A Naughty Night Out

Ellen

I am "happily" married with two kids, one girl, age eight, and one boy, age six along with a dog, age five, and a husband, age 30. All of us live comfortably in a three bedroom house in a small Georgia town. I teach high school chemistry and physics. We live a normal middle class life, which is pretty uptown in a small farming community like this.

In college I dreamed of becoming a great scientist and was a shoo-in for acceptance and a scholarship for grad school in chemistry. All of that went by the wayside when I turned up pregnant a semester shy of graduation. Bill and I hastily married satisfying our put-out parents and our hometown social mores. I went down the aisle with a tummy straining my wedding gown, neither the first nor last young woman to do so.

I got my teaching credentials to get a paying job and help with the family finances. I still hope to get back to grad school and a real science career. I know that will never happen though. There are the kids, their soccer games, a husband, home, and teaching that have to be tended to. It's just life.

Bill is a really sweet guy, pitches in with the house and kids, and dotes on me. Spoils me absolutely rotten actually. But, bless his soul, he is a CPA. Born to order and numbers, spontaneity and adventure are not really in his vocabulary. He took over his father's accounting business five years ago when his father retired and does quite well for a business in such a rural county.

We have fun out here in the country though. There is the country club where I swim and play tennis, I teach children's Sunday school at our church, and we have grand family gatherings back on the family farm and take occasional trips to the beach and mountains with the kids. Next year, maybe we will make the obligatory Disney World pilgrimage. Most women would kill for a life like mine.

I am absolutely dying of boredom.

Bill

I am a lucky man. Ellen is a smart gal and would be a trophy wife for a rich man in Atlanta or Dallas, much less for a small-town, hick accountant like me. I am sure if she had not gotten pregnant in college in one of our spats of on- and off-again dating, she would have moved on to bigger and better things and other men in her life. I would just be the nostalgic memory of the sweet, old boyfriend back home. Ellen is way too smart and too talented to be stuck in our home town teaching high school here in the backwoods and tending house and kids for the likes of me.

School is out for the summer, and Ellen delivered the kids to her parent's sprawling farm about thirty miles away for two weeks of glorious country living. The kids will return tanned, fit, excited, and gushing with stories, not to mention also being totally spoiled rotten by doting grandparents.

Ellen got back from delivering the kids about 5:30, and we went to the screened back porch for happy hour and to catch up on each other's daily doings. It is early June and the summer heat is building. We often sit under the cooling ceiling fan in the late afternoon while the lightning bugs flicker to life and the boisterous southern leopard frogs in the pond tune up with their chuckling croaks for their nightly serenade. Enjoying a cold drink and the company of an intelligent, beautiful woman on the porch is about as fine a way to end the working day as I can imagine.

I fixed Ellen a gin and tonic with a lime and a bourbon on the rocks with a sprig of mint for me. As we sipped our drinks, and rocked in our chairs, conversation drifted from topic to topic. Ellen is always a delightful conversationalist with keen observations on people and news all sprinkled with a dry sense of humor and wickedly keen insights. Though we are out in the sticks, Ellen reads voraciously and is always up to date on everything from the arts to international news to the newest advances in science. I swear that woman has a photographic memory; she forgets nothing.

As we started in on our second round of drinks, Ellen got around to talking about her friend Judy with whom she teaches and often plays tennis at the country club.

"Judy asked me to stop by for coffee on my way home from Mom and Dad's this afternoon. She and John are getting divorced, and it is not going well."

"Oh no. I had not heard. What happened?" I was taken completely by surprise.

Judy is a year older than Ellen, and her kids are roughly the same age as ours. We often get together with them because of Judy and Ellen's friendship and the kids play well together. Judy is pert and vivacious and good company. John can be a little pretentious but is generally a pretty good guy. He is from a local prominent family, and they have a large farm that's been in their family since before the Revolutionary War. John's older brother does most of the actual day-to-day farming. John sells farm equipment, fertilizer, seed, and the like to the local agricultural community. I know John through Judy and Ellen's friendship, and his agro-business and family farm are both accounting clients of mine.

