A Road Trip Fantasy Pt. 06

Somehow the morning light brought clarity even if the sleep had been fitful. Yes, it was different this time. Aaron loved her, and she loved him.

Her phone tweedled. Morning. Just checking in. I love you. Please call.

Aaron would be leaving for work soon. She knew he would already have been up for an hour or so, but he had waited and let her sleep or maybe hoped she would reach out to him.

Instead of calling, she texted back. Just waking up. Give me a little more time. I promise I'll call later. Have a good day at work.

His reply came back in seconds. Take all the time you need. I'll wait as long as it takes.

By the time Jen made it downstairs, her father had headed out for the morning. Her mom had out some fruit and boxes of cereal on the table. The smell of coffee permeated the kitchen.

"Good morning, honey," Julie Lee said. "Want me to cook some eggs?"

Jen stopped by the coffee pot to pour herself a cup. "No thanks. Cereal and fruit is good." She added a dash of creamer from the fridge and a teaspoon of sugar before sitting down at the table.

Julie sat down opposite her and sipped her own coffee. "So are you ready to talk about it?"

Last evening, Jen had shown up with little explanation, just that she and Aaron needed a little space. Her father had not tried to pry, only gave her a hug. Her mother had prodded a few times, but Jen insisted she needed some time to think first. Twenty minutes later, Rebecca called. "What did he do?" her sister had asked without preamble when Jen answered.

That had brought a smile to Jen's lips. Rebecca always stood in her corner. Mom and Dad were supportive, but Mom had implied that somehow Jen might have caused the rift. Rebecca never made that assumption. Still, Jen declined to give any specifics. Last night especially, she just need to contemplate the options, implications, and repercussions of the day's revelations.

This morning, although her head felt clearer, she was not ready to let her mother in on the details. "Not really." Jen's shoulders shook in a deep sigh. "The reunion was fine, and we had a good time with his friends. We saw his ex-wife yesterday though. She has a baby girl now. Everything was superficial okay but fell apart by the end, and Aaron and I had a fight on the way home." She looked up from the cup of coffee gripped in her hands. "We both just need a little time right now to regroup and think."

"Serious fight then?" Julie regarded her daughter over the steam off her own mug.

"Well, a fight implies we disagreed, and I actually think we agree, but serious enough: communication and trust."

"Those two are very important in a relationship. Has this been an ongoing problem between you two?"

Jen shook her head. "And there's some fault on both sides. I just need to clear my head and decide what I want before I go back."

"You know you can stay here as long as you need." Julie reached across and patted her daughter's hand.

"Thanks, Mom. I have the day off today. I'll head back this evening once he gets off work, and we'll talk it out."

The two women spent a quiet morning together. Jen helped with a little gardening. Around lunch they went of a light lunch followed by grocery shopping.

The entire morning, images of Aaron and Celeste kept popping into Jen's mind. Well, Aaron and a little girl who sometimes resembled Celeste but was four or five years old or sometimes had more of Jen's features. A few times the images were of Aaron and Catherine which hurt and made her angry at once, but each time were followed by images of her and a certain neighbor which conjured up equal amounts of fear and shame.

She played out shifting conversations with Aaron in her mind. They ranged from Aaron telling her he was moving to Irvine to remarry Cathy and be Celeste's father to Aaron throwing himself at Jen's feet and begging her to forgive him. Anyway she analyzed it though, Aaron had new obligations that altered their relationship. She cupped the ring on her necklace and held it tight. What was he going to say to her when she came home? What would she say to him?

Jen and her mother were walking across the grocery store parking lot when Jen's phone rang its generic ringtone, not Aaron, her family or any of her closest friends. The area code was wrong, but the number seemed familiar. She almost turned it off, but instead hit answer and held the phone to her ear. "Hello."

"Hi, Jen? This is Catherine Deschamps. Do you have a couple of minutes for us to talk?"

Of course, she had exchanged pictures with Catherine after lunch yesterday. That was why the number looked familiar and why Catherine had her number.

Jen and her mother were almost at the store entrance. "I'll catch up," she said to her mom.

"If this is a bad time, I can call back later," Catherine said in her ear.

