to keep going so I could hurry up and finish or because she wanted more. It didn't seem like she was into it. I remember the doubt that crept in then. It occurred to me that this might not only be our first but our last time together. On the other hand, I was also combating the distinctive, desperate kick of excitement that comes when an orgasm is about to crest.

My sense of urgency ticked up even though I still couldn't get a read on Rach. All I wanted was for her to feel good and enjoy the experience as much as I was. Lucky for me, her warning spasms around my shaft told their own story. She hid her face in my chest and grabbed my hips so I started to move again, inside her and against her. I went on and on until suddenly, Rachel was bucking underneath me, shoving the heel of her hands into my chest like she couldn't stand to be close to me any longer.

I was dismayed, but then...what I at first perceived as a physical rejection turned out to be a searing climax that sliced through her. She yelped my name, still pushing me away. I brought my full weight down on her and trapped her arms between us as powerful waves of her contractions milked me. Her breath came out in warm puffs as she sighed into my ear, still clenching around me. That was a banner moment that burned itself in my memory. Without a single hesitation, I came too, emptying myself into the condom. I slid my arm underneath her and held her close until she went silent.

The room was pretty quiet after that. Nothing but the sounds of our breathing filled the air as I reflected on what we'd just done. I smoothed Rachel's hair back and brought my hand to the side of her face. It was dark enough then that even if she'd been staring directly at me, I wouldn't have been able to tell. What I wanted to say was "thank you" and "I love you" but I didn't want her to feel obligated to say anything back, so I just rubbed my thumb against her cheek. It felt like a safe bet to kiss her forehead too, so I did.

She rolled out from under me, onto her side, and I listened to her breathing become slower. I didn't mind that we weren't talking, I was just glad she hadn't thrown me out. I knew my sister well enough to know that she can take a while to process intense situations. Sometimes days, even. She must have been overwhelmed because she didn't breathe a word as I spooned her and kissed her shoulder and neck while she drifted off. I stayed with her until her shallow sleep twitches turned into a calm slumber.

A voice in my head nagged at me to leave, even though I would have loved nothing more than to spend the entire night with her. If there was one thing Rachel couldn't stand while processing an intense experience, it was crowding. I owed her however much space she needed. I'd give her that much. When I was sure I wouldn't disturb her, I got dressed and let myself out.

My house felt cold and empty when I arrived. The drive home had been lonely. When was the last time I'd been home at night by myself? Without Jude, without Rachel, I was adrift. I made up my mind not to wallow, so I retreated to my room and turned the tv to a Rust Valley Restorers marathon to keep me company. Several hours passed as my attention was split between the television and my phone where I looked through just about every photo from the past year. Some were of me in the gym, documenting my gains. But most were of Jude and a good bit of those had Rachel in them. Those two, I thought to myself, indulgently. In tons of the photos, they looked thick as thieves - holding hands at the park, splitting the biggest chocolate chip pancake I'd ever seen.

The photos I lingered on were from Jude's second birthday party earlier in the year. It had been a small, family affair, though my buddy Aaron had come over with his son so Jude had a playmate. In the picture I was staring at, Jude held the string of a giant fire truck balloon in one hand and his toothy smile was as big as I'd ever seen it. Rachel was crouched behind him and she'd leaned in to kiss his vanilla frosting covered face. In the next few photos, her shirt showed obvious, blue smears of the overly sweet confection but she didn't care. As long as Jude was happy, she rarely fussed about messes or tidiness.

As I continued to scroll through those photos, Rachel was all I could think about. All my misgivings rushed at me at the same time. We had a good thing going. Our relationship as siblings was already so special and permanent. I feared I may have ruined it with my selfishness. What if I'd pushed her too far? If my attraction to her went against all of my protective instincts, what right did I have to seek sex from her? I barely recognized myself when I couldn't dig up a satisfactory answer to that question. I'd never forgive myself if I had taken advantage of her love for me and Jude. Shit. What had I done?

As if conjured by my thoughts of her, my phone lit up with her name. At first I thought she was texting me like she usually does but when the phone kept buzzing, I realized she was calling. I braced myself for anything, I didn't know what. Yelling, cursing, a good tongue lashing. Even disgust. No part of me was expecting what I actually heard when I tapped the icon to accept her call.

Rachel's breathing was shaky and her voice quivered with her tears as she uttered two words.

"You left?"

There was accusation in her tone but what affected me more was that she sounded hurt. That cracked open something in me. I felt like the world's biggest jerk.

"I came home, Rach," I said to her, "I didn't think you wanted me there. How about I come back?"

"Right now?" It was equal parts command and request. She sounded pitiful as she said it.

"Yeah, right now. I'll come right now."