Ellen gave a long sigh and then said: " Judy has been having an affair for most of the school year. John found out and is furious. There is no reasoning with him or talking to him. He has retained his cousin, a real asshole divorce lawyer over in the county seat. John refuses to even talk with Judy. He just refers her to his lawyer."

"Jeez. That is a mess."

"That is an understatement. Judy has tried to get him to go to counseling with her so they can talk about it, but he just laughs at her."

I shook my head sadly. "What about the kids?" I asked.

"They are with Judy now. John has moved out to the farm but is demanding custody from that immoral woman, his own wife," Ellen spat out angrily.

"I doubt this day and age that any court is going to put much weight on custody issues based on adultery," I offered. "The court will concentrate on what is best for the children. Have they filed papers; is there any prospect of reconciliation?"

"No and no. But it has gone too far now to stop. John's family has money and pull around here, so this is not going to be easy for Judy."

"I have not heard even a whisper of a rumor about Judy having an affair," I observed.

Ellen reached over and gave me a playful push while laughing affably, "Bill, the whole idea of an affair is to keep it secret from your spouse and other people."

"Touche," I agreed. "Who's the man she was involved with?"

Ellen replied pensively, "He's the new math teacher in the classroom next to hers, good looking guy, a few years younger than she is. He is single."

Ellen glanced out over the pond and continued sadly, "I am glad school is over for a few months. It could get real awkward with a married staff member in a scandalous affair becoming public knowledge. It sounds like John wants to make a public spectacle of shaming Judy about the affair."

There was a pause, and she glanced back at me, "You can say it is nobody's business but theirs, but that is not the way the world works. Especially in a small town like this. I suspect Judy and her paramour will both have to salvage what they can from this disaster and move elsewhere."

"This is a real shame; Judy is a great person. I would never have dreamed she would have an affair," I said.

Ellen's retort was sharper than I expected. "Bill, any woman can have an affair. It is called sex, a thing men and women have been doing together since time immemorial."

Her voice took on a hard, steely quality. "John has been acting like a jackass. He plays golf, hunts, fishes, or goes with his buddies to those damn Georgia football games whenever he wants. Judy is left home cooking, tending kids and house, and serves at his beck and call. She just got fed up with it and wouldn't tolerate it any more.

Ellen went on angrily, "She was bored, neglected, and mad. If he was out having fun, well, she could certainly find her own companionship and excitement with another man. She was frustrated with John and literally dying of boredom. On top of all of that, Judy says John is pretty uninspiring in the bedroom."

Ellen tossed her luxurious, silky dark brown hair in and replied with her brown eyes flashing, "Don't you think for a minute mister that Judy is the first woman in this backwater, hick town to assuage her boredom and husband's neglect in the arms of another man."

Ellen's vehement defense of Judy took me aback. Makes me wonder if she has had an affair herself; though I think that would be unlike her. But still, it does give a husband pause.

I asked quietly, "How long have you known about the affair?"

Ellen looked uncomfortable and delayed answering for several seconds. She looked away over the pond not meeting my gaze as she replied quietly, "Since the beginning. Judy talked to me a lot about it; before it started and afterwards too. I even watched the kids for her some of the times while she had a tryst."

"Ouch," I thought. That was unexpected.

This topic was upsetting Ellen, and there was nothing further to gain from discussing it. I drifted our conversation on to other less emotional topics.

THE PROPOSAL

Bill

Ellen's discussion and vehement defense of Judy's affair made me uneasy. Ellen is such a prize, much greater than a poor man like me deserves, that I live in fear that she will one day chuck me aside out of boredom or in frustration and take off to greener pastures where she could really blossom.

For over a year now she just hasn't been her normal spunky self. She seems more moody, despondent, depressed, or something. Irritation with me and the kids flashes more easily than before. Don't get me wrong, she's still a great gal; just not her normal upbeat, vivacious self. I fear the boredom and tedium of small-town, family life have begun to wear on her.

