I opened my eyes and stretched my limbs. For some reason, I felt more refreshed than I had in years. A good night's sleep can do wonders for a body.
I heard a noise emanating from the master bathroom and turned my head to the left to learn its source. An attractive woman stepped briefly into my view before entering the shower. I had to admire her lovely, nicely rounded ass and her very ample but relatively firm tits. She was one sexy woman!
A couple questions immediately came to mind. Who the hell was she? Why was she in my bathroom? The strange woman bore a resemblance to my wife, Bonnie, but the differences had been obvious as soon as I laid my eyes on her ass and tits. My wife's ass is broader and her tits are smaller and far less impressive in every way that could possibly matter.
I remained lying in bed as I considered my situation. I was clearly in my own bedroom and my own bed. The photos on the wall and the pine tree with the red birdhouse outside my window were testimony to my location. This had to be my room and I was almost certain that I was me, so who was she?
I thought back to the previous night and found I had no memory of it! I did remember getting up and eating some Cheerios and reading the morning paper. Try as I would, I was unable to recall anything past that point. How could I even be sure it was yesterday? A very uneasy feeling began to form in my gut as I climbed out of bed and threw on a pair of shorts. As lovely as the naked woman in my shower appeared to be, I simply had to find out what day it was, as well as try to determine what the hell was going on.
I hurried to my home office and fired up my computer. It was March 10, just as I had suspected. Only one day, Friday, was missing from my memory. It was just one day, but judging from the fact that a strange woman was in my bathroom taking a shower, some rather important events must have taken place.
Mulling over the situation, I meandered into the kitchen lost in thought. As I reached into the cupboard for the Cheerios, I heard a noise behind me. I spun around and saw a vision my mind refused to accept. Sitting at the kitchen table was a pudgy, green haired teenage girl with several piercings in her face. Just what the hell had happened yesterday?
The kid never even looked up from what appeared to be a Smart-phone in her left hand. Her lack of interest allowed me the opportunity to conceal my surprise and regain my composure. Maybe she was a friend of my daughter's? It just seemed unlikely to me that my daughter, Kate, would ever be friends with such a weirdo. But I could think of no other possible explanation for the kid's presence at my table, unless the circus was in town.
"So, are you a friend of Kate's?" I asked cautiously.
The thumbs stopped pushing keys on the phone and the green hair slowly rose to reveal a pleasant faced girl. She actually bore a slight resemblance to Kate.
"No, Dad. I hate that bitch. What kind of dumb question was that? Are you hung-over, or stoned or something? Even I would never be friends with myself. I lack the social skills to maintain even my own friendship," she added sarcastically.
I turned to pull a bowl from another cupboard as I struggled to conceal the shock I had just experienced. This little freak claimed she was my daughter Kate? How could she think I would believe her? Was it a joke? Or had I entered the Twilight Zone? I looked around for that damn signpost up ahead and found none. No, it wasn't the Twilight Zone or even Outer Limits. Yet, it was freaky as all hell.
The girl had gone back to texting so I didn't feel any need to explain why I had asked what she so obviously felt was a really stupid question. My daughter was a straight A student and quite popular in school. She was strong, athletic and cute as a button. One missing day could never account for her transformation into this female version of Bozo. I made a very good living using my brain and deductive skills. I decided to handle this bizarre situation like one of my business dealings. I would try to say as little as possible and learn as much as I could before walking into some sort of minefield.
Then I heard a loud belch and once again swung around in surprise. Standing in the kitchen doorway was what could only be described as a big fat kid. He was probably a couple inches shorter than I and a couple years older than the green haired clown sitting at the table. He wore a huge t-shirt that came almost to his knees. It was short sleeved, but because it was at least size triple X, the sleeves extended beyond his elbows. His hair was uncut and his man boobs appeared to rival the tits of the woman in my shower. What the fuck was going on?
I watched in amazement as he waddled over to the refrigerator and pulled out half a double layer cake and carried it to the table. He then sat down and began to eat it! He never even cut a slice. He just started eating the damn cake. I must have been staring because he looked at me as he stuffed a forkful of icing into his mouth.
