A Marriage in Trouble

"Did you do it in our home?" Mark spluttered as new thoughts raced through his head.

"No, it was always at the hotel."

"Did you ever come home with his seed inside you?"

"For god's sake, Mark. What sort of person do you think I am. We always used condoms, and I always showered."

"Did you suck his cock?"

"Yes," she admitted, as if it was nothing.

"Did you let him come in your mouth?"

"Yes."

"Your ass?" he asked, gulping down a lump that didn't want to stay down.

"Yes, it's not as if it wasn't part of yours and my sex life, you know."

"Yes, but that has been a recent thing. You used to hate it."

"True, I have come to enjoy it more. I think it was all part of the taboo thing. The dirtier the better."

"You are not making this any easier to take, Liz."

"Mark, I just wanted to try and explain. The sex with Phil was no better. He wasn't a sex god, he was just different."

"Is he married?"

"Yes, he has a wife and one child. His wife is pregnant with their second child."

"You don't feel bad for her?"

"No, what we were doing didn't take anything away from their relationship. It is what I have been trying to explain to you. You missed out on nothing. I gave you everything you wanted. I never turned you down for anything. The time I gave to Phil came from work. I never took that from you."

"I'm stuck for words, Liz. What has me in a tailspin is you don't seem to understand why I am so angry." he grumbled.

"That is not true. I understand." She sighed. "You feel let down, betrayed. I'm not an idiot, Mark. I do understand. What I am trying to tell you is you are entitled to those feelings. I hid something from you, and I did cheat. I am not trying to pretend it never happened."

"Then what are you you talking about?"

"I wish I had found a way to be honest with you. Right at the start, I toyed with the idea of telling you. Deep down I knew you wouldn't understand. Even now, looking into your eyes, I see you don't understand," she said

"Finally, you said something that makes sense," he snapped ruefully.

"Just think about how happy our life together has been. Think about our holidays, the romantic dinners, our lovemaking. Mark, our life has been tremendous, especially the last year. The affair never touched our lives in any way. It was separate. I keep saying, if you hadn't found out, tonight we would have had a wonderful romantic dinner, gone to bed and made love. We would have both gone to sleep with very satisfied smiles on our faces, congratulating ourselves on what a wonderful marriage we have."

"That's probably true, but it was all based on a damn lie. The only reason for your satisfaction was because you spent the afternoon fucking whatever the fuck his name is."

"Don't be crude, Mark. There's no need. We can discuss this without the anger and profanity."

"Oh, terribly sorry Liz. I can't understand why I feel this way. Perhaps its because my wife is a cheating slut."

She stood quickly, walking towards the stairs. "I understand you're angry, but I refuse to try and discuss anything while you behave like a spoiled brat. I'm going to bed. Dinner is in the oven. You can get it yourself."

Mark sat listening to the bedroom door slam shut. Nothing made sense. He replayed the day's events over and over in his mind. Liz's complete disregard for how he felt made him even angrier. If she had been at least a little regretful or penitent, he might have felt differently.

Right at that moment, all he could think about was revenge. He wanted to inflict some pain on her.

What annoyed him was that the bastard, whatever his name Was, going to get away scott free. It was wrong; he needed to suffer. He needed that damn name. He got up and walked into the study he and Liz shared as an office. He fired up the computer, hoping that he might be able to crack her email account.

He tried over and over, all to no avail. She was a clever woman and wasn't going to be caught out so easily. He had keys to her practice. Turning the oven off, he drove down to her office. He went through her files, opened her computer, only to find it password protected. He tried the receptionist's computer and diary. Still nothing.

He found Liz waiting for him when he walked in. "Have fun did you?"

"No not really." he snapped back.

"Mark, the office alarm starts the security cameras. You might have entered the code, but you didn't disable the cameras." She shook her head. "What were you looking for?"

"His name damn it. He has fucked my marriage, and I want the fucker to feel some pain."

She turned and walked away. "I'm not listening to that language. When you can behave rationally, we can talk again."

"Fuck you bitch!" he barked angrily at her back.