It was after midnight but I took the fastest shower of my life and made it back to her doorstep in record time. It's worth mentioning that I was grinning like a madman. Rach needed me. For once, she needed me. Her call had been the only possible reprieve from my dread spiral. Whatever she wanted, I'd do it, no sex required. I was going to show her however I could that she could count on me.

* * * * *

Rachel greeted me at the door wearing the oversized button up she'd put on after the pool.

Just off the entryway to her apartment was the kitchen where I saw she'd made some tea. I followed her and took a few sips from the mug she handed me while I looked her over.

She'd brushed her hair so that it hung loose and wavy around her shoulders, framing her face. The redness around her eyes from crying did nothing to detract from how beautiful she was. It made me want to protect her, even from myself.

I set down my mug and stepped toward her. When I hugged her, she smelled of roses and something sweet, like honey. I could feel that she was naked underneath her shirt and it made my heart lurch. She wasn't crying anymore, though she wasn't ready to let go of me either. I was ok with that. I held her tightly to relish the full body contact.

"I didn't want to leave you," I said against the top of her head, "I shouldn't have left."

"I thought you were disappointed," she said quietly.

"What? No. Rach, no way. I was worried about you. I didn't know what you were thinking. I know how you like your space."

I continued.

"You've never disappointed me in your life. You've always given me so much. More than I deserve. I don't know what I would do without you."

I was holding her at arm's length now. She smiled at me. A small, trusting smile that was pretty characteristic coming from her. It was the smile she always deployed to put whoever she was talking to at ease. I'd seen her use it a million times. I found myself smiling back at her.

"I was kind of a disaster earlier," she acknowledged, "I shut down. I've never felt so many emotions at one time."

"Is that right?" I replied. I didn't know which emotions she meant.

"Yeah..." she hesitated. "I'm sorry."

"No need. It's ok."

She let out a deep breath before adding, "I wanna try again."

I instantly got hard.

"With me?" I asked and I realized how stupid it sounded. We shared a laugh at that and then I pulled her close to me as I fought the urge to tell her I loved her. There was so much I wanted to tell her and the words were right there on my lips. But I didn't want to muddle her request with anything other than straight enthusiasm. Nothing too heavy. That could come later.

The one thing I did say, though, was that I was dying to kiss her. That's when she reached for the back of my neck, on her tiptoes, and pressed her full lips against mine. The feel of her pillowy mouth sent an electric shiver through me, straight to my cock. One of my hands held the back of her head while I tasted the tea and honey still on her lips. The other hand traveled down to her ass, which I squeezed and then used to pull her into my body.

I was newly desperate to be inside her. More desperate than earlier that night. I lifted her with my arms under her ass and started toward her room. The only reason I could bear to separate my lips from hers is so that I could get her there faster. Rach didn't miss a beat. She laid hot kisses all over my neck and jaw. She whispered the word "hurry" in my ear and it drove me wild.

Her warm, wet center was pressed against my stomach and I could feel it through the fabric of my shirt. By the time we reached her room, I was panting. I brought my lips back to hers, kissing her firmly and deepening our connection until my entire body was screaming. She'd taken off her shirt and mine then went to work on my sweats and boxers, the only barrier left between us.

Her nightstand lamp was on and we left it that way as we kissed each other silly on her bed. I was on top of her, cradled between her thighs, and that's really the only way I could imagine taking her in those moments. I wanted to see her.

"Ian, please," she murmured as she squeezed me with her legs. She was grabbing at me, already thrashing underneath me. I loved every second of it. My hardened shaft was pressed into her succulent folds and I could feel the moisture seeping from her.

"Please what?" I said into her ear. She'd closed her eyes so I gently kissed her face, waiting for her response.

"What, Rach?" I persisted.

She opened her eyes and told me she couldn't wait to feel me again, and that she didn't want to use a condom if I was sure I was safe. Her words landed slowly. Or maybe that's just how I processed them. Less than an hour ago I'd been doubtful she'd ever let me touch her again. And now, we were about to fulfill the deepest fantasy I never knew I had. I told her I'd always keep her safe as I gathered her hair in my fist on top of her head. I pulled just firmly enough to keep her face angled up at me and then I drove into her on a hard, excruciating thrust. I already knew how amazing it felt to be inside her, but not like this. The grip of her petal soft tissues around my naked length was so overpowering that I cried out. When I paused, she lifted her hips, somehow allowing me to fill her more deeply. We both moaned at the sensation and then Rachel looked into my eyes. It felt like something I'd been missing my whole life had been restored to me. Every aching inch of me could feel her. And she was looking at me!