"What're you looking at, Dad? Did you want some of this cake?" asked Jumbo as soon as he managed to swallow the large chunk of icing.
I slowly shook my head and staggered from the kitchen. My son, Jim, was a powerful kid. He was a member of the school weight lifting team and planned on going out for the football team in the fall. The kid in my kitchen was a fat putz. The only resemblance between the two was the color of their hair and eyes.
Then the thought came to me. These two kids claimed to be my progeny. Then where were my real kids? I hurried upstairs to look into their bedrooms. As I had somehow expected, the rooms were empty. At least they were empty of human life, but crammed with electronics. I was amazed at the different lap tops, game boys, I-Pads, Plasma TV's, as well as some stuff I couldn't even identify. Both kids' rooms had more shit in them than Best Buy!
As I wandered out of Jim's room in total confusion, I almost bumped into the formerly naked woman that had been in my bath. She was wearing a pair of shorts and a nice shirt and she looked hot as hell. I stopped in my tracks and waited for the words I was somehow certain that I would hear.
"Good morning, Honey! You slept late today. Usually you're outside mowing the five acre field you call the lawn before this. Are you okay?" she asked as I stood there with my mouth open.
"Yeah, I feel fine. I'll go mow the lawn right now," I promised directly to her tits. I raised my eyes to see a smile on her lips as she went past me and down the stairs.
Mowing the lawn is a great time to think. You can do the entire yard without ever having to concentrate on what you are doing. Hell, most guys can mow their yards in their sleep. As I went around the back yard, I considered my situation. I somehow knew that the missing day and the strange events of the morning were connected, but how?
Sometime later, I was mowing near the garage when I suddenly had a memory from the previous day. I concentrated on it and slowly things began to return. It took the rest of the morning to vaguely recall how I managed to wind up in my current circumstances.
I realized some of the pieces were still missing, but I had remembered enough to put much of the puzzle together. We, my family and I, had agreed to appear in a reality television show. It was similar to the one where wives switch families, but with some key differences. Obviously, one of the biggest differences was that the fathers switched families. As I tried to recall the way the show was done, I wondered how I ever agreed to the whole thing.
There would be no one operating any cameras. Somehow everything would be recorded and then edited later. We would all carry on as if we were truly just living our lives. Every member of the two families underwent some type of hypnosis in conjunction with some new, but supposedly harmless drug. It would cause us all to believe we were actually a real family. Of course that made some interesting possibilities. I would be sleeping with the other guy's wife and he would be sleeping with mine, but it would not feel new or exciting. We were to be programmed to think that we had been married for many years.
I considered how that would limit the amount of sex and the enjoyment we derived from it. I struggled to believe that my wife Bonnie would have ever agreed to this sort of sleazy television, or that I would, for that matter.
Apparently, the treatment hadn't taken with me as completely as it should. I could remember a fair amount, but I still had huge gaps in my memory of the previous day as well as what I was supposed to do in this new reality that was my life. Was it a contest? Was I supposed to try to somehow win? Then I remembered that there was no time limit to how long this might last. They had told us it could be days, or weeks, or even longer. It all depended on the ratings!
Everyone we came into contact with would act as if we really were the family we thought we were in our hypnotized stupor. Other people in our lives would all get to be part of the show, playing themselves. I thought about that and realized that it would only be a matter of time before someone screwed up and said or did something to ruin the gig. It can't be easy, especially for school kids, to maintain a charade like this, even though the producers had tried to match up the two families by appearances as much as possible. I decided to play along and not let anyone know that I had regained at least partial memory. That fact might allow me better insight into the show, what was expected of me, and what I had to do in order to win, if there was a winner.
Hell, I could play dumb with the best of them; actually far better than most. I put the lawn mower away and went back into the house. The woman that was playing my wife was leaning over the kitchen table, wiping some imagined spot off the oak surface. I played it cool and rubbed her ass through her shorts. She jumped and swung around to face me.
