A Very Good Jeeves

"We need a plan Jeeves."

"As you wish, Sir."

"Come man, stir the grey matter into life and issue forth your usual pearls of wisdom."

"I shall need a few moments to think over the situation. I think that it will be best if you were to amuse Mr little and Miss Frobisher in your room while I mull over this." With a thoughtful expression on his usually expressionless face, Jeeves strode into the house.

In Sir Roger's study some serious stamp gazing was in progress, when a tap on the door announced the arrival of Jeeves. "I am so sorry to disturb you Sir, Madam, but a situation has arisen that could spoil this evening's festivities."

"What is it Jeeves?" Sir Roger asked.

"The situation that you had this afternoon is likely to arise again. Miss Millie has just arrived on the arm of Bertie's friend Bingo Little."

"Am I to assume that this Millie person is the one to whom young Roger transferred his affections?"

"Indeed that is the case, Sir."

"Dashed young fool. What are we to do?"

"If we can manage to get through dinner without him noticing her, we may be able to persuade her to absent herself from the dancing part of the festivities."

"But how are we to arrange this?" Sir Roger asked.

"This Little person that brought her here, are they the best of friends or merely acquaintances?" Poppy asked.

"I believe that there is a certain affection being shown by them."

"Good. Where is Millie now?"

"She is in Bertie's room with Mr Little."

"Bring her here, tell her that I wish to share my happiness with her, and leave the rest to me."

"I believe we are of similar mind Madam." Jeeves oiled off to fetch Millie.

"Poppy!" Squealed Millie on being shown into the study.

"Millie, it is wonderful to see you. Have a seat, we have a serious problem to discuss."

"So it would seem. Bingo and Bertie have been stretching their brain cells to the limit to come up with a solution. They are no nearer a sensible one than they were at the beginning."

"Worry not, Jeeves and I have come up with a plan. We are going to switch the place cards around so that you do not face the young Roger during dinner. Then you will plead a headache and retire to your room with Mr Little and amuse yourself for the rest of the evening. Do you think that you could do that?"

"Yes. I must admit to having a fondness for Bingo, so it will be no great imposition."

"Good, now off you go and get ready. One final thing, not a word to Bertie or Bingo."

"Mum's it." Millie said with finger to lips.

"Now Jeeves, we must make Podgey aware of this potential disaster and our solution to the problem."

"Do you think that wise Madam? From my previous encounters with him, he does seem to over-react when something upsets him."

"He is a new man Jeeves. This afternoon he confronted the young Roger and threatened him with expulsion from the will. He was masterful, and if he knows of the situation we can be sure that he will act appropriately. And by the way Jeeves, when we are together, I think it okay for you to call me Poppy, after all our relationship is by no means distant."

"Very well Madam, I mean Poppy."

"Good, off we go to see Podgey and appraise him of our plan."

While this exchange was taking place, Bingo and I were plotting a different solution. "I will slip into the gun room and charge the pair of duelling pistols with powder but no ball. After dinner I will impress upon him your desire to view these magnificent weapons. While he is showing you the weapons you will ask him to demonstrate the duelling techniques. He will point the pistol at you and pull the trigger while making the appropriate 'bang' noise. The pistol will discharge and you will fall to the ground. Whereupon I will proclaim that he has rendered you lifeless and he will decamp with great haste for fairer climes."

"Are you sure that you know how to charge these pistols Bertie?"

"A sizeable piece of bran muffin Bingo, a large chunk of cake. Nothing to it." I assured him.

Bingo went in search of Millie while I strolled off to charge the armaments.

The celebratory meal was a rowdy affair, apart for two exceptions. I found myself seated abut my nemesis, the detestable Maud Basset. Preparing myself for such jolly japes as salt in my tea instead of sugar, I was astounded to find her positively pleasant company. "How are you Bertie? I haven't seen you around of late, where have you been?"

"Thither and yon, I find myself caught up in various occupations."

"Tell me, how is Sir Roger, still holding a grudge against you for drowning him in his sleep?"

"He has forgotten that incident, but I have not. How could you do that to me at a time when it was important that I did not rock the family boat any more than necessary?"

"A girl has to have some fun from time to time, what else is there to occupy an agile mind apart from marriage to some blithering idiot. Tell me Bertie, does any young lady have her matrimonial claws sunk into your hide?"

