A Road Trip Fantasy Pt. 06

Catherine looked back with a challenging light in her eyes. "Yes, Celeste. I've always loved that name since I was little."

Aaron said no more, but when Jen looked back at him, his pallid complexion and glassy eyes shocked her. From the toys and high chair, they had both known Catherine had a baby. What had affected him so much? Instead of continuing to see Celeste close up, Jen stepped back to Aaron and laid a hand on his arm.

Catherine stood for a second more, defiance flaring in her eyes at Aaron, though Aaron's seemed focused on Celeste or perhaps on something or someone only he could see. "Well, let's go have lunch then." Catherine swept passed followed by Perrine.

"Are you okay?" Jen asked.

Aaron blinked and shook his head. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'll tell you later." He pulled her to him in a tight embrace. "I love you, Jen. Sorry about this."

"I love you too."

Arm in arm they joined the others in the dinning room. By the time they got there, Catherine had buckled Celeste into her chair and moved it up to the table between her seat and Perrine's who bustled about the kitchen preparing some baby food.

Seeming to have mastered his emotions, Aaron pulled out Jen's chair for her and then joined them at the table. "Congratulations, Cathy. I had no idea you were pregnant." His voice still sounded forced.

"That's okay. I wasn't sure how to tell you anyway. I didn't know how you would take it after everything." Cathy was busy fastening a bib around Celeste.

"So how old is she?" Jen asked.

Not done needling, Cathy arched her eyebrows. "Well, Aaron's the pediatrician. How old do you think she is?"

Aaron gave a little eye roll and contemplated Celeste over his glass of lemonade. "Maybe five or six months I'd guess."

"Ooh, I am impressed. She just turned five months. I guess you are good at what you do."

Half of him regretting coming and the other wishing it were a hard lemonade, Aaron just took another sip of his drink.

"My niece is nine months," Jen said. "They are just so cute at this age. How is she sleeping for you?"

Cathy shook her head. "Still waking once at night."

"My sister says Anna just started sleeping through the night. She used to think three AM was playtime."

By then, Perrine returned with a bowl of some mixed vegetables for Celeste which Catherine began to offer to the excited infant.

"So Perrine, you were Cathy's nanny?" Aaron asked. He was reaching across to spoon some of the cut fruit onto his plate while Jen served out some salad.

The lines on the older woman's face spread into a deep smile. "Oh yes, Catherine and Michael were both such darlings. I took care of them until they went to Kindergarten." Her English still had a faint French accent that decades of living in the United States had failed to erase. "That was so many years ago, but when I heard Catherine had a baby of her own, I knew I needed to come out of retirement and help where I could."

"Yes, Perrine has just been a godsend," Cathy said. "Mom comes by some to help out, but there's only so much she can or wants to do." She laughed. "It made interviewing for an au pair so much easier when I remembered her from a little girl."

In his head, Aaron attempted to calculate the math, but with Jen next to him and the suddenness of this all, he was having difficulties thinking straight. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone."

"I'm not."

"So it's just you, Celeste, and Perrine?"

Catherine said nothing as she nudged another spoonful into Celeste's mouth. After that bite, she ceded feeding duties to Perrine and rotated to face Aaron. "Sperm donor Aaron."

He blinked in surprise. "Oh."

"Is that so shocking?" Cathy sighed and looked to Jen who had been trying to keep her face blank during the exchange while she ate her salad. "As a mid-thirties, divorced, black, professional woman, I'm in the shallow end of the dating pool now." She ran a hand to smooth down her hair.

"I've always known I wanted a baby, even after the miscarriage." Here her eyes darted to Aaron in rebuke and then back to Jen. Maybe Aaron needed to hear this, it was his withdrawal that had really doomed their marriage in Catherine's mind, but somehow she felt compelled to explain her decision to this woman she had never met. Was that looking for sympathy or just trying to justify herself? She had wondered when she invited Aaron and Jen here and still could not be sure. "By the time I found myself a new Mr. Right and dated and fell and love and got married, my window of opportunity might have closed. I thought about it for a year or so and did my research. I didn't make the final decision until my mom got sick. I wanted her to have a chance to be a grandma. With no Mr. Right in sight, I decided it was time." She shrugged. "And so here we are."

"And so lucky we all are to have you," Perrine cooed to Celeste and gave her another spoon of food.

