A Touch Away Ch. 03

Shirt all buttoned up, she looked at me and bit her lips. This was the first time she had mentioned her boyfriend. What did that smile mean? Was she mocking me, reminding me that I would never be good enough? That I wasn't boyfriend material?

I asked her, "So I can touch your tits, but kissing you is not cool? I'm not complaining, I just don't see the logic."

The smile became still for a moment as she looked nervous. Was that her guilty conscience? For going behind her boyfriend's back? It was a little late to feel guilty now.

Her smile returned again as she replied, "There's no logic to it, really. It's a much more intimate thing, so you'd have to be my boyfriend to kiss me."

She looked at me with upturned eyes. What was she trying this time?

I never planned on acting on anger, but I suddenly found myself overwhelmed. Clearly she didn't feel any guilt, still teasing me, playing her games. All the emotions I had gone through, that I had forced myself to suppress, suddenly were bursting at the seam. All the rage and resentment screamed to be unleashed.

"Intimacy, huh? Sounds like a joke coming from you."

The smile vanished now as her eyes widened with shock. In that moment, I saw fear in her eyes, but even that wasn't enough to stop my momentum.

"All that talk of intimacy sounds empty when you've been letting some dude touch your tits behind your boyfriend's back. Why did you pick me? Is this a kink? To tease the virgin, get some kicks at my expense? Well, fuck you! You're all the same. And I've hated you since the day I saw you."

For a moment, there was a dead silence. I could not read the look on her face, and now that I had had my outburst, I knew I had said too much, gone too far. Rage was followed by guilt.

Claire's expression did not help how I was feeling. She looked like she was about to cry, a look that made me feel like something awful was being stabbed in my stomach.

Fuck me, why did I have to say all of that?

Her eyes shimmered and her mouth clenched. She was starting to look angry.

"Claire, I'm sorry..." I began.

Cutting me off, she snarled, "Shut up, Kyle. Just. Shut. Up."

A drop fell to the ground. She quickly rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You really just can't help but look down on me, can you?" she said. "No matter how much I try, all you ever see is a cheerleader. Just a dumb slut."

I could've protested, tried to tell her that it wasn't like that. But that would have been a lie, one she wouldn't buy - not when she was right on the money.

Instead, I said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. That was very rude."

She didn't reply, making her way to leave. I stood there like an idiot, feeling like an asshole.

As she was about to turn the corner, she turned back to glare at me and said, "I haven't had a boyfriend for months."

I'm often told I'm an asshole. Mel says it so often it pretty much bounces off my skin. And it's kinda funny when it's coming from my friends. If anyone else said that, I wouldn't care. Claire didn't need to say anything. I was an asshole, and perhaps for the first time I felt ashamed of it.

"Claire, wait..." I began, but it was pointless now. She had already left.

Suddenly my knees wobbled and I couldn't stay standing anymore. Crouching to a squat, I cradled my face in my hands. My mind ran.

It was my fault. All this time, I was focusing my rage and resentment on her for trying to manipulate me, for going behind her boyfriend's back, or conspiring with said-boyfriend to laugh at my expense. And for what? I didn't even know her, and I didn't understand her. Somewhere down the line, I had built her up as a terrible figure, and all this time, I was treating her like that idea.

And now, I wanted her to stay and hear me out... to listen to my apologies, help unburden the guilt I felt. It was pathetic. I knew that there was no taking this back. I couldn't go any lower.

As much as I wanted to blend into the background, I had already spent a little too long in the library. I got up to my feet and remembered another thing. Claire had been pretty loud before she had left. Someone had to have heard that.

As I was headed out, my supervisor arched an eyebrow at me quizzically.

"That did not sound like it went well," she said, confirming my dread.

I froze on the spot, deer in headlights. I was equally terrified and embarrassed. Did she know what we were doing? Was I going to get fired? Was she going to tell Dad? Was she going to make fun of me? I deserved all of the above, but that didn't mean I wanted any of it.

She smiled sympathetically. "You young people think you're so clever and subtle." With a chuckle, she added, "Anyway, I didn't want to get in the way of young romance..."

"Thank you," I said with my head lowered. No point in correcting her now.

"But if I find a single book damaged, you're dead! Both of you!"