"What a ghastly thought, The Wooster bachelorhood remains intact."

"I see that I will have to do something about that. Now of the beauties on offer this evening which would I choose for you, that vapid little blonde hanging off Sir Roger's every word perhaps?"

"Too late for that, she is Sir Roger's new wife."

"You don't say? What about Bingo's partner, she looks silly enough?"

"No, she would not do, too close to home, she's a friend of Lady Podger."

"Then I'm afraid Bertie, for that just leaves little me."

"You? I would as soon go bathing in a crocodile infested swamp than marry you? We would be fighting non-stop and I would never feel safe in my bed while ever there is a darning needle and billiard cue in the immediate vicinity."

"But Bertie, I am no longer a jape loving child. I have seen the error of my ways and decided that I should undertake an important project. I have chosen becoming your wife as my project. What do you think?"

My normally astute brain failed me in my time of need. "I shall have to apply my brain to this matter, and consult Jeeves. If you were to become the lady of the house there would be no need for his services, and I would be forced to dispense with them. What would the man do?"

"You do not need to dispense with him, I'm sure that he and I are capable of working together."

"Be that as it may, I must discuss it with the man before setting the brain to work on my decision."

Having pushed the bombshell to one side for the moment, I turned my attention on Roger the Two and the potential disaster for him espying Millie at the table. I need not have worried because of the second exception.

Roger the Two's total concentration was so focussed on the conveying of as much of the provender from plate to mouth as possible, that he was oblivious of the presence of Millie at the table. Once the throng had consumed the final dessert course, its attention was drawn to the two handed feeding system employed by the guest of honour. A pat of the corpulent tummy, a solid slug of champagne, and a loud and prolonged burp announced the conclusion of the meal, and the guests withdrew to various vantage points around the ballroom in preparation for the dancing to follow as soon as the orchestra assembled.

Seizing the moment, I sidled up to the guest of honour and announced the desire of my friend, Mr Little, to see Roger's much admired duelling pistols. Roger, suitably honoured by this request, led Bingo and I to the gun room. Taking a polished wooden box from a locked cabinet, he laced it on the table and opened it. "If I may say so myself, there is not a finer pair of pistols in the entire country." Taking one from the box, he held it at arm's length and sighted down the barrel.

"How does this duelling thingy work then?" Bingo asked. "Do the participants walk a suitable distance apart, like this?" He strode ten paces down the room and turned, raising his gunless arm, he pointed his index finger at Roger. "Who tells them when to fire?"

"Actually, both men stand back to back and, at a command they take ten paces, turn and fire. Come here and I will demonstrate." Bingo stood with his back to that of Roger. "One," they both set off. "Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, fire! Bang!"

Bingo fell to the ground clutching his chest. I rushed to his side. "He's been shot through the heart, he's dead!"

"Balderdash man, the pistol did not discharge." Roger said.

The realisation that the pistol had not in fact discharged, thus signalling the failure of our carefully contrived plan, spurred the Bingo and I into action. Leaping to our feet, we dashed from the gun room and ran at speed to my room. "We must pack and leave." I panted.

"Agreed." Bingo panted. "What went wrong?" He asked. "I thought that you knew how to load a pistol."

"I followed procedure to the veritable letter." I pondered. "Maybe the powder was wet or something." A further moment of pondering brought a flash of inspiration. "I must find Jeeves, he will know what to do." I went in search of Jeeves, this left Bingo to return to his room to pack his bags, find Millie, and decamp.

He needed to look no further than his room to find Millie, and Poppy, and Sir Roger. "Where's Bertie?" Poppy asked.

"He's scouring the mansion and grounds in search of Jeeves."

"He should have come here with you, Jeeves will return shortly, he's tending to some business."

I had reached the west wing when my eyes alighted on the sight of Jeeves backing out of a room shoes in hand. A naked female arm snaked out and drew Jeeves' head back into the room. "Come back quickly, you remarkable man you." The throaty voice of Honoria growled at him. A further hand reached out and playfully grabbed his groin.

"Indeed Madam, I shall return momentarily, I have some pressing business to attend to."

"Jeeves, what on earth are you doing?" (It's patently obvious what I am doing.)

"Attending to some business Sir. If you will come with me, we have matters to attend to ourselves."