Ellen always embraced life. She is a superb tennis player and swimmer. The lady has an adventurous spirit. In college she took up rock climbing and scuba diving and even gave sky diving a whirl a couple of times. In high school and college she broke the hearts of a string of boy friends, mine several times. None of that ever interfered with her academics. She was a star student, easily winning a variety of awards and scholarships.

We had dated in a haphazard, non-exclusive manner through high school and then college. I knew I was just the temporary fill-in boy friend when she came up pregnant. Nevertheless, she embraced her maternal responsibilities with the same spunk she did everything else in her life. Our children are extremely fortunate to have such a mother, but of course, they will have no idea of such for decades yet.

Sadly motherhood and our marriage combined to put a kibosh on Ellen's outside interests and academic studies. Now she is trapped in a dull marriage in a small town with few outlets for her adventurous soul or powerful intelligence.

I can sense her restlessness though she does her best to hide it. I cannot fix her having to teach, tend to kids, or live in a small town. Maybe in the future, we can find a way to get her back to grad school, but now neither our finances nor the demands of raising young children make this feasible. I wish I had something to give her to remedy the blahs that have overtaken her.

That next evening we went out to the porch with our drinks for happy hour again. I surprised her by opening a bottle of Champagne and making French 75s with cognac, one of her favorite drinks that we savor on special occasions.

When I handed her the drink in the kitchen on the way to the porch, she cocked her head with a smile and asked curiously, "Woohoo, what's up?"

"In a minute," I demurred, and we went out on the porch.

As we sat down, I said "Ellen I have thought long and hard about what you said yesterday about Judy's affair. I want to offer you this; something to break the boredom and liven things up." With that I handed her a sealed envelope.

Ellen smiled while looking at me curiously and taking the envelope. "Well this is interesting. Something to break the boredom and jazz up the old routine, huh? Sounds like fun."

I just smiled quietly.

Glancing at me speculatively as she tore open the envelope and unfolded the paper inside, Ellen began to read the following message:

Ellen is hereby granted a pass for a naughty night out to indulge any fantasy or adventure she wishes at the time and place and with whom she chooses. She does this with the full support of her husband, and there will be no recriminations.

I sat sipping my drink watching Ellen closely. Her smile turned to a look of puzzlement and then bewilderment as she read the note again.

She looked at me suddenly and said in disbelief, "You want me to have an affair? Are you nuts?"

I turned and leaned earnestly toward her, "No, I do not want you to have an affair. But you are suffering from exactly the same boredom, depression, and restlessness that triggered Judy's affair. You two have always been two peas in a pod since you first met. You gals could be twins. A couple years from now, or even next week for that matter, you could be doing the same thing as Judy."

Ellen grimaced while passionately waving her hands at me in disagreement. "Bill, it is not the same thing. John is an ass; you are a really decent guy. I would never have an affair behind your back. That's just not me."

I took a deep breath and said, "Let's be honest, I am not the Casanova you deserve. Good sex is the foundation of marriage. You certainly are the innovative one in bedroom."

Ellen started to interrupt, but I held up my hand. "Let me finish this first. This offer simply allows you to sample the menu. To go out and try an exotic, spicy dish that's not on the home menu."

Ellen replied quickly, spilling words over one another, "No Bill, you have it all wrong. I love our sex. Sure, we can always work on livening it up, but you are the husband I want."

I interjected, "Honey, I know I am no dashing Sir Galahad. I'm just an unexciting, small-town accountant who loves you. Like you said yesterday, any woman can have an affair - it's only sex. Ok, lets nip future trouble in the bud and get ahead of the game without any destructive secrets. I do not want to see us in the same shoes as Judy and John."

Ellen, shook her head dismissively and smiled tolerantly at me, "Oh Bill, this is a good hearted gesture I realize, but I don't think my having an affair is exactly the answer to my frustrations."

"That is fine. This is an offer not a requirement or even a wish. You have always been the adventuresome one of us. Remember in college, how you talked me into going rock climbing with you one time, and it scared me to death."

Ellen laughed in agreement. "Yes, I do. You were so funny."

I replied with mock indignation, "I saw absolutely nothing funny about dangling upside down off a cliff on a rope."