I gulped. "Yes, ma'am!"

She smiled again. "You're a good kid. Just give her some space, then talk to her later. But don't leave her alone for too long! You don't want her to think that you don't care either. You'll have to start apologizing soon."

I nodded and got out of there as fast as my body moved. As much as I appreciated my supervisor, what I really wanted to do was crawl under my blankets and sink into my self-loathing.

***

I had been alone in my room for a while before I realized that it was doing me no good. All that did was make me feel shittier. And I was hungry.

A while later, I went downstairs. Dad and Emily were out, Sarah was by herself at the dining table, eating. I paused. Was I really going to hang out with Sarah now? Was I so desperate for a distraction? Apparently.

I was heating up some leftovers when I felt a strange and uncomfortable sensation. I looked up to find her looking at me. Immediately she turned away. That part was normal. Usually, she wouldn't look at me in the first place.

As I sat down to eat, I heard her ask, "Is everything alright?"

Again, as I looked up to face her, she looked away, muttering, "Never mind."

I felt like shit when I thought about it, but I still really wanted to talk about it with someone. Calling up Jane might have made more sense, but Sarah was right in front of me. Besides, it was this or sitting there in awkward silence.

"I think I fucked up," I said.

Sarah said, "Was there a girl involved?"

"Yeah."

"Huh." She didn't say anything for a bit, so we quietly ate. Then she asked, "So what happened?"

"I said some things I shouldn't have."

Cautiously she replied, "Yeah... can't see that ending well."

"It did not."

She looked at me for a moment, but didn't say anything else. It was as if she was studying me. We were settling into uncomfortable silence again. Apparently neither of us knew how to talk to each other, and now it just felt weirder.

"What's up with you? Who are you seeing?" I asked.

"Funny you should ask. I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me, so... no one."

I paused to observe Sarah. On the outside, she looked just fine. I had no idea, and I wouldn't have known if she hadn't said that.

"That's rough," I said, finishing the last bite.

"Yep."

The door opened as Dad and Emily came in. She saw us both at the same table and looked delighted. "Hey, you guys! Having dinner together?"

"I was just leaving," I said, taking my dish to the sink.

As I washed my dish, I contemplated. I didn't know Sarah, just like I didn't know Claire. Was she really a bitch? Or did I make that up as well?

I looked back, trying to recall our interactions. Other than the dinner when we first met, we'd always been cold to each other.

***

On Tuesday morning, my luck didn't get any better. The first person I met was Haru. At most, I could stand him being in the group. One on one? I wasn't sure I could take that. Worse yet, he took one look at me and knew.

"You look kinda down," he said. "Everything alright?"

Why does he care now? Where was he for the entire school year?

He'd be the last person I'd talk to about this.

With a shrug, I said, "Yeah, all good. No worries."

Yeah, he wasn't convinced, but he let me off the hook easily. "I'm here if you wanna talk... or don't. We can... catch up sometime later... if you're up for it."

"Sure, sure," I said, making a quick getaway.

Like that's gonna happen.

The twins, however, were not nearly as kind.

Mel scowled at me and said, "I'm terrible at reading people but you look like dogshit."

"What happened, Kyle?" Jane asked with a kinder tone.

I hesitated, Mel shrugged and said something along the lines of, "Suit yourself, asshole." Jane persisted.

In the end, after considerable silence and a long moment of working up to it, I told them everything. About the things I said, and the way she reacted. Both their eyes were wide, full of shock and disbelief.

"What the fuck, Kyle?" Mel asked. "Were you actually trying to hurt her or something?"

Jane intervened. "He wasn't. That being said, it was a very shitty thing to do, Kyle. Even if she wasn't so enamored with you, it's not something you should've said. Hell, if you thought she was such a terrible person, why even get involved?"

Why? Because I was angry and stupid, and I didn't want to lose the opportunity of groping her. That was the only reason.

"I don't know," I said meekly.

Mel exhaled, the air seeming to shift with her forceful anger. After a moment of stewing, she said, "We've known about your issue, Kyle, and we try not to bring it up. Mostly because you don't get in the way of other people. But that's changed, so I'm telling you this for your own good. Not because I'm pissed - and I am - but because I care about you and I don't want you to hurt yourself and others."

