All Comments on 'A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 06'

dear Talyis,the simmering hatred between the very icy Tobias and the silently spirited and rebellious Mahin so awesome!! readers must be taking sides with him,or her.....:)

ecstasy as it is,to break a feisty and sprited stunner and have her melt in ones arms.....

i can hardly wait to know how you will build up the ultimate conquering and dominating of Mahin by Tobias !! Classy BDSM beckons....but our authoress,dont murder us with such high suspense ;) !! plz lead us to the fire soooooooon!!! :))

I try to be as constructive as I can when I make comments and I really want to like this story. The setup idea seemed really nice, two disfunctional people put together by a court order, ones an experienced dom the other a sub who doesn't know it yet. I've read through all 6 existing chapters and would like to put forth some points in regards to this story, some of it may sound a little mean so I preface this with the point that I wouldn't comment if I didn't think that the story had a lot of promise nor would I have read past the first chapter if your writing wasn't well flowing and enjoyable.

This problem is you've added one major issue into this story and that is Tobias (or how he's been developed). You see Tobias is abusive, controlling and in no ways sympathetic or likeable. He spends his entire time treating our female lead like crap, insulting her and making her work as a live in maid. He is in no way being punished for his behaviour which lead him here whilst making our female lead live in conditions that she would choose prison any day of the week (and it should be noted a much smaller sentence as community order are much longer sentences than custodial). To round that off by having no court oversight (no background checks for his stability, no regular visits by probabtion as we're having our first for a high profile a week in) and the probabtion officer have no issues with him wanting to watch her use the toilet, especially with her being so high profile.

These are major narrative issues that make the story come off like it's happening on mars because whilst the original premise is already unrealistic it is still viable as long as the characters are likable and so far you've managed to make one of them likable, purely by making her look good in comparison to her court ordered abusive captor. Take some time and slowly unwind your plot, maybe re-edit some of the earlier chapters into something more cohesive or give our resident ogre a major moment of clarity and character change.

That said, I understand that it is very difficult to write to a schedule, even more so when you aren't working with an already planned out framework. Furthermore I really do think behind some narrative issues and a few editing issues that you have a good imagination for bdsm training scenes and the ability to create something extremely enjoyable erotica. I hope my comments haven't disheartened you and that you continue to work on this project. Good luck :)

3/5 stars