A New Beginning Ch. 02

The funeral was held at the church were we were married and the service was packed with our friends. We had many as most people loved Marci. She was one of those people who you just liked on sight. I was blind to most of them, my grief still overwhelming to me. I did look for my daughter and spotted her sitting with dad and someone else. Whoever she was had her back to me when I saw them but I did see Mandy sitting with another little boy who I didn't know. They were talking as though they knew each other very well. I thought briefly that it was nice she had a friend now. I turned back to the front and willed the service to be over. Thankfully, it soon was.

I stayed by the casket as people filed past, heads bowed and some speaking words that I didn't hear. As the crowd finally dispersed, dad came up to me and said a few words. I thanked him for taking such good care of Mandy and he clapped me on the shoulder, saying it was no bother. He walked away and I glanced back at him, thinking of the time he had lost my mother, and saw him go to the woman with him. When he spoke to her, she nodded her head and looked toward me. I saw with a shock that it was Jennie. She saw me looking, mouthed the words "I'm sorry", then turned and followed dad, Mandy and the little boy. By the time it registered on me that the little boy was hers and that she was with dad and Mandy, they were gone. I was about to follow when the reverend called me.

The rest of the day passed without me remembering much about it. I do remember going somewhere after the burial to eat and talk to endless people who said the same things to me but that was about all. I stood around, my mind wandering back over the too short time I had with Marci and trying not to break down. It was so hard, trying to be cordial and listening to endless words of compassion, but I knew it had to be done. These people cared, and that was what kept me going. But finally it was over and the last of the well wishers left, closing the door behind them. I was left, alone and feeling like I was adrift in a small boat in the middle of the ocean. I was at the mercy of whatever fates happened to throw my way. I finally gave up and went upstairs to bed, to try to sleep and forget.

Within a week I was back at work. I had hired a caretaker to care for our home, fix meals for Mandy and I and to be available as we needed her. She was older, free to come and go as necessary and she was very capable, both with the home and with Mandy, who was six years old now and already doing well in school. Although I didn't need to work any more as the investments I had with Rick were doing so well, I chose to stay and do the work I loved. My boss knew of my background and gave me free reign to do pretty much as I please. I was good, he and I both knew it, so we got along well that way. Carl was still my best friend and we spent a lot of time together, me at his home with him and his wife Carrie. They had married and were expecting.

Dad was retired now, grandpa was in a home because of the early stages of Alzheimer's and we were unable to properly care for him alone. He was at that stage where he recognized us sometimes, but at other times was completely gone into his own world. It hurt, but we understood there was nothing we could do about it. Dad still loved when Mandy and I visited, which we did as often as we could and I often left her there with him to just visit while I traveled or worked late. She enjoyed exploring the house he still lived in and I know he let her stay up late to watch TV. I usually called ahead to let him know we were coming over, as he requested, something which I never understood. Since he was alone, hardly ever left the house and was always up and dressed early, I had no idea why I had to call in advance. When I did, he never said he didn't want us to come and every time we did come, he always asked us to make it more often.

Things settled into a routine with me working, coming home in the evening to spend the time with Mandy and then to bed. On weekends, we would try to do something together but Mandy was getting older and didn't want to spend the time only with me. She had friends from school and she often wanted me to take her to someone's house to play with them. I didn't mind but it was lonely. I didn't date anyone seriously and had only a perfunctory interest in women now. Maybe it was because it was less than a year since Marci died, or maybe it was my track record which wasn't the best that stopped me. Whatever, I just wasn't interested. Actually, truth be told, I wasn't interested in much of anything now. Even work had become more of a chore than a pleasure.

It had been over a year since Marci died and Mandy was now seven and I had just turned thirty seven when I decided that I wanted to take some time and travel around the world. I was alone now except for Mandy and I had no one I cared about other than her and dad. Grandpa was gone more and more so he was out of the picture as far as caring was concerned. He was cared for, certainly, but the grandpa I knew and loved was already gone. I would have no worries about leaving him.

