After the End Ch. 03

"I'm going to come, deep inside you," Julian growled behind me. "As soon as you come for me."

That was all I needed. I lingered at the top of the spiral for an infinite moment, until the quick thrusts against my prostate sent me over.

"Mmm - Julian!" I cried, contracting and exploding in an orgasm so complete, I felt it all the way up to my shoulders. My whole body shuddered as unbelievable pleasure flooded my nerves. A few moments later, Julian followed me, spasming over and over against my insides. He collapsed onto me, our limbs still entwined.

We rested in a sweaty heap for a while, basking in profound post-orgasmic peace. Eventually, he pulled out so we could clean up.

Neither of us said anything until we were back in bed, lamp turned off. My head was on Julian's chest, my body languid against him.

"I've wanted to do that with you for such a long time," he told me quietly.

"How come you never...tried to?"

"I wanted you to feel safe first. I wanted it to come from you."

Lying there with him, I did feel safer, and closer to him, than ever. I sort of wished I could have experienced this sooner, but I knew it wouldn't have felt this way if we had rushed it.

"Can I tell you something?" Julian asked after a while.

"Yeah," I said, surprised he needed to ask.

He took a breath. "When I was fourteen, that happened to me...non-consensually."

I was too shocked to respond right away, but he continued.

"It was at school. They found out I was gay, and in the military, that is still not very accepted culturally, even though legally, discrimination ended over a hundred years ago." Another pause. "They overpowered me, and I couldn't get away. It was excruciating...terrifying...humiliating."

"Julian, I'm so sorry." It was a ridiculous understatement, but what else was there to say?

"After that," he said quietly, "I worked as hard as I could to become a strong fighter. I never wanted someone to have that kind of control over me again."

Now that I had experienced penile penetration myself, I could imagine, at least a little, the horror of rape. I realized this was why Julian had been so careful with me, always making one hundred percent sure nothing happened between us that I didn't want. My heart squeezed painfully, thinking of what he had suffered.

"That's the actual reason I don't let any of my partners perform anal sex on me," Julian said. "I don't know if I would have enjoyed it; I just can't stand the thought of feeling that again." He took another deep breath. "I've never told anyone. But I wanted you to know."

"Thank you for telling me," I said simply.

He put both arms around me and held on. For once, I felt like he needed this as much as I did. We lay listening to soft rain pattering against the canvas above, taking refuge in each other's presence.

Later, after Julian drifted off, I lay awake, battling my thoughts. I had always liked him too much, more than I could safely manage. A night like this tipped my emotions into truly dangerous territory. I didn't know how to keep myself from caring about him in quite a serious way, not when he was so fucking good to me - considerate, affectionate, patient. Not when he made sex a gift instead of a sacrifice. Not when he trusted me with his darkest secrets. But allowing anyone that kind of power in my personal world was terrifying to contemplate. I was far too familiar with the unbearable pain of loss to willingly invite more from this man, when our relationship inevitably ended. I didn't want to need anyone on that level. I certainly knew he could never need me on that level.

Yet what was my other option? Stop seeing him now, so he couldn't hurt me later? I imagined it briefly: going back to the old days of loneliness and meaningless sex, without Julian's kisses or his embrace. Sickening dread curdled my gut immediately. No. Not possible.

I moved to where Julian was sleeping silently on his side and lay with my head against his back, where I could hear his heart pumping life through his veins, moment by moment. I listened to the steady rhythm and tried to convince myself I could do this. I fell asleep long before I succeeded.

A couple of weeks later, while things at Fort Laurel was running smoothly, our messages from Sabine Ridge increasingly contained reports of hostilities with their neighbors. They fought back, reluctant to give up a position they'd worked hard to establish, but before too long the governing council determined that remaining in the area was not worth the lives they were losing. They were also at risk of famine, blocked from reaching sparse winter food sources. The news our team was expecting came through in November: Everyone would be relocating to the new base, as soon as they could get packed.

Preparing shelter and supplies for the whole community was a huge task, keeping me, Julian, and the rest of the team constantly busy. After a grueling week-long journey on foot, the rest of our colleagues arrived, harried and exhausted. I was a little disappointed that our isolation hadn't lasted longer. It was an adjustment to be crowded once again by everyone I'd ever known, and to be directly monitored by the council. Julian and I no longer had free reign over our camp. And there were a lot more eyes on how I spent my evenings.