This caused Ellen to whoop with laughter at the memory of my ridiculous predicament from which she had rescued me.

I continued more seriously, "Heaven knows, you do certainly enjoy sex." That elicited a smile from Ellen. "Think of this as sampling an alluring and outlandish spice, stirring up some excitement, and embarking on an adventure - something really out of your everyday routine."

Ellen laughed again but a little uneasily, "Well, it would certainly be a change in my routine!"

"Look," I said. "You are like a pressure cooker ready to blow. Think of this offer as a safety valve to blow off steam."

Ellen put her hand over her mouth while she looked at me incredulously. "You really are serious, aren't you?"

She let out a puff of breath and raised her eyebrows, "A condoned affair. Mmm, that IS certainly an original proposition on how to handle stress. We might have to go on the Dr. Phil show or something."

Now she was giggling. "I can see our best seller already. We'll call it 'Bill and Ellen's prescription for a wife's boredom, irritation, female hysteria, and everything else: some good old fashioned hanky panky.' The book would be jumping off the shelves!"

Ellen went on with a warm, indulgent smile, "You goof. No way. Whatever gave you such a crazy idea? But thank you very much for your generous offer."

Her eyes twinkled in amusement at me, but I thought I could see a spark of something else light up in there too.

THE ANSWER

Ellen

You certainly could have bowled me over with a feather after I read Bill's proposal. The nut was really serious about allowing me to have an affair. Where in the world did he ever get such an outlandish idea?

It is out of the question, of course. Still, we all have our fantasies, and it is fun to play with the possibility of slipping off with an attractive man for a naughty night of debauchery and sexual hijinks.

I woke before dawn the next morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I slipped quietly out of bed, made coffee in the kitchen, and then padded into our home office with a steaming cup of java. Here I began to pick apart Bill's proposition, just for fun, of course. It is one of those things that sounds easy at first, but once you start to really look into the mechanics of the issue, the problem becomes more challenging ... and interesting.

Naturally, I wouldn't really consider it. Still, it is exciting to fantasize an affair. Especially if your husband is ok with it. I still can't figure that part out. What is going on with that boy?

Unfortunately I have to admit that married sex falls into a rut, even when we work hard to avoid it. It would certainly be fun to just go out and get laid by someone new, just for the pure physical fun of it. We all have such fantasies but keep them carefully locked away from public view.

On the other hand, modern statistics show a lot of married folks, both male and female, are busily out there humping away lustfully with one another. Researchers are guessing the percentage of affairs are actually under reported and that most of them remain unknown to the innocent spouse. But damn, in this case my husband knows before I even do anything. So maybe ... why not?

I just couldn't really do it. Fun to fantasize but that is all. Bill really is sweet to offer me this. I just can't believe he did it.

Bill

Ellen was already up when the alarm went off. I showered, put on my navy blue suit for work, and joined her in the kitchen for a breakfast of grapefruit, Wheat Chex with fresh blueberries from the garden, and several cups of aromatic coffee. She had retrieved the morning paper, and we commented on various stories and the editorials as we enjoyed breakfast together. At 7:45 I headed to work, leaving Ellen in her robe. Since school was out and the kids were at her parent's farm, she was free for the day. She was definitely in a perky mood this morning.

When I returned home after work, Ellen called from the home office "I will meet you on the porch for happy hour in a minute. Fix us some Martinis."

This was unusual. Though she likes Martinis, they get to Ellen rather quickly, and she avoids them unless she is in a partying mood.

I fixed the drinks and went out on the porch. Ellen joined me a few minutes later carrying a pad of paper covered with notes and a folder.

Ellen took a big sip of her Martini and said, "Ok, I have been giving your crazy proposal some thought. Boy, you sure know how to catch a girl's attention!"

I looked questioningly at her as I thought to myself, "Ah ha, now, is she really going to do it?"

Ellen looked at me intently; her luscious brown eyes were twinkling with a combination of amusement and excitement. "First, if, and I emphasize the if, I were to accept your offer, there is no quid pro quo. You get no quid for my quo. My misbehavior does not give you permission to have an affair."