I was suddenly worried. Had I screwed up? Wasn't she supposed to think that she was my wife? Were there rules about touching that I couldn't remember? I braced myself and forced a smile.
"What's gotten into you, Chuck?" she demanded. "You know I don't like to be surprised and I certainly don't want to be mauled in public like some sort of tramp!"
I slowly looked around the room in an exaggerated fashion. Then I returned my gaze to my new wife, who I decided to call Bonnie, even though I knew that she was not Bonnie. To do anything differently would give away the fact that I knew what was going on, at least in part. Then it occurred to me that every word, every interaction, would be recorded somehow and possibly shown to millions of viewers. There must be tiny cameras all over the place! I sure didn't want my friends and family, not to mention millions of viewers, thinking I was a fucking wimp!
"This is hardly public, Bonnie," I responded calmly. "This is our kitchen and you're my wife, so it's well within the confines of the Geneva Convention. If you thought that was a mauling, I wonder what you'll think about this."
As I spoke, I reached up with both hands and gave her big tits a squeeze. I had to admit this new wife of mine had one hell of a nice rack. All the men watching would be impressed with my "handling" of the situation.
"Chuck! The children could step in and see us at any time. Please try to control yourself," replied the stuck up bitch as she pushed my hands away from her bountiful chest.
"Hell, we'll feel the floor shaking long before those two get within sight," I countered. "The only think they've ever snuck up on is a banana split."
"Now you're belittling our children? What's gotten into you? Are you feeling ill or something? Is there something going on, Chuck?"
"Well, now that you ask, I'd say there was. It looks like about a pound per day per kid," I chuckled, thinking how cool that would sound to all the viewers. "What the hell's wrong with you that you get bent out of shape when your husband feels you up a little? You didn't behave like that on our honeymoon."
I tossed that last sentence in so the producers and directors would think that I was totally sold on this being my wife and family. I was really beginning to get into this!
"We didn't have two kids with us on our honeymoon and you treated me with respect back then. As I recall, you promised me that first night that you would never do anything to hurt or embarrass me. Can I expect you to keep your word, or are you going to go back on a promise after all these years?" countered this Bizarro Bonnie.
"Well, since you asked, I guess I'm reneging on that promise if squeezing those amazing tits and rubbing that smooth, round ass are things that hurt or embarrass you," I allowed. "I'll pretty much enjoy these puppies whenever the mood strikes me. That, I can promise, and I'll keep that promise."
She looked at me for a few seconds like I had two heads. Then she just made a production of clearing her throat and marching out of the room in complete disdain. I realized then that she was probably some sort of frigid bitch and her previous husband must have allowed her to get away with all sorts of bullshit.
Then it occurred to me. That was the goal of the show! It was like "The Taming of the Shrew", at least as much as reality TV could be compared to the work of The Bard. People would be watching to see what in hell I was going to do with the freak twins and the ice queen! Could I somehow whip the kids into some sort of shape that even remotely resembled humans? Could I heat up the frozen bitch I had been saddled with? Somehow, I knew that if I could accomplish those daunting tasks, the show would be over, have great ratings and I would be a fucking national hero, at least for fathers and husbands everywhere.
Then I wondered if the real husband and father in this family was going to try to remake my real kids into fat toads, and turn my wife into a cold bitch. No matter, I would just straighten them out when I got them back. I really hoped that he didn't have sex with my wife, the real Bonnie, as she was pretty timid and inexperienced. She had never had sex with anyone but me. Why had we ever agreed to appear on this show?
Pulling myself from my reverie, I went out and hopped into my car. Two hours later, I was back home, cleaning out my garage. I carried out all the good stuff I had been saving for years, but would never use. It became quite a pile, so I ordered a dumpster to be delivered Monday so I could shit-can all the crap I had lying around.
Bizarro Bonnie, BB, as I had come to think of my new wife, came out and announced that dinner was ready just as I finished sweeping the garage clean. I washed up and entered our eat-in kitchen. My supposed son was seated at the head of the table. He already had his plate filled with mashed potatoes, gravy, and three pork chops and was stuffing the potatoes into his rotund face.