At work, I had discussed it with Carl and with my boss and they agreed. I was just going through the motions now at work: it no longer gave me the same rewards as before. I gave it some more thought, considered a few of the bigger contracts but none interested me. I worked for a few more weeks before I finally resigned, making it official.

Carl and Carrie insisted on giving me a big send off party. I didn't really mind as I had made a few friends at work and I would like to be able to say goodbye to them. It was held at the office and I did enjoy the afternoon. I said my goodbyes, promised to keep in touch and told everyone I had yet to make a decision as to where I wanted to go. That was the truth anyway. I hadn't decided. And, more important, I hadn't decided whether to take Mandy with me. I wanted to be close to her but at the same time, I felt I needed the time away to clear my head and my heart.

I had yet to tell dad since I wanted to be certain in my own mind about what I was going to do. I was watching Mandy play with one of the children in our block when I decided it was time. I knew he would not judge me and that I would go with his blessing, but I did want to give him time to accept it and to make whatever arrangements he wanted. I was going to ask him to move into my home and stay with Mandy while I did what I had to do. He had volunteered and I expected he would do it for us so that wasn't a worry. My more immediate worry was how Mandy would take it. The loss of her mother was hard on Mandy but Marci had prepared her well for it and it took Mandy only a few weeks to get over her loss. She still missed her and talked of her often but she knew that she was gone forever and she accepted it as children do.

That evening, I decided to talk first to Mandy and see what her thoughts were on the subject. I told her that I wanted to do some traveling and that it would be difficult for her since there wouldn't be anyone for her to play with or do things with. I wanted to make sure she would be OK so I told her I wanted her grandpa to move in and stay here with her so she could still go to school and play with her friends. I promised her I could call her every night and we could talk so I wouldn't seem to be too far away. Mandy listened to all of this with a serious face and when I was finished, I waited for her response. I was not sure what to expect but I was taken by surprise by it.

"It's OK daddy. I know you miss mommy and you need to be somewhere so you can cry where I can't see you. Grandpa told me so I know all about it and I don't think its silly or anything. He told me that grownups have to cry sometimes, just like us kids, but that you have to pretend to be strong for us. So, see? I'm pretty smart."

She patted my cheek with her little hand and that almost made me break down right then and there. But I choked back the tears, swallowed hard and licked my lips to wet them again. I just looked at this little thing that was all I had left of Marci and thanked God that she was with me.

"I can stay with grandpa for awhile so long as you call to let me know you're OK. And maybe little Alex can come stay here too when you're gone. Would that be OK daddy?"

"Of course he can come if he's allowed. That would be fine with me. How well do you know little Alex?"

"Oh, I see him when I visit with grandpa. His mommy is sometimes there so he comes when she does. She and grandpa are friends and she's nice. Sometimes, she stays and cooks dinner for us when you're late or going to be gone for a day or so. He's older than me but he's real nice to me. He doesn't treat me like a baby or anything."

I digested this bit of information, knowing that she was talking about Alex Jr. And I had seen Jennie with dad a few times so that made sense. But I was surprised by the fact that she was there so often. That part I didn't understand. It left me puzzled but I didn't worry too much about it. I just knew that dad liked Jennie and she liked him so they remained friends.

I decided to drive over to talk to dad and make the arrangements now that Mandy was OK with it. I got the housekeeper to sit with Mandy while I made the trip. I decided to forget calling ahead this time just to see what would happen. Maybe she would be there; that would be a real jolt to them if I just showed up. But as I drove towards dad's place, I wondered what I would do if she was there. I hadn't talked to her in, what, close to seven years now? Not since that day in the hospital when Alex Jr. was born and even then, I didn't say anything. I just looked and then ran. Well, we would soon know,

I pulled into dad's driveway, a minivan already there. Since dad drove a Lincoln, I knew that Jennie was probably there. I got out of my car, stood beside it examining my feelings, and was surprised at what I found. First, I found no anger; it had disappeared with the years. Next, I felt a thrill of interest in seeing her again. Finally, there was a knot in my stomach; tension and what else? I walked to the door, hesitated a second, than raised my hand and knocked.

