A Midnight Clear

"Will you have dessert, Lily?"

"I couldn't," Lily groaned. I'm so full. I told you they serve the biggest portions in town. I never get through even a quarter of mine, and I have meals for days after."

"So will I, clearly," said Andrew, looking down at his plate.

"We're going to get an earful from our waitress."

"How d'you mean?"

"You'll see. Just wait." Lily settled back into her chair with her glass, feeling relaxed and happy. "Thank you for this. I'm having such a good time."

"Good, I'm glad," Andrew smiled back. "I think after all that food, I need a walk. Would you like to join me? I know a nice place we could go."

"Oh, yes, I need a walk too. I feel like I'm ready to fall asleep."

"It will be cold." Andrew cocked an eyebrow at her. "You should probably put that delightful Christmas sweater on again. I noticed it right away when I came in for my latte. Couldn't miss it, really."

"Oh God," Lily rested her elbows on the table and hid her face in her hands in mock horror. "I can't BELIEVE I wore that stupid sweater on the day you showed up to take me out to lunch."

Andrew laughed. "Oh, it's not so bad, really. Come on, now."

And he hooked a finger under one of hers, and drew her hands back down to the table. Then, deliberately, he placed his larger warm hand over them. "I like that sweater. I think it's adorable. The colour, it's perfect."

Lily held his gaze for as long as she could, then let her gaze flick down to their hands. "Thank you," she said. She was desperately excited, but couldn't resist the urge to curl into herself. He was so open, so confident. It made her feel completely exposed.

"Hello. You are finish?" A heavily accented voice broke through their reverie, jolting Lily back to the room.

"Yes, thank you, it was delicious," Lily said.

The matronly server did not reach for the plate, but tilted her head and looked at Lily and Andrew sorrowfully. "You no finish. You no like?"

"No!" Lily said, quickly. "It was wonderful!" And she threw a ghost of a wink to Andrew.

"We're just full," he added, quickly. "But it was superb. Could you please pack up the rest for us to take home?"

The server shook her head, looking at them and cataloguing their inadequacies. Finally, she reached for their plates. "You should finish your food. Is good for you."

"We will," Andrew assured her. "Later."

After she had bustled their plates to the kitchen, they both burst out laughing.

"You see? Every time!" Lily whispered. "I think she thinks she's my mom or something! I can never finish it, and I get the same reproach every single time."

"How wonderful," Andrew laughed, wiping his eyes. "We can all use a bit of mothering now and again, I suppose." Lily felt a pang at this, and looked away.

Andrew didn't notice.

"Now go to the restroom and put that adorable sweater on. I'll take care of this, then we'll have our walk."

When Lily came out of the restaurant, he was waiting for her. "D'you mind a long walk? It's not too windy, and you can show me your other favourite places downtown."

And they did. They meandered up and down city streets, looking at the brightly decorated shop windows and chatting about this and that.

"If you want to go into any shops, we can," Andrew had said, but Lily was content to continue to walk, to learn about this man that she was as comfortable with as if she had known him for years. When he put his hand on her back as they hurried across a busy road, she felt safe and protected. When, later, he reached down to hold her mittened hand, she was overwhelmed with joy.

"How are you doing?" he asked after a few hours, as the sun started to dip beneath the horizon. "Are you tired? Or would you like to walk a little further? It's almost the perfect time for what I was thinking."

"I'm getting a little tired," she admitted. "But let's keep walking. I want to see what you had in mind."

"Good." He turned her to him, and wrapped her scarf a little more tightly around her neck. "There. Snug enough? Let's go then. This way."

As they wound their way to the outskirts of downtown, Lily suddenly realized where they were going. Fairlea Park. She took a deep breath as they continued on, the sunlight sinking into a purple dusk. It started to snow.

The park was full of families and children, and they wove their way along the path past painted plywood Santas and Frostys and Rudolphs. A miniature train full of children chugged its way past them, adding percussion to the piped-in Christmas carols pouring out of the speakers. Shouts and laughter filled the air as snowsuited kids rolled and romped and played on built up ramps, and rolled out balls for snowmen.

Lily felt her throat tighten.

"There it is," Andrew said, pointing. There was the bandshell in the centre of the park, flanked by enormous pine trees. "It will just be a minute, now."

