After the End Ch. 05

I forced myself not to reach for it and focused on Julian's cock instead. There was something extra agonizing about giving him this pleasure while getting none for myself. It wasn't like going down on a woman; even though I could tell it was good, I never really knew what she was feeling. But I knew exactly what these squeezes and slurps would do to my own cock, and I suffered the loss of each one.

Julian expertly worked my prostate, fanning the fire of lust inside me until I thought I must be turning to ash. It was ages before I felt a lubricated hand wrap my cock. I wanted to fuck it so, so badly, but there was no chance he'd let me. The pressure was a relief, but the speed was maddening - gradually increasing, but never quite enough.

I held myself rigid and groaned helplessly under the torture. This was where denial got real, when it switched from being exciting to think about, to unbearable to actually experience. I was so achingly hard that it seemed impossible to stay like this a moment longer. I couldn't believe I'd agreed to wait all night. Yet Julian's hand sliding along my shaft while I endured this extreme need was at least as intense as the always-too-brief release of an orgasm. I tried to focus on that while pressure built in my balls.

Julian backed off, returning to one finger stroking slowly inside me. The hand on my cock melted to just fingertips, softly brushing over my swollen glans.

"Oh, fuck," I swore, trying not to combust.

Julian's shaft pulsed in my hand, and his hips rocked once beneath me. "You're making me crazy, babe," he said, breathy and unsteady like I'd never heard before. "Letting me edge you when you're this fucking horny." He kept his fingers moving on my cock head, and his rough voice dropped lower. "Tease my tip like this, just for a minute. I want to feel what you are."

God damn - how was I supposed to handle that without coming? I copied what he was doing to my cock head, fingering him lightly while he did the same to me. Of course, it wasn't exactly the same since I couldn't play with his prostate, but he seemed to be feeling plenty, from the way he groaned and tightened all his muscles. And I was about to die.

He let it go on longer than I expected, breathing hard behind me - an infinite moment of excruciating bliss shared with my lover.

"Avery!" he cried into the sweaty suspense, and I knew he was ready. I sank his cock between my lips and devoured him until he seized and called out my name again, this time in ecstasy. If he hadn't taken his hand off me, I probably couldn't have stopped myself from exploding too. He clutched my side as if for support while his seed spasmed into my mouth. I drank it all, not because it was good, but because it was his.

I stayed where I was while Julian's breathing slowed. My cock was throbbing, just as he'd promised, but the burn was fading to something more tolerable. Getting to watch him come completely undone like that, his beautiful body straining in desperation for me, had been its own kind of satisfaction. What'd he'd given was well worth what he'd taken.

When Julian could collect himself, he guided me off him and got up to clean his fingers. Then he propped our pillows against the headboard and took me into his arms.

A deep sigh of contentment left me along with the stress. I'd thought I might get over needing this so much, but it was still my very favorite place to be: nestled against Julian's body, my head beside his, surrounded by his strength and secure in his affection. And now I knew that he needed it too.

"You ok?" Julian asked quietly. From this close, I could hear the secret sound of his pumping heart, echoing inside his rib cage.

"Yeah." There was no panic like there had been the first couple of times he denied me. I supposed I knew now that I could handle it.

His cheek rested against my head. "That was really amazing, babe. You were amazing."

"So were you."

He tightened his arms briefly in response. "I love you, Avery."

"Love you too."

His tone grew playful. "Are you just agreeing with everything I say?"

I held the pause just long enough to be funny. "Yes."

He laughed with me. A while later, we were stretched out under the covers. The darkness was more complete than I was used to in the tent, moonlight and firelight kept out by hardwood instead of canvas. The rain was quieter too, tapping dimly on the roof.

"Still ok?" Julian checked again. After my meltdown a few weeks ago, he was probably nervous about a repeat.

"Much better than ok, Julian."

"I'm glad." He rolled to his side and spoke over his shoulder. "You want anything teased before sunrise, I'm available."

I smiled and fell asleep in minutes.

Spring was in full bloom by now, and there was a collective feeling of relief around the fort. The end of winter meant a return of many important food sources and relative safety from famine. Our belts were a bit less tight, and laughter could more often be heard floating on the mild breezes. With the extra daylight, we were less pressured by our work, and the long evenings gave us a chance to unwind. Julian still didn't care to socialize with anyone besides me, except occasionally his longtime friends Maurice and Iris, but once in a while I persuaded him to hang out with me in the main hall.