Seated next to him was the green haired Bozo, eating with one hand and texting with her other. I reached down and grabbed the phone from her hand before she realized my intentions. I then tossed it in the general direction of the garbage can. It hit the side of it and bounced under the china cabinet.
I never broke stride. As I tossed the phone, I stepped up to TheHulk and proceeded to tip him and his chair over backwards. I felt a little bad when his head bounced once on the floor and the chair splintered into all sorts of small pieces. For a fat kid, he moved pretty fast! He jumped up to face me, his face flushed as he shook his head to clear it.
"I'll sit at the head of the table and no one will start eating until your mother and I are seated," I stated with amazing calm. "I'm not going to live with a damn glutton. Now move your shit out of my way and sit down next to your green headed sister. From now on, you'll eat no more than two chops and less than two pounds of potatoes, and you'll eat some vegetables. Now, do you have any questions? Comments? Complaints?"
The pudge-ball sucked it in, shook his head in the negative and carried his plate and drink to the vacant chair beyond his sister. BB was standing by the stove in absolute shock. She was actually speechless. I couldn't help but think how I was making some great theater as I turned to my next victim.
"Kate?" I began, feeling uncomfortable calling this creature by my beautiful daughter's name. "Don't ever bring your phone to the table again. From now on, you'll participate in dinner time conversation and help your mother where you can. Do you have any questions?"
She gave me a half sneer and then looked down and concentrated on her plate. I could see I had my work cut out for me with her. I carefully picked up the pieces of the broken chair and carried them out to the pile of junk from the garage. When I came back into the kitchen, The Green Hornet and The Stay Puft Marshmallow kid were sitting quietly, apparently waiting for me to take my seat. I carried an extra chair around to my place and put it down. Then I moved next to Bonnie's chair and held it out for her.
Still speechless, the woman living as my wife took her seat. The kids sat with their mouths open, seemingly surprised that I would hold a chair for their mother. I couldn't help but think what a jerk the man of the house must be in this family. Well, things were going to change drastically.
"It probably went unnoticed, but I cleaned out the garage today. I tossed all the crap piled in the garage outside. I'll throw it into a dumpster I ordered for Monday," I added. "I can see you're all on the edge of your seats wondering how this bit of news affects you."
The woman with the amazing tits, as well as her progeny, sat stoically, seemingly totally disinterested. Well, that was about to change. Millions of people would be watching to see how I handled the situation. I knew if I handled it successfully, I would be looking at my picture on the cover of the tabloids at the local supermarket some Sunday afternoon.
"Since you ask, I'll explain what's going on. You kids are on a collision course with a lifetime of ridicule and shame. To put it quite bluntly, you look like hell. If I took you to the beach, you'd have half a dozen harpoons in you before you could turn around," I predicted somewhat humorously knowing how my TV fans would love me for it. "That's unacceptable to me and it should be to you as well."
I had their attention now! BB was getting red faced and angry. Jim had the grace to be embarrassed and turned a bright crimson. Kate turned a deeper shade of green, but never looked up from her plate.
"Starting Monday, we are going to have healthy meals. I have contacted a dietician and she has worked up a menu for the next thirty days. Your mother will be following it when she prepares our dinners," I stated emphatically while looking at BB's angry eyes. "You two kids will be going for a run with me every day after school and then we will work out in the garage on the weight machine I ordered today. You kids will thank me in a few months. I'll admit that I can use some rearranging of my stomach and chest, so I'll be benefiting as well. This'll be fun!"
That declaration was met with dead silence. It bothered me for a few seconds, until I considered how cool it was all going to look on the small screen. These beach balls would shape up if it killed me.
That evening as I prepared for bed, I kept an eye on BB. She casually undressed to her panties, donned some pajamas and slid into bed. It was obvious that she thought I was her husband. There was no hesitation. There were no covert glances at little Chuck, like any normal woman would have done if she were looking a man she had never seen naked before.
I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed. This woman might be a stuck up bitch, but her tits and ass were all a man could ever want and I decided I was going to have some. I reached for her nearest tit and she grabbed my hand.