"No, it's okay," Jen said. "I'm just running errands with my mom. Honestly, later I'm not sure if I'll pick up."

"Understood. Thanks for giving me the time."

Jen found a bench and sat down leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. "What do you want, Cathy?"

"Look, Jen, I feel a little responsible here, and I'm sorry for that. I felt like I'd been keeping Celeste a secret, and at some point that's not fair to her. I could have let Aaron and you know a little more tactfully."

"Okay." Jen did not know what to say.

"I want you to know though, that everything I said about sperm donors and my decision to have a baby was true. I'd been thinking and planning for a least a year when my mom got sick," Catherine said. "One of the problems with getting sperm from a stranger is that you really don't know what you're getting. I mean how many supposed smart professionals have you met that are complete jerks? I'm sure you know plenty of docs like that, and I know plenty of lawyers or judges like that. Plenty of my clients too."

"That's true." Jen's voice sounded distant to her own ears.

Catherine would have continued without any input from Jen's side. "And why are these guys donating? Maybe they're honestly altruistic or going through hard times and need some cash; that's fine I suppose. But how many of them are doing it for an ego thing, imagining they're knocking up a bunch of women or just wanting dozens of mini-mes running around in the world?"

"I never thought about that."

"Well, I did," Catherine said. "I began wondering if I knew anyone I could ask to donate so I would know what they were really like. Even though Aaron and I didn't work out and I sometimes want to reach out and bitch slap him, he's a good person, and he'll be a good dad someday. His name came to the top of my list, but I knew I couldn't ask him."

Jen wanted to interrupt or hang up, but she just sat listening.

On the other end of the phone, Catherine barreled on. "When my mom got sick, by the time Aaron came up the next morning, I already knew she was going to fine, and I realized this was an opportunity. I was married to the man for long enough. Maybe you two are still in the drop-your-pants-every-time-you're-alone-together stage, but I bet you know how to work your man. You know just what to say or do to put him in the mood. Well, I spent the whole day pushing his buttons."

"What are you trying to say, Catherine?"

"Look, Jen, I know he told you we slept together that weekend. I'm sorry. It was nothing personal about you, it was about me getting what I wanted. After that night, I have no designs on getting him back."

"So Aaron is Celeste's dad." It was no longer a question for Jen.

"I never said that. Celeste's dad was a sperm donor, period."

"So why are you telling me this?"

"I feel a little guilty now for messing you two up. You're cute together. He's happy. I'm happy for him. Yes, he could have kept his pants zipped, but I didn't make it easy on him. I hope by telling you this, you might cut him some slack."

"What happens when Celeste grows up and wants a dad? What are you going to do then?"

Catherine snorted. "I hope to find one for her between now and then. If not, we'll manage. She's got her Uncle Michael, and I have plenty of friends. She'll have lots of support."

"And what about Aaron? What if he wants to be a dad to her? What if he wants to get back together with you and make a family?" Jen sat there with the phone to her ear. The silence lasted long enough that she thought maybe Catherine had hung up on her.

A sigh broke through. "Aaron and I are over with. We're not good together. He needs to make his own family if he wants one. I have mine already." A few heart beats passed. "If he's lucky, you'll let him make that family with you, Jennifer."

Jen swallowed hard and breathed out a gulp of air. "Thank you for calling, Catherine."

"Thank you for listening to me. Good-bye, Jen."

"Good-bye, Cathy."

Five minutes slipped by before Jen got up to find her mother in the store.

*****

The lights shown bright out of the front door window while the curtains dimmed the light from upstairs when Jen opened the garage door to pull inside. Just before the garage door blocked her view, the upstairs lights winked out.

Aaron opened the front door for her when she approached. "Hey." His arms spread in hopes of a hug, but tension lines streaked his face.

"Hey," Jen answered, and as much because it seemed cruel not to as because she wanted to, she stepped into his arms and hugged him back.

His chest pressed against her with its thudding heart inside, and his chin rested on her shoulder. "I love you, Jen. I missed you."

Jen let her head fall against his shoulder. "I missed you too," she said into his neck.

When they released each other, he slipped her bag from her hand. She closed the front door. Warm umami aromas permeated the downstairs. The kitchen table was set for two with tall candles glowing in the center.