Although I started unraveling from the very first thrust, there's so much I'll always remember about that first time being inside her unsheathed. What's most prominent is that I was wishing for more time. More time to savor the way her body stretched and adjusted to receive me. To drink in her moans and silence her whimpers with my mouth on hers. To pull her hair so I could nip at the parts of her throat and shoulders I exposed. To hear her say my name, like it was a prayer. She was so sweet and so precious to me. I told her so.

Rachel kept meeting me thrust for thrust. She was right there with me, every bit as soft and receptive as I'd dreamed. Her skin was flushed a deep crimson and I knew from the way she was pushing against me that she was close to the edge. This time I didn't trap her arms. Instead, I reached down and palmed her ass, lifting her hips so the angle was more intense. Her eyes widened and she took a big gulping breath before free falling into the waiting orgasm. I watched her facial muscles twitch and felt her spasm fiercely around my cock. If I hadn't been prepared for it, I would have fallen with her. Instead, it was the words I'd been holding back that tumbled freely.

I told her I loved her and that I always would. I said she felt like heaven. And I confessed I wanted her so badly that I felt insane.

I lost my composure soon and everything about my demeanor turned feverish and feral. I'd never groaned or grasped at anyone the way I did to Rachel in those moments. She came back from the grips of her orgasm and responded to me just the way I needed, in that remarkable, precise way of hers.

"That's it, Ian. Let go. Don't you stop until you let go in me," her lips were all over me. I was taking her more roughly than I'd intended but she was game. I could hardly bear the tumultuous heat and pleasure any longer and now that I had her permission, I didn't have to.

Rachel held my face and continued to urge me on. She pulled her heels into the back of my thighs and her whole body became a clamp whose purpose was to wring me out. Her directness did a number on me and I came undone. I let go with everything I had, groaning and shuddering as I came inside her. I was so far gone I didn't recognize the sounds coming from me. Rach kissed me through it, calming my tremors. She held me together and stroked my back as she whispered love words that even now make me blush. Suffice it to say, it was the most unexpected, erotic moment to hear her praise my anatomy and how I'd used it on her.

I immediately knew I was one hundred percent hooked. We admitted as much to one another, along with a plethora of other endearments and pillow talk. We spent a little while kissing and touching, letting the tension build again, until we were both gasping with lust and longing. I penetrated her then and I did so three more times that same night. Everything I loved about Rachel was magnified as she opened herself to me. She was so intuitive and loving. Completely unselfish. In my eyes, she had never been more beautiful. I kept her pinned beneath me on her stomach and her back and then finally on her side as I claimed her with strokes that ranged from deep and possessive to agonizingly slow. We slept a little, in roughly half hour increments that ended when one of us could no longer stand what little separation there was between us.

By the last time we joined together that night, I knew she was exhausted, which is why I couldn't believe the intensity she brought when she climbed on top of me and started to ride. The room lightened from darkest of night to early dawn shadows as she moved her hips over mine, sometimes bouncing, other times rocking. I leaned forward to take over, but she didn't want to give up any leverage so she pushed me back down. To be frank, my surrender was a good decision. I grabbed hold of whatever I could, her ass or her waist, and held on while she worked me. The view of her all sweaty was spectacular and I could fully appreciate her athleticism. She somehow pulled another climax from me and then folded herself onto my chest.

We took a warm shower after that and held each other as the rain-like flow poured over us. I had to make it back home before nine to welcome our parents and Jude, so we got two merciful hours of sleep before my alarm sounded. Rach saw me off with steamy kisses and an embrace that heightened the indescribable emotion still radiating between us. I'd see her when she came over for brunch in just over an hour, but our parting still felt significant. We said our "I love yous" and then I was off.

Predictably, my mind replayed our time together on a loop. I admitted a few things to myself.

One, I'd just had the best sex of my life, if you could even call it that. Our connection made it feel like something much more exquisite.

Two, Rach could ride like a maniac! She surprised me with that.

Three, I'd never be able to get enough. I could go without booze, without sugar, without caffeine. But ask me to go without having Rachel in every way possible?

Forget it.

* * * * *

Jude had only been away for two nights but he looked taller and older when he ran to me from the driveway. He was still baby-ish in a lot of ways though lately I caught more and more glimpses of the little boy he was turning into.

"I missed you, bud! Welcome home," I said as I carried him back towards my parents.

They gave a very short report on his behavior, declaring him a perfect angel, much easier than I had been at that age. Once inside, my mom commented that I looked more relaxed than usual and I told her the short break had done me a lot of good.

Rachel rang the bell a while later and her arrival set our parents abuzz. Even though Jude was the baby, Rach was still the darling girl of the family in a lot of ways. She hugged me and laid a hello kiss on my cheek like she normally did. Then she sat between our parents on the sofa and openly discussed my work and (lack of) play habits as if I weren't even in the room.