tagHumor & SatireA Two Dog Night

A Two Dog Night


Long before I ever heard the term Yuppie I guess I was one. I don't think it would make a good country western song title but I'll cop to it. At the time of this story I probably had twenty five or twenty six suits in my closet, at least that many pairs of shoes, a brand new Thunderbird, a year old motorcycle and a three year old Corvette. I was a charter member of one of Dallas' first racquetball/fitness clubs. I had one of those fancy leather billfolds that goes into your suit jacket pocket and that rascal would barely close for all the credit cards I carried. I was Vice President of Personnel for a fair sized company and had an ass pocket full of money and a cleanin' lady that spiffed up the condo once a week. In short, I was a stud. A catch. A walkin', talkin' babe magnet with a razor cut hairdo and a 10-inch dick. Ok, I made up the part about the 10-inch dick but I was still a hell of a catch.

This was a wonderful time to be alive. Free love was still in high gear and a dose of penicillin would fix just about any thing that you could get from unprotected sex. I worked in a high turnover industry and had a constant supply of willing lovelies comin' through the front door. Not that I would ever use my position to coerce anybody but if a gal had a few at happy hour and decided she couldn't live another night without jumpin' my bones I sure wasn't gonna argue with her.

There was one gal that went to work for us that was totally, absolutely and unconditionally unimpressed with me. I know, hard to believe but true. I tried every line, every routine I knew and she just flat out wasn't buyin' anything I had to sell. And she always looked at me with this little Mona Lisa sorta smile that made me feel like I was eight years old and tellin' fibs to my Momma. It was like she really wanted to laugh at my weak-assed bull shit but was too much of a lady. Eventually I gave up and we became friends and developed a great relationship. Then she fixed me up.

She had been living alone for quite some time and when she decided to buy a new car she also went shoppin' for a roommate. Good logic that. Save on rent, more money to make a car payment. Smart lady. Smart lady with a really cute new roommate. Really cute new roommate with a good job and no boyfriend. Really cute new roommate with a good job, no boyfriend and two Schnauzers. Yeah, Schnauzers. You know those semi-hyperactive prissy little dogs with permanent bad breath and body odor. Those Schnauzers. And I don't want any friggin' letters from you Schnauzer lovers. Before this story's over you'll understand my aversion to the little fuckers. Schnauzers. Shoot, they wouldn't even make good trot line bait.

So anyway, my friend fixes me up with her new roommate and we meet for drinks the first night. We really hit it off too. Not the stay up all night talking like we're lost soul mates that have been searching for each other all of our lives kinda hittin' it off. Just the hey, this was fun and I'd definitely like to get to know you better so let's do it again real soon and I really mean it when I say I'll call you kinda hittin' it off. And there was some of that sexual tension stuff goin' on too. We both knew it and knew that it was just a matter of time before we got to know each other a whole lot better if you know what I mean.

The next date was gonna be a dinner date so I went to pick her up at her apartment and that's when I got to meet the little bug-eyed fur balls that she referred to as "The Girls". Schnauzers. Two of them. I probably should have realized that something was just a little off when she introduced me to "The Girls" and one of them was "A Boy" and he immediately introduced his mangy assed little self to me by humpin' my leg. Can you believe it? I've got on one of my best friggin' suits and this sorry assed excuse for a dog is leavin' pecker tracks all over it. And she says, "Aw, isn't he cute. He really likes you. He usually doesn't like strangers". Oh, fuckin' boy. He likes me. I'm bettin' the no nutted little bastard would've been humpin' my leg whether he liked me or not. Schnauzers have no pride.