Jen sighed at the sight. "Oh, honey, we need to talk."

He set her bag down on the second step. "I know, but we need to eat too."

"Talk first then."

"Okay." Aaron came back to take her hand and led her to the couch.

They sat down facing each other.

Jen closed her eyes and squeezed his hands. His return squeeze felt reassuring. "I've been thinking a lot last night and today," she said when she opened her eyes. "I think I need to hear what you have to say first though."

He nodded. "Fair enough." His smile was wary. "I love you, Jen. You are the most important person in my life. I made a mistake, a really terrible mistake, and I am so sorry for that."

When no comment came from her, he swallowed hard. "I wish I had an explanation, but I don't. Some of it was wine, but mostly I think it was old habits, and being lonely and upset and just plain stupid. It only happened that one time, and I regretted it immediately. I've spent every day since then trying to make up for it. I'm not sure I ever will."

He scratched at his head. His eyes kept darting here and there, but he forced himself to keep coming back to her eyes. "I should have told you when I flew out to see you, definitely before I asked you to marry me, but I was scared of losing you. I was hoping I could bury it all in the past and forget about it. That was stupid."

"I guess it was," Jen said. "What now?"

"I hope that you can forgive me, and we can move on together like we planned."

"What about your daughter?"

He closed his eyes and sighed, shifted on the couch, ran a hand through his increasingly disheveled hair. "You're still my number one priority no matter what. If Celeste is my daughter, I have an obligation to her too, but so far, Cathy's sticking with the sperm donor story. Maybe it's her way of putting me in my place, or maybe it's her way of letting me off the hook. Hell, maybe she's even telling the truth, and Celeste's not my daughter. I don't really know." He gave her the puppy dog eyes and the forlorn smile to match. "I do know that whatever happens, Cathy and I will never be a thing again. I'm hoping you and I still can."

"What does that look like if Celeste is your daughter?"

"I want you and I to make that decision together. We're a team," he said.

Jen kept her face blank, forcing him to continue.

"I'm just thinking out loud here. There's no great options. If Cathy never admits I'm Celeste's father, then nothing happens. I guess I could take her to court to try and prove paternity, but that just seems like a no win situation. If Celeste is my daughter, we can stay like we are, and I can drive up to visit Celeste on weekends or have her come down here when she gets older. If I want to be more involved, we probably need to move farther north so I can be closer to her. That'll might mean looking for new jobs for both of us."

"And moving away from my family," Jen said. She had known that would be on the table, that Aaron might pick up and move to be close to his daughter. Irvine and San Diego were not that far apart, but if Jen followed him, she would miss her parents, her sister, her niece, even her brother. She had done that for a year, and it had been hard, but there had always been a goal, an end in sight. This would be a move with no plan of return.

"I know that would be hard on you." Aaron stroked her shoulder. "I don't want to do that to you. With Cathy's stance right now, that's not really on the table anyway."

Jen looked away from him. "But someday it might be."

"It might."

They sat quiet together. Jen avoided his eyes and tried to will the tears back inside that welled against her lids. She could feel his eyes on he.

"So, what do you say?" Their right hands had remained clasped all this time, and now his left returned to cover hers.

Her breath shuddered in her chest before she could bring herself to speak. "I love you too, and I don't want to lose you. It's hard though. It all hurts."

Aaron bowed his head. Pain looked back out at her when he was able to return her gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, and she knew it was to apologize again. She shook off his response.

"I'm probably just rationalizing, but if you already had a child when we met, that wouldn't have been a deal breaker. I might have been a little more careful, but I would have given us a chance." She wiped at the tears in her eyes. "If you'd had frozen sperm or embryos that Cathy used, or she just got you to donate for her, that would have been weird, but I think I could talk myself through that." She bowed her head for a few seconds and then looked back up. "This isn't the same, but it kind of is." A weak smile spread across her lips. "So yeah, I willing to stay here and work on it and give us a chance."

Aaron leaned in and drew her forehead to his. The gentle warmth of his hand cupped the back of her head. Jen reached up to hold his head. They sat there, foreheads touching, holding each other, and each crying and smiling at the same time. "Thank you, Jen. I'll make sure you don't regret this. I love you more than anything."

