All Comments on 'Across Two Worlds Ch. 01'

Not a brutal onslaught but a soft buildup of tension.

Characters – Excellent work with the woman. I’m from the school that believes a story evolves around round characters. The story teller – a bit cardboardish to my taste. Maybe he wasn’t a good choice for a 1st person view story teller – you need someone with a more distinguished voice not someone who sounds like a John Doe. His sarcastic remarks and drawing skill compensated some. See that you give him more attention next chapter.

Dialog – you need to sharpen it some.

Plot – interesting enough, I know I’ll keep reading.

Technical – A bit less telling in the beginning as most things you TOLD were SHOWED later.

Some glitch in the middle from what looked like a previous version 3rd person POV.

Summary – very good, go on.

I'm intrigued to see how this proceeds! I'm definitely seeing hints of the "two worlds" to which the title alludes, and so far things have progressed nicely. Maeve/Scottish-version-of-Maeve is definitely an interesting character.

Also, I gotta say, I like the half life "free man" reference. If that's indeed what it was :)

I hope you keep writing!

I'm curious.

Thanks for the comments so far. This is a part of a story I have been working on for NaNoWriMo. Since I posted it, I have both extended the story and edited this section. I'm coming close to my 50,000 words now though so don't have time to edit this one or post more.

I know I have to make the tone of voice much more consistent and I agree the narrator needs to rounded out. That will come later I hope with editing. I suspect the whole story will be closer to 100,000 - 150,000 words if I finish it. I won't post the full piece, which is not an erotic fantasy but a fantasy with erotic elements, but I will post some appropriate 'selected highlights.'

In reference to your earlier comment. Personally i think that you should post all of it. the main reason i believe that is that a erotic or nonerotic story is always better with back story and character development. we'll loose that if you just give us the "juicy" parts. Maybe its just me but i'd like to know about whats in the snow and i'd also like to know why Maeve (queen of winter fairies) is sharing a body with a spring or summer fairie. also what does the leaf represent. is it just a talismon of protection or is it something else.

I really like your work so far. I am going to be upset if you don't continue. You started out fine. You gave nice details of the woman and a brief background into the man's past. Im realy wanting to learn more about who she is where she's from and what chasing her and for what reason. Please continue writing with the story I will save it to my favorites list and make sure I check it periodically for the next chapter.

More of the story please.

The question to ask is: Why starting this one and then leave it this unfinished? No idea how to proceed? Well, probably.

You really drew me in with this well written "fantasy" and for it to end, unfinished, is disappointing to say the least. I hope you will publish more.