Shaking my head in disbelief at what I had just seen, I followed Jeeves to Bingo's room. Additional shaking of my disbelieving head at seeing the assembled masses, I sat in the first available chair. "What does all of this mean?"

"Your silly plan has backfired quite spectacularly, as usual." Stiffy said. "Jeeves and Poppy had everything under control. But, as usual you had to hatch some harebrained scheme that had as much chance of success as a cart horse at Ascot. When last seen, brother Roger was trying to hide from Millie here, who, according to our plan, was supposed to be amusing herself in this very room with Bingo."

"I was so looking forward to it." Millie said with a far off gaze.

"That's the last time I listen to you Bertie." Bingo said, rushing to Millie's side.

"Dash it all, my plan was perfectly reasonable except that the blessed firearm refused to explode as planned."

"That was because Jeeves removed the charge. He saw you and Bingo go into the gun room, and thought to himself, 'what plot would the Master be hatching I wonder?' He waited until you had left and entered the room himself and removed the powder from the pistols."

There was a knock on the door and Beltrane entered. "Ah, at last I have found you. Miss Stephanie, there is a gentleman waiting in the Library to speak to you. He says his name is Godfrey Henshaw and claims to be your fiancé."

"Damn the man, why won't he take sod off for an answer. As soon as I realised that I was no longer in love with him I sent a telegram informing him of that fact."

"We shall assemble a deputation to go down and confront the bounder." The new and masterful Sir Roger declared. Thus it was that he and Poppy, Stiffy and Weston filed down the stairs to the Library where a hopeful Godfrey Henshaw waited for his intended. His confident expression change in an instant when the deputation entered the room. "You!" Cried Poppy. "How dare you show your face here intent on claiming Stephanie for your bride after what you did to Millie Frobisher?"

"What are you talking about? I know no Millie what's her name."

"You say that your name is Godfrey Henshaw." Poppy said. "But when you proposed to Millie, you did so under the name of Grantham Howard."

"You are deluded Madam, I know not what you are talking about."

"I shall go fetch Millie, she will confirm this story. I have seen you skulking around the stage door myself." Weston said as he left the room.

"I do not wish to stand here and allow you to make these scurrilous accusations against my good name, I shall leave. Good evening to you all." He bowed and backed toward the door.

"Hold sir, where do you think that you're going?"

"I am removing myself from your presence."

"You are going nowhere until this matter is settled."

"Isn't he masterful?" Thought Poppy.

"This is a new man." Thought Stiffy.

"My goose is cooked." Thought Godfrey/Grantham.

"You cad!" Said Millie on entering the library on Bingo's arm.

"I can explain." Whined Godfrey/Grantham.

"You cad!" Cried Bingo, who had been informed of the situation.

"I believe that the gig is up my man. I would ask you to leave and to never darken this door again." Sir Roger grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and marched him towards the servants' entrance, through which, propelled by a well-placed kick, he found himself expelled from the house.

Where was I when this was happening? I had been searching for Jeeves, but abandoned it when I heard, in passing Honoria's door, her exultant shout of. "A fence Jeeves, up and over! Tally ho! That was a good one." What was I to think? Jeeves who has given me exemplary service for so long, was being diverted from his duty by my very own cousin Honoria.

With this new, and devastating, revelation occupying my mind, I made my way back to my room where I could sit in peace and gather my thoughts.

"About time you got here Bertie, I have been waiting simply hours for you."

"Maud, what are you doing in my bed?"

"In our bed Bertie. The sooner you resign yourself to the fact that I mean to become Mrs Bertie Wooster the better."

"But what about me, don't I have any say in this?"

"No Bertie."

"I shall have to discuss this with Jeeves."

"That will do you no good, he has accepted a better offer of employment. He has this very evening agreed to become the Ladies Gentleman of your aunt Lobelia and cousin Honoria. His services will be sorely needed, you see, Honoria has agreed to marry my brother Lancelot."

"But he's one of those!"

"A fruit, yes. It is a marriage of convenience, and because of this situation, Honoria requires a diversion, Jeeves will be that diversion, and is even now cementing his position in their household. Come to bed Bertie." She held the sheets open in invitation for me to join her naked body. Without Jeeves' advice I succumbed.

In her room, Aunt Agatha placed a further stitch in black at the halfway point of her tapestry entitled 'Widow at Night'. She was quite potty.