Aaron cleared his throat. "I'm glad you got the daughter you were looking for, Cathy. You'll be a good mother."

"Thank you, Aaron," Cathy said. She raised her glass to Aaron and Jen. "I'm glad that you found someone to make you happy again." Her eyes turned to Jen. "Despite divorcing him, I think you've made a good catch. I wish you both all the happiness in the world."

Aaron raised his glass up. "And I wish the same for you and Celeste."

Jen's joined Aaron's. "Me too. To happiness."

"To happiness," they all said and tapped glasses. Perrine joined with her glass of water, and even Celeste shouted though that may have been because no one was feeding her.

For the next few minutes, everyone ate in silence. Jen split a sandwich with Aaron, and they swapped glasses to try the different drinks. To Jen that restored a semblance of normalcy to them, but she could tell Aaron still lingered away from her, but maybe that was just her own paranoia about her lovers' exes.

Curiosity made Jen break the oppressive silence. "If you don't mind me asking, how does that work? Choosing a donor, I mean."

"Not easily it turns out." Catherine set down her fork and dabbed her lips. "They have a catalog and you can enter all the physical characteristics you want and education, profession, and all that good stuff. They even had pictures of them as babies and kids. Then there was a section for artwork or poems or artsy things like that to give you a sense of the person. They even have staff reviews and comments about the guys — funny, quiet, moody, outgoing — things like that. It was a little overwhelming. I mean why wouldn't everyone just pick six-four, Olympian, Rhodes scholar, Supreme Court Justice, right?" She laughed at that. "I guess his was all sold out that day."

"What if you decide you want anther child? Do they have a whole supply or do you have to pick someone else?"

Catherine shrugged. "They sell you extra to save for later if you want, and they say they'll send you a message if your guy's supply gets low. Why?" She cupped a hand over the side of her mouth like she was trying to make sure Aaron could not hear her. "Has he started shooting blanks?"

Jen averted her eyes and covered her mouth to hide her snort of laughter. She could feel her cheeks burn and from the corner of her eye see the red on Aaron's cheeks. It served her right for asking the probing questions though.

"Thanks, Cathy," Aaron said.

At the same time, Jen said, "We're not trying yet."

The warmth of Aaron's hand folding over hers made her look at him. "Someday," he said with a wink.

"Someday, but not right now." She squeezed his fingers back.

The remainder of the lunch passed in reasonable peace. The talk stayed superficial after that: how's your job doing, how are your parents, what about that weather.

Jen watched Aaron steal glances at Celeste. She was darling at that age where children are just starting to interact with other people in the world, smiling and cooing and calling for attention, and Aaron's job revolved around kids. Jen wondered how much he was thinking of his own lost child when he looked at Celeste's bright eyes and chipmunk cheeks. Jen wanted to reach out and pinch those cheeks herself.

After lunch, they retired to the family room. Catherine consented to Jen carrying Celeste over, and Jen got her chance to give those cheeks a gentle pinch. Catherine took some pictures of Jen with Celeste and Aaron hovering next to them. She texted them to Aaron and asked for Jen's number to send them to her too. Aaron was reluctant to take Celeste when Jen offered, but agreed. His eyes still seemed unfocused like he was seeing someone from a past life. She cajoled Catherine and Aaron together to take a picture of the three of them.

Jen regarded the picture with Catherine's dark smiling face, Aaron's pale dazed expression, and Celeste somewhere in between. Interesting that Catherine must have chosen a white sperm donor because there was no doubt that Celeste was mixed. Maybe there were too few black donors to choose from. Of course, Catherine had married a white man, and so maybe that had influenced her preference in fathers.

Driving up to Catherine's house, Jen had felt nervous about this meeting. The lunch date had its share of tension at the beginning, and Jen knew that Aaron had been on edge and distant through most of the meal. Looking at the three in the picture though pointed out exactly what she had been trying to ignore the entire time in a way she could not deny.

Jen forced a smile on her face and turned as if concentrating on her phone, maybe a text or just forwarding the picture. Instead, she opened the pregnancy dating app she used daily in the hospital. Working backwards from birthdate instead of last menstrual period, Jen's fingers shook as she spun the wheel. Then she closed her eyes tight. "Excuse me. I'm just going to use the restroom." She heard the tremble in her voice, but Aaron did not.

