Accidentally Like a Martyr

Remember, this is my fictional world. My legal system works a little different than some actual appeals courts might allow. I've tried to incorporate as many clichés as allowed, and overused commas and whatever else bothers the self-appointed experts.

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One of the top twenty all time movie lines, from the 1967 film Cool Hand Luke: "What we've got here is failure to communicate."

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The recently licensed attorney rose "The prosecution would like to call to the stand: Mr. Reginald Smythe."

Using a walker, a thirty-ish looking man wheeled his way towards the bench.

Holding out a bible, the court clerk ordered "Please state your name."

Placing his hand on the bible, and using a pre-puberty voice "I am Reginald Smythe the THIRD."

"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Please be seated."

Not very gracefully, the man eased his ass onto the hard chair.

The young lawyer cleared his throat before asking "Can you tell the court how you sustained your injuries?"

"I was visiting Mrs. Tammie Harris, when her husband, the defendant, accosted me. He told me to cover my face and heart."

"I can see this is very emotional for you. Take your time."

After a very theatrical pause, and glance at the jury, Reginald continued.

"Choosing to live, I covered my face and heart. A moment later I heard, and felt, a shotgun blast."

"And did this shotgun blast do any damage?"

Fighting back the tears "Yes, it seriously damaged many parts of my body. Fortunately it left my private parts unscathed."

The courtroom had a mixture of gasps and giggles.

"And why do you think Mr. Harris did this to you?"

The lawyer representing Mr. Harris rose from his seat "OBJECTION! Calls for conjecture."

The judge immediately responded "Sustained. Please rephrase your question."

"Reginald, did you provoke Mr. Harris?"

"Not that I am aware of. Tammie explained to her husband how we had become lovers and that she enjoyed sucking me and having her vagina and anus serviced by my penis. She also told him that from now on he wouldn't get any sex unless I approved. She had even invited him to watch, but not participate."

"And where was Mrs. Tammie Harris when he threatened you?"

"She was lying on the stairs, screaming in pain."

"Did you witness what happened to Tammie?"

"Well sort of. With one hand over my heart, and the other covering my face, I heard Mr. Harris tell her to not move or he'd fill her cheating ass with birdshot. A second later I heard a shot. I peeked up the stairs and it was apparent that he had turned that threat into reality."

"Did Mrs. Harris survive?"

"Yes, Mr. Harris limited the damage to her behind."

"He then turned his attention back to you?"

"Yes. He repeated my choice of living or dying, as I had taken my hand away from my face to see what had happened to Tammie."

"At any time, did the defendant seem crazy, or act irrational?"

"No. He was in control the entire time."

The lawyer for the prosecution turned to the judge "No further questions your honor."

Turning to Merle's lawyers, the judge announced "Your witness."

"Mr. Smythe, has your voice always been high pitched, you know, like that famous theme park mouse?"

With venom "NO! I had a normal voice until the defendant attacked me."

"And you testified that his shot completely missed your tiny penis and gonads?"

"IT IS NOT TINY! I AM A BULL!"

The judge banged his gavel, and warned Reginald to remain civil.

"Can you tell the jury what being a BULL means?"

Glaring daggers "I sexually satisfy women who find their husbands or boyfriends lacking."

"And those boyfriends or husbands agree with what you do?"

"Not always, but I am the dominant male."

"Were you Mrs. Harris's bull?"

After a slight hesitation, Reginald proudly proclaimed "Yes!"

There was a buzz in the courtroom, which drew the expected gavel bang.

"And you and Mrs. Harris had just informed Mr. Harris of this arrangement?"

"Yes, a few minutes before he attacked me."

"Was Mr. Harris holding a shotgun at the time?"

"No. When Mrs. Harris told him of our arrangement, he stormed out the front door, as if upset."

"And what did you do then?"

"I went upstairs with Mrs. Harris to help her pack a weekend suitcase. As we neared the bottom of the stairs, Mr. Harris came through the front door, with two shotguns. He was pointing one of them at me."

"As a bull, according to the police report, you immediately wet yourself?"

The courtroom snickered, and the judge smirked.

With that annoying high pitched voice "HE HAD A GUN! I FEARED FOR MY LIFE!"

"Was it urine, semen, or a combination of both that you excitedly released?"

"FUCK YOU!"

The judge banged his gavel, loudly.

"Mr. Smythe, this is your second warning. One more outburst and I will hold you in contempt of court. Do you understand?"

Meekly responding "Yes, your honor."

