A Trip Back Home Pt. 02

She withdrew her hand from Lizzie's and patted her on her knee. Lizzie nodded and stood. She inclined her head toward me and moved to the door. I stood.

"That's OK, Kelly. I'll let myself out."

I turned back to Cygne. "You want a glass of water?"

"Yes, please."

I brought a tumbler of water to her and returned to my seat. "Thanks for your honesty, Cyg. I have some pics from last night. You wanna take a look and see what we can see?"

"Pics?" Her voice was low, her face was pale, but that could have been the hangover. I got up from my chair and went to sit next to her on the couch.

I thumbed my phone open. "This came at 9:00." I opened the thread and quickly moved back to it's start. I was surprised to see it was a movie instead of a pic and I played it from the top.

Cyg tearfully kissed the new pageant queen on the cheek and escorted her to the front of the stage. She stepped back and applauded the new royalty.

"My mascara got really messed up," she said with a nervous grin. "Who took this?"

"Jennie."

"Jennie Mohr?"

"Yep."

"Oh."

I could see Cyg searching her memory for anything having to do with Jennie and her behavior and coming up with nothing.

I figured they must all be movies so I tapped the second one. Sig was showing off her town. Pointing out landmarks and points of interest. Main Street gave way to a residential area and the mov ended as they turned up a sidewalk to a lovely home.

"That's Peggy's house. She is taking a year off before she heads off to school so she had time to set up and throw a big party. Her folks were really nice."

Next, the scene was inside the same house, I assumed. Jenny panned the phone around the living space. There was a big bowl of something on the table. "Sangria?" I asked. Cyg nodded.

The action ended with Cyg dipping out a tall glass of the beverage and moving off out of frame.

"I remember that," she said.

The next action was at a different house. They hadn't over stayed their welcome at the Mazlow's and had moved off to a lot more age appropriate venue. Lots of beer and cheap wine along with a collection of low shelf hard liquor. Cyg poured herself some bourbon and conversed animatedly with a guy before Jennie moved away from them.

"Woah, Cyg. Drinking 101: Lesson One. Never change alcohol in the middle of the stream."

"I tried the wine, but it was egregious. So bad."

So, Sangria, bad wine, and now bad hard liquor. No wonder you can't remember anything. Who was the guy?"

"He lives there. Four years older than me. We dated a few times." She quit talking.

I swiped up to the next message--the one with ski patrol asshole.

"Oh. He lives there, too," she whispered.

Davey was offering Cyg a drink. Cyg kept pushing it away but she wasn't really in control. Her eyes were closed and her rejecting the glass took the form of turning her body away and randomly obstructing with her left arm and shoulder.

Next was the beer chugging and it was obvious that Cyg did not recall it. I stopped with the pic of her dead to the world showing on my screen.

"This is the last one I got before I went to bed."

It was very short and Cyg was laughing with others who were off screen. Cyg breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was about midnight. I have one more, at least."

"Can we not watch it?"

"Nah...I think we have to. Otherwise it will always be there...a threat from offstage. Not knowing the truth is dangerous to a relationship. It's a shadow that will always hover in the corner...or worse take on shapes that it doesn't really own."

She nodded.

I flipped up and was rewarded with a blurred pic as if the phone were moving quickly while recording. The action settled in on a very irate Cyg flailing at ski patrol asshole, her claws out. She slapped him, probably by accident, but the contact was firm and clearly heard on the sound track. His pain was unintelligible but audible. She continued "You sunofabitch! Get the hell away from me! Don't you touch me! DON'T touch me! Keep your fuckin' hands to yourself!" Her words were slurred but that didn't keep her hands from missing their target. Davey was getting scratched across his face as he fell backward. "I'm gonna kill you, you motherfucker!" Her kick almost accidentally connected with his crotch. Davey's screams drowned out a few words. "...the man I'm gonna marry will take you apart, dickwad!" She screamed into his face. She paused and then threw up all over him. The movie ended while others were dragging her away from the asshole.

"You don't remember that?" I asked.

"I thought it was a dream," she said to the phone wide eyed and ashen faced.

I paused. "So...are we engaged now?"

She looked at me sidelong. "I guess we should talk about it."

"Want a drink?"