Older generations in our community were prejudiced against alcohol by their religious background, but they looked the other way when my friends and I set up a bar and stocked it with our own brews. Xander, in particular, had become an expert fermenter. We hoarded his sugarcane rum for special occasions, but the wild persimmon wine was quite drinkable as well. It was one reason why I put up with his obnoxious meaningful glances and raised eyebrows when he thought Julian couldn't see him. Xander was still fascinated by my relationship with our community's second-in-command. Despite his claims to be straight, he was always pressing for inappropriate details about our sex life.

Of course, he never said anything when Julian could hear. Publicly, Julian was the same as ever: strict, impersonal, formidable. He seemed to prefer being respected and feared to being liked. He was cordial to my friends, but they didn't exactly sit around chatting.

Which was why I was surprised when I went to the hall one night to meet Julian after my shift on watch, and I found him at a table with our community's newest doctor. Vik Naresh had trained with Dr. Atherton since his early teens, just like Rowan, although she still had about five years to go in her apprenticeship. Dr. Naresh - or Vik, as I still thought of him - had graduated to full-fledged, independent practice a couple of years ago, which was good for all of us, since Dr. Atherton was in his sixties.

With the endless hours Rowan and Vik had spent together studying medical texts and tending to patients, I'd been on familiar terms with him growing up. I used to hang around our old library in Acadiana, browsing for books I hadn't read yet while Vik quizzed Rowan on the names of muscles and veins. Not my idea of fun, but better than breaking up fights at the group home where I'd been sent for a few years after my mother died, until I finally convinced them I could take care of myself. As if I hadn't been all along.

Vik was about Julian's age, with a calming presence and deft skill that put people at ease during those unfortunate times of illness or injury. He was noticeably handsome, with smooth, warm brown skin and deep eyes. He was also exclusively into men, and unattached. I told myself it didn't mean anything that he had somehow gotten my boyfriend to sit down for an off-duty conversation, but it'd be easier to find out what he was up to if I could surveil from a distance. I spotted Lamont and a couple of my other friends sharing a bottle at the bar and headed that direction.

Julian had already seen me. Never a doorway that he wasn't watching. He left Vik at the table with their drinks and intercepted me.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hi."

"Any problems on watch?"

"Nothing more serious than a rattlesnake."

He nodded toward where he had been sitting. "We presented the new security plan to the council based on the casualty records from last year, and Vik said he could use a drink. We were just waiting for you. Go sit down - I'll get you something."

We? Since when was there a "we" that didn't include me? I scrambled for an excuse. "No, I'll get it. I want to say hi to Lamont. Be there in a minute."

Julian went back to sit with Vik, and I joined Lamont and his partner Tara at the bar. They poured me some of Xander's latest. It was good - slightly tart, warm on the way down, and hit the bloodstream with a welcome buzz.

I pretended to listen to the chatter, but there was definitely too much smiling over at Julian's table. Anyone who dared to look at him that way had always gotten the fatal glare immediately. But Julian seemed at ease, his usual detached stoicism cast aside. What the hell was Vik saying, that he was so interested in? I didn't even know they talked, but I guessed it made sense. Vik was one of the only people here with an education remotely comparable to Julian's. He'd even gone to study for a few months at a real hospital in a city hundreds of miles to the west.

Lamont noticed I was distracted and followed my gaze.

"How long have they been there?" I asked him.

"Not long. Maybe ten minutes before you got here."

"Ten minutes?" Before we were together, Julian had never talked to me for ten minutes.

"What?" Lamont asked, hearing my alarm.

I shrugged. We both knew that with only a few thousand people in our community, men available to other men were pretty thin on the ground. Vik had cycled through several partners over the years. And here he was with mine.

Lamont turned back to the bar. "I'm sure you have no reason to worry. They wouldn't be together in plain sight if anything was going on."

Just the word together sent a chill down my back.

I stayed at the bar and watched them. Julian glanced over a few times, but I didn't let him catch me. Vik knew how to work his dark lashes and perfectly symmetrical lips, and he wasn't passing up any opportunity. No way was I legitimizing his flirting by sitting there with the two of them.