He slept on the couch that night and left for work early the next morning feeling completely shattered. He looked like shit, and felt worse. After talking to his boss, he took the rest of the week off. He went home and spent a couple of hours researching divorce laws in the state. There wasn't a damn thing he could do to hurt her. The state was no fault. Even legally, he couldn't hurt her. With every passing hour, though, he felt the angry pangs tightening their grip on his heart.

He loved her, he wasn't going to deny it. She had been an incredible wife and mother. She worked diligently. She was respected in her field of physiology, and was also highly acclaimed as a marriage therapist and counselor.

Even accepting that love, he couldn't see any other way forward. He made an appointment to see a divorce lawyer the next day.

Liz got home at her regular time. She walked in looking fresh and happy. "Hey, sweetheart. Are you feeling better today?"

"Fuck you, slut," he snarled. "I am trying to deal with a cheating bitch of a wife, not get over a headache. No, I don't feel any better. Did you have a nice afternoon fuck with dickhead?"

She dropped her case on the floor and stood hands on hips staring at him. "Mark, I'm not going to be spoken to like that. If you cannot speak to me like a sane rational adult, please refrain from saying anything."

"Fine by me. There's not a god damned thing I want to say to you, anyway."

"No?" she whispered. "What would you like for dinner?"

"Nothing, I'm going out for dinner."

"You're making this a hell of a lot harder than it has to be." She sighed ruefully.

"Good god, woman. What were you expecting?"

"I was hoping we could talk sanely, find a way to make this work. For heaven's sake. I realize you're angry. I get that, but we can still talk without the vitriolic profanity."

"Don't treat me like one of your patients, Liz. I'm not falling for your psychobabble."

He picked up his keys off the bench and left her standing there.

The house was in darkness when he returned. He wasn't sleeping on the damn couch again. It felt weird sleeping in his daughter's bed, but it was a hell of a lot better than the couch.

He heard her get up and prepare breakfast. It was one of their daily rituals, they shared breakfast talking about the days plans, and what they might do after dinner. He lay in bed waiting for her to leave.

He took his time before getting showered and ready for his appointment with the lawyer. He turned out to be a reasonable man, and they talked through the possible channels. He suggested that Mark needed to talk to Liz, because if he could get her to agree to the divorce and Mark's terms, it would save them both a lot of money.

If they couldn't mutually agree, they could use a mediator to help, but if she contested, It would end up going to trial, and that would cost a lot of money.

The lawyer helped Mark prepare the application, and he set his terms. There was no way for him to screw her, all their finances were linked. All their savings were linked. The house was in joint names. She was going to get fifty percent of everything and there wasn't a damned thing Mark could do about it.

The lawyer organized for a file server to come to their home that night at six.

Mark wandered around like a lost puppy, really. His world was dissolving in front of his eyes, and he felt terrible. At home, he started packing. It sounded crazy, but the house they brought together fifteen years earlier no longer felt like home. He didn't know whether Liz wanted to keep it. If she did, then fine, either way. he was moving out.

He packed as many of his clothes as he could into boxes and suitcases, carried them down to the garage and started thinking about how he was going to store all his tools and crap.

Liz walked in carrying bags of groceries at her usual time. Seeing him already home and dressed casually, she asked, "Have you been home all day?"

"Yeah, I took the week off. I wasn't much use at work. Couldn't focus on anything." Mark muttered.

"Why didn't you say something? You could have got the groceries for me."

"Sorry, I've been busy," he hissed.

She placed the bags on the counter top, and said, "Will chicken be all right for dinner?"

"You have what you want. I'm going out to eat." Mark bristled.

"Sweetheart. It doesn't have to be this way. If you would just talk to me," she said softly. Getting no response, she walked up to him and wriggled her way into his arms. All Mark could think about was hurting her. "Feeling horny are you? I take it your afternoon fuck was a good one?"

Dropping her arms, she walked away. She was almost at the stairs when the doorbell rang. She turned and stared back at him. "Are you going to get that?"

"No, I doubt it's for me." Mark snapped.

Liz strode purposefully to the door. Mark heard her ask "Yes, can I help you?"

"Are you Mr's Elizabeth Webster?"

"Yes."

"You've been served, Ma'am. Good day to you."

Liz walked in holding the large manila envelope. "Really, this is your solution?" Her tone was one of shock.

