A Very Good Jeeves

"That would be . . . nice." She said, staring at the napkin that she had screwed up into a tiny ball.

"Then it's decided." Timbo said, failing to hide his elation.

Stiffy looked at me and I looked at her, our knowing smiles collided over the platter of kippers.

The morning post arrived minutes before the coachload of the paying public. Loaded down with the pile of missives, I toddled off to the library to sort through them and remove the offending correspondence. By the time that I realised that the letter did not exist, the tour was well advanced, so I followed Jeeves' instructions to a 'T' and toddled off to the garden shed. Meanwhile the tour was perambulating down the corridor of the West Wing when Poppy spied Sir Roger with his head in his stamp albums. Slipping away from the group, she let herself into his study. "Hi Daddy, working on your stamps?"

Sir Roger looked up at this apparition standing before him, and any thoughts of ordering her from the room dissolved. "What? Yes, I'm trying to get them into some sort of order. Do I catalogue them in order of date, or country, or value and rarity? It gives me a head ache every time I look at them."

"My collection is by country and date, with the really valuable ones on a separate page of their own."

"Do you collect stamps?"

"Yes. I started by collecting stamps from every country I played in, and it sort of grew from there."

"Every country that you played in? Are you a theatrical person?"

"Yes, I'm currently playing at the Hippodrome in Leroy Weston's musical, 'The Girl who is'. I am the girl who is."

"I say, my son Roger has been talking about it non-stop since it opened. He has been to see it every second night. He was all excited about the leading lady at one stage, but then he said that one of the chorus girls was the bee's knees."

"Let me look at what you have here." Poppy grabbed a chair and placed it beside Sir Roger's. "My you have so many, this will take months to sort through and remount."

"I try to do as much as I can, if only to avoid my secretary who insists that I work on the family history. This family has not done anything to deserve a history to be written about them. My great-grandfather ran off with his brother's wife, but that was nothing to be proud of. My ancestors managed to avoid all of the wars, so we have no Generals or Colonels. One hereditary trait of the Podgers was chronic seasickness, so no Admirals in the family either. While wealthy, we were not known for our benefaction, we did not seek public office, all in all a boring family."

"You are not boring. You have this magnificent collection of stamps that looks to be the equal of any that I have ever seen, and I visit collectors all the time."

"Would you like to help me put my collection in order?"

"I would love to, but I have my public to think of. I can't just walk out on the show now, can I?"

"I suppose not, but there must be some way. You love stamps, you're a bright young thing and I must have you, here working with me I mean."

"I would love to Sir Podger, I really would."

"In this country it's Sir Roger, we use the Christian name and not the surname like you Yanks do. You can forget the formality and just call me Roger."

"And you must call me Poppy."

"Very well Poppy. If you have nothing better to do, will you spend some time with me and my stamps?"

"I'd love to, where do we start?"

"I say sir." Jeeves spoke softly to Leroy. "The young lady that you helped yesterday wishes to thank you. If you would follow me I will take her to you."

"Lead on MacDuff." Jeeves led him away from the group. "I have an idea. It would seem that you were somewhat taken by young Stephanie, as she was with you. And you are looking for a quiet place to write your next play. I have made enquiries in the local village, and there is a small cottage that can be rented for a reasonable fee. It is very convenient to the rear gate to the Blandings' grounds. It would provide you with the perfect place for your literary endeavours."

"I say Jeeves, you are something else again. That would seem to be a very great idea. Who do I see about taking this cottage for a short time?"

"That has already been arranged, Sir."

Having rearranged the pots in every way that I could think of, I gave up waiting for Poppy to arrive, so I strolled back towards the house. As I rounded the corner I spied the Western chappie striding across the lawns towards the rose garden. I decided to follow, he had no right to be in this part of the place. I almost collided with him as he entered into a deep conversation with Stiffy. I decided to leave them to it and hoofed it back to the house.

"I say Jeeves, do you know who I just spied striding purposefully across the park?"

"Mr Weston I would think."

"And when I caught up to him I found him in deep and meaningful conversation with Stiffy."

"Indeed Sir."

"Indeed, indeed Jeeves. Do you know what this means?"

"I have no idea Sir."

