A Smile in the Dark

I started grabbing more clothes and putting them in my bag.

"Just fucking stop!" she shouted

She stood up and walked up to me quickly, snatching my bag out of my hands and taking out my clothes, throwing them all over the room. She put her hands on top of her head and let out a long, frustrated groan.

"Just let me think for a second! Fuck Alex, you just told me you love me, I need a minute to process it!"

She was right and I felt juvenile at the realization. I just walked back to my bed and sat down quietly, awaiting her judgment. I owed her this. Even if she hated me now and only wanted to yell at me, she deserved the opportunity. It was selfish to try to leave and escape any kind of backlash from her.

"How long?" she asked as she sat back down beside me.

"I don't know. It wasn't just overnight, it happened over time.

"Well, when did you realize?"

"Towards the beginning of my senior year I realized that my feelings toward you were getting inappropriate. I started getting jealous when guys asked you out even though I knew you would turn them down. I felt sad whenever you weren't around. I stared at you too much and for too long. I felt just like all the other guys that you hated, I was so ashamed. I really wanted you to feel comfortable around me, to be able to have somebody to be with you that wasn't just interested in you in that way, you know? I hated that I couldn't be that person for you anymore."

"Just because you started liking me doesn't make you like all the other guys. They were only interested in sex. At the very least I know you weren't like that."

"Loving, not liking."

"What?"

"I love you, I don't like you."

"I don't know how to respond to that, Alex." She said meekishly.

"Yell at me more. Hit me again."

"Stop! Are you just trying to make me feel bad? I said I was sorry and I would never do that again. Please don't bring it up anymore."

"But I deserve it. I really do. I understand. I can tell you're mad at me, so just do it, okay? Just hit--"

She cut me off, but not with a hit. She pressed her mouth roughly against mine and softened, holding the kiss for a few seconds before we each pulled away.

We stared into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, she spoke again.

"At least now I know how to shut you up," she said with a hint of a smile.

"Why did you do that?"

"I don't know. You were freaking me out. I'd rather do that than hit you."

"So it didn't mean anything?"

"Oh, I don't know Alex. Do you have to find meaning in everything?" she whined.

"Sorry, you're right."

"Look, I didn't not mean it. And it was nice. But whatever this is, it's going way too fast okay. First you need to tell me what happened last night, the truth."

I looked down shamefully.

"I was just really feeling sorry for myself, okay? I got on my bike, got too reckless on the main roads, and a car hit me a bit. It wasn't a bad hit, I promise."

I looked back at her and her eyes were overflowing with tears.

"Hey, Jess, I swear I'm okay. Please don't cry."

"It's because of me, right? Because of what I said?" she choked out.

I didn't know how to respond to that. All I could do what stare at her dumbly.

"I mean I basically told you to kill yourself and then you put yourself in front of traffic like a fucking moron."

"I was just feeling lost, Jess. And I was drunk, and stupid. I didn't go out hoping to get hit but I thought that maybe if I did, it wouldn't be such a bad thing..." I said, trailing off toward my admission at the end.

"You have to understand Jess, it wasn't really what you said. This has been on my mind for a while. I hate myself for how I feel okay. There's only one thing I've wanted these last couple years and I know that I can never have it."

"So, it's still my fault, then?"

"What?"

"You hate yourself because of how you feel about me? Is it not my fault, then?"

"No, Jess, It's mine. I'm the one with a fucked up brain, okay? You... You're perfect. It's not your fault."

"Stop talking about yourself like that, okay? You're not fucked up."

"How can you say that, Jess? You know how I feel."

"It doesn't matter. You talking like that is exactly why you got hurt like this. You have to stop thinking that way."

She moved her hand onto my lap, comforting me. I appreciated the gesture but I couldn't get a read on her. I still had no idea how she felt about my admission. She managed to have a whole conversation with me and kiss me following my declaration of love for her and she somehow still had not shown her hand. It was driving me crazy, was there even a chance she could feel similarly about me?

"I don't get it Jess, please tell me something here. Do you hate me? Are you disgusted by me? Give me something please, I'm going crazy."

"Look, obviously I don't hate you. And it's not like I've never had similar thoughts about you. How could I not? We used to spend all of our time together, new students even mistook us for a couple all the time. I at least partly understand and maybe share how you feel a bit but this is crazy. Even if I said I love you too, right now, what would we do?"

Her last words triggered something in me and I couldn't look away from her intense gaze. We stayed like that for a short while, silent, unmoving. I leaned forward, desperate for her closeness. I didn't have the guts to try to kiss her in the moment so instead I rested my forehead against hers. I pressed my nose against hers and I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute in my chest.