She rolled her eyes. "What do you think?"

"I think I don't want to get puked on."

"Got some of that root beer?"

I nodded and headed for the kitchen. Cyg followed.

"Where do we start? She asked.

"I think we already have. Your comment to asshole shows a certain amount of commitment to me. Let me say I, also, feel the same about you. Now maybe we should talk about why." I gave her her root beer.

"Well, we love each other."

"Agreed. What does love mean to you?" I gave her her glass.

She blinked. "Well, we get along really well. We're compatible...I mean even though we haven't had sex, I think we'll...fit together...well. I feel a spark between us, and you're not hiding anything from me." She blushed and took a long drink from her diet root beer. She started again, more slowly. "I think love might not be as emotional as a lot of people think it is. Knowing you has changed the way I think about that. Maybe just being a little older has changed me, too. Maybe love is like something you learn to do...a skill rather than a feeling."

I nodded. "I couldn't have said it better. You saying that affirms my believing it. When I started getting those messages last night, I had to put my feelings and fears away. Dad calls it "selective resignation." He always says it's the ability to not give a shit until events unfold."

Cyg smiled. "When in doubt do nothing and gather data."

"Yeah, but the ability to do that requires the trust we've built up over our months together. You've earned that trust and deserve it from me until you destroy it. My trust in you is still intact."

She frowned. "Thanks...I guess."

"That's why it's trust 'IN' you. It's not something I caretake. You take care of it. It's a part of you. I see it, feel it, every time I think of you. You are in control of it and every action you take preserves it or erodes it."

"I guess I never thought of it like that."

"OK. Here's another...a survey for you. Which of the following three statements defines love for you?" I took a drink of beer. "One: I can't live without you. Two: I will never hurt you. Or, three: let's share the burden of life together."

"Trick question?"

I shrugged. "Only one answer fits best for you."

"Well, I lived without you until I met you, so that one's out. Never hurting someone seems impossible, setting up for failure. So, number three is the best answer."

"Yeah, I'd agree. Seventy-five percent of people answer number one. They also account for a disproportionate number of divorced couples." He refilled their glasses. Cyg looked thoughtful when I returned from the kitchen.

She took her drink. "So...are we in love?"


I sipped. "I am. You have decide for you."

"What if I wasn't in love with you?"



"I'd turn you loose to find someone you could love and I'd start looking around again."

"That seems so cold...unromantic. Wouldn't you fight for me?"

"Like a knight in shining armor?" I laughed. "Your Prince Charming? Don't get me wrong, but why would I want someone who didn't want me? If you don't love me, why would I lock you up in a marriage prison...especially if I loved you. Because I love you, I want you to be happy and fulfilled even if it's not with me." I shrugged. "I'm sure this shoe has been on the other foot. Haven't you ever had to let someone who was crushing hard on you down gently?"

Her brow was furrowed. "Are you sure you're only nineteen?"

"Twenty in a couple months."

She shook her head. "This is a huge paradigm shift. You're saying all those rom coms and songs and novels are just...wrong. Propaganda for a...a...hormone induced decision making process."

"It's possibly the biggest decision a person makes in his or her life. It probably shouldn't be left to your gonads. Let's be honest, we're very attracted to each other, but that's just the first phase of a relationship...necessary...but only the beginning. If we trust each other and respect each other and want to fuck each other like bunnies, romance will follow."

She looked me in the eye then took my hand. "You know, I think I do love you."

"And I love you, too, Cyggy."

We refined our thoughts on the matter over the next few months and came to the decision that we would be married in a year. I still did the "romantic" thing of buying a ring and bending my knee to ask for her hand, but it was a ring we had planned and picked out together.

The semester ended in late May and Cyg packed up and left for home for the summer. I went back to work full time for the power plant covering the regular guys' vacations and drove two hours up to Bayfront whenever my "weekend" came by. I was not prepared for how difficult a long distance relationship could be. So, we made a decision.

I drove up the lane to Cyg's mom's house and parked next to her pick-up truck. I got out and stretched. Cyg flew out the back door of the house and hit me like a halfback on steroids. I returned her hug pound for pound and gave her a long, passionate kiss.

"You're early!" She whispered.

"Yeah, I left from work." I kissed her again.

"Come in."