"It means that the bounder has set his sights on Stiffy and her share of the family fortune. We must do something to stop this."

"What would you suggest, Sir?"

"We must break the news to Sir Roger! Immediately Jeeves."

"I don't think that would be a wise solution, Sir."

"Why ever not. We can't let just anyone get their hands on the family moolah now, can we?"

"Mr Weston is a very wealthy man, Sir."

"What? He's in the theatre and everyone knows that theatrical types have no money."

"It would seem that his shows have been very successful both here and in New York. In any case he seems to be a vast improvement on the letter writer."

"But Jeeves, the chap is a jolly American."

"I had noticed that, Sir."

"Oh you had, had you? Well what are we to do about it?"

"If you remember, in the past Stephanie's liaisons have, in most cases, lasted only a short time and then someone else comes along to take her mind off the first fellow. If it is to be that this does not happen, then we may have to do something about it. Allow it time to sink or swim."

"I suppose so. Have you seen Poppy? She was supposed to come to the garden shed. I waited for simply hours and she made no appearance. Not a sign of her in that whole time. I wonder where she is."

"By now she must be comfortably seated on the bus for the return journey."

"Dash it Jeeves, I thought that the whole point of getting her and that Weston chappie to tootle on down was so that I could confront her and spend some time with her."

"Indeed Sir. That would seem to have been the plan."

"But it failed Jeeves! I shan't see her until after this binge on Saturday night."

"Indeed Sir."

The dinner bell rang and we tooled on down to the dining hall. Timbo and Winnie continued their dewy eyed yearnings from across the table. Roger the two had arrived home from his brush with the constabulary and confining to the cells. He tucked into the roast beef with gusto, demolishing serve after serve of the juicy roast and veg. Stiffy had a far-off look in her eyes and picked at her food. Was she pining over the lack of missive in today's post, or was she pining for the absent Mr Weston? As for Sir Roger, he was as distant as always except for a brief moment mid-meal. "I shall be travelling to London on the morrow and would be back on Saturday for the festivities."

"What? There is so much still to do."

"But you can do it all yourselves, you don't need me to trip over. Timothy and Winifred have the guest list and the seating arrangements under control, or they will if they can keep their minds on the job." This brought a bright redness to the faces of both of them. "Beltrane and Blackford have the catering under control, the decorations will be put up on Saturday morning. What do you need me for?"

"You haven't been to town for over two years, why the sudden urge to go now?" Roger the Two asked.

"Now that you have vacated the place, I feel that it is safe to make an appearance."

"That's most unkind of you Pater, It wasn't my fault that I was apprehended and detained."

With still two days to go before the shindig, Jeeves and I felt left out of things. I thought of slipping back to town to see Poppy once more. I confided as much to Jeeves, but the man would not hear of it.

"But Sir, you have a task to perform. That is why you were invited down. You are to intercept any missive from that detestable Henshaw toad."

"Dash it Jeeves, once the letter has been intercepted and removed, there is nothing left for me to do. Stiffy has been wandering off on some mission or other, so I don't have her verbal jousting to contend with."

"The time will soon be over Sir. You can then return to your hectic social routine, pleased with a job well done." (And I can get back to Lobelia and Honoria, as well as any other young thing that you become infatuated with. What a life, having a master who thoughtfully provides me with a never ending supply of lissom young ladies, and has not yet figured out why they lose interest in him after he brings them home.)

"There is that to it I suppose."

Three more stitches made their appearance on Aunt Agatha's tapestry.

Friday dawned, and with it a surprise. There was no sign of Timbo at breakfast. Nor was there any sign of the Winifred girl. A search party was dispatched to search their rooms, and they returned with an even bigger surprise. A note.

"Dear Pater and family," It began in Timbo's hand. "By now you will have realised that I am now longer in habitation. I have eloped with my darling Winnie. We have applied for a Marriage Licence and are heading even now for Caxton Hall to be married. We intend to return for the party and then to our honeymoon. Love Timothy." This was followed, in Winnie's hand by, "I'm so very happy, Winifred Grainger, soon to be Podger."

Stiffy did her now familiar disappearing trick immediately that breakfast was finished.

"I say Jeeves, you don't think that the Godfrey Henshaw has shown up in the vicinity and that she has slipped away to meet him?"