With a glare, she said, "Get it under control. I don't care what it's about. Your mom or sister. I don't care how much you deny it or how fucking terrible it was. You feel betrayed? Boo-hoo! Doesn't give you the right to take it out on other people."

I hated everything she said. Everything in me wanted to scream, "Don't fucking tell me what to do!" But she was right. Within my core, I felt it, and I had always known. I remained quiet.

Jane sighed. "This time, I'm with Mel. Things you do and say have consequences, they affect people."

Her eyes had an angry spark that I had never seen directed at me. More than anger, I had hurt her, something I never wanted to do to her.

A moment later, she softened. "Text Claire and tell her you want to apologize. She won't say yes, but if you're persistent and lucky, she'll eventually stop hating your guts enough to at least hear you out. Just don't text her every hour or something."

Sullenly, I nodded. It took another moment to register. It was like being dunked in cold water. "Wait, how did you know?"

She snorted. "Please, you're not subtle. You've been staring at her whenever you think you can get away. And believe it or not, I've seen her do the same a few times. Not nearly as obviously as you."

Later that evening, I sat with my phone in my hands, staring at the screen. My mind raced, struggling to come up with the right words. A message as simple as "I'm sorry, can we try again" didn't sound right. Eventually I settled on something. I wouldn't be winning awards for eloquence, but neither was it terrible.

***

The first thing I did on Wednesday morning was check my phone. Not out of the ordinary, except that I was looking for a reply from Claire. There was none. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I didn't get a glimpse of her until lunch time. She was sitting with the other cheerleaders and jocks, smiling and laughing as if everything in the world was right. From the outside it looked like some of them might be flirting with her, and she was receiving it happily. I didn't feel so sure of myself anymore.

"If you're going to stare like that," Cole said, "You might as well go over and introduce yourself."

Startled, I looked at him. He had an annoying, sly smile on his face.

Snorting, I said, "As if that would go down well."

Cole put his arm around my shoulder and said, "My dude, you have to let go and follow your desires. And right now, it's pretty clear who you're desiring. Am I not right?"

Alex nodded, content to let Cole drive this one.

"So, are you going to go and say hi? You know, you might have a shot."

Still not wanting to get into it, I looked for a distraction. Then I realized I had one right in front of me.

"That didn't go so well for Alex, did it?"

Alex snorted, muttering, "Well, I'm glad my tragedy is somehow helping your agenda."

"Oh shit, sorry."

Cole looked annoyed. "First, it wasn't even your experience. You can't even say that. Second, you can't let failures get in your way, otherwise you'll be alone forever. Case in point," he finished pointing at Alex.

"Geez, guys, thanks," he rolled his eyes. I glanced at him to make sure he was okay, but he seemed to be suppressing a grin.

"Jokes aside, even Alex would agree with me."

And he did with a nod. I figured there was no way out of this conversation now. Sighing, I asked, "She's single, right?"

Cole nodded enthusiastically. "That she is!"

And that's when I realized something. "How come you never mentioned it before?"

Frowning, he said, "Seriously? Dude, I didn't actually think you were interested. Last week, I mean. Besides, literally everyone's been talking about it for months... You know, who's gonna take Claire to prom, and stuff. I'm shocked you didn't notice."

Suddenly I heard Haru's voice from behind. He interjected helpfully, "It's not that surprising, this is the kind of thing you tend to tune out. That being said, why the sudden interest?"

"Fuck," I muttered, "How long have you been there?"

His reply was very matter-of-factly. "Long enough. Don't try to distract us."

Do I tell them the truth? Claire might not like that. With how that was going, I should probably hold onto it.

Choosing the middle ground, I said, "I'm just curious."

"Fair enough." Cole shrugged.

Haru was not that easily appeased. "We know you're curious. You didn't answer the question."

Why did I even need to answer him? But Alex and Cole were here as well and they were waiting for my answer as well.

What's a believable answer? And then it occurred to me.

"I recently noticed her at the library, and we spoke. She seemed interesting."

It looked like Cole's eyes would bug out, Alex's mouth hung open, and even Haru looked surprised.

"Holy shit Kyle!" Cole shouted, "You've been holding out on us!"