As I stood there waiting, she opened the door. I was lit by the light from the open door so my face was clear to her immediately. The light was behind her so her face was shadowed, but I could tell she was surprised by the way she gasped. I waited for her to say something, then when she remained silent, I asked if I could come in. She moved immediately away from the door, making way for me. I entered and turned toward her as she shut the door.

"Hello Jennie. I guessed you might be here." I was proud of the fact my voice was in control.

"Hello Alex. It's, ah, it's good to see you. It's been a long time. Well, not really I guess. I've seen you and you've seen me but we haven't spoken for some time. But it's not really been that long I guess." Jennie was clearly nervous and babbling, and she was twisting her hands together in confusion.

"Yes it has been some time. I think it was when little Alex was born. I'm sorry I ran out on you that day. That was rude of me. I apologize for that." I remembered that day and it was not one of my best.

Jennie was still looking at me with eyes wide and her hands still clasped tightly together. She had stopped talking and now was just watching me. For my part, I was examining my feelings and I was surprised to find there was no anger now, just a small twinge of embarrassment and a large amount of pleasure in just looking at her.

"Well, I came to talk to dad but you might want to listen in as well. I think you might be involved in what I want, more than I knew before I spoke with Mandy."

She motioned toward the hallway and said dad was in the kitchen. She walked away and I followed, taking the time to admire the view. I noted to myself that she still had a great figure. I found that she was as beautiful as ever, the years adding to her looks rather than detracting. I could tell she was confused as I followed her into the kitchen where dad normally stayed.

When we walked into the kitchen, dad was surprised to see me and said something about me not calling first. I just smiled at him and motioned toward Jennie.

"Too late dad. I know Jennie comes to see you. Mandy told me about her and little Alex and that she was here from time to time." I looked around and asked "Where is little Alex anyway?"

"He's home with the sitter tonight. I just had some business to talk over with dad." Jennie looked at me with embarrassment at her use of the term 'dad'. Somehow it didn't seem out of place here tonight.

"Well, I just have a couple of things to say and I want both of you to hear them since it seems that if one of you is involved, the other will probably be as well." I looked at both of them at that statement of fact and the expression on dad's face was one of embarrassment but on Jennie's face, it was more amusement than anything.

"I've quit my job and I've decided to take some time to try to get my life in order." I stopped at the unintended comment from dad and the gasp of surprise from Jennie. After a pause, I continued. "I'm taking some time to travel and go to some of the places I've always wanted to see. I'd like to leave Mandy at home so that she doesn't miss school. She's already agreed if I call her every night and she's looking forward to seeing more of little Alex.

Dad was now interested and still a little shocked but again, Jennie seemed more amused than anything. I couldn't figure that out but I continued anyway.

"Dad, you can come over to the house and stay and Sadie will take care of most everything. That way, nothing much changes for Mandy. Can you do it for me?"

Dad nodded as I finished and when he spoke, it was simply to answer in the affirmative. Jennie was watching me as I explained and also nodded. I knew she would be over there as often as she was here.

Dad stood, said he was going to check on a few things and walked out to leave Jennie and me alone. I waited till he was gone and than asked, "How long have you been coming over to see dad? I know it's been some time since Mandy seems to know little Alex pretty well."

"Ever since your grandma died. I don't know whether you knew it or not but she left me some money in her will. Enough to allow me to stop working and still take care of Alex. We bought back the house and we live there now. It's where he was born."

That was a shock to me. Grandma never hinted that she was considering leaving anything to Jennie. But then I didn't even know she had anything to leave until after she died. Grandma was full of surprises, none so surprising as those that she left behind. I guess my little lie to her didn't get past her. I should have known.

"I didn't know. But it doesn't surprise me. She always did like you. More than I knew I guess."