"I think not Sir."

"Why would you think not Jeeves? Do you know something of her whereabouts?"

"I do believe that she has gone to London for the day."

"But how would she get there?"

"On the morning train, Sir."

"But how would she get there?"

"I drove her to the railway station early this morning."

"You what? What if she was going to meet that Henshaw . . . person, what then?"

"I am informed that she is not meeting him. That disaster in her life is well behind her." (In fact when I left her on the platform she was in the passionate embrace of Mr Weston.)

"What is happening in this house? There will be numerous influential people coming down on the morrow to attend young Roger's coming of age do, and the rest of the family has absented itself from the place. It is almost as if they don't want to be here."

"They will be here, or so I have been assured."

In her room, and in a moment of impetuous celerity, Aunt Agatha applied herself with gusto and five stitches were applied to her tapestry.

"Could life get any worse or more complicated?" I mused to myself on the Saturday am as I strolled absently around the empty grounds. No sight of Timbo taking Winnie on yet another guided tour of the lake. No more continuous barrage of comments from the sarcastic mouth of Stiffy. No more Sir Roger hiding from Winifred and his duty to write the family history. There was only Roger the Two, waddling around the lawns in a desperate attempt to lose enough poundage by this evening to fit into his tux. I didn't think I should tell him that munching on the shin bone of last night's roast while he walked would not help this reduction.

The sound of Timbo's machine roaring down the drive broke the morning silence. It stopped at the front door and disgorged a happy driver and his blushing bride. Beltrane came out to greet them. "Good morning young sir. You surprised most of the family with your news."

"Most of the family? I would have thought that all of them would have been flabbergasted by the news."

"But then, most of the family weren't here. Stephanie disappeared immediately the news broke, and your father was down in London. That only left your brother and Bertie."

"We must go and change out of our wedding finery. Come my dear." He held out his hand, and the two of them rushed into the house. They did not emerge for two hours, and when they did it was obvious that they did more than just change their clothes.

A little before luncheon a cab pulled up out front and Stiffy emerged, with Leroy Weston. "Hello all. Guess what? I am, as of yesterday, Mrs Leroy Weston of London and New York."

"What? You too?" Roger the Two stood there in amazement.

"Yes Brother, we were married yesterday."

"So was I." Timbo said, still holding Winnie's hand.

"My god, what is this place coming to? What is the next bombshell going to be? This is supposed to be my day, my party is tonight. How can I celebrate my coming of age when both of my siblings have gone off and got themselves married?"

He had somewhat calmed down by afternoon tea time, and things were looking up. The guests would soon be arriving and the family were at least on speaking terms. No-one actually saw Sir Roger arrive home, but just as tea was served, he emerged through the door. "I have an announcement to make."

"No, don't tell us that you've gone off and got married too?" Roger the Two said.

"As a matter of fact I'm here to announce that I have hired a new Secretary. Winifred was getting too distracted by Timothy. So without any further to do, let me introduce you all to this wonderful new Secretary, who just happens to be my new bride, the former Miss Poppy Shaw."

Poppy stepped into the room. "You!" She looked horrified in the general direction of Roger the Two.

"You!" Roger the Two cried and rushed from the room.

"Podgy, take me away from here this instant."

"What is it my precious? What's the matter?"

"Do you remember me telling you about that loathsome stage door Johnny who pestered me for months and is now pestering Millie?"

"You don't mean to say that my son is than man?"

"I do mean to say that. Unless he gets down on bended knee, humbly apologises and begs forgiveness, I just cannot live under the same roof as him."

"I understand Poppykins, and I shall attend to it immediately."

"That is what I like about you my Podgey, the masterful way that you grasp the nettle and attend to the matter at hand." Poppy playfully grabbed a handful of both jowls and kissed him.

The masterful Podgey strode with great purpose to the room where even now Roger the Two was cowering.

"Roger, open this door."

"Go away, I will not have you view my mortification. How could you do this to me? The one woman that I wanted, and you go and marry her."

"Let me in and I will explain all."

The door opened and closed behind Sir Roger. Roger the Two returned to his bed and tear soaked pillow.