I could swear every eye in the cafeteria was on us. Thankfully, they lingered for one moment before going back to their business.

Shushing him, I added, "Dude, shut up!"

Alex glared at me before saying, "No, we are not shutting up. My situation and yours aren't even remotely the same! I've thought about this, okay? And I've come to terms. Amanda and I don't even know each other, and I only asked her out because she's nice and pretty. And the rejection itself was fine, what's fucking unbearable is the taunting and stares from the others, like Sam. I doubt you'd even have to go through any of that!"

He said all of that in what seemed to be one breath. He rarely ever got this excited or loud, so it was a sight to see. Even if he wasn't out of breath and red-faced it would've been.

Catching his breath, he added, "Sorry."

"No, my bad," I barely managed to reply.

Before silence set in, Haru came to rescue. Diplomatically, he said, "Before I say anything else, I want to ask something. How do you feel about her? And what do you want?"

Was I really having this conversation with Haru? I couldn't really see a way out.

"I don't know yet. She's... not what I had expected. Quirky. I don't understand her and I'm curious. I definitely don't have any feelings for her, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing where it leads. I don't know though. I pissed her off the last time we spoke."

For a moment, I wondered if I'd have to explain that story again. Haru just shrugged and said, "Sounds like you've spoken enough to get a basic idea. That's a step up. What's stopping you from giving it a shot?"

Sighing, I gave them a basic version without details. "I said some rude things to her on Monday."

Cole whistled, saying, "Wow, I can't believe you fucked this up."

"Yep," Alex muttered. "Not even remotely the same."

"Ugh, shut up."

Haru watched me for a moment, then said, "Clearly you're not going to give us details. So I'll just say this. If you want to see where this leads, you'll have to make up your mind, and make up with her."

Cole added, "And quick. We have a little more than two weeks of classes left. Wait too long and someone else will swoop her away."

"Shut up, Casanova!" I retorted.

I did not see Claire at the library.

***

Thursday was a bland day. I caught a glimpse of Claire, and she was definitely avoiding eye contact. Under normal circumstances, this would have been expected. What made things worse was that I had sent her another text last night, which never received a reply either. At this point, I was starting to feel like a stalker.

Cole just shook his head, disappointed that I wasn't going ahead and doing the manly thing. Or something like that. I even got a pitying smile from Alex, the kind you'd give to someone who fucked up worse than you. Maybe that was just projection, but he wouldn't be wrong.

And then, at the end of the school day, I found myself alone with Haru. I was pretty sure it wasn't a coincidence.

Annoyed, I asked, "What is this, an intervention?"

The corner of his mouth lifted in a measured smile. "No, but I wanted to check in on how you're doing. You look worse than yesterday, which I didn't think was possible."

Shrugging, I said, "I'm fine, just like I was yesterday."

I thought that would have been the end of it. But Haru stayed where he was, looking at me like he could see through me.

He cocked his head to one side and said, "Come on, man, talk to me. It's been a while since we've talked about anything."

I'd been brushing him off for a while, ever since he decided he was better than us. And he hadn't pushed it. Now, he was, and I was pissed off.

"Yeah?" I began, "And when did you start caring again?"

I wasn't about to go off the way I did with Claire. I couldn't go around making the same mistake twice in the span of a week. But I couldn't hold off my thoughts either.

"Why are you talking to me now? Go hang out with the popular crowd. You seem to love hanging out with them, and they love you."

He looked down guiltily, but then he looked up again. "Kyle. There's really nothing I can say. I know I hurt everyone, and apologizing isn't enough. All I can do is make up for lost time, and I hope that you let me."

Fucking hell, I thought, This would have been easier if he was trying to defend himself.

"I just don't get it," I said. "You're not really giving me anything to go on."

He hesitated. I thought he'd just say that it wasn't something he could talk about.

But then he began, "This summer... It wasn't a good time for me. A lot of things happened. And... well... I really needed to change things up."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Yeah, well, you could've just stopped at the haircut."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I could've. After all of that... I felt very directionless. But I didn't know what to change. I didn't know who I was, or who I wanted to be. By the end of the summer, when school started again, I knew I wanted to make things drastically different. So different that you'd look at me and think that you don't even know me anymore."