Adventures in Swinging Ch. 18-19

After an hour of chores and moping in my bedroom, Da came home. I heard Momma talking to him and dreaded what was to come. He came upstairs and knocked on my door. I asked him to come in. His head was low, and he sat on the bed next to me. My legs were bent at a 45-degree angle with my arms wrapped around the ankles. He patted my hands. He told me that it seemed I had a busy day. I was silent and crying. He looked at me and said, "Eleanor Jean, you have never given me a reason to question your judgment." He paused and drew a deep breath, sighed, "Until now. I'm so very disappointed in you." Then he stood and walked out.

An hour later, I sat in the bathtub dunking myself repeatedly, trying to purge the stupidity from me. I went under the surface for two minutes, holding my breath, and thinking in the silence. Then I burst the surface and gasped for air. I knew what I had to do. When I returned to school, I told Jenny we were done. She acted like it was no big deal. She would find someone else. I recovered my study habits and was back up to snuff before finals.

In early May, Momma opened the mailbox. She saw a letter from the University of Illinois addressed to Eleanor J. O'Hanlon. She couldn't wait for me and opened it, instantly overcome with pride and joy as she read of my acceptance in the College of Computer Sciences, Class beginning Fall 1996. I had applied for thirty scholarships and thankfully was selected for four, totaling a bit more than thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was enough to cover two years of tuition and housing expenses.

Da and Momma filled in any gaps my funding couldn't cover. This took the pressure off me to totally focus on my studies. I struggled at times, but I saw what I wanted, and nothing would stop me from designing and building advanced learning and thinking machines.

The next three years blew by. I did date a few girls, but ultimately, it was a distraction I realized I could not afford. I did not want to put forth the effort I needed to make an emotional connection that could push me beyond casual friendship. My select friends were computer geeks like me, and I preferred their company. We existed in our universe, minus one time I became curious and joined an emboldened group that attended an off-campus Fraternity party.

My God, what a zoo. It was a mob there. I drank too much alcohol and wound up having sex with a boy for the first time. His name was Taylor, and he was a player from the Sigma Nu fraternity. For the first time, I must say the sex was fun for the two minutes he shoved and thrust into me. I didn't feel an orgasm and felt cheated when he came inside me, hopped off me, and pulled on his pants to get more beer, never returning to me. It was like he was the big bad wolf, huffing, puffing, and blowing his load in."

"What a dick," Heather exclaimed. "I would have chased him naked and cut his balls off." Seth looked at Heather and scooted a few inches away from her.

Ellie nodded solemnly, "Ultimately, it was just foolish unprotected sex that never should have happened, especially because it resulted in my first pregnancy. When I realized I missed two periods, I went to the women's reproductive health clinic, and they gave me a needed pregnancy test. When the results came back positive, the weight of Catholic guilt felt like a fist beating me to my knees. I knew I could never tell or face Mamma and Da. It would have crushed them."

Heather reached out and took Ellie's hand. Ellie smiled and continued, "I was frozen by indecision. I just fell into a pattern of existing. I was depressed and barely took care of myself. A few friends in the department noticed I wasn't eating much and missing many classes. They cleaned me up and got me dressed. I was following a couple of them to class one early morning. I was nauseous. I fell behind and tried to catch up with them as they climbed the stairs to the second floor, where our class was scheduled. Just before reaching the top landing, I got dizzy and passed out. I tumbled down the hard stairs, breaking my left forearm, and received a mild concussion. I also miscarried my first child.

I never told my parents. Somehow, I was able to convince the University not to inform them. I claimed my Catholic upbringing and our family's belief that intercourse out of wedlock was a sin may have struck a chord and garnered me some level of pity. I recovered for a day in the campus dispensary. Now, with a cast and pounding headache, I willed myself to suppress the powerful emotions of guilt over a child's loss. I began to focus on my studies in earnest.

That brings us to the fall of my senior year. I carried twenty-one credit hours and struggled to keep my grade point average above three-point six. One of my electives was Introduction to Cosmology. The course fit in perfectly with my love of space, and it was an easy A grade to help my GPA.

