A Welcome Torment

"You didn't," I whispered.

"Hm?"

"Rape me. You said you would rape me, but you only..." I couldn't say much more.

She looked down at me. She was holding onto something heavy, something she was keeping from crashing down. "There are lots of ways to rape someone, Dana."

I closed my eyes. I was so tired.

"I want you to drink this." A small phial appeared in her hand when I opened my eyes.

"Is it gonna..."

Her eyes held the weight of my unfinished question. "Yes."

I drank it.

***

I sat up, groggy and dry. My wrists still chaffed as I rubbed at them. They weren't bound, neither were my feet. I got out of the bed and for the first time since this all began, I stood. I was shaky, almost immediately falling under my own weight, but I managed to stay upright.

Clothes were laid out for me, at the foot of the bed. Yoga pants and another t-shirt. I thought briefly about not changing into them, but my jeans were starting to dig in uncomfortably after a night of sleeping in them. I changed and then, self-consciously, looked around.

She was sitting, watching me as I moved around; the way a mother watches a child at play. She wasn't hidden away, but she was in the dark. I could barely make out her smile.

"How do you feel?"

I waited a moment before replying. "Have you been here this whole time? Do you watch me sleep?"

Her smile slowly faded into the shadow. "When I ask you a question, I expect you to answer it, Dana." She stood and I flinched slightly, falling back onto the bed.

She froze and her stiffness faded. The warmth was still gone, but so was the sudden edge. She stepped forward so I could see her better and held her hands behind her back.

She wore a dark skirt and an impossibly light blue blouse, unbuttoned to her chest and covered by a vest. When she set her hands on her hips, wrists upturned, her shirt would bunch forward and I could almost see-

She cleared her throat and my eyes jumped up to meet her gaze. "I will be here whenever you are awake. You won't have any privacy during our time together."

A part of me recoiled at that, resented her for it, but I blushed and lowered my gaze.

She dismissed the first part and walked up to the second, taking my chin into the palm of one hand. She kept a firm grasp on my eyes with her own, but pointed my face squarely at where her open blouse just barely hid away her body. Woody spice radiated from her, it was overwhelming.

The hand that held my chin gently pivoted on a finger, pressed into my temple. It pushed down to my collarbone and gently pressed my body back to center over the bed; I hadn't noticed how far forward I was leaning.

That hand found my eyes and led them back to her chest. In a motion like a snap, it undid a button on her blouse. Another perfect square inch of skin uncovered and, like a gemstone unearthed, so was her necklace. The chain and ring glinted in the sterile light.

"I want you to do something, Dana." A voice floated down.

"Anything." I said it instantly.

"I want you to submit to me."

The heft of her request beat into my chest and burrowed next to my heart. Somewhere else, I knew that it meant so much, but here my answer just slid out of me.

"Of course, anything."

The voice said something else that I didn't hear. I stood up. Someone took my place, sitting on the bed and their legs stretched out in front. I knelt and pushed myself over them.

A voice dully slid down into my ears.

"Do you understand?"

"What?"

I felt a crack against my backside. She had been spanking me. I wasn't sure with what.

My head swam. The heavy thwacking was radiating into my body, muddying everything. What was that? It was heavy, but not like wood.

She kept digging at me, drawing out pain that I didn't feel, tears that I didn't cry. I looked back to see what she was hitting me with.

Her hand appeared at my neck and held me by the chin.

She twisted my neck back to look up at her. I could only see her out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't see anything else.

"No." My head was starting to fill up again. "No!"

I fell, off her lap and onto the hard floor. I tried to scramble up, but she grabbed me by fistfuls of my shirt. She hauled me up and walked me hurriedly backwards. I had to struggle to keep up. If I slipped, she would drag me.

We wound up at a wall, a cold cement thing, She shoved me into it with one arm, the other wrapping around me. I felt a dull thud against my head. Her hand pressed incessantly into my collarbone, threatening my open neck.

My breathing was ragged, panicked.

"Be still." She commanded. She held me, steady as a rock.

For a few long, tense moments, my breaths only trickled out. My rapid, frantic ones buffered against hers, slow and quiet. She slowly synced my sounds to hers.