"It can't work, what about mom? What about everyone we know? No one would approve." she breathed out.

Her breathing was getting erratic, it was obvious my closeness was having just as much an effect on her as it was on me.

"Forget about everyone else," I panted.

"What do you want, Jess? Tell me. Show me. Please."

I had barely gotten the last word out before she was kissing me in a frenzy. It was fast and messy, the adrenaline in our systems was obvious.

Her hands began running up and down my body and I winced as she ran her hand along my bruised side. She noticed this and instead moved her arms up and around my neck, pulling me in as we kissed.

After a while, our lips parted, but we kept our closeness. Her arms wrapped around my neck, my hands cupping her face. We slowly opened our eyes and stared at each other, panting to catch our breaths.

"Do you actually want this, Jess? I don't want to pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with."

"I do. I'm scared, but I do. I kissed you the first time because I thought if I did I could see how I felt about it. I've always loved you, Alex, but the physical side of it is scary to me. I mean you're my brother, I didn't know how I would feel about it."

"And it's okay? It doesn't bother you?"

"I... I don't know. It's weird, okay? I can tell you that it doesn't bother me, but it's not so much what I feel, Alex. You said forget about everyone else, but we can't do that. How could we be together without mom knowing? Without people at school, knowing? Is it worth it?"

"You're worth it to me, Jess. But you have to decide that for yourself."

I released her and started to stand up again.

"Wait, where are you going? I didn't say anything yet."

"I know, take your time. I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't live with myself if I rushed you into this and you did something that you'd regret. So just think about it, take all day. If you decide that this is worth it for you, knock on my door tonight and tell me. If it's not worth it for you, just don't come and I'll understand."

She had no words for me, only a slow nod of her head. With that, I slipped out of the room, making my way toward the bathroom.

***

I inspected my appearance in the mirror and cursed myself for admitting my feelings to Jess while possibly looking the worst I have ever looked. My face was noticeably scraped up, my eyes were bloodshot, and my clothes were in tatters. I discarded them all and took a hot shower. I expected to feel nervous all day but it really felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. No longer carrying the burden of this secret was a massive relief for me, even if things didn't go my way from now on. I felt incredibly lucky that things were as good as they were now. I should've never underestimated just how wonderful she is.

Although my nerves were calm in the shower, later in the day was a different story. I was still relieved to be rid of my secret but it was tearing me apart to not know how she felt yet. But it was officially night now. It was only seven in the evening when I settled into my room, anxious to be there at the earliest possible interpretation of night so I didn't have the chance of missing her if she ever came.

Every hour that passed I felt the hope begin to leave me. It was around midnight when I realized that Jess probably wasn't going to come. I was splayed out on my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what came next for me. I had no clue what I was going to do now, if she wasn't interested, then I guess I needed to find a new place to stay. I doubt she would ask me to go but I wouldn't be able to handle being around her anymore. Not after kissing her. I couldn't bear to be near her without being able to have her anymore. The thought depressed me.

As the clock now neared one in the morning, it seemed as though I would be losing my sister for good. All this time I spent avoiding her and now I probably wouldn't be in her life at all. The thought of it pulled greatly at my heart and I felt my eyes begin to well up. Tears started to fall from my eyes and all I could do was think about that kiss, how it felt to finally bridge that gap between us after so long. It was amazing, I thought she felt it too. But I guess she hadn't.

That's when I heard the soft knocking on the door.

"Alex."

I stared at the door in shock for a moment.

"Please Alex, let me in."

Her words brought me out of my dumbfounded state and I shot up out of bed quickly, made my way to the door, and opened it softly. I opened the door expecting to see her standing there nervously, uncomfortable. I was clearly wrong though, she looked calm, confident even. Right up to the point where she lunged at me and we were again in another desperate frenzy of inexperienced kissing. I kicked the door shut and she pushed me to the bed, straddling my waist.

"It's worth it to me. You're worth it." she said resolutely.

She started kissing me frantically again and she brought her hands down toward my waist as she started fumbling with my pants. I was quickly growing hard but was hesitant to go further so I brought my hands up to her head and pulled her away.

"Hey, wait. You have no idea how happy I am right now but I just needed to know if you were serious about being with me. We don't have to do this now, we can take our time."

"I know we don't have to, I want to." she said and her dexterous fingers began to fiddle with my zipper again and she was able to pull my pants off of me. She slipped out of her own pants and began to slide her panty-clad bottom roughly against my boxers, riding my insistent bulge.

My hands started to desperately roam her shirt, touching her wherever I could, reveling in my ability to. I grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it upwards revealing the soft crest of her modest breasts in her lacy black bra. I must've stared for a while because she reached behind her and unclasped her bra, letting it full to the floor unimpeded.

