About The Author

The Lesbian to Transmasc Journey

Consider this a longer biography, or perhaps a confessional, it's meaningful to me to share some of who I am with you because what moves me to write here is a complex weave of needs and desires. I'm writing to connect with people like me and I write to give life to sexual wants and needs, fantasies and longings that I regret not giving free rein too when I was younger. Not that age is any kind of barrier, but a monogamous marriage is.

From a very early age I was aware that there was something about me that was not congruent with being a little girl. My mother was a very proper English lady, as was my grandmother who lived with us. Both were always impeccably turned out and I was fascinated by them and the daily rituals of femininity. I tried to be like that during my teens, I was desperate to fit in but everyday it felt like I was getting around in shoes that were on the wrong feet and two sizes too small.

I was sexually aware from an early age and was intensely fascinated by other peoples bodies, and my own. I wanted to touch myself and touch others, I wanted to kiss girls and fondle boys. Around girls I felt overwhelmed with a complex suite of emotional desires, around boys it was a lot simpler I wanted to get off, I wanted to touch their cocks and I loved their erections. The first orgasm I had with another person was with a boy at a party. We were pressed up against a wall kissing, our hands were in each others pants and we were stroking and rubbing, it was delicious and felt so incredibly good. Then we were interrupted, teased and ridiculed, in particular I was shamed for so apparently being turned on.

This wasn't the first time I'd experienced sexual shaming, but its still the one that I think about most often, in that moment of exquisite arousal some shitty mean girl or boy, I don't remember now, stole from me something precious and I've wanted it back ever since.

If my attraction to boys was purely physical, my attraction to girls was at the other extreme -- complex, emotional, fraught, melodramatic -- and has been ever since. At 15 I concluded that the attraction of greater intensity, which it was, my crushes on girls and women were all consuming, was my sexual identity. This solved a deeper problem which I had no words for at that time, the problem of gender identity. Assuming the label lesbian allowed me to ultimately step out into the world dressing like a man, and when I began to do that I felt so much better in my skin. Now, dear reader, don't misinterpret 'dressing like a man', I was never a butch lesbian I absolutely looked like a twink, I loved my androgyny and the effect that I had on both men and women.

Here's a little social history for you. The life of a lesbian in 1990's Sydney, Australia was informed by a strong feminist, separatist rhetoric that demanded we eschew all penetrative sex, make up, body hair, fetish, BDSM and pursue an intensely female centric lifestyle. Now make up wasn't really an issue for me, body hair at that time I preferred gone, but the sexual prescription against penetrative sex, sex toys and female only spaces was problematic. Not that I wanted to be in spaces with sweaty, horny straight guys trying to get it on with dyke couples, but I LOVED being in sweaty, horny bars and clubs with gay men, in fact I preferred being on the dance floor with shirtless queers much, much more than with women. And secretly I fantasized about cocks and wished I were a gay man.

This all went on for decades, until finally at 47 I was able to articulate the deeper truth - I am transgender. The journey has been intense but with each month it gets better.

But this is all very tender, new territory and it is fucking hard to get decent information about the changes that testosterone creates. Specifically I wanted to know what this thing called 'bottom growth' was all about, what would it look like, what would it feel like? It seems as though there is either a taboo, or disinterest in the bodies of transgender men in the mainstream media. So for the first time I began exploring porn, combine this with the fucking amazing increase in my libido and ability to orgasm and I feel like I have stepped onto a super highway of pleasures, eroticism, kinks and freedom.

I've found a place where all the things I've secretly longed for are present in all their sexy, horny glory and I want to play too.

So give me your feedback, tell me what you like about my stories, tell me what you don't like, tell me what turns you on, maybe I can write a story that gets you off the way you want it.

Give me your ass, your cunt, your cock and I'll give you mine.

TJ