"Why did you break free?" Her voice rippled the stillness.

"I didn't hear you."

Her grip softened, but I was still pinned uncomfortably to the wall. She only needed to look at me, my words stumbled out on their own.

"I didn't hear you. We, we were talking and then I was over you...your lap-"

Tears started coming down; I didn't know from where, but I didn't want to submit to them.

"You, I just. I don't know what you want, I don't know how..."

Her eyes widened, ever so slightly, and she wrapped me in her, pulling me forward. I broke down in earnest.

"I want you, Dana. I want all of you, every piece."

My stomach ballooned with the thought of it. I hugged her back, matching her gentleness.

I wanted to stay there, in that moment, forever. Just a little longer at least, but she pulled away and cupped my face with a hand. Her eyes sparkled.

She turned, tucking the necklace under her shirt, and retrieved a roll of bandages

I gingerly touched the back of my head. There was blood, but no injury. She had held the back of my head as she pushed me into the stone wall. I looked back to her, bandaging a bloody hand. I winced when I saw it.

I moved to help her, but she stopped me with a raised hand. I stood, awkwardly, and waited. She finished and started to set out a porcelain tea set and, next to it, a dark thermos. The two looked so strange next to each other; I couldn't decide which didn't belong.

"Why don't you..." She spoke again.

"Yes?"

Something settled in her look. "There's a small phial in that duffle." She nodded with her head. "You'll recognize it. Go and get it."

I did as she asked. I couldn't help but notice what else the bag contained as I rummaged through it: baby oil, numbing cream, a wooden paddle that I recognized and one I didn't, sex toys and fetish gear in unopened packages.

I found my prize and zipped up the bag. She didn't seem to notice my snooping. I brought the phial back as she finished pouring the tea, something strong and black.

I handed her the phial and she promptly added it to a cup that she handed back to me.

I looked at her, basking in her gaze. I wanted her stare to last as long as possible. I liked the thought of her watching me as I slept.

"Good night."

"Good night, Dana."

***

I couldn't get used to waking up alone. The bed was so big, it was hard to fill with only me. It felt somehow unfair.

She sound and smell surprised me: she walked up carrying a breakfast tray laden with savory-smelling cuts of meat, bread, butter, and jam. I couldn't remember the last thing I ate. Everything smelled fresh, even her clove scent was newly applied, overlaying everything else. My stomach growled.

She wore slacks and a maroon button-up, the sleeves rolled up and pushed out of the way. It was the kind of thing you would wear home before changing. Her necklace was gone. I wondered where it went.

I looked around for the paddle or anything else from one of the bags, but the bags were hidden away.

"You aren't going to hurt me?" I almost hated the hint of disappointment I noticed in my own voice.

"Why don't we start with breakfast?" She set the tray down over my legs, near my ankles.

She surprised me again by walking on her knees over the bed, settling just on the other side of the tray, facing me. She was barefoot, her toenails perfectly manicured and painted a soft red.

She helped herself to the tray, carefully selecting a few biscuits and an orange. If she felt the strangeness or difference I did, she didn't show it. I sat up and scooted closer to the tray.

She didn't look up, her attention focused on the orange she was peeling. I had never been jealous of an orange before. "Tell me about yourself, Dana."

I pretended she called the orange "Dana." It was the smallest, most petty thing I could think of, but it gave me a reason not to answer.

She didn't look up, she didn't repeat herself, the pieces of orange peel collecting in front of her. The silence was harder to stand than I expected.

I looked down at my hands. "That's a vague question." She frowned; I felt it without looking at her. I pressed a thumb into my palm until it hurt. "What do you want to know?"

"Start with family. Are they nearby you? Further away?"

"Um. Back home, Michigan. I see them every year, but they wish it were more."

"I can't blame them." She flashed the orange a smile. It seemed...nervous. She didn't even look up at me for it.

"Any siblings? Just you and your parents?"

"A brother, no dad though..." I hesitated.

She looked up, but there was nothing...pushy in her eyes. She wanted to know, but wouldn't mind if I didn't tell her.

"He, ah. He wasn't a great guy, to my mom especially." Her expression held sympathy, but it wasn't overflowing. It didn't make me feel bad.