"I love you too, Aaron."

They wallowed in that odd mixture of pain, sadness, and relief.

"You know, it's not fair. You cheat and end up with a daughter, I almost did and..." Jen let her thought trail off and drew back from Aaron.

A puzzled looked came across his face, and then his brow furrowed. "And what?"

Jen stood up and walked over to the sliding glass doorway to their little courtyard. She peered out at the dark sky. Clouds obscured the stars, but the blurry glow of the moon shown through. "I never told you the whole story about Daniel."

The couch creaked as Aaron shifted his weight. "What happened, Jen?"

She leaned against the wall next to the door, her back still to him. Her reflection in the glass stared back at her, its eyes vacant. "It was that weekend we had our fight. Daniel was this guy in my complex. He was cute, worked out a lot, had a lot of women in and out of his apartment." Jen snorted. "That should have been a sign. He always took the time to say, 'hi.' We talked in the gym. He seemed nice. I could tell he was into me, and if it hadn't been for you, I might have been into him."

She heard Aaron stand and walk over behind her. His hand rested on her shoulder, just a slight warm pressure to show that he was there.

"Well, I saw him in the gym that weekend, and I told him how we'd fought, and basically, he offered me a shoulder to cry on, but really just said things to egg me on, get me madder at you." Jen let her fingers creep up to touch his on her shoulder. "He offered to take me for a bite to eat, to talk things over. Before we went though, he invited me up to his place for a drink." She cocked her head back to look past the eaves to the higher clouds.

"I accepted. I knew what I was getting into. I was attracted to him. He was attracted to me. I was mad at you, and I thought you were going to break up with me anyway."

His voice was a whisper. "I'm sorry, Jen."

"Don't be. I was being stubborn too." She gave him a half smile over her shoulder and then looked back outside. A shiver ran through her body as she thought about that afternoon. "We had a beer. We sat on his couch. We started kissing. I wanted to, I liked it, but it all felt wrong too. I pushed him away, but he wouldn't let me go."

"Oh, Jen." Aaron wrapped his arms about her waist and rested his head against hers.

"I was scared. He was stronger than me, but I fought back, and he let me go." She shook her head back and forth. "He was sooo angry. I was afraid he was going to come after me still, rape me. He yelled and said some nasty things, but then he told me to go, and I ran." Jen wiped another round of tears from her cheeks. Had she every cried this much in twenty-four hours? "I always locked all three locks on my door after that. He tried to make nice a few times, but I just avoided him."

"You should have told me, Jen."

"Why? Nothing actually happened. He just scared me. What would you have done? Gone and tried to beat him up?"

"No, but I would want to know. I'd want to try and, I don't know, help you, be there for you."

"That's hard when we were a couple of thousand miles apart."

He said nothing but hugged her tighter.

"Sorry, that wasn't fair, but none of this is anymore. It's ironic, isn't it? You cheat and get a child. I almost cheat and and just about get raped." She turned in his arms to face him. She ran one hand over his shoulder, the other along his cheek.

"It's all my fault, Jen. I never should have gone up to visit Cathy. You knew it was wrong, and I probably did too. If I had listened to you, we never would have fought, I wouldn't have cheated, and you wouldn't have wound up in Daniel's apartment." The puppy dog look melted away into defeat.

Jen leaned in and gave him a gossamer kiss across the lips. "Aaron, I forgive you. It's going to take some time to work this through, but I forgive you."

"Thank you." He pulled her tight back to him. "It might be harder to forgive myself."

Nestling her head into his neck, she returned the hug.

For the next five minutes, their hearts beat next to each other, their chests rose and fell in time, their tears dampened the collar of the other's shirt.

Rather than break the hug, Jen spoke into the hollow of his shoulder. "You are right though. We need to move."

"What?"

Now she did push away. "I don't have a home of my own. My parents' house isn't home anymore. When I moved in here, you did a great job of making space for me and welcoming me, but it's still your home. I'm in your place, not my own. I realized that this weekend. We need a space that's ours."

She watched his blue-grey eyes weigh her words and contemplate his possible responses. "Okay," he said. "I get that. We'll look for a place together."

"Somewhere with room to grow."