And, as they were standing there, the lights flicked on in the park. Every tree had been looped with multicolour strands, which wound their way around the plywood decorations. The trees by the bandshell had been lit to their topmost branches, and the entire park was enveloped in a twinkling glow.

Lily's throat tightened, and she closed her eyes, pulling her toque down further over her forehead. She bowed her head as tears pushed against her eyelids. She felt one slip out of the corner of her eye, and she brushed it away angrily with a mitten.

"Isn't it lovely?" Andrew asked.

Lily nodded, but couldn't bring herself to look at him. She thought if she opened her mouth, she would cry. After a moment, she took a deep breath through her nose and squeaked out a tiny, "It is."

She could sense Andrew looking down at her. "Lily? Are you all right?"

She nodded, pressing her lips together. "Yes, sorry. It's just..." A sob escaped. "I'm sorry."

"Honey, it's okay." Andrew scanned the park, then guided her to a tree away from the bulk of the people. He put his arms around her and drew her into his solid, comforting presence. Lily focused on her breathing, regained her composure, then broke out of his embrace.

"I'm sorry. it's just that... I've come to this park at Christmas since I was a little girl. My mom used to bring me. And she passed away at the beginning of this year, so..." Lily gestured helplessly. "I just hadn't planned on coming here this year. But I'm glad you brought me. It's so beautiful, and I wouldn't have done this otherwise."

"Oh Lily," he said. "I'm so sorry. That's really difficult. What would you like to do? Do you want to stay? Should we leave?"

"No, it's okay." And Lily suddenly found that it was okay, that two realities could exist at once. She could simultaneously love the beauty of the memories of this place and honour the grief that came from them. "Let's stay for a few minutes. But just here. Away from everyone else."

"All right," Andrew said. He moved his body so that he was leaning against the tree, and opened his arms. "Lean back against me, lovely girl. We'll stay for as little or as long as you like."

And so they stayed, just like that, with his arms around her while she let emotions break over her like waves. She remembered riding the little train, the unending photos her mother took of her in front of various trees and lights and Santas. She remembered things that were no longer included in the park displays, and saw brand new things that added to the beauty. She smiled, and a few more tears pricked behind her eyes, but that was fine. She felt cleansed. Here, in Andrew's embrace, awash in the twinkling lights and familiar carols, she looked out at her past and present in an instant and saw the potential for joy.

After... a moment? An hour? she turned in his arms and looked up at him. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you for that."

"I had these moments after my father died. You just don't know how and when it's going to hit you. Sometimes I found it best to just stay still and present. The feelings are what they are, and experiencing them can help." Lily nodded gratefully.

Shall we walk back?"

"Yes, I'm ready."

Andrew held her in his arms a little longer. He's going to kiss me, Lily thought again, feeling her lips part.

But instead of dropping his mouth to hers, he gave her the softest kiss on her forehead. "Darling girl, you're freezing! Let's go." He dropped his hand to hold hers again. "I'll buy you a hot chocolate or a cider on the way."

For a moment, Lily was discomfited. She was used to impulsive men who would take any opportunity to kiss her. And yet, she didn't doubt Andrew's attraction to her, either. He had sought her out, he'd spent half his day with her. He was so marvellously in control of himself, so confident.

As they exited the park, he bought her a hot chocolate, which warmed her to her toes. They walked quietly, swinging their joined hands between them. Then, when they had almost reached the café, Andrew broke the silence.

"I don't want to pry," he said. "But...what are you going to do for Christmas? You might not want to be on your own for this first one, after your mum."

"I'm not going to celebrate Christmas until the 26th," Lily explained. "My best friend Stephanie and her family are going to Steph's mom's for Christmas Day, but they'll be back on Boxing Day. I'll have dinner with them then."

They had reached the café. Andrew looked down at Lily intently. "But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? You're not going to be alone then, are you? I'm meeting a few friends for drinks on Christmas Eve. Very quiet. You could join us?"

Lily could have wept. "Oh, I would have loved that, but I can't. I'm working."

"Working?" Andrew's brow furrowed. "Not in the evening, surely. I can pick you up after the café closes, and bring you home whenever you like. We could just pop in for an hour or so."