Another ten minutes passed before Julian got up again.

"Hey, aren't you coming over?"

I feigned innocence. "Sorry, Tara hasn't been out for a while. She's still catching me up. Can we hang out another night?"

"You sure? Vik wanted to see you."

Me? Like hell. "Another time," was all I said.

"Alright. Well I won't stay if you're busy. See you at home."

Vik gave me a friendly nod and smile from across the room when Julian stopped to say goodbye to him. I returned the gesture, but inwardly I ranted. What right did he have to act so casual, as if he weren't hitting on my boyfriend right in front of me? What did he think was going to happen? Julian would step out with him, and I wouldn't know about it? More likely, he didn't take me seriously as a rival, despite the claim of my relationship. And on that, I couldn't really disagree. No matter what Julian said about wanting to be with me, Vik was much more suited to him: an elite professional, fully mature, even-tempered, and one hundred percent gay.

I didn't go home until late.

After that, Vik started showing up around Julian more often. For a doctor, he suddenly seemed to have a lot of business in the command center. He wanted Julian's advice on teaching field medicine to the hunters and scouts. He had an idea for sourcing alternative treatments to drugs we could rarely find. Sometimes he stopped to chat at dinner. As far as I could tell, he didn't do or say anything overtly suggestive. But he was there, with his big brown eyes and eager smiles, and Julian did nothing to discourage him.

If I was around, Vik was pleasant to me like he always had been. He tried to talk to me too, and he offered to make up for the night I hadn't joined them for a drink. I brushed him off and made myself busy with projects that took me away from the settlement. If Julian wanted to spend time with someone else, that was his business. I really didn't want to be involved. Someone would tell me if anything happened between them that I needed to know.

I said nothing to Julian about it, but every time I saw them talking, I got more worried. Stupid questions with no answers looped in my brain. Why wasn't I smart enough to be a doctor? Why wasn't I brave enough to flirt with other men? It was impossible not to imagine them together, to see how easy it would be for them. Julian wouldn't have to teach Vik how to do his job or how to be his boyfriend. And it was impossible not to wonder if, when he touched me in bed, Julian was ever thinking about Vik's naked skin instead.

On some level, I knew that letting jealousy control me only added to my deficiencies as a partner. But watching an attractive, very eligible bachelor put a smile on Julian's face was just more than I could handle.

* * * * *

Julian:

The third time Avery put me off when I tried to initiate sex, I got annoyed. He was withdrawing again, and I didn't know why, again.

"What's wrong?" I asked, even though I could have bet any amount of money on his response.

"Nothing." Jackpot.

"You know I'll always respect your choice if you don't want sex. But you're barely around anymore, and something's obviously bothering you. Talk to me."

He remained silent, and I lost my patience.

"Avery, I can't read your mind, and I can't spend two weeks every time figuring out what imaginary thing I've done wrong. Either tell me what you're upset about, or deal with it on your own. I'm not going to ask you a hundred more times."

He lay still, and for a moment, I thought he might answer. But all I heard was him moving away and turning his back.

I sighed. Sometimes I wished my partner wasn't barely out of his teens and skittish as a colt. How many times would I have to convince him it was safe to tell me what he needed? I didn't know what else I could possibly say.

Avery hid his eyes from me the next morning, and I could tell he was hurt, even though I was the one always putting up with his paranoid behavior and what I'd said had been more than fair. He rushed to get ready and away from me, and I let him go. I wasn't up for another round of pointless guessing games and sullen silences.

He left without saying goodbye. When I opened the door myself, Maurice was walking up the lane toward me. He was powerfully built, not tall, but he'd always been able to out-lift me. We'd been assigned to the same dorm when we started officer candidate school as teenagers, and we'd stuck together ever since. He had no inclination toward men, but no insecurity about it either. After graduation, we got ourselves posted to the same base, and when our rebellion failed and I decided to abandon the military, he came along.

Like me, he'd come from a military family, but I thought we got along so well because we both tilted heavily to the introverted side of the scale. He was there for me without draining interpersonal energy, perfectly comfortable going weeks or months without really talking. There was also the time I rescued him from what would have been a gruesome death. But we never brought that up.