"It's the only one that I could think of," Mark responded brusquely.

"After twenty five years, that is the only solution you could come up with? What about counseling, talking, trying to understand how we can help you get past this."

"Me get past it... What the fuck? You're the one who cheated. You're the one who created this fucking nightmare. Maybe we should focus on why you did it, why you refuse to show any shame or guilt."

"Language, Mark. Let's keep this in perspective. What happened had no bearing on our marriage, which was wonderful, happy and very successful. I don't want a divorce. I've stopped seeing Phil... I am trying to appease your concerns."

"Oh my god. Listen to yourself. It's all about me. You're treating this as if it's my fault."

"In a way, it is," she replied. "You're the one who refuses to talk sanely. To have a proper open conversation about how we recover from your feelings of humiliation."

"What? No way. This is your mess. You say you stopped seeing, dickhead. Are you still talking to him?"

She shrugged. "We talked yesterday. That's only because I needed somebody to talk to about what's happening between you and me. As we are the only three people in the world who know, I had no alternative. I have an appointment with a therapist, that way I will have somebody neutral to discuss this with. I cannot say this firmly enough. I do not want a divorce."

Mark sighed deeply. In truth, he didn't want a divorce either. His reaction was just to inflict some hurt on her. To shock her into admitting her affair caused it. That she was to blame.

"I'll cook us a nice dinner, we can have a couple of glasses of wine and then if we can put aside the anger, maybe if we approach it calmly, we can find a way to make this unnecessary," she stated as she held up the manila envelope.

Seeing the uncertainty on Mark's face, she stepped closer and reached for his hand. "Please, sweetheart, after all the wonderful years. Surely we deserve an opportunity to discuss it rationally?"

"Yeah, fine. What are we having for dinner?"

"Steak parcels, with broccoli, roast potatoes and a little salad. I could use a hand," she said, her eyes open wide, pleading.

"Yeah, I'll chop the salad, and peel the potatoes," he replied.

As they worked side by side in the kitchen, Liz asked, "Why did you think we had to divorce?"

"Because you cheated on me. Not a one-off drunken fling one night. It was a planned prolonged affair, which included lying to me. Not little white lies that had no significance. Bald faced lies. How in god's name would I ever be able to trust you again? If you could do it once, and show no remorse, what's to stop you doing it again?"

"It's not that I don't feel remorse," Liz mumbled, because I do. I feel terrible for the way this has hurt you. Knowing that, I wish I had approached it differently: been brave enough to ask whether it was something you would, or could accept."

"I would never accept that. Not then, not now. Not ever. If you think this is just something insignificant, why haven't you told anybody?" Mark replied angrily.

"Because people are very judgmental, and if others knew, that would then inflict an element of humiliation for you."

"Why can't you see that I already feel humiliated? You went to another man for sex because I wasn't filling your needs," Mark threw back at her, irritated.

"That's not the reason I entered the affair," she replied. "I was always happy with our sex life. We understand each others bodies so well. The affair gave me something else. Something you can't get from a partner. The feeling of being wanted by another person. Like everybody, I'm vain, I have an ego. Part of my depression after the girls left for school was that I felt old and no longer needed. They were gone, you were busier than ever. I felt insignificant."

Mark finished chopping up the salad and listened to her as she continued to retell her sad tale.

"There I was feeling despondent, washed up, old and insignificant. Then along comes a much younger man, and he wants me. The hunger was in his eyes from the moment we met. He covered me with flattering compliments. We teased each other as we realized the attraction was mutual. We flirted, something I have never been comfortable with. Phil made it fun. The flirting led to some not quite so innocent kissing, light fondling, and eventually sex."

She picked up a celery stick and nibbled on it. "The sex wasn't extraordinary, or better than what you and I shared. It was just very different. He was youthful, exuberant, hungry, urgent. It brought with it this exciting moments. I never lied to you, never once. I may have omitted some things when you asked me what I did on a particular day, but believe me. I never once lied to you. If you had asked me I if had sex with another man, I would have answered honestly."

"Did you ever sleep with him?"

"No, it was always just a couple of hours during the day, about once or twice a month."