Anyway, she's not quite ready and tells me to make myself comfortable and I do and the second she leaves the room the female half of "The Girls" jumps up on the couch and tries to get into my lap and lick my face and the horn dog mounts my leg again and starts humpin' like I'm prime "Grade A" Schnauzer pussy. So I did the only thing that I could do. The only thing a red blooded American Yuppie that hasn't completely forgotten his country roots and is wearin' an expensive suit could do. I gently sat the little girl dog down on the floor and thumped the little hump-hump boy dog on his nose. Just a little thump. He yelped. Just a little yelp. Most people wouldn't have heard a yelp like that or if they did they would have ignored it. Not the gal with the bionic ears. Of course I denied any knowledge of why he yelped when she came out and started talkin' baby talk to the horny little shit head. "Whasamattawidmommieswiddlebabywaby. Didhehuthimwiddleself?" Good God granny I hate baby talk. I especially hate it when someone talks baby talk to an overpriced dog with a more expensive haircut than mine and with his clanky little toe nails painted all blue and with a cute little blue collar and a precious little blue ribbon in his wiry assed hair. Did I mention that cute makes me wanna hurl?

But the date goes well and the good night kisses rocked my socks and I'm pretty sure that when she grabbed my ass it wasn't an accident like she said. You girls are sneaky that way, ya know? We promised to get together again real soon and I said I'd call later in the week to see what was happenin'. All in all, a pretty good night.

Along about Wednesday afternoon she surprised me and gave me a call and invited me for dinner at her place on Friday night. She said that my friend, her roommate wouldn't be there. I said great and that I'd be there with bells on and with a really good bottle of wine. Now, I've got a theory. If a lady invites you to her house and she's gonna cook for you she probably likes you. If she likes you enough to cook for you then she probably likes you enough to play a little kissy face. Playin' kissy face is one of my favorite after dinner activities and quite often leads to a little grab and tickle and if the same lady makes a point of telling you that her roommate isn't gonna be there then grab and giggle could possibly lead to hide the salami so I was pretty fired up and really looking forward to Friday night.

How do I find the words to describe the scene that greeted me when she opened the door to my knock. She looked absolutely gorgeous. She was wearing a little slinky lookin' black loungin' sort of pants outfit that fit her like a glove. It was easy to see that she had all of the right parts in all of the right places. The pants hugged her hips and thighs and then flared out into a nice little bell. Little gold thong type sandals. The blouse was one of those pirate lookin' things with the puffy sleeves that you can see through and tight cuffs and was low cut enough that if she'd bent over I could have seen what she had for breakfast. Her hair was freshly done and her makeup was subtle and perfect. She gave me one of her patented sock rockin' kisses and handed me a glass full of Old Grand Dad and 7-up. I was beginnin' to like the shit out of this girl.

She had set the mood perfectly. There were a few candles lit around the living room and the main lights were low. Candles are a good sign. Candles usually mean lovey-dovey stuff. Trust me on this now, I know what I'm talkin' about here. Along with the candles was some soft music on the old reel to reel. Looked like about three hours worth. Another good sign. And the place smelled absofuckinlutely wonderful. Food smells. Lots of food smells. Mouth waterin' smells that were makin' me forget about kissy face stuff for the time being. Now, when I asked her what smelled so good she got this big grin on her face, grabbed my arm and led me to the dining room. Folks, you ain't seen nuthin' like this anywhere outside of a Luby's Cafeteria serving line.

She had a full sized dining room table that would seat six and that bad boy was bowin' in the middle from the weight of all the food she had fixed. I'm serious as a heart attack here. There was enough food on that table to feed a small third world nation for six friggin' months. She had fixed a meat loaf with mashed potatoes and gravy. She had baked a chicken with a wild rice and mushroom stuffing. She had cooked up a pot roast with potatoes and onions and those great little baby carrots. There was a bowl of fresh green beans, a platter of corn on the cob, a whole acorn squash with a brown sugar glaze, a bowl of peas, another of green beans, a tossed salad, a tray with three different types of bread, a relish tray and a bowl of fuckin' cranberry sauce. I've got four brother and three sisters and about a gaggle and a half of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and I don't think I've even seen that much food at one of our Thanksgiving feasts. When I turned to look at her she was literally beaming with pride. "I didn't know what you'd like so I just cooked a little of everything." And then looking just a little abashed, "Sometimes I get a little carried away." Well, no shit Sherlock.