"What'd you do to him?" Maurice asked good-naturedly, watching Avery hurry away.

I exhaled heavily. "Wish I knew."

"Things not going well?"

I shrugged. "It's always hard to say. They are until they aren't. And it takes divine intervention to get any explanation out of him."

"Iris and I were going to hike up the bluff this evening," Maurice replied. "You should come with. Enjoy some adult company."

"Actually, I'd like that."

The sun was low when the three of us set off. I'd told Avery where I was going; he'd just nodded without looking at me. It was a bit of a hike to the overlook we'd discovered after moving to Fort Laurel, but the view was worth it.

My military comrades and I were grateful for the relative peace we'd found here, where we didn't have to take orders from well-insulated robber barons in an endless succession of preventable disasters. Where we didn't spend our days protecting the extravagantly wealthy and ignoring the misfortunate majority who couldn't count on their next meal. Life with this small, isolated community wasn't less of a struggle, but we had much more say in how resources were spent. Our efforts had direct, tangible benefits, and our consciences were clear. Yet a vast gulf of knowledge and experience still separated us from our new neighbors. We'd seen abuses and suffered losses in magnitudes that they couldn't fathom. Sometimes it was nice to get away alone and not have to filter our jargon or cover our scars.

We climbed steeply beneath towering pines and shorter oaks with young leaves. Iris went in front, carrying along a flask of vodka distilled from fermented rice on one of the nearby homesteads. Maurice and I had noticed her immediately when we arrived on base in Tacoma, and she'd become one of our closest allies. Tall and lithely muscular, with a glossy cinnamon glow, she'd worked twice as hard as anyone else to achieve her command in a system that still valued masculinity over ability. She and I had both been tattoo junkies, and she was at least as adorned as I was. She was pierced as well - ears, eyebrow, and the side of her lip.

There had been more friends in our circle in Tacoma, who might have been here with us in this quiet Louisiana woodland. Too many good soldiers had thrown themselves on the gears, only to be eaten alive by the plutocratic machine.

As usual, we toasted our missing companions with the first drink of spirits, then we settled on the cliff's edge to watch the setting sun turn the valley orange.

"So, Delta, tell us about your boy troubles," Maurice started. He and Iris had always known my real name, of course, but the nickname was original to Maurice, and they both still used it.

Iris pulled her gaze from the scene below. "There are boy troubles?"

"All I know is that Avery's avoiding me and won't say why," I said. "Last time that happened, he was convinced I was going to leave him."

"Are you?" she asked.

"Of course not."

"Have you done something to make him think you might?"

"Not that I know of." I didn't mind Iris's interrogation. It was her way of gathering enough information to be helpful.

"What had him worried before?" she asked next.

I had to answer that one carefully, out of respect for Avery's privacy. "He thought I would want to be with someone...more like me."

Iris watched a couple of herons fly home for the night. "Maybe it has to do with Dr. Naresh," she mused.

"Vik?" I repeated in surprise.

"I've seen the way he smiles at you," she replied. "And you haven't scared him away like you usually do. No doubt Avery has noticed too."

This explanation hadn't occurred to me. "There's nothing to scare. We hardly interact, and if we do, it's either professional or merely friendly. Vik is well aware that I'm committed to Avery. He hasn't done anything inappropriate."

My two friends exchanged glances. The forest shadows stretched across us, but the sky still glowed.

"I'm with Iris on this one," Maurice said. "Even I can tell he wants more than a conversation. If Avery already tends to worry about you leaving, he might be pretty threatened by a doctor coming after you, even an unlicensed provincial one. In case you've forgotten, you've only made one new friend since we arrived here, and he lives with you."

They had a point. I re-ran my acquaintance with Vik through the lens of Avery's uncertainties, and I could see that though the actual risk of me running off with Vik was nonexistent, Avery might perceive it as a clear and present danger. Preferably, he would learn to trust me a little more, but when I stepped back from my frustration, I knew his skittishness wasn't actually his fault, or mine. He was terrified of hurt and loss because he had lived almost his entire life in their shadow. It was too soon for him to be able to believe in anything else, no matter what I told him. Sunlight was something he needed to see and feel, not hear about.