On this cool Monday in the fall, I felt good about myself. I was healthy and swimming for two hours almost every day. Swimming is the best for dispersing stress. I was following the Mediterranean Diet, and my weight was down to 133 pounds. I just had my hair done in a 1920s-style Bob Cut that brought out the natural red color in my hair. My clothes fit me again. I wanted to look my best. Plus, my junior year had been a shitstorm that I desperately wanted to forget.

So, this morning, I showered, put on some light foundation to cover my freckles, rosed up my cheeks with highlighter, and put on some eyeliner and shadow. I dabbed some of Giorgio's Red perfume behind my ears. I put on a red mock turtle-neck shirt tucked into a pair of black corduroy pants. I skipped socks and tucked my feet into my old tan deck shoes. I pulled a cute little gray sweater vest to top off my attire. I grabbed my books, notepad, and pens and raced to building 134, pressing through the mob at Professor Field's classroom entrance.

I settled into one of the many available front-row seats and crossed my legs at the ankles. I pulled out my notepad and began to fill out the date and the name of the class. What occurred next was the most transformative moment in my entire life when I met my future husband and the love of my life. A shuffle to my right drew my attention to a cute guy beside me. I pretended I didn't notice him and began to doodle in the margins of my notepad.

"Hi, my name is Jared," he said, extending his hand.

I didn't react for five seconds, refused his hand, and knew I embarrassed him. I then turned my face to him slightly.

"I am Ellie," I whispered.

Poor Jare just retracted his refused hand. 'What a geek,' I thought to myself. My eyes took him in quickly, and I wondered what his major was. Further critiquing of Jared had to wait as Professor Fields entered the door, and the class commenced. I observed Jared as he took copious notes. He had an intense focus and was clearly into the subject of Cosmology. I liked that. Once class concluded, I started back to my dorm. Soon, I heard feet shuffling fast behind me.

"Ellie, may I ask you a question?" he asked.

I came to a stop and turned around. An almost non-descript guy with an armful of books and a backpack approached me quickly. I used the moment to size this Jared fellow up. He was about five inches taller than me, which I liked. He had a full dishwater blonde mop just like he still has." Ellie reached back and stroked my hair as I blushed. "It was unruly and often needed a curry comb to straighten out. Man, he was so preppy. Oxford button-down shirt over an Izod shirt with the collar pulled up along his neck.

Anyway, Jared caught up to me, and I asked if he had a question for me. He was shy and unsure but found the courage to ask me out for a soda. I told him it would be nice and that I would like that. I got a slight tingle being next to him. I had never felt that from a guy before. We went to the nearest snack bar, and I let him spring for a Diet Coke. He chose a Diet Dr. Pepper.

I thought, 'This guy is so skinny and bow-legged he doesn't need anything diet.' It almost made me want to hate him, but with my luck in the last year, I decided he was worth getting to know. We sat on the grass outside and talked for three hours. I discovered he loved astronomy, but his real passion was computer programming. Wow, significant points there! He was taking Professor Fields's class for the same reason I was. We talked on and discovered we both loved Star Trek. He told me about new shows coming called 'Babylon-Five,' and Star Trek: Voyager. This guy was warming up to me fast. He sat enraptured as I described my studies in object-oriented programming languages and the design and coding of human engrams translatable to code as a precursor to building learning machines.

He asked me out for that weekend, and I accepted. That date cemented him in my heart. He wanted to know everything about me.

Ellie paused and wiped her eyes, "You know honey, until these last couple of months, in the 24 years we have been together, the sting of your recent disappointment in me finally reached me. Until now, you have never given me the slightest hint of disapproval," she sniffled a bit before resuming her story. I am deeply sorry for letting you down.

I squeezed her and said, "I love you. I think you let yourself down. You forgot I trust you, and you could say anything and ask anything of me, so long as it didn't detract from us as a couple."

Ellie looked at Heather, "Now you know why I am so damned lucky to have Jare's love and why I felt so comfortable with him all those years ago. The man practically finished my sentences for me. It was as though our minds connected. I risked everything and told him my attraction to girls and guys. I was astonished when he told me he had no issue with me being bi-sexual. He was so tender and loving.

Emboldened, I told him of my pregnancy and miscarriage. It remains a mystery to me why I did that. Some would say I was trying to torpedo the relationship before it could get started. I have always believed I was using him like I would my parish Priest in a confessional.