"The other day, my soon to be wife entered my life in a most enchanting way. She is the first woman that has shown the slightest interest in my stamps. She proved to be very knowledgeable on the subject and before long I asked her to become my secretary and assist me with them. I went to London to meet her and finalise arrangements and decided to take in her show. What a performance! She demonstrated to me that she truly was 'The Girl Who Is'. I decided there and then that I should marry her."

"But Pater, she's young enough to be your daughter."

"If you could choose one woman my age that you thought that I would find interesting, then I might have been tempted to marry her. But there's not one among those old crones that would give me a moment's peace. Now, what I want you to do is to come down to my study and issue a heartfelt apology to your new mother."

"I suppose that I shall have to, won't I?"

"Let me put it to you this way, if you do not do this small thing, you will be cut off without a penny."

Moments later both the Rogers were in the study with Poppy, and the younger Roger was struggling with the words of his apology. "What do I call you, Mater?"

"Mother will do for now."

"Mother, I find myself in a difficult position. Recently I allowed my infatuation with you to scramble my brain into thinking that you could show an interest in yours truly. This I concluded, was not to be the case, so I confess to having directed my attentions elsewhere. If my actions in any way caused you offence, then for this I offer you my sincerest and humble apologies."

Poppy walked over to him and gave him a slight hug. "Apology accepted."

"Thank god for that." Roger the Two thought to himself as he trudged off to the kitchen in search of food. "Hopefully nothing else will go wrong."

Jeeves was in my room preparing my tails for the festivities. I was hovering aimlessly about watching the early guests arriving and being shown to their quarters.

"What ho old fruit!" The cheery voice of Bingo Little entered my ears.

"Bingo! So you made it. And who is this ravishing young lady on your arm?"

"Bertie, I would like you to meet the new star of 'The Girl Who Is', Millie Frobisher. Millie, this is the best chum a chap could ever have, Bertie Wooster."

"It is a great pleasure to meet you Bertie." Millie held out her hand.

"I say, it's smashing to meet you."

"Millie has just had the most amazing luck. Just days ago she was the understudy for the star of the show, Poppy Shaw, didn't you know her Bertie?"

"I may have met her." I said, hiding my disappointment that the love of my life was now wed to another in the shape of Sir Roger.

"It would seem that she has met this bloated plutocrat and has decided to marry the old codger, thus leaving a hole in the cast. The writer of the show arrived back in town from his country hibernation, full of cheer and beneficence and, on assessing the situation, offered the role to Millie. He then tootled off to get married himself. What do you say to that, eh Bertie?"

"Your news comes as no surprise to the brain of the Wooster. Even as we speak the former 'Girl Who Is' is ensconced in the ancestral pile as the new lady of the house. Married to my uncle, the Squire of Blandings Hall, Sir Roger Podger himself. And to add an additional note to this story, One Leroy Weston, the writer of 'The Girl Who Is' is similarly ensconced in the ancestral pile as the husband of my cousin, Lady Stephanie Podger."

"Poppy's here?" Millie squealed. "When can I see her?"

"Stiffy married? Gosh, and to think that at one time I carried a torch for her."

"Oh golly, I see dark clouds on the horizon. Where is Jeeves?" At that precise moment Jeeves made his propitious entrance onto the scene. "I say Jeeves, we have a frightful fix on our hands."

"Indeed, Sir?"

"You, of course, are cognisant of the recent upheavals to rock this pile regarding the matrimony of Poppy Shaw to Sir Roger?"

"Indeed, Sir."

"And the ruckus this caused in no small part by young Podger being the bloated chappie paying his unwanted attentions to Miss Shaw?" (He stood no chance once she sampled the Jeeves cock.)

"Indeed, I was aware of that, Sir."

"And, after being shown the door by Miss Shaw, he turned his attentions to a fellow member of the cast?"

"I was made aware of that situation."

"This young lady on Bingo's arm is that self-same young cast member, Miss Millie Frobisher."

"I see, Sir. What you are telling me is that if the younger Roger's gaze should alight upon Miss Millie here, we will have a situation not unlike that of this afternoon, but without Sir Roger to intervene?" (Who do you think arranged for that to happen?)

"You've hit the nail on the jolly old head as usual Jeeves."

"Astute chap, as ever Jeeves." Bingo enthused.