All Comments on 'A New Office Jade Ch. 01'

Will Bern do just the boss properly, or Lisa and some others as well?

There should be no question, please continue.

But get a copy editor. The grammatical errors distract from a good story.

I have to agree you really need an editor or at least a proofreader. Either way it was a fun read and I hope you keep up the good work.

The first thing I noted that took me out of the storyline was that Bern had called home to Diane to inform her of his later-than-usual arrival. So it appears to me that he is coming home about the time expected. So I am surprised to find the Literotica trope of the strange-car-in-the-driveway (in the street, in this case ) with the wife (fiancee, in this case) engaging in sex with a stranger. (I have no problem with the trope, but it does not seem to fit here.) Isn't she expecting Bern within this approximate time-frame?

To me, it just did not fit (an anamoly) and left my mind wondering about it as the story proceeded-- and did not give any explanation for this seeming anamoly.

A little past halfway on page one (after the 4th line of stars), Dahlia opined:

"This one guy kept her business running more than the sales of designs or of the sales of clothes at the moment."

Incredulity temporarily halted my concentration on the story.

Their very business is the design and sale of clothing -- and a guy who does none of that, but rather is an accoutrement (although essential), is more important to keeping her business running???

To me this is a case of overplaying to aggrandize the main character -- making it seem more contrived than real.

In general the atmosphere of the language in this story seemed to me to be quaint and somewhat formal, as opposed to current, down-to-earth, everyday language.

Three examples follow.

On page 2, just before the line of stars, Dahlia harangues Diane with insults and "vocal detritus."

What???

Looking it up, confirmed my idea of the meaning of detritus:

"waste or debris of any kind."

Was Dahlia wasting words?

Even if the meaning were appropriate (which it is not), this seems to be a case of the author using pretentious language. Unfortunately, more instances of pretentious language could be cited.

(parenthesis)

In contradistinction to this last cited anamoly, the very next paragraph says,

"Bernard reached his palatial estate that was half the size of his former house."

This is an excellent example of the use of sarcasm or irony.

(end parenthesis)

Another phrase that interrupted my train of thought while reading is included in this sentence from maybe 3/4 into page 2:

"the fact that the wonder hadn't worn off was a nice discourse of thought."

Since I had the idea of "discourse" given by Merriam-Webster, "verbal interchange of ideas; especially : conversation," my mind got stuck on "discourse of thought." Was he talking/arguing with himself? That did not fit the context ("the new mouth swallowing his cock was still amazing").

Further research into the meaning of "discourse," yielded this from The Free Dictionary,

"1. Verbal expression in speech or writing: political discourse."

This definition MIGHT fit sinwizard's use (giving a speech to /talking to himself), but why not use a more down-to-earth term that might occur in non-pretentious day-to-day talk such as "a nice LINE (or, TURN) of thought"?

After the second line of stars on page 3,

the next two paragraphs contain 3 anomalies:

First, "jactitation" -- a word that does not occur in ordinary American conversation, and one totally unknown to me.

On the Internet, after wading through the original, archaic meaning of jactitation, I finally got to the derived, current (apparently non-archaic) meaning of "tossing to and fro or jerking and twitching of the body" (Merriam-Webster ),

or, more specifically, "restless tossing to and fro in acute illness" (Miller-Keane Encyclopedia of Medicine, Nursing, and Allied Health) -- which explained the terminology of sinwizard: "night of severe jactitation minus an illness."

The need to do all this digging by an educated man (I have 8 years of formal education past high school) demonstrates how far this story is away from "shirtsleeve English" (a term from Paul Harvey News).

Second, in the same paragraph (after after arriving in the office, and initial checking things),

"He had just (?) down, looked at the clock..."

Thirdly, in the next paragraph,

"Bern got to work and just (?) the work take him."

I assume that the missing words where I inserted (?) are:

sat

let

Other commenters rightfully cite the need for editing.

These are a couple of concrete examples.

Too many others could be cited.

In summary, this well-written (aside from editing problems) story has an interesting plot. Apparently, his fiancee was moved aside to provide interesting encounters with women who are practically drooling for him. Now that he is available, two have already made a move on him. Since there are 11 women at his workplace, and 4 chapters remaining, I am expecting a parade coming/cuming to him.

Sounds interesting!

Unfortunately, this great-for-Literotica plot is marred by too many anamolies, some of which are noted above.

In my opinion the most egregious is using pompous, highfalutin, pretentious vocabulary instead of the plainspoken, day-to-day, shirtsleeve English of the everyday people reading this story and featured in this story.

So I downrated it to 4 stars.

This chapter is prefaced with the notation :

Constructive criticism is welcome.

If sinwizard should alter this chapter, taking into account the anamolies mentioned in this comment, I suggest he delete this comment, since it would then be obsolete.

Paul in Oklahoma