- Romance
- A Young Single Father
- Comments
All Comments on 'A Young Single Father'
by olddave51
- 21 Comments
Overcritical11 months agoReads like it was written by someone in elementary school. A silly plot with very few redeeming features. 2*
Anonymous11 months agoWay too many coincidences. Trust funds, large insurance payouts. And all that before he marries Ann. Also, the story is told in a very dry fashion. A very decent premise, kind of wasted with the Joe Friday "just the facts ma'am" style.
Anonymous11 months agoI very much enjoyed the story line. Minor quibble: 5 year olds don't generally sit in booster seats being fed.
Anonymous11 months agoA good story and story line, but it could use some polishing. It also could have used a bit more at the end. To explain how it felt reading it, imagine riding a roller coaster as it slowly crawls up a huge hill. As you crest the top, expecting the thrilling rush of a mad dash down the other side, you instead find yourself pulling into the station and disembarking.
Anonymous11 months agoNo fun! Very „technically“ written, ie terribly dry. All is said that needs to be said, but not a iota more. The characters have hardly any life in them. The epilogue kills it completely. It is absolutely not necessary - as is true for most epilogues - and tries to describe a lifetime with a few sentences. Hardly fair to those lifes.
olddave5111 months agoAuthorA.I. hush your mouth !
This story was inspired by a good friend who did lose his wife on the way to the hospital I guess I should have put that in a preview notes.
I guess I must be having trouble with showing emotion in my writing, still working on it. I do feel emotional when I am writing. I find it hard to put my own tears and smiles into the stories.
I thank all who have read my stories. I thank all for most of the commits.
Abimelech11 months agoI like the storylines of your stories: the setting a little bit out of the way, the role of the public (students, colleagues, neighbours, ...), the mix of tragedy and love, the importance of children in the lifes of your characters.
I agree, that there is missing (so far) depth to characters and plot.
I would like to know more about a character. Why is she or he lovable or interesting or remarkable. Use dialog as a means to give more insight. What are they thinking, feeling in detail? Some could be funny so that the reader can laugh.
For me most of your epilogues are to much of a jump. I would prefer to know more smaller steps of the life of someone I started to like.
There does not necessarily needs to be more sex, but it could be more correct. (You finger someone, find the g-spot, usually the hymen is broken OR if you break through it, the orgasm is not just a "dozen or so strokes" away in a first time intercourse).
This is said considering your normal approach to sex, which leaves out enormous cocks, gigantic tits and all this vocabulary which (for me) is most of the time more ridiculous than arousing.
I would wish for you to take more time (aka write longer stories) to develop characters and plot.
There is already a development from your first story in April to your last. I will look forward to more of you.
Yours sincerely
Baldy748 months agoI do like your stories, just wish there was more dialogue between your characters.
Flar19586 months agoThanks for your writing. I think i read a newspaper story it clearly lack deeper emotions. Lastly where was a story i got tears in me eyes. Because the teller coud put the emotions in the right words. Look in "Mausefalle" and "Bringing Carrie Home" they are different stil but show emotions non less. I hope to be on handy for you to improf.
larryisok11 day agoStory is absolutely outstanding and read like a actual real-life event. The sex was spot on, none of the usual B.S and the getting instructions was so real like. I knew how to work it in a woman, but my wife knew "Nadda It took about six months before she could kiss with a open mouth. blow jobs she never could give me a good one she was a special lady
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