"Your friends seem happy to see you," Julian commended a few days after the rest of the community settled in. We were making a circuit around our fort-in-progress, checking the work on the expanded outer defenses. Construction was also underway on new housing units, made from logs harvested in the abundant forest around us.

"Yeah," I agreed. Growing up the way we did, with little security, had created strong bonds among us. I trusted my friends with my life, and I'd missed our easy camaraderie.

"Harley as well," Julian added, referring to one of the girls I used to hook up with. He didn't bother hiding his amusement.

"She'll find something else to do."

"Well, she's not the only one, is she?"

"The only reason no one's hitting on you is that you've terrified everyone away already," I countered.

Julian's lips quirked slightly. He knew it wasn't an exaggeration.

"It is a little strange, though," I said. "I don't know how to explain to anyone why I'm not...available. My friends have already been asking where I go at night."

"You could tell them the truth."

The slight queasiness of anxiety crept into my stomach. I didn't say anything.

"Our staying under the radar was intended to be temporary," Julian went on. "You should feel free to be honest with your friends. And female callers."

Anxiety suddenly sharpened into fear. "Have you told anyone about us?"

"No. I wouldn't do that without informing you first." He studied me. "What are you worried about?"

I kept my eyes on the rough wooden fence that nearly encircled our settlement. "You know I've always been with women before."

"So?"

"So...people will see me differently."

He considered that. "People will see you as bisexual. Which you are."

I flinched. Being with a person I really liked, who happened to be a man, was one thing. Hearing that word applied to me was quite another.

Julian noticed and raised his eyebrows in challenge. "Aren't you?"

I swallowed and nodded. My stomach turned at the thought of my new label being passed around the community. I knew it shouldn't matter what genders I was attracted to, or who I slept with, or how, as long as all interactions were consensual and safe. No one's biological or emotional needs should determine their level of respect in the community. If only reality matched up to that ideal.

It wasn't just that Julian was a man. He was older, stronger, and high-ranking. Given our patriarchal background, most people would make the same assumptions about our power dynamics that I would have, a few months ago. They might see me as less: less than him, less than I'd been while straight. Less of a man. Less worthy of respect. And they'd know I was letting him fuck me. All of it made me very uncomfortable, wrong as that probably was.

Julian broke into my thoughts. "What, it's ok for people to know I'm gay, but not ok for people to know you're in a gay relationship?" When I didn't reply, his tone grew bitter. "Must be nice to be able to pass as straight, to be with who you want and still not lose any of your male privilege."

"It's different for you," I protested. "You're from outside. No one cares who you're with. They're just as afraid of you either way. I've been around these people my entire life - they feel entitled to an opinion."

He stopped and crossed his arms, fixing me with sternest glare I'd caught since we'd been together. "And what about their opinion is so threatening to you?"

"I don't know," I said, reverting to my safe answer under the intensity of his azure gaze.

His expression didn't change. "If you're ashamed of being with a man, maybe you shouldn't be with one," he told me coldly, and he walked away, back in the direction we'd come from.

My entire body seemed to freeze for a moment - heart stopped beating, lungs stopped expanding, nerves didn't fire. Julian wouldn't leave me over a conversation, would he? The question suspended all other thought. Through the panic, I finally reasoned that he wasn't likely to end the relationship without at least giving me a chance to make it right, when he'd always been so patient.

When I was able to move again, I completed the inspection on my own. I didn't see Julian the rest of the day. After the evening meal, I decided I needed help sorting through these complexities that I'd never expected to confront. I caught Rowan on her way toward the medical tent. She'd been in training with our community's doctor since she was a teenager, and she spent several evenings a week caring for the sick and injured.

"Do you have a minute before your shift?" I asked.

"Sure, what's going on?"

"I could use some advice." I glanced around. "Confidentially."

"Ok." She led the way to one of the fire pits scattered through camp, where we could keep warm without being overheard. She turned to me, her long blonde hair piled on top of her head. "Something wrong?"