*****

Aaron and Jen took their leave thirty minutes later. Celeste needed a nap after a big lunch and an exciting day of visitors. Aaron maintained a superficial presence but was withdrawn underneath. Jen had a stomach ache.

As she had on the drive in, Jen stared out the passenger window on the journey back to the 5. Aaron merged into the moderate traffic and found his way over to the carpool lane before she spoke. "So what were you going to tell me?" She spoke to her pale reflection in the glass.

"Huh?" Aaron had been lost in his own thoughts.

"When Cathy introduced Celeste in the hallway, I asked what was wrong, and you said you'd tell me later." She half-turned toward him. "So what affected you so much? Were you just surprised?"

Aaron ran a hand through his hair. "When Cathy was pregnant back when we were married, if it had been a boy, he was going to be Alexander. If it had been a girl, she was going to be Celeste." The hand moved down to rub at his nose. "Hearing her stick with that name hurt."

"Was it a boy or girl?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to know." His throat bobbed with a swallow.

Cars crawled backwards outside Jen's window for another minute. She turned to watch his profile. "Celeste's your daughter, isn't she." Not a question, a fact.

Aaron's mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air on the dock.

"Oh god, Aaron." Jen drew up her knees and buried the heels of her hands into her eyes before throwing her head back. "The fact that you're not even trying to object speaks volumes."

"I am so sorry, Jen. I am so, so sorry. You were right. I never should gone to help her out." He stole a glance at her but could not hold her gaze in the traffic. His eyes might reflect the same anguish she felt, but Jen would not give him that allowance. "I should have listened to you." His voice broke on that sentence, and he had to swipe at his eyes. "She might be. I don't know. I couldn't do the math."

Reaching into her purse, Jen produced her phone. "Well, I did. Catherine said she was five months old." She began tapping on screen and spinning the virtual pregnancy wheel. "That means she was born end of April or early May which, depending on how close to her due date she was, conception was early August." She held up the phone for Aaron to see though too quickly for him to even digest the data on the screen. "Right when we had that fight, and you went to see Cathy."

"I screwed up, Jen. I'm sorry."

"You certainly screwed something." Jen slumped back into her seat with her head shaking back and forth. Outside her window, traffic shifted as Aaron pulled out of the carpool lane. "What are you doing?"

"Pulling over so we can talk."

"No, don't pull over. Take me home."

"Jen, we need to talk." He moved over another lane.

"Do not pull over. Just drive."

"Jen."

"Aaron, if you pull over, I am getting out of this car, and I don't think I'll be able to get back in." The sobs overtook her. "Just take me home."

She recoiled from his comforting hand, but heard him whisper, "Okay." Beneath her, the car accelerated back into traffic toward the fast lane. When his hand tried to touch her again, she let it rest on her leg.

After another few miles, she allowed herself to cover it with her own. Out of the corner of her tear blurred eyes, she saw him look in her direction. His cheeks looked almost as wet as hers.

They did not speak for the hour drive home.

No sooner did Aaron park the car in the garage than Jen jumped out and headed inside leaving him to deal with their suitcase. When he found her upstairs, she was packing her toiletries and a change of clothes into a travel bag. "I'm going to my parents," she said.

He reached out to touch her shoulder. "Jen, please, we need to talk."

Spinning away from him, she went to the dresser for socks and underwear. "No, Aaron, I can't talk right now. I need some space."

He slumped down on the foot of the bed, a forlorn puppy. His eyes weighed on her when he followed her downstairs. "Jen, don't go like this. Talk to me."

Meeting his eyes hurt, and she could only do it for a moment. She ran a hand over his chest enjoying the feel of him, maybe for the very last time. "I'm not calling off the engagement. I'm not breaking up with you. I just need some time to think. You do too. You're a father, Aaron." She leaned in and hugged him and let his arms encircle her. His strength and warmth buoyed her despite everything. "We made a promise. Don't call me tonight, but I'll answer you if you call in the morning."

"Okay, Jen. Remember, I love you more than anything."

She pushed away from him. "I know, Aaron. I love you too. I just don't know if that's enough right now." Forcing herself to look at him, his storm troubled eyes became a kaleidoscope of shapes in her own tears. She resisted the urge to run to her car, but it was a near thing.

Down the block, she could make him out in the rear view mirror watching her drive away until she turned the corner.