I was still trying to absorb all of this when Jennie asked me a question that rocked my world. She was standing there, looking at me with that amused look on her face when she put one hand on my arm and asked, "Would you like some company on your trip to all those places?"

I looked at her in incomprehension for a few heartbeats before the words she spoke became clear. What had she asked me? Did I want company? Did she mean her company? How could she ask that? How could she. . . . . . I stopped in surprise when I realized that although the question had come as a complete shock, inside I was actually considering it!

My stupid heart was hammering in my chest and my breathing became labored. I must have appeared to be having a heart attack because she put her hand on my arm again and this time, shook me.

"I was just kidding Alex! I know better. Please, calm down and don't be angry. Honestly, I was just kidding. It was a stupid thing to say, I guess. I'm so sorry."

I looked at her; the look of sadness on her face tore at me. I wasn't angry at her. I was just surprised at the effect her question had on me. And the fact that I was not rejecting it out of hand was more of a shock than anything else.

I shook my head to let her know that wasn't it. I looked back at her and said, "I'm not angry Jennie. I was just surprised that I was actually considering it. I still am."

Now the look on her face matched mine. Shock; surprise; anticipation, mixed with sadness and joy; and most of all, hope. It lasted only a few seconds but then the thought of what we had just said to each other must have gotten through. She clapped one hand over her mouth and almost ran from the room. I watched in surprise as she opened the door and ran out. I heard the car start up seconds later and then she was gone.

Dad was standing in the doorway, having watched the whole thing transpire. He was smiling when he spoke. "Neither of you has ever accepted the truth. She still loves you son, and it's clear that you still love her. Time has passed for both of you and you have both had your share of heartbreak, but this is now. And now you are both here and both free and both still in love with each other. The only question left is: what are you going to do about it?"

I didn't answer dad because I had nothing to say to that. I was confused, disoriented and too damned aware of how Jennie had looked and talked and. . . . . oh, shit! I was in trouble and I knew it. I just waved at dad as I walked out to the car and drove home, my mind spinning out of control most of the way. But as I got closer to home and Mandy, and memories of Marci, things began to quiet down. By the time I got there, I was calm and in control once more. I went in, greeted my daughter, told her I met Jennie and talked to dad and that things were all set. She seemed to be unconcerned and went back to the game she was playing. Oh, how simple life was to children.

For the next two weeks, I made plans, reservations and arrangements. Mandy was taken care of, dad was moving in this weekend, Sonia was set to manage the house for him and I had my tickets and schedule all worked out. I was as ready as I would ever be for this. By the time I was ready to leave, things were all set and the house was running as if I had never been there. I guess that should have made me happy but all it did was remind me of how dispensable I seemed to be. Not a good thought for one in my situation,

I left on a Monday morning and flew to the Bahamas. I had rented a small bungalow in a resort advertised for couples. I didn't care about that but the brochure indicated that there was room service, guided tours, taxis available by the day, and guides, both male and female, for special services for the single persons. I was curious as to what the special services were. After I had checked in and unpacked in my bungalow, I went out to explore the surroundings. It was as advertised: beautiful and exotic. I met a few of my cabin mates and most were couples. Only three besides myself were single and two of those were males. The lone female was at least fifteen years older than me. And she wasn't the least bit pretty. Probably rich.

Three days later, I was ready to check out and proceed to my next destination. The guides were available all right but only as that: as guides! I hadn't met a single woman in three days and I was frustrated and alone. It was not what I expected. I checked out, paid a small penalty and moved my flight reservations up two days and flew next to Aruba.

Aruba was very much like the Bahamas, but there was gambling available to the masses. I hated gambling. I had terrible luck, no skill at all, and I was averse to giving my money away for nothing. I tried it since I was there but gave it up, spent my days by the pool and nights in the lounge. I did meet several nice ladies and I spent the night with some of them but it was clear that they were there for the excitement and the fun and nothing else. They were truly one night stands and that's the way they wanted it. Not bad, and I enjoyed both them and the lack of commitment involved.