"You felt that level of trust after just meeting?" Seth wondered.

Ellie nodded, "Yes, Seth, that fast." I remained silent, listening intently to Ellie as she recalled our first days together. "Just like in class, I noted how Jare lowered his head and listened intently to me. Without pause, I unburdened my regret and self-loathing for losing my baby. All the bottled emotions and stress that had built up in the months before exploded in my tears.

My life was changed forever by what Jared did next. This boy, who barely knew me, nudged closer alongside me. He turned, his arms enfolding me, as he pulled my sobbing, my face against his chest. Then, he slowly began rocking me, stroking my hair as I purged all my pain and torment. It was like Momma was there. Throughout my burst of anguish, he uttered not a single word. Finally, my crying subsided.

Jare saw my puffy eyes and produced a clean hanky that he dabbed them with. He handed it to me and spoke for the first time in 10 minutes. He told me it was time to get me home. He pulled me up and drove me back to campus. He walked me into the dorm and stopped at my door as I opened it. He stopped me for a moment, calling my name. He just gazed into my red eyes, stroked my bangs into place, and told me to 'Forgive myself.' He leaned in, kissed me softly on my lips, and smiled his grin. Then I watched as he turned and walked a few steps down the hall. He stopped and turned to ask me if I wanted to watch some Star Trek: Next Generation at his dorm tomorrow. I remember giggling and saying I would love that.

This fella always seemed to know what to say to me no matter my emotions. The next night, we watched the second episode of season four of STNG. It was the one that followed after Picard's crew rescued him from the Borg. In that episode, Jean Luc, now free of Borg implants, takes medical rest leave with his family in France. His brother Robert is hard on him and finally fights with Jean Luc in a muddy vineyard. Then, he lovingly listens as his baby brother cries about his guilt, shame, and inability to stop the Borg from using him. "I wasn't good enough," Picard shouted. His brother said, "This will be with you for a long time, Jean-Luc. But you must forgive yourself."

I realized why Jared chose that episode. It was his way of letting me know it was okay to come to terms with the guilt, the shame, the pain from my pregnancy and miscarriage. I truly realized it was okay for me to forgive myself. It was then that I knew I would marry that boy.

We became lovers, inseparable from that point on. I chose to cast off my Catholic upbringing, and we both attended services at his Lutheran church off-campus. Catholicism no longer fit with who I was. Freed of relentless guilt, I dove headfirst into the selfless love Jare gave me. To this day, he remains my best friend, my lover, and my champion.

I took Jared home to Willamette over spring break, and my parents immediately took him to him. Mom was particularly smitten and went out of her way to make him comfortable and feel welcome. I took him around my old haunts and introduced him to a few friends we ran across. We just spent some lazy days and were able to let go of what lay ahead in our immediate futures. Jared was encouraging, loving, tender. He also showed Da he was tough and knew some things about carpentry. He and Da installed new windows in our garage. Jared replaced the aging doors on Momma's kitchen cabinets, giving the space a needed facelift she took delight in.

For the final three months of school, we closed in on graduation as life accelerated to a frenetic pace. It was wild as we crammed for finals and sent resumes to leading software development companies and consulting firms. It was a furious time when days rolled from one to the next. Somehow, we always managed to make love every night until I realized I had forgotten my birth control and missed my period the last two months. I marvelous Ellie O'Hanlon dropped a glass ball she had to keep in the air.

Not long after, I lay on the exam bed in the reproductive health clinic as the staff gave me a sad look. My belly lay exposed as the nurse squirted gel and then held the sensor to my skin, moving it around. The device picked up a rapid beating sound. Jared's face was beaming. I was wondering what hallucinogenic drug this guy was on. What can he possibly be so happy about? My uterus was on the CRT for all to see. In the background, a machinegun heartbeat was rattling on the speaker.

Jare asked if the baby was okay. He said the beat was too rapid. The nurse/technician looked at him like a moron who couldn't find his car keys on a good day. Then she dropped the reproductive hydrogen bomb every mother wants to hear. We were having twins. I remember screaming, 'No fucking way.' I saw my career in the toilet because I couldn't keep my legs crossed. I just looked at Jared, and we locked our eyes in a staring contest, which he quickly lost. I was angry.

