A Reason to Stay Pt. 01

Steam rolls around us in hazy swirls. I squint at him. "I can't tell if you're playing, or you really are that dumb."

The quizzical, puppy-like expression he's wearing makes me snort so hard I almost choke on bath water.

"Dumb enough to miss all the signs that should've been obvious? Probably," he admits, looking genuinely deflated.

Unable to bear seeing him dejected, I wade even closer, my chest gently pressing against his. That perks him right up, his focus snapping out of whatever self-loathing reverie he's woven and re-centering on me.

"I mean," I explain, raising a hand to brush a stray lock of hair from his face, "this whole time I've been wishing you'd rail me senseless, but for some stupid reason we just kept trying to insult each other."

"Well, I can explain that," he says, suddenly serious. "Sort of."

I give Aed some side eye, hand falling back into the water with a tiny splash. "Oh? Can you now...do tell."

He looks mildly uncomfortable, which is how I know that whatever he's about to say is the absolute, unadulterated truth. I brace myself for the other shoe to drop. Clearly, all of this has been too good to be true.

Aed clears his throat. "Right. So...the thing is, all Mentors are taught about, um, 'carnal acts' in private."

I raise both eyebrows at him. This was not what I was expecting in the slightest.

"And uh..." he continues, scratching the back of his head and sending water cascading everywhere, "well, they basically teach us that if we do anything sexual with someone who doesn't have a Mentor's training, that person will die."

I can't help it. I lose it. I'm howling, head thrown back in mirth, laughter bouncing off the echoey bathhouse walls. By the time I catch my breath, all I can say is, "I'm sorry, but why the fuck would anyone believe that?"

He has enough pride to look reasonably indignant. "We were young when we were taught! We didn't know any better. Besides, there was the one time..."

I am begging him with every fiber of my being to spill the tea.

"There was one time," he forges on, "when I, um, did the thing with my mouth to a girl who wasn't a Mentor and she kind of, sort of...well, passed out."

I am truly fighting for my life, holding back tears as best I can.

"No, seriously!" he swears, "I thought she was dead! It was one of the worst moments of my life. You have no idea."

Thinking back on it, I have to give credit where credit is due. Whatever the hell he did with his tongue was nothing short of supernatural. I could see how someone might literally pass out from the sheer force of such an unprecedented orgasm. I know I nearly did.

Aed is looking at me like he's awaiting judgment day. I imagine him younger, more naïve and trusting, thinking he had just murdered a girl via oral sex. I picture him swearing never to endanger anyone else again and to be the perfect Mentor he needed to be. Softening, I push up against him even more to ease his anxiety, wrapping my arms around his neck and dousing him with warm, fragrant water.

"You're sweet for worrying about her," I murmur, "and for worrying about me, for all the times you worried about me."

I distinctly remember, not too long ago, when I woke up at my desk to find his alarmed expression hovering over me. All the pieces start falling in place, forming the bigger picture that has eluded me for so long. It must have been harrowing for him, monitoring his every move, calculating every risk. Mentors, afterall, only possess the illusion of freedom; in truth, they are probably more oppressed than Outsiders and students combined. How badly he must have wanted to throw caution to the wind when he found that I could defy convention over and over with impunity. How hard he tried to keep me at bay so neither of us would fall. And how much he must have regretted it, even for a moment, when he came through my window and found me unconscious.

"Worrying is one thing," Aed mumbles back, lost in the blissfulness of my fingers running through his wet hair. "Loving you, Jezia, is entirely another."

I freeze. He freezes. We stare at each other in stunned, mutual silence. But before he can take anything back, I'm rising from the water, smothering any potential regret with a long, ardent kiss. He catches me without thinking, arms folding around me in a way that is as second nature as breathing. I find myself nestled so perfectly against him that I can't imagine myself fitting anywhere else.

"Well, Aedin," I whisper back. "It's been an absolute bitch loving you, too."

When we make love again, it's slower, softer. And when we make love a thousand more times in the future, we only grow deeper into one another. For the first time since arriving here in this awful, sterile place, I give up on any real attempt to leave.

I've finally found a reason to stay.