"I've been...seeing someone," I told her. "And I think I'm screwing it up." Rowan and I disagreed often, but our debates tended to spur both of us toward our better selves. I respected her opinion more than almost anyone's.

Without sharing a lot of detail, I caught her up on the events of the past few months. She wasn't as surprised as she should have been to hear that I was with Julian. Her sharp intuition had already alerted her that something was going on.

"I understand why you're nervous about people knowing," she said when I told her about the argument from earlier. "And it's not really your fault that you view coming out as giving something up. But you shouldn't. No one can shame you for something you don't feel ashamed about. Your partner's gender has no effect on who you are as a person. If you really believe that, it won't matter what anyone else thinks."

I watched the dance of the flames while I turned over her words. As usual, she had cut to the root of the problem. Which, unfortunately, was me. Yes, it was wrong of bigoted people to believe, and to teach, that men were superior to women, and that straight people were superior to others. But it was also wrong of me to believe it, and to give weight to opinions that were destructive. I was not a different person, or less of a person, because my partner wasn't a woman. Or because I'd had a cock inside me. I'd very often put one inside my female companions, and it would be the height of hypocrisy for me to expect them to be ashamed of it.

"Thank you, Rowan. I know what to do now."

"Good." She smiled up at me. "I've noticed that you seem happier these days. You must really care for him."

"Yeah. I do." It was easier to admit to her, than to myself or to Julian.

"He is one sexy man, but he's so serious. It's hard to imagine him in a relationship."

That brought a smile to my lips. "He's different in private."

"Oh, in bed, you mean?" she smirked.

I narrowed my eyes at her in fake offense.

"Really, though, everyone in this camp has probably fantasized about him at some point. Throw me a bone - what's the sex like? Is it amazing?"

I met her gaze for a moment, holding the suspense. "It's unbelievable," I said with a grin.

"Damn it," she laughed. "I knew it."

"I'm...very lucky to be with him."

"He's just as lucky to be with you."

I gave her a quick hug when she left to see her patients, with a promise to talk more later. In her turn, she promised not to tell anyone else before I had a chance to. And then, I needed to apologize to Julian.

A light was on in his tent when I got there. I softly called his name, and he told me to come in. He was propped against his wooden headboard, holding a book. His gorgeous, tattoo-inscribed chest and shoulders were uncovered.

"I'm sorry," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing him. "You were right."

His dark-lashed eyes were still wary. I actually had offended him, which made me feel strangely powerful, even though I was the one apologizing.

"I was ashamed, and afraid," I continued, "but I'm not anymore. I haven't had to deal with this until now, so I didn't know I was wrong. But I was, and I'm really sorry. I'm going to tell everyone tomorrow. I already told Rowan."

Julian sat up and took my hand, matching our palms. "Thank you, for saying that."

"Of course."

His face softened out of its stern mask. "So does Rowan approve of me?"

I shrugged. "She doesn't know you. But she definitely approves of how you look."

"That's a relief," he laughed.

Later, when we were settled in bed, Julian said quietly, "I know this is a lot of change for you. Are you sure you're ok with telling people? You don't have to do it just for me."

"I'm not doing it for you. The reason I was hiding was because of me. I don't want to hide anymore."

Contented silence filled the darkness for a moment. "I'm proud of you," Julian replied, low and significant.

I knew it wasn't visible, but inside, I glowed. There were things I wanted to say, emotions I wanted to confess, but they were still too fragile. Maybe I would feel braver another day. Instead, I focused on the warmth of Julian's hand on my arm and fell asleep.

My friend Lamont had to be next on the list of people to inform. I tracked him down early the next morning outside the supply shed. He was on the lanky side, like me, with deep chocolate skin and dense hair that he usually kept off his forehead with a bandana. He rifled through a stack of the coarse paper we painstakingly produced ourselves, looking for the larger sheets to take on today's mapping run.

The few printed maps that had survived this long were generally not very useful: they showed towns where there was nothing but crumbling foundations, bridges that washed away decades ago, and farmland that has since grown into forest. Lamont had worked on the last set of maps, after the move to Sabine Ridge, and he was leading the process here. He paid particular attention to the location and condition of wildlife that supplied our food, clothing, and construction materials. He had an aptitude for biology that I'd always envied; I wasn't much help when it came to predicting whether a stand of pecan trees would produce nuts that fall.