I told him that as soon as I could climb off the exam table, he was a dead man. Of course, I didn't kill him. All you had to do was look the innocent wonder in his eyes. He already loved our girls.

We left the facility, and Jare was so hyped that I didn't want to spoil his moment. We returned to my dorm and started planning for the next six-plus months. The hard part was going to be telling my parents. We considered the options and how to approach them best. I wanted to use the good news, bad news approach. Jare selected divide and conquer. He planned to talk to my parents separately, asking for my hand, giving each the information they would receive most favorably. I had to be the one on this call. I spoke to Da first.

"Da, I wanted to tell you first that Jared has proposed to me, and I have accepted," I said excitedly. Suddenly I realized I hadn't been proposed to out loud, but Jare and I just seemed to communicate it to each other, and of course, the answer was yes. Later at home, on a visit, Jare dropped to a knee officially to ask me. That cemented Jare in Momma and Da's hearts.

But today, I was so grateful to hear Da say, "Oh, Eleanor Jean, you have made my day. You picked a winner with that young man, and I am so pleased and proud of you."

"Da, may I speak to Momma in private for a moment?" I asked him. I could hear him calling for Momma to come to the phone.

"Of course, darlin, here she is. Tell Jared congratulations, and I can't wait to see both of you soon." I heard him tell Momma, and she squealed in delight as he handed the phone to her.

"Oh, Ellie, you have made me so happy. I am so excited for you!" Momma said, her voice two octaves higher than usual.

"There is even more news, Momma. You are going to be a grandmother!"

There was perhaps dead air time for three seconds, and then I heard panting and 'oh my, oh my' followed by Momma's voice booming through the phone as loud as possible.

She was delirious and exclaimed, "Oh, Ellie, you have made me so happy. I am so excited for you!" Wait, Déjà vu I thought. Didn't she say the same thing twice? I looked at the phone and banged it to be sure.

"Momma, you sure you are pleased?" I asked her. I was lobbing a softball to her with this question and hoping she would hit it out of the park.

"Oh, sweetie, I was waiting for you to find the right moment to tell me. I knew you were pregnant when you visited us during spring break. Moms can sense these things, you know."

I decided to risk and tell her the rest of the good news, "Momma, you need to know I am having twins." I was rewarded with another ear-piercing blast of high-frequency delight from the other end of the line. She was screaming at Da, trying to get the words out. I heard Da start laughing hysterically in his booming baritone. I raised my voice and called for someone to please respond. It was tough trying to cut through Da's non-stop laugh fest.

The handset finally gave scuffling sounds as the laughter died down, "Oh, Ellie," Da said. "You won't believe this; your Momma was so happy as she squatted in glee and wet herself."

"Oh my God," I broke up laughing. "What is she doing now?"

Da paused a second and whispered, "She went to change."

I lost it and told Jared, whose mouth dropped in silence. I took my free hand and closed it for him. Jared and I passed the phone between us for another thirty minutes, covering the graduation, wedding, and job search ahead. We loved them and told them we would see them at graduation.

I was elated after the call. I couldn't believe my parents were so anxious to take it to the next level. The double-whammy news must have seemed to them like celebrating your birthday on Christmas Day and getting extra presents. Their cup now runneth over. Jared and I finalized all the timing and laid out the tasks for the three significant events. We decided our job search was a top priority.

Jared had learned of a new consulting firm in Huntsville started by several retired Air Force pilots and Systems Engineers. This fresh start had won a contract with NASA. They needed computer programmers, and there were many entry-level positions to fill. Both Jare and I both applied to the same firm. Heck, our GPAs were above 3.7 overall and 3.95 in our majors. Three weeks later, deep in finals, we received a call from that company asking us to come to their home office in Huntsville for interviews. We coordinated a date after finals and packed up Jared's loyal and trusty Subaru, which he named 'Aunt Esther' for a road trip. Seth started laughing so hard that he fell off the bed.

Heather looked over the side as Seth kept laughing, straightened up in her lotus position, and asked Jare, "Aunt Esther?"

I nodded and said, "Yeah. My Aunt Esther on my mom's side never stopped running her mouth. That Subaru kept running its mouth for well over 200 thousand miles."