"This is what you want, huh? You shouldn't be seeing these, you know? Such a bad brother. Seeing me like this."

I was getting overwhelmed. Her dirty talk combined with her grinding on my lap was pure bliss. Her movements became more desperate and she pulled my shirt off as well. We were both down to only our underwear now, our need for each other apparent as we roughly rubbed against each other.

I couldn't take it any longer and I reached for her panties, moving to take them off. She realized what I was trying to do and quickly lifted herself up, peeling them off, her wetness apparent on them. Her beautiful slit was revealed to me, delicate and glistening. When I finally looked back at her face, she was blushing deeply. She regained her composure quickly though and felt the need to compensate her inexperience that was starting to show.

"Don't just stare at me, do something about it," she spoke in a low voice.

I obeyed quickly and frantically pulled off my boxers, overwhelmed with need. We settled back into our previous positions, her warmth hovering a mere inch over my needy erection.

"Last chance, Jess, are you sure? I'm about to be inside you, I need to hear you say it's okay."

"It's okay, it's more than okay. It's wonderful Alex, I'm ready."

It was both of our first times. That wasn't something that we really felt the need to discuss. It was obvious, at least to one another. Our inexperience was telling and neither of us had been in a real relationship before. This just made it more special, I was happy to spend as many firsts with her as I could.

With her approval, I grabbed her hips with both hands and started to ease her onto me. She grabbed my shaft and angled the head into her slit and moaned deeply at the contact. I pushed her further down slowly and when I had about a third of my length inside of her she wailed, clearly in pain. I stopped and waited for her cue.

"Are you feeling okay? Do you need us to stop?"

"No! I- I'm okay. I just need a second."

"Take your time. You feel amazing, Jess."

"Yeah, well you feel painful."

"I'm sorry, it'll get better, I promise."

"I know, it actually already is."

After saying that she began easing herself down further, stopping when she had half my length in her.

"Oh, God, you feel big."

I was at a loss for words. Being inside her was like nothing else. I was desperate to be fully inside of her but remained patient, determined for her to enjoy this as much as I was.

"I love you, Jess."

She leaned down until our faces were again pressed against one another, mere inches between our lips.

"I love you, too." she whispered as she slid down the rest of my length until her firm ass was sitting flush in my lap.

A loud moan escaped from her lips and a blissful grunt from mine. She began riding me then, pulling herself up off my length slowly and gently easing back down it. It was heavenly, but I still yearned for more. Thankfully, she seemed to have the same need because she quickly picked up her pace. Within a minute she had accelerated into a frenzy, our faces still inches apart. I brought my hands to her backside and groped her desperately as she rose up quickly and slammed down on me roughly. She brought her open mouth to mine then and fed me her tongue.

After only a couple of minutes of this we were both getting close and it didn't seem like we would last much longer.

"Jess, baby, I'm getting close. What do you want me to do?"

"Shh... don't worry about it. It's okay I'm on birth control. Just give it to me."

She was driving me crazy, everything about this was perfect and my need grew to a point of no return. I started to thrust up into her, meeting her ministrations halfway. She was moaning loudly now, clearly getting close. I was determined to bring her there before me, I wouldn't let her first time be anything less than perfect.

"You first, baby. You have to come for me, okay? Just relax, Jess, let go. It's okay, just let go."

She tensed up in my arms and cried out. I covered her mouth and she screamed louder into my palm, biting into my hand. I winced at the pain and started to thrust into her harder and faster, desperate to come now that she had.

"I'm coming now, baby. I love you."

When her wails had quieted to soft moans I removed my hand from her mouth and pulled her down, resting my chin into the crook of her neck as I made my last thrusts into her, finally releasing myself deep into her warmth. I groaned roughly in her ear as I pumped my final spurts deep inside of her. She moaned loudly as she felt me release myself into her depths.

I fell backward then, completely exhausted. She fell forward onto me, both of us panting, trying to catch our breath. We simply laid there, basking in the afterglow of our frantic lovemaking. After a minute, I slowly slipped out of her, feeling content but still missing the comfort of being inside her. She must've felt similarly as she hugged my chest tighter after the loss.

"Wow, I can't believe we really did that," she said.

"Me neither, how do you feel?"

"Honestly, I feel great. That was incredible."

"So... no regrets, then?"

Then I saw it. The edges of her lips curled upward and she flashed me the smile that started all of this. That beautiful smile. It was then that I realized that I was the happiest I had ever been.

"No, no regrets. Of course not, Alex. You can stop worrying about it."

"Okay, I'll stop," I said.

I believed her as soon as I saw her smile again.