A New Light is Created

'Okay, Charlie's pistol is in his mother's safe. All his medicines are in the ammo box he brought back from Afghanistan, locked up with a padlock. Kitchen knives, scissors, and razor blades are in the trunk of my car. His belt and all of mine are in a hatbox in the back of my closet. Have I forgotten anything?'

Charlie's been stable for a week, but I hate leaving him alone. I have to go to my gynecologist to get the results of my fertility tests. I didn't think they'd have the results in one day, but my doctor insisted I come in. With my luck, they found a cancerous tumor.

"Charlie, are you sure you won't go with me?"

"I'm fine, Tanya. See, my hands are steady, with no tremors. Beethoven is filling the room with his glorious music courtesy of my laptop, and I have a full glass of orange juice for vitamin C. You gave me my pills, and I'm feeling all right."

"All right, my cell phone's in my purse, so if you need me, call. I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you, Charles Chester Kramer."

"I love you too."

"Say it right, baby, please."

"Hmmph. I love," and he froze while staring over my shoulder.

I stood still and waited. He's never told me what he sees. His Doctor told me when he gets like this, to wait for him to come back instead of interrupting him.

Thirty seconds passed, then a minute, and he blinked, shook his head, and said, "I love you, Tanya Linda Kramer."

He walked me to the door, kissed me, then shut the door behind me. I walked to my car, then turned and stared at Charlie, watching me from our ground-floor living room window.

'I have a terrible feeling, but I am out of sick leave and vacation pay. I must return to work on Monday because I can't pay the bills without a job and Charlie can't work. I'm still fighting with the VA to get him on disability.'

I pulled into traffic for the twenty-minute drive and turned on the radio. Greenday was playing '21 Guns,' and I began singing with it.

As the ending faded out, a song I knew very well started playing.

"Should've stayed, were there signs I ignored?

Can I help you not to hurt anymore?"

'Not this song, again. I'm glad Charlie didn't come. He'd be curled up on the floor, crying.'

"We saw brilliance when the world was asleep,

There are things that we can have but can't keep."

"If they say."

Thump!

'If I listen to that song again, I'll be the person screaming.'

In silence, I drove the rest of the way to my Doctor's office, holding my phone nervously. Wanting to call him, I knew I couldn't.

'I have to show Charlie I trust him.'

***

"Tanya Kramer, appointment at 11:15."

"Right on time, Mrs. Kramer. It will only be a few minutes."

I dropped into a chair with a sagging seat cushion and stared at my phone's black screen, wishing he would call me.

'Breathe, Tanya, hold it together. Why am I nervous?'

"Mrs. Kramer, you can come on back, room two."

As soon as I sat down, Dr. Baxter came in, a big smile covering his face.

"Tanya, good news."

"So, I'm fertile; everything's normal. Whoopie. Your nurse could've told me that over the phone."

"That's not the good news."

'Shit, everything's not normal? How can that be good news.'

I scowled at him.

"Well, what's the good news?"

"You're twelve weeks along."

"What? Along? Speak English."

"Tanya, you're pregnant. Now I need you to set up appointments and get some pamphlets from my nurse...."

"Pregnant? How could it happen? I mean, I know how it happens, but why now? Pregnant? PREGNANT!"

I started jumping up and down while screaming, "I'm pregnant. OMG, Charlie is going to freak out. I have to go, Doctor. I promised Charlie that when I became pregnant, he would be involved with everything, including making appointments, because besides having PTSD, he also is OCD and paranoid, and if I don't drive straight home, he'll probably think it's not his baby, and get depressed, so as soon as we can we need to do a DNA test, and... I'M PREGNANT!"

I kissed the Doctor, then raced out the door and hugged his nurses, and then hugged the man helping his ready-to-pop wife sit down.

"I'm pregnant."

"Um, okay, well, it's not mine, lady."

"Of course not, silly; I don't know you."

When I reached the car, I pulled out my phone and punched the 'Kenny' avatar for Charlie's phone in my contacts. It rang and rang and went to voicemail. I dialed again, getting the same result, so I left a message.

"Charlie, I'm on my way home and have great news. I love you, babe."

I pulled out of the parking lot and forced myself to concentrate on driving.

'Stay between the white lines. Keep your eyes focused. Watch out for traffic lights. Don't speed. Don't tailgate. OMG, I'm pregnant.'

Without thinking, I turned on the radio.

Iron Butterfly was playing.

"In a gadda da vida, honey

Don't you know that I'm lovin' you?"

I kept the beat with my hands on the steering wheel.

'We're pregnant! A baby, I hope it's a girl. Charlie wants a girl. Wow, twelve weeks, two weeks after he came home.'