"You never wanted to sleep with him?"

She shrugged. "I did, actually. I wondered what that would feel like. But the one covenant I placed on the affair was it must never interfere with what you and I had, so it never happened."

"What about when I traveled. You would have had plenty of opportunity's?"

"Possibly, but it always came down to schedules. He is married, as well, and he would have had to find an excuse to be away for a night. His boundaries were similar to mine. He didn't want what we had to impact his life with his wife."

"I take it she wouldn't accept his affair either?" he snapped.

"No," Liz replied. "I don't think so. From what Phil said, she is very nice, but I don't know."

They sat down to eat, and Liz reached her glass of wine across the table to clink glasses as they always had. "To the future," she toasted.

Mark left her toast unreciprocated. "You say you don't want divorce. Tell me how I am supposed to get past this, to trust you in the future?"

"I never lied to you," she said. "I never let the affair interfere with you and me. I have never denigrated you, or disrespected you. It was purely a sexual connection between two people who shared an attraction."

"What happens the next time you meet somebody you share that attraction with? What if dickhead comes back in a month and wants to kick start the affair."

Liz grimaced. "Please stop call him names. It's childish and makes you look like an insecure jerk. You're much bigger than that."

He nodded. "Point taken. What about answering the question?"

"If I met somebody in the future, then I would say no. I would talk to you about it, although I can already see how rigid you are about this." She frowned. "I will add. It strikes me as funny. You were always the more open minded of us. When we talked about these things with friends, you always said you couldn't believe people got divorced so easily."

"I did feel that way." Mark sighed. "I guess I'm either a hypocrite, or it's a case of walk a mile in my shoes. The pain of betrayal runs deep here, Liz."

"I never betrayed you. I omitted certain facts about what I did on those days, but I never lied to you. Never sneaked away to be with him. Never stole time from you to give to him.

It was always the other way around. I refused to meet him on many occasions because we were doing things. I never used money from our account. Granted, I did buy some lingerie, but you enjoyed that as well. It was as much for you as for him," she stated firmly.

Mark was stunned. "I don't get it, Liz. You are an intelligent woman, insightful and clever. Why can you not see that I feel betrayed?"

"Because I fail to see that there was betrayal. I never revealed any secrets to him. I never stole time from you to give to him. I never refused you anything. Where is the betrayal?"

"Our damned marriage vows. Do you remember them?" Mark hissed.

She smiled widely as she answered wistfully. "Yes, I remember them perfectly. I made a vow to honor you, to place you above all others, to care for you in sickness and health. To love you forever. I do those things every day. I have never dishonored you. I love you more every day. I give you everything. Everything I earn goes into our joint account."

"You don't think that having an affair dishonors me?"

"No, my plan was for you to never find out. It sounds simple, and unfair. My logic was what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. This is what I have been trying to impress on you, Mark. Our marriage has been stronger than ever. The sex has been so incredible. Some of the things we've done together over the last two years, I know how blown away you were by them. You certainly bragged to all your friends about it."

"I'm not denying it. But they're based on a lie."

"Rubbish. What lie?" she replied.

"The lie that I thought it was me who was making you feel so alive and vibrant. That it was just you and me. Does that lie sound familiar?" Mark huffed.

"What we shared was no lie," Liz replied. "Everything that happened between us was because of you and I together. What we did in our bed was between you and me. Nobody else. It had nothing to do with Phil."

"That's down right baloney. Anal sex, is something we did maybe five times in over twenty years. Now you have this new love affair with it. That didn't come from me."

"No, that's true. Phil loves it and seduced me into trying a few different things. Whilst experimenting, I found that I enjoyed it as well. I brought that into our relationship. Damn it, Mark. It's no different than you talking to your golfing buddies about oral sex. I know Malcolm gave all you boys some pointers. All the wives talked about it. We appreciated your new found desires and techniques. You brought them into our relationship," Liz said with a loud sigh.

"That's a little different. All we did was talk."

"Same damn principle," she muttered.

Liz couldn't understand why her husband couldn't see it from her perspective. Their marriage was wonderful. She was being truthful when she said she loved him more than ever. She had only just paid for a twenty-one-day cruise around the Caribbean.