"Good. Now answer the question."

Staring daggers "IT WAS URINE."

"Very well, if you say so. It would appear that Mr. Harris was in charge, you know the dominant male, and you were the wimp. As the dominant male, shouldn't you have just told him to assume the position?"

"HE HAD A GUN!"

"I guess being the dominant male is only possible if the other person is unarmed?"

"I'm still the dominant male."

"In your own delusional mind. The report says only your legs were injured. I would have thought a bull could easily ignore the pain."

"Ffff..." was cut short as Reginald pondered whether it was worth a contempt of court charge. The gallery however, found it very amusing.

If Reginald had a shotgun, this lawyer would be joining him in the erectile dysfunction society.

The defendant's attorney smirked "Was your face covered when Merle told Tammie to stand still?"

"Yes."

"So you didn't see the shotgun accidentally discharge?"

The defense lawyer grinned while Reginald squirmed "No."

"I see. And didn't you also say that you had your face covered when the gun accidentally discharged hitting you?"

"Yes."

"So you didn't actually see the defendant pull the trigger."

Blood vessels were protruding from Reginald's forehead "No."

"So Merle may have set the shotgun down and it accidentally discharged?"

"NO! When I felt the pain, both hands quickly went to my crotch, and I saw Merle holding the smoking gun with an ear to ear smile."

"Yet you have no proof of that. The police report says you also defecated in your pants, you know, coated yourself with bullshit. Was this before or after the gun accidently discharged?"

"I" pause "DON'T" pause glare "REMEMBER."

In his best theme park mouse voice, the defense attorney turned to the judge "No further questions your honor."

Many in the gallery were also practicing their mouse impressions, which drew quite a few chuckles from the gathered observers.

+ + + +

After Reginald Smythe struggled to his feet, and wheeled his walker towards the rear of the court, the lawyer representing the city stood.

"The prosecution would like to call to the stand: Mrs. Tammie Harris."

Using a cane, a pear shaped woman hobbled to the bench.

Holding out a bible, the court clerk ordered "Please state your name."

Placing her hand on the bible, and using a soft sultry voice "My name is Tammie Harris."

"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Please be seated."

Tammie slid her ample bottom into the chair, knees never more than an inch or two apart. Her dress was very conservative.

"Were you present when Mr. Reginald Smythe was shot?"

"Yes, he was providing moral support while I explained to Merle how Reginald was now the alpha male in my life."

"And did the defendant act crazy or irrational?"

"Not initially. He said nothing, and then left through the front door."

"Mr. Smythe has stated that he helped you pack a suitcase?"

"Yes, as a hotwife, I intended to spend the weekend with him."

A few gasps and giggles were heard from the gallery, but no gavel banging.

"And it was when you descended the stairs that you saw your husband again?"

"My ex-husband now. Yes, he had a shotgun in his right hand, pointed at Reginald, and another shotgun in his left hand, pointing at the floor."

"Did he seem out of control?"

"No, he was quite calm."

"Why did he shoot you?"

"He told me to stand still, but I was scared so I tried to run up the stairs. He shot me once in my rear."

"What happened next?"

"He shot Reginald."

"Anything else?"

"No. I must have passed out."

"No further questions your honor."

Again, the smug novice attorney returned to his seat.

Once more the judge announced "Your witness."

A female attorney, seated next to Merle, rose and approached the witness. She was dressed to impress, and impress she did. There was no doubt who the hot wife was now.

"May I call you Tammie?"

"Yes."

"Tammie, how many shotguns did the two of you own?"

"None."

"Do you know where Merle was able to get those weapons so quickly?"

"I've been told he borrowed them from our neighbor."

"How often did Merle practice shooting a shotgun?"

"I've never seen him shoot one."

"So you can't honestly say that Merle intentionally shot you or Mr. Smythe?"

"But he did!"

"But you didn't see it happen?"

"I was trying to save my life, when I felt the pain, and heard the shot!"

"The shot that struck you in your ass?"

"Yes."

"Is it still swollen?"

Glaring "NO!"

"My bad. I've never encountered a hot-lead-ass wife. Was your, um, target this big back then?"

If looks could kill "YES!"

"Running up the stairs, could you tell who shot you?"

"It was Merle!"

"You saw him pull the trigger?"

"No, but it was Merle!"

"But since you didn't see it, the gun could have accidentally discharged?"

"He intentionally shot me!"

"Whatever. Then what happened?"

"He shot Reginald."