My mood went from ecstatic to terrified.

'Three days after we made love, he freaked out, accidentally hit me, and was committed for almost a month. I have to stay positive.'

Traffic was moving reasonably well, and the song's end was winding down before I knew it. Almost immediately, another tune came on the radio. By then, I was happy again.

"Should've stayed, were there signs I ignored?"

'Not again. Never mind, it's not going to ruin my mood.'

"Can I help you not to hurt anymore?"

'Charlie obsesses about this song because the singer's first and middle name is the same as his, except they're switched, and he was called Chester.'

"We saw brilliance when the world was asleep,"

My good mood was bleeding out, and I grabbed my phone.

'I need to call him again.'

"There are things that we can have but can't keep."

'Pick up, Charlie. Answer your fucking phone.'

I beeped my horn and yelled, "Speed limit is 45, dick head."

"If they say,

Who cares if one more light goes out?"

'Please be in the bathroom, Charlie. You never take your phone in with you.'

"In a sky of a million stars,"

'Charlie wants to be like Chester, but I won't let him, cuz Chester is dead. Answer the phone.'

"It flickers, flickers."

"Put your fucking turn signal on, ass wipe."

"Who cares when someone's time runs out?"

"Shit, voicemail. The lights are GREEN, shithead. Gas is on the right, not in the middle, dick wad.'

"If a moment is all we are."

I hit his 'South Park' avatar again.

"We're quicker, quicker,"

'Pick up, Charlie. Please pick up.'

"Where'd you get your license, kid, K-Mart?"

"Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well, I do."

Another red light, and I stopped behind a Dodge charger. Charlie didn't answer.

"The reminders pull the floor from your feet,"

The light changed to green, and the Charger moved forward, 5 miles an hour under the speed limit. The following traffic light changed to yellow, and the charger braked hard to stop.

"In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh."

"Dammit, you asshole. If you drove the speed limit, we'd make this light."

"And you're angry, and you should be; it's not fair,"

"You have reached...."

"Just 'cause you can't see it doesn't mean it, isn't there."

I tried Charlie's number again. Tears were filling my eyes, and I was sobbing.

"If they say,"

Who cares if one more light goes out?"

"Hi, Tanya. Know what? I went to 'YouTube' and guess what song I found. Can you hear it?"

"In a sky of a million stars,"

"CHARLIE! Oh my God, you're al...."

It flickers, flickers."

"No one else cares about me. I can make all my pain go away, like Chester."

"Who cares when someone's time runs out?"

"I care. I love you. I'm three minutes away. Promise me you'll wait until I hold you in my arms. Promise me, Charlie."

"If a moment is all we are."

"Why? You'll call 911 and get me committed again."

"We're quicker, quicker."

He's not screaming; Charlie sounds peaceful. That's not good.

"You threw that knife at me. I was scared."

"""

Who cares if one more light goes out?"

"Charlie, baby, I have really, really good news."

"Well, I do."

Silence.

"Who cares if one more light goes out?"

"Charlie?"

"In a sky of a million stars."

"Charlie? Charlie? Talk to me."

"It flickers, flickers."

"Do you remember how happy I was when you walked off that airplane, and I jumped into your arms? You almost fell on your ass, but the Sergeant behind you held you up."

"Who cares when someone's time runs out?"

"Why are you doing this? I need to make the pain go away?"

"If a moment is all we are,"

"Charlie? If you do this, you'll kill all three of us because I can't live without you."

"We're quicker, quicker,"

"Three?"

"Who cares if one more light goes out?"

"You, me, and the baby. We're pregnant, Charlie."

"Well, I do."

"Bbbbb, baby?"

"Well, I do."

"Baby. You're going to be a dad. But I can't do it without you. So you have to choose, to stay or go?"

Another song started playing, but I couldn't hear it.

"I'm, oh, this is nuts, me a dad. How many? I mean, how long? When did it happen?"

"Twelve weeks; it had to be that day we did it in your mom's basement on that pile of dusty carpets."

"And Mom caught us when we went to my room and asked why you had dust all over your back."

"And we took a shower together and made love again. We were happy that day, full of love, and our baby was conceived on a happy, loving day. Don't you want to stay and get to hold your baby?"

"Okay, yeah, I guess, wow, a baby, our baby. Maybe we should look into joining that therapy group at the VA."

"I'm in the parking lot. I'll be in your arms in one minute."

"I'm scared, Tanya. I don't think I can handle this."

"Well, I do, Charlie, I do."

***

For readers unfamiliar with alternative rock bands from the last twenty-five years, the song is 'One More Light' by Linkin Park, the last song they recorded with their lead singer, Chester Bennington, who committed suicide in 2017. His wife is Talinda Bennington.