"No, no, not at the café, I'm working at my other job. At Oakdale Farms. That's Stephanie's horse farm. I'll be doing sleigh rides for people on Christmas Eve. I likely won't finish before midnight." Lily took a deep breath. "But I like doing sleigh rides. It's fun. I'll be fine." She hoped that she had infused enough brightness into her voice to hide her disappointment.

Andrew studied her face for a moment. "All right. If you're sure. And if something happens and you don't have to work, the invitation is open. You have my number, I can pick you up anytime."

Lily felt a sudden surge of desperation. "You don't want to come over to my place now, do you?"

Andrew bent down and kissed her, a chaste kiss, on her lips.

"Lily, I would love to. But not tonight. It's been a big day. But I will see you soon."

As he was walking back to the car, he turned to call back to her. "Wait. Does this mean that on Christmas Eve, you'll literally be dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh?"

Lily laughed. "Well, it's a team of horses. So, technically, it's a two-horse open sleigh. But essentially, yes. I'm a true Christmas cliché."

Andrew nodded thoughtfully, then waved and got into his car. And that was that.

As she drove home that night, Lily decided that she was relieved that he had turned her down. She didn't want to grasp at him out of sadness, to assign him the role of saviour in her life rather than meeting him as an equal.

This possibility with Andrew seemed infinitely more precious, and full of so much potential. She hoped.

So Lily pushed away her disappointment, cued up her Christmas mix and sang her heart out all the way home.

Christmas Eve dawned clear and cold. The café was closed that day, and Lily slept late. It was such bliss to wake up at her own pace. She stretched lazily under the covers as sunshine streamed through a crack in the curtain.

Andrew had texted her a few times since their lunch, but she had never initiated the conversation. She had cried on their first date, and felt shy and embarrassed about seeming needy. He had been so lovely, but she was terrified to make a wrong step and disturb their lovely, delicate dance.

She had only seen him once since their afternoon together. He had come into the café for his usual latte, at his usual table. They had snatched a few minutes of conversation, but Lily kept having to jump up from the table to serve customers, and when he left, he wished her a happy Christmas. So she'd have to be content with that.

I'll see him after the holidays, she thought. It's not the end of the world.

Still, Christmas Eve loomed ahead of her. She had three sleigh rides to drive that night, but other than that the day was her own. She fought back a wave of nostalgia for past Christmases with her mother.

I'll have a lazy, indulgent day, she thought. I'll stay in my pyjamas and wrap the presents for Stephanie's family. Then I'll do some baking for Boxing Day. And I'll have dumb Christmas movies playing all day long. Nobody has to know.

And she passed a surprisingly happy day doing just that. She loved to bustle around the kitchen, and she made a glorious mess baking sugar cookies and pumpkin muffins. The coach house brimmed with the smells of cinnamon and nutmeg. She placed the wrapped gifts under her little tree. And she had a blissful mid-afternoon nap.

So by the time she arrived in the farm office, she was feeling rested and relaxed. She really did love giving sleigh rides, even though they were a complete rat race to prepare.

The horses had to be brought in from the paddock first, and fed. Lily worked quickly, moving from stall to stall, doling out the hay and feed and checking for fresh water. Then to the adjoining office to check the number and times of the rides, and prepare the coffee urns to heat the coffee, cocoa and cider for the guests.

Then out to the stable, to bring Duke and Diamond out after their meal for grooming. Lily loved Duke and Diamond, and cooed nonsense to them as she clipped them into the crossties. They were Friesians, huge, jet black and powerful with long, wavy manes. Diamond was a touch shorter, with a shorter tail and a star, but to the untrained eye, they looked almost identical.

Then to grooming. Lily adored grooming. She took her time, running the brushes over every part of their bodies, automatically checking for any bumps or scrapes they might have sustained during the day. She loved the way their necks drooped as they relaxed under her hands, and how their coats gleamed when she was finished. She combed any big tangles out of their manes, but left them free and loose.

Lily led them out of the stable, one at a time, to hook them to the hitching post side by side so that she could harness them. She buckled the collar round their necks, fitted the hames into the collars, then spread the complicated tack out over their s, fastening the crouper under their tails. It was heavy, hot work, and she felt her sweat rise despite the crispness of the afternoon winter air.