*****

"Thanks for ambushing me," Aaron said as soon as Catherine picked up the phone.

"Well, it's nice to talk to you too. What exactly is your problem?"

"Do you need a list?"

"I just had you over for lunch and made nice with your fiancé, so I guess I do need a list of what I've done so wrong."

"You didn't tell me you were pregnant —"

Catherine interrupted him. "Which was none of your business."

"With my daughter."

"No, Aaron, Celeste's father was a sperm donor, no more, no less."

"Oh, come off it, Cathy. I did the math. Hell, Jen did the math. Celeste is my daughter, and you never told me."

"So now the real reason comes out. You're upset because your fiancée suspects you aren't so pure and noble, and you're going to take it out on me."

"You flaunted it right in front of our faces. You don't breath a word of it for more than a year, and then out of the blue you invite us over all cryptic and drop this bombshell in our laps. What did you expect to happen?"

"Maybe for you to be happy for me?" Her voice was sharp at first, but then she sighed. "I made a decision that I wanted a baby. I found a donor, got pregnant, had a baby, and am raising her with the help of my family. You are engaged to another woman and living your own life. We're divorced. I do not have to tell you anything. The only reason I told you now was because I was afraid you'd bump into someone up here who knew me."

When he spoke, Aaron no longer sounded angry, just sad. "So you were going to keep my daughter from me?"

"I told you, Aaron. I used a sperm donor."

"Come off it, Cathy. We slept together and nine months later you gave birth."

"I told you, I had been planning this for a long time. Once Mom got out of the hospital, I decided I needed to go for it. It's a coincidence, nothing more."

"I don't believe you."

"Not my problem. Anyway, if you were so concerned about getting me pregnant, maybe you should have used a condom or pulled out or not climbed into my bed in the first place."

"You invited me in."

"But I wasn't dating anyone at the time. You were."

The silence hung there.

Catherine broke it. "I told both of you her father is a sperm donor. It's not my fault you chose not to believe me and then confessed to an affair."

"I couldn't lie to her."

"They say the truth shall set you free. If you were going to tell it, maybe you should have told it earlier. I'm a lawyer though, not a therapist. You made your bed, Aaron. Looks like you need to lie in it."

He hung up without another word.

*****

I just wanted to say goodnight, I love you, and I miss you.

Jen's phone displayed 10:36 when Aaron's text arrived. She tapped on the text and stared at it for a few seconds before closing the phone. He would know she had read it, and for now, that was all the acknowledgement she could give.

This felt so different from last time with Roger. Of course Roger had been cheating on her for six months or more while Aaron had only cheated the one time. That she knew of anyway. Roger had been defiant, Aaron contrite and sorrowful at the time and again when the truth came out.

Jen had loved Roger she supposed. She had thought that they might get married one day, but more because that was just what you did when you had been with someone long enough. At the time, she had just been drifting through life, mostly waitressing with no real ambition or drive. Even getting her medical assistant certificate had been a vague notion that Roger had never supported much. He just wanted her to keep waitressing, scamming free drink tickets for him, and picking up evening shifts ostensibly for the tips when really it just gave him a chance to step out on her with Liz.

These past two years, Aaron had supported her, encouraged her to try harder and succeed. He had never doubted in her ability to earn her nursing degree. He had talked her through the down times and been there to cheer for the good times. When she graduated, she could tell how happy he was for her and her accomplishments along the way.

If Roger had proposed, she supposed she would have been happy and excited, but when Aaron had proposed, she had wanted to shout it out to everyone she met. That vacation in Venice had been some of the happiest days of her life. Every morning since coming back to San Diego and moving in with him, she woke with a smile on her face and plans for endless happy days ahead until today.

Aaron had cheated, but then again, that same weekend he had strayed, Jen had walked into another man's apartment with every intention of having sex with him. She had almost ended up cheating that weekend even after she changed her mind and backed out.

Sleep did not come easy to Jen in a bed that was no longer her bed, in a room that was no longer her room, in a home that was no longer her home. A year and a half of being away had broken that habit. Six months of sharing a king sized bed made her old twin bed that had traveled with her to Omaha feel small and cold. She tossed and turned that night. Feeling a little embarrassed despite being alone in her room, she pulled a battered, graying teddy bear from the shelf and squeezed the old friend tight to her chest while tear drops moistened her pillow and the bear's fur.