I tried. God knows I tried my best to eat a little of everything. I'm a sensitive kinda guy and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I'm a smart, sensitive kinda guy and I was still hopin' for a little kissy face. Ok, I'm a big ole horn dog with no pride and will do damned near anything if I think I'm gonna get to play hide the salami. So I ate. And I ate. And then I ate a little more. And to her credit, she was a great cook. Crazier than fourteen little motherfuckers but a great cook. That night I figured out why the Romans had those vomitoriums. I damned near ate myself to death. If one of the buttons on my shirt had busted loose it woulda put somebody's eye out. I ain't lyin'. My belt was squeekin' like a real old saddle on a twenty dollar pack mule. Hell, I ate so much my shoes were gettin' too tight. I never ate that much before that night and I haven't come close to eating that much again.

It took her about 45 minutes to clean off the table and put away the leftovers. I offered to help. I really did. But she wouldn't hear of it so I waddled back into the living room and flopped my newly fattened ass down on the couch. And, of course, as soon as I stopped bouncing the little hump-hump fucker mounted my leg and started his little dick dance. I wasn't in the mood. Actually, I'm never in the mood for that but I especially wasn't in the mood for it then. I'm actually in pain here and this little pecker headed dog that wouldn't even make a good pair of house shoes is humpin' my leg so hard his back feet are leavin' the ground on each hump. So I did what any overstuffed, slightly flatulent Roman wannabe would do. I thumped him on his nose. Just a little thump. He yelped. Just a little yelp. Well hell, here she comes with her baby talk again. Did I mention that baby talk makes me want to hurl? I promise you folks, if I had hurled that night it would have been a Guiness Book of World Records hurl. Shit, I just hate baby talk.

So anyway, now we get to the good stuff. The kitchen is clean. Little hump-hump fucker and his sister are layin' down in the corner being as good as Schnauzers can be. There was still about an hour and a half of soft music on the reel to reel and all the lights were out except for the candles. We're having tongue battles and she's grabbin' ass and I'm grabbin' ass and she's moanin' and I'm talkin' sweet nothin's and grabbin' more ass. Then she asks me if I want to go to the bedroom and I quit grabbin' ass long enough to say yes and off we go. Off we go to the pleasures of first time sex. The discovery, the mutual learning. The new sights and sounds and tastes and smells. I love first time sex. Off we go to the bedroom for first time sex with the sounds of little pink and blue clanky toe nails on the hardwood floors following close behind. Oh, boy. Schnauzers in the audience.

Once in the bedroom things progressed quite nicely. I removed her blouse, she removed my pants. I removed her pants, she removed my shirt. I gave her the old one hand bra unhook and removal, she pulled my jockeys off with her toes. We're havin' some fun now. She had a beautiful body. Not skinny, not Reubenesque. Somewhere in between. Enough meat on her bones to be real comfortable. And she had one of the most beautiful sets of tits on her that I've ever seen. Perfectly formed, probably 34C's with those great pointy little nipples that stick damned near straight up and were not shy about standin' out proud and tall. And they were sensitive. I can't prove it but I think she had a little orgasm while I was gettin' to know them. Makes a boy proud, don't cha know.

Now, I was still full. I'd just eaten enough food for two Dallas Cowboy linebackers so God knows I was still full. But not too full for a little snack. I love goin' down on a lady and I don't mean to be crude about it but this gal had a pussy that was meant for eatin'. Just delicious. Nobody shaved their pubes back then but she had neatly trimmed hers and it was just beautiful. Her clit was a little larger than most and it stood up just as proud as her nipples. Sensitive little rascal too. Lick, suck and nibble. She liked it all. And I know damn good and well she came while I was down there introducin' myself. Twice. Makes a boy even more proud, don't cha know. When I thought she'd had enough of the old magic tongue I kissed my way back up 'til I was kneeling between her legs, cock standin' out so hard a cat couldn't scratch it. That bad boy acted just like he was a heat seekin' missile on a mission from God. Can I hear an amen brother! Houston, the Eagle has landed!