"So, I need to tell you something, before you hear it from anyone else," I said while he carefully folded his chosen paper into his pack. It took a lot to rattle Lamont, so I wasn't worried about his reaction, but we didn't have a lot of intimate conversations. This was an uncomfortable topic to raise with a guy I'd horsed around with, slept beside, and been close to my whole life.

"Ok."

"I've...been with someone, for a few months," I started.

"Really? That long?" He slung his leather pack over his shoulder. "Who's the lucky girl?"

"Well...it's not a girl."

Lamont raised his eyebrows. "Oh."

I twisted a loose thread from the cuff of my jacket around my finger. Before I could figure out what to say, he smacked me playfully on the arm. When I looked up, he was smiling.

"That's great, man. He must be something special to turn your head."

I made a face but couldn't help smiling back.

"So who is it?"

"Uh...it's Delta," I said, using the nickname Julian went by in public. I was still the only one who knew his real name, other than the two veterans who'd arrived with him.

Lamont's eyes widened. "Damn. Tara's going to be jealous." Tara was Lamont's girlfriend of several years and the assistant overseer of our community's food supply. "She's had a crush on Delta forever. He praised a report she did once, and I heard about it for days."

I crossed my arms self-consciously.

"Unless you don't want me to say anything," Lamont added.

"No, it's fine. It's not a secret anymore."

He nudged my arm again. "You're not going to be weird around me now, right?"

"Try not to," I replied, my lips curving slightly.

"Do you think you could get Delta to sit with us at dinner sometime? I'd love to see Tara try to talk to him without blushing."

I laughed. "Well, I'm not so good at that myself."

He smiled and gripped my shoulder. "I'll catch up with you later. But I'm happy for you."

In the command center that morning, I took the opportunity to inform a few more people. I did it as casually as I could and got them all busy with work immediately afterward, but it still made for an awkward day. Gossip like this spread fast in our community, and every half hour, it seemed, someone was coming up to me and offering an opinion.

Xander, a tall, wiry guy a couple of years younger, approached while I was studying a list of new arrivals who needed scheduled for watch duty.

"Wow, so you and Delta!" he exclaimed. "Congrats, man!"

"Thanks..." I said, not sure why I was being congratulated. Xander was fun to drink with, but we didn't share much otherwise.

"He's...I mean, he's something else," Xander continued, awe in his voice, which was lowered so only I could hear. "I'd do him, and I don't even like men."

I rolled my eyes and returned my attention to the watch assignments.

"Seriously, how did it happen?" he asked. "He came on to you? You came on to him? I don't think I've ever even seen him smile."

"It's not a big deal," I said, ignoring the intrusive questions.

"Oh, I disagree. We're talking about Delta, the fugitive military genius, who's killed more people than I want to know about, and who can shut anyone up with a single glance. Somehow you landed him, and that is a big deal. You should be proud."

"Whatever," I said, shrugging off his comments. Thankfully, Xander just slapped me on the back and went back to work.

I suffered through several more congratulatory conversations. I knew Julian was out of my league, but still. It was a bit depressing that everyone else was so well aware of that fact, too.

In the afternoon, I had security rounds with my now-public boyfriend.

"How's it going?" Julian asked.

"Alright."

As usual, he waited for me to say what was on my mind.

"People keep saying they're impressed I was able to get you." I glanced sideways at him. "I bet they're not saying that about you."

"Why, you don't think I'm a catch?" he joked. When my expression didn't change, he grew more serious. "It's not personal. I'm just older than you, and I've had a lot of specialized training. My capabilities are very visible and are disproportionately valued."

I sighed. He was downplaying it, but I didn't like having our age difference highlighted. Julian would soon be twenty-eight, while I was only halfway through twenty-three. I'd read about the biology of brain development: the higher-functioning part of my brain wouldn't even be fully formed for two or three more years. I could never avoid wondering why Julian would want to be with me, when I was so much less mature and less competent than him. Not like I was going to point that out, though.