"Reginald said you were lying on the stairs making whatever noises a hotwife makes. You actually saw Merle pull the trigger when Reginald was accidentally shot?"

"It wasn't an accident. I was running up the stairs when I felt the first shot, and I was lying on the stairs when the second shot rang out."

"Answer my question please. Did you see Merle fire either shot?"

Giving 'the look' again "NO!"

"Since Merle is not a skilled marksman, you either had to be very close or provided a very large target for all of the birdshot to find your rear. The report says you were almost to the top of the stairs."

"OBJECTION! Relevance?"

"I'll withdraw my question your honor."

Tammie fully intended to get a voodoo doll to torture this bitch.

"Now Tammie, it sounds like you were trying to drive your husband crazy, with all of this talk about becoming a slut for another man. Was that your intent?"

"Not at all. I was describing the sexual relationship that Reginald and I were going to have, and how it would affect Merle."

"And you fully expected him to go along with this plan?"

"Yes, he's always let me have whatever I wanted."

"So what he did can only be described as 'going crazy'?"

"OBJECTION! Leading the witness."

"Sustained. Rephrase you question."

"How many other times has Merle gone crazy and had a weapon accidently discharge?"

"Never."

"Sounds like you misjudged Merle or he went crazy. No further questions your honor."

Just loud enough for the judge to hear, Tammie muttered "Bitch!"

The gavel banged "One more outburst from you Mrs. Harris, and I will find you in contempt of court."

With a roll of her eyes, and then a stare glare at the bitch lawyer, Tammie took her seat in the gallery.

+ + + +

Similar back and forth banter, with expert after expert, as the prosecution finished their presentation. The defense lawyers called several experts, and then got around to Merle.

The beautiful female lawyer stood "The defense would like to call to the stand, the defendant, Mr. Merle Harris."

"Mr. Harris, do you remember how you pled to the charges against you?"

"Upon the advice of counsel, I pled not-guilty due to temporary insanity."

"And the psychiatric evaluator agreed with you?"

"No, she did not believe I was insane, now or at the time."

"Do you now, or have you ever, owned a shotgun?"

"No, never."

"Have you ever fired a shotgun?"

"Not that I remember."

"Were you present when your ex-wife was shot?"

"Not that I remember."

"Were you present when Reginald Smythe was shot?"

"Not that I remember."

"Mr. Harris, why did you divorce Tammie?"

"The police explained to me that she and her lover were shot in my house. I am positive that our wedding vows never mentioned either of us taking a lover. Since she must also have had a bout of temporary insanity, I figured it was best to cut my losses. No need to stay married to a crazy slut."

"No further questions your honor."

Smirking at the young prosecutor, the defense lawyer sat down.

Looking more than a little unsure of himself, the prosecutor took over.

"Mr. Harris, where were you on the day your wife was shot?"

"Shot by the Martian slut ray? I don't know when that happened, so I can't answer your question. Ex-wife by the way."

"SHOT in your house, on your stairs, with a shotgun!"

"I don't remember."

"You don't remember shooting your ex-wife?"

"Since I've heard testimony that Tammie had her bubble bottom filled with lead pellets from a shotgun, and I don't remember ever firing a shotgun, that must mean that I didn't shoot my EX wife."

Now flustered, the lawyer began to sweat.

"Why did you shoot Reginald Smythe?"

"You mean shoot a picture of him? I don't remember doing that."

There were snickers from the gallery.

"Why did you shoot Reginald Smythe with a shotgun?"

"Seems like I've just answered that question, so turn your good ear towards me and I'll repeat myself. I don't remember ever firing a shotgun. That must mean that I didn't shoot Mr. Reginald Smythe. If I recall, even Reginald testified that he was covering his face and pooping his pants at the time of the shooting."

The chuckles from the gallery drew a call for order after a few bangs of the gavel.

"So you don't remember Tammie telling you about becoming a hotwife for a bull?"

"No, but I imagine it would have driven me crazy if she had!"

"Crazy enough to shoot her with a shotgun?"

"Who knows? Good thing I don't own a shotgun."

More snickers from the gallery drew another bang of the gavel.

+ + + +

Epilogue:

It took the jury less than two hours to find Merle guilty, but of only the reckless endangerment charge. He was sentenced to time already served awaiting trial, thus setting him free. From the back of the courtroom, someone with a voice much like a familiar mouse, whined about the injustice of it all.

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Rejected versions of this story had Merle being a much better marksman.