There's nothing much more fun in this world than that very first insertion of the first couple of inches of a rock hard cock into a brand new pussy. Uncharted territory? Hell, Lewis and Clark didn't have nuthin' on me. And her territory was tight. Unusually tight. But she was good and wet and I took that first two or three inches and pushed it in a little and pulled it all the way out and rubbed it over and around her clit and started all over. Several times. In, out, rub. In, out, rub. She was gettin' hotter and hotter and talkin' to me and moanin' and tellin' me how good it felt and I was feelin' like a big time stud muffin. Soon I gave up the takin' out and rubbin' and I began to speed up the action a little bit with her encouragement and was givin' her most of Old Charlie. Not all of him. No, ya always gotta save a little for the end. Again, I'm up kinda on my knees with her fine little ass in both of my hands and held up off the bed and I'm just about ready to start long strokin' her to the grand finale and that sorry assed, miserable excuse for a dog, that blue toe nailed, ribbon wearin', leg humpin' mangy little mother fucker of a dog jumped up on the bed and stuck his cold assed nose right straight up my ass. Straight up it!

Scared the shit out of me. That dog stuck his cold assed nose right straight up my ass and I jumped forward quicker than all blue blazes and buried myself right to the fuckin' hilt in her tight little pussy. I want you to picture this friends. I've got a dog nose stuck up my ass. I'm balls deep in this gal in what can only be described as a grand slam. And what does she do? She cums! Yep, she cums and yells, "Oh, God! Yes! That's it! Just like that! Harder! Harder!" Her pussy is grippin' my dick kinda like I was grippin' that first chicken leg a while ago and she's cummin' hard and I did just what you'd expect me to do in a case like this. Hell, you'd do it too. I started to laugh. I started to laugh real hard and then I started to get real soft real fast. Pretty fuckin' ironical as we say here in Texas. She just got off and I'm kneelin' there with a useless dick in my hand and a dog up my ass. A dog with blue fuckin' toe nails. So I did what any red blooded American Yuppie with a soft dick in his hand would do. I turned around and thumped him. A good thump. Right on his big ole wet assed nose. The one that recently had been right up my ass. Right on it. He squealed. He squealed pretty loud. It was a good thump.

My lady friend doesn't have a freakin' clue what the hell's goin' on but right in the middle of what was probably the best cum she ever had in her whole damned life she jumps up and starts talkin' baby talk. "Whasamadderwidmommieswiddlebabywaby?" And I'm laughin'. I'm laughin' my newly sniffed ass off. Hell, I guess I laughed my dick off too now that I think about it. She's actually startin' to get sorta scared 'cause I'm laughin' like a fuckin' lunatic. So I'm tryin' to explain and I'm pointin' at her pussy and my dick and the dog and tryin' to catch my breath and then I see little pink ribbon wearin' sister peekin' her little bug eyes around the door to see what the hell just happened and if it's safe to come back in and I'm laughin' harder.

Ok, in the first story I posted here on Lit I laughed my ass off while tryin' to get some lovin' and didn't get any lovin'. None. Nada. No lovin'. Check out "A Beginner's Guide To Not Gettin' Any" in the humor section. You'll see that I didn't get no lovin'. But this gal was a good one. I finally quit laughin' and got everything explained and then I'll kiss your ass if she didn't give me a blow job. And a damned good, first rate, world class blow job at that. I probably should have married her. I can't remember her name after all these years but I know I should have married her. Seriously. What the hell else could a man ask for. She was pretty, a damned good cook and had a good job. She had a first rate, top notched eatin' pussy, beautiful tits and a freakin' fabulous attitude. She gave me a blowjob after I thumped her dog. And I thumped that little fucker pretty damned good. I probably should have married her. But she had those damn dogs. The Girls. Schnauzers. Shit, Schnauzers wouldn't even make good trot line bait. Did I mention that I don't care for Schnauzers?

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