"My brother's a lawyer. I don't hear from him much. I think he was just happy to get away and never look back."

"It must have been hard to leave you. He must think of you often." Her voice was warm and soft, like sheets out of a dryer.

"He always gets in touch for the holidays. He has the cutest family."

We talked like this for awhile. She could skate over small-talk like ice and find deeper things, hidden away. It felt nice to be seen. No one ever took so hard a look at me before.

"You keep yourself closed off from people, slow to trust. Is that from your dad?"

"Maybe. Sometimes I worry that people...won't know what to do with me. It's easier to keep some distance than explain everything in my head. It's a lot of work, connecting with people."

She chewed thoughtfully.

"Maybe that is from my dad." I said, more to myself.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"My dad is...a lot, honestly. I blamed mom for leaving him for years, but honestly I kind of get it now."

"Funny how that happens; we only start to figure out our parents after we leave home." Her smiles were easy and warm. I loved making her smile.

"After we turn into them." My smile disappeared faster than I meant it to. "I think she just needed to do it without him, raise kids. She's a strong woman, family is her whole world."

"Family is a big world."

"Yeah." I couldn't help but smile, thinking of her. "She gave me a lot, she gave up a lot for me."

"You were worth it."

I blushed. We had finished our food, but the tray still lay between us. As we went along, she stacked the clean plates to leave room and make space. Two cups of tea sat between us now. When she poured, I couldn't help but think of that scene from The Princess Bride, where both cups are poisoned.

"Is that what you want?"

"To drink? Do you have anything other than black tea? I hate it so bitter."

She smiled "No, I meant: out of life, for yourself. To be happy. What do you want?"

"I, I don't know." My face felt waxy. I wasn't sure if I was smiling or frowning.

"Tell me." She said it gently.

I sat for a minute, but not in thought; I knew the answer. "I want...I want something, someone to make me happy. I don't think I've ever felt...happy." My words were coming out a little faster.

"I mean, I'm 32, I'm still freelancing, writing about things I don't care about, sharing opinions I don't have. It's...it's just so hard to keep going. To keep doing what I'm supposed to. To commit to one more day so maybe, eventually, I'll be closer to...to..."

My head hung. "I don't know."

She gently squeezed my foot. It was the first time she touched me since I woke up. I met her eyes, beautiful and warm.

"I think it's beautiful to keep going. It's hard and not made less by the effort. Our lives are what we put into them, and you've put a lot into yours. You have a lot to be proud of."

I choked out a small laugh and felt something bubbling up in me. I wanted to share it with her, but this time I kept it for myself.

"What about you," I asked, sniffling, "what do you want?"

She smiled. "I think it's time for bed."

I wanted to protest, but I knew better. I was feeling tired, anyway. I went to retrieve my phial and drank it, coming back to settle into bed. She had removed the tray and remade the sheets and pillows that I promptly ruined.

This time, she crawled into bed behind me, wrapping me up in her warmth and easing me back gently into her. She swept the hair from my face before kissing my forehead. It was heavenly. I loved that it was the last thing that happened before I fell asleep.

***

I awoke to a brand new laptop sitting humbly at the foot of the bed next to her. Seeing me sit up, she picked up the laptop and placed it into my lap. I opened it to an open webpage, an article I wrote a lifetime ago. It was an opinion piece, a criticism of a few different tech companies' data collection practices. I remember feeling so strongly about it when I first wrote the article. I believed that it was possible to gather massive collections of specific information points on people, to know basically anything about them, from their secret desires to their favorite meal. I was an entirely different person then. Now it seemed so petty to criticize something that had never even affected me, something a whole world away.

"It's time, Dana. Write your retraction."

I did. It felt almost sad to finish it. Like something was ending, but I wasn't sure what could possibly be over. I showed her my work, and waited as she looked it over. It was wonderful, her reading something of mine. I was wondering what else I had written that she might like when she surprised me with a full-mouthed kiss. It was a deep kiss, more insistent than I was used to. I couldn't have pulled away if I tried. After a little while, everything started to fade, even her, as I gently slipped into unconsciousness. It was strange, being dragged away from her while she held me. I didn't even remember her drugging me.