We progressed up the walk arm in arm and I held the back door for her. We wiped our feet on the mat in the mud room and entered into the kitchen. Cyg's mom, Arlene, was sitting at the table.

"Hello, Kelly. Did you have a good drive?"

"I did, Arlene. The traffic was light. Do you mind if I steal Cyg for a few hours?"

"Not at all. Have fun." She went back to her reading.

Cyg grabbed a light coat off the hook by the back door and we loaded into the Chevy. A quick drive downtown and we were sitting in our favorite coffee shop. I put a red file folder on the table.

Cyg eyed it. "Is everything there?"



"Yep. License, blood test, a letter from Mom and Dad to your mom saying that they're fine with our accelerated wedding plans. Now, we just have to get your Mom on board."

"Oh, she's ready. She's thinking maybe the backyard in three weeks would be a good 'venue.'" Cyg smiled. "The only thing she's worried about is that everyone will think I'm pregnant."

"So let 'em think what they want; on our first anniversary we'll have the last laugh about that, too. Let's walk and talk," I said.

We went out the back door and stepped onto the boardwalk that offered access to the beach. The view was spectacular south toward the Green Kings, a range that literally rose up from the depths of the lake and towered above the blue water.

"I've missed you this week..." I paused.

"...and me you."

I leaned against the railing.

"Paul, at work, said an interesting thing when I cut out to come up here." Cyg was quiet, taking in the view. "He said, 'Remember to row your own boat.' I asked him what he meant. He said, 'Marriage is like two folks rowing across a lake in the dark. You each have your own boat 'cause you're two separate people. Sometimes you're right next to each other and sometimes you're farther apart, but it's an easier journey if you're close enough to talk.'"

Cyg reached and turned me toward her leaning her head on my chest.

"Paul's a lot smarter than I thought."

"A lot of people think we're rushing the marriage thing," I said holding her close. "But, I don't. I love you and we can make this work."

I love you, too." She smiled up at me.

"So...what I'm going to say now is really unromantic. Just hear me out." We sat at a table with an umbrella that overlooked the marina. I took her hand. "We love each other. Each of us has love for the other." I paused and Cyg looked at me questioningly. "I think it is a myth that love is eternal." Cyg began to object. I held my palm up. "Love will only last as long as the conditions that created it last."

Cyg looked thoughtful. "If the conditions change, love will change?"

I nodded. "Or even change so much it breaks...ceases to exist."

Cyg nodded. "That's why our boats need to be close enough to talk...to be able to have a conversation."

"Yeah. My love for you is created by YOU and vice versa. If one of us stops creating for the other, we need to talk and try and fix it or be man or woman enough to be honest that it is not fixable."

She got a far away look in her eyes. "What's love made of? What are the 'conditions' we need to preserve?"

"I think there might be different kinds of love."

"Sure." She leaned in. "That makes sense. I love my mom, but I don't want to marry her."

"Uh-huh. We've both had significant others that we felt attracted to, physically attracted to. Shoot, I've had girls I walked past on campus that caused me to look twice." There was a subtle adjustment in Cyg's face, so I hurried on. "But physical attraction, by itself, is...and I Googled this...only infatuation. I think we've both been there."

Cyg nodded and her face relaxed a little.

"You have to add a couple more layers to get the kind of love I feel for you."

"Like what?"

"Well, number one is commitment...we're exclusive with the response to our physical attraction and we plan to continue to be." Cyg nodded. "Because we're emotionally intimate as well. You know how hurt I would be if you cheated, and I know how hurt you would be. We trust that we're working for our mutual benefit."

"We're beyond romantic love because we're making long term plans to stay romantically involved, committed, and faithful to each other. That might be called the complete package...consummate love."

"So, if any of the legs of the tripod are missing, you end up with a different kind of love?"

"Exactly."

"Wow." She grinned. "You need to send me the link you got all this from."

I shrugged. "I don't think I got it all from one place." I had a mental picture of the first time I saw her in her shaft of glittering light.

She turned her face across the water but looked at me sidelong. "You're sure we're doing the right thing?"

I almost told her about the light then, but that was just crazy. I turned her toward me and gathered her in a warm embrace. "If the universe picked you out for me, then the universe did a damn fine job."