After she had checked all of the buckles and clasps, she yoked the horses together and hung their bridles next to their posts. Finally, she buckled the strap of copper sleigh bells to Duke's harness. She then went back into the stable to put on her snowmobile suit.

She always felt a bit ridiculous in the suit. It was black and enormous and so thick that when she paired it with her -40 boots, she felt like a toddler clomping around in a fireman's uniform. She knew that she must look so dour and imposing to the happy families expecting nonstop Christmas on their night time sleigh rides. But despite the exertions of the grooming and harnessing, driving itself was cold work, sitting still on the sleigh for hours. Her one concession to festivity over practicality was a ridiculous Christmas toque; red and green with a giant pompom on the top.

Fully suited, she waddled back out to the horses, slipped the bridles on, and waited for her customers to arrive.

The first two rides were absolutely magical. They were her favourite kinds of customers: each included a big family with little children bundled up to the eyeballs, who were positively vibrating with the excitement of Christmas. She loved to pick the kids up and show them the softest part of a horse's nose to touch, that downy spot right at the end of their noses. Filling out the sleigh were a few couples, out for a romantic Christmas eve. It was one couple's anniversary.

The horses pulled the sleigh around the property, and the customers, sitting on the sweet piled hay or perched on bales with thick blankets over their legs, laughed and pointed at the stars and sang carols. After the rides were over, Lily offered them hot drinks, and gave the older children apples and carrots and showed them how to feed Duke and Diamond, who took the treats so gently from their outstretched hands with their rubbery lips.

There was one ride left, the last time slot of the night. Lily had half an hour to wait, and ducked into the farm office to use the washroom and to warm up. She was loath to struggle out of the bulky suit before the night was over, but needing to pee mid-sleigh ride, in the freezing cold, was infinitely worse. She had learned that the hard way.

By the time she had re-swaddled the snowsuit monstrosity, she could see the headlights of a car pulling into the parking lot, and she hustled back out to the hitching post. Four people got out of the car, which idled in the parking lot for a moment, then pulled away.

"Hi there!" said Lily, approaching the customers. They weren't well dressed for the cold, she noticed. At least one of the girls had a headband covering her ears under her stylish ponytail. "Was that the fifth member of your party? They can just park right there, it's fine."

"Nah," said one of the two young men, his arm around a girl. "That's just our Uber."

Fuck. Lily's heart sank.

Sometimes people came out to Oakdale in an Uber because they didn't have transportation. But more often than not, especially for holiday trail rides, it was because they had been drinking. And these kids looked the type, too: young, entitled, and a little unsteady on their feet. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

But there were only four of them. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

"Are you waiting for one more?" Lily asked with a forced smile. "My booking sheet said we have five people for this ride."

"Nope," said ponytail. "Just us."

Lily sighed. "Well, we'd better wait a few minutes, just in case..."

And just then, she saw headlights turn into the parking lot. "Oh," she said in surprise. "Maybe that's the fifth person."

And the second he stepped out of his car, she knew.

She left the others standing by the horses and walked toward Andrew as he pulled on heavy mitts and a hat. It was all she could do not to break into a run and fling herself into his arms. When they reached each other, she beamed up at him.

"I can't believe you're here! What about your other plans? With your friends?"

"Oh, I dropped in for an hour or so. But I added myself to this reservation the minute I got home from the park that day. I couldn't think of anything nicer than a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve with you."

Lily resisted the urge to hug him. "Well, I'm afraid you might not have the greatest sleigh-mates in this group. I think they're half in the bag already. Why don't you ride up front with me? We'll make something up so they don't ask for their turn in the driver's seat. I've spent all night trying to keep people out of there."

"Perfect." Andrew winked at her.

"Okay, everyone," she said as they walked to the sleigh. "We've had a cancellation, so my boss is going to come out and join us for this last run. Everyone can climb on." And she re-bridled the horses, unclipped them from the post, and climbed up to join Andrew in the driver's seat. She grasped the reins, then turned back to her passengers.

"Just a few ground rules, everyone. Please stay seated and on the sleigh, and don't reach out to touch or grab anything. Stay safe and have fun!"