After the End Ch. 06

Before I realized what was happening, we were on the ground, bodies pressed together. I kissed her mouth, then the smooth curve of her breasts, then her nipples. She dug her fingers into my shoulders, her shameless moans spurring me on. My chest swelled along with my cock at the knowledge that this woman desired me so much.

At some point, Rowan must have shimmied out of her underwear, because the next thing I knew, she was wrapping her legs around my back, and there was nothing but air between my rigid erection and her glistening pussy. I plunged in and our ecstatic groans mingled, our bodies moving in sync. Inside she was blazing, squeezing around my cock, drawing me in. It was raw passion, fast and hard, with Rowan grabbing my ass, urging me deeper, as I fucked her until she was screaming her release. Then I was ramming her passage with a yell of my own, heavy spasms emptying my balls into her.

When I had the use of my muscles again, I rolled off, and we lay on the old farmhouse floor side by side, panting and spent. Post-orgasmic euphoria, all the stronger for its magical appearance out of nowhere, rolled through my body. Conscious thought halted as the glow filled me.

Eventually, Rowan's voice came to me. "So that was unexpected. And awesome."

I looked over at her flushed skin and bright eyes. "Yeah," I replied. "I forgot how much I like women."

Slowly, my brain started working again, and what I had said filtered through the layers of pleasure-induced fog. Why had I forgotten how much I liked women? I replayed the events of the past half hour. Rowan and I had been making a fire, because we had gotten drenched in the stream, on our way back home -

"Oh my god," I said, sitting up sharply. "Shit!"

"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting up also and looking around in alarm.

"What's wrong?!" I clambered to my feet and hastily started pulling my clothes back on, even though they were still wet. "Look at what we just did! I'm in a serious relationship!"

"Oh. Right." She slipped back into her panties. "Is it...a big deal? It was just sex."

"Yes, it's a fucking big deal, Rowan! We've always been exclusive - we've been living together for months!" I grew increasingly frantic as what I had done sunk in. "I can't believe I cheated on him, when he's been nothing but good to me!"

"So don't tell him," she suggested. "I won't say anything. He never needs to know."

I was already shaking my head. "He'll know."

"How?"

"He just will." My despair was mounting. "He knows me; he knows when something's wrong. Even if I could hide it, I couldn't deal with the guilt."

"Ok, then apologize. Tell him it was a mistake. It's not like we planned on doing this, right?"

"Of course not." It had been the furthest thing from my mind when we left that morning.

"He'll forgive you," Rowan said soothingly.

I tried to imagine it. Julian had always been patient with my insecurities and mistakes. He was generous and reassuring whenever I got upset or pushed him away. But this was a whole new level of offense, one that was completely unwarranted. He would have every right to leave me.

Nausea roiled my stomach. "God, what if he doesn't? Did I just throw everything away?" I turned on her. "How could you do this to me?"

"Hey, I didn't do this by myself," she protested. "I didn't mean to cause a problem for you; I wasn't thinking. Neither of us was."

I barely even heard her through the crescendo of anxiety. I paced back and forth across the abandoned farmhouse living room, unable to contain the panic building in my core. "Fuck. Fuck!" My voice echoed back to me from the aged walls, mocking my powerlessness to undo this disaster.

I was thankful for the darkness as we made our way back. I didn't want to see Rowan, didn't want to be reminded of what we'd done. Still, it was all I could think about, and there was nothing I could do but pray that Julian would be merciful.

When we reached Fort Laurel, the two of us reported in at the command center, where Julian was still waiting for our safe return. A new wave of illness rose at the thought that he'd been here, worrying whether I'd been captured or killed, while I'd been enjoying someone else's naked body.

I avoided his gaze and let Rowan report the information we'd gathered. All too soon, Julian and I were walking the short distance home. Consumed with dread, I chased wild scenarios around my brain, searching for any justification to put off what was about to happen, but nothing stuck. I just couldn't bring myself to betray his trust further by pretending I hadn't.

Once we were alone, I allowed him to give me a hug and a kiss, then I sat on the edge of the bed.

"Julian...I have to tell you something."

He read my anxiety and sat next to me. "What's wrong?" he asked, reaching for me automatically.

I flinched away. I couldn't let him comfort me when I was the problem. "No, I did something," I said, dropping my tone low, staring at the floor. "I didn't - I didn't mean to, but it happened, and I'm so, so sorry."

Fuck, this was the worst. Intense self-loathing and equally intense fear swirled my insides. I tightened my fists to try to keep from shaking.

His tone cooled. "What did you do?"

"When I was with Rowan today, while we waited for a clear path back...we were soaked from the stream, so we were drying our clothes...and then she...I..." I took a sharp breath and forced myself to say the words. "We ended up sleeping together." I sped up, trying to explain how this calamitous event could have occurred. "It didn't mean anything, at all - we're just friends, it was just a stupid mistake - she was just there, and it happened so fast, I got confused, but I would never do that on purpose..."

Everything I said just sounded worse, so I gave up. "I'm sorry," I whispered, still far too terrified to look at him.

Julian was silent beside me for an excruciatingly long moment. "You had sex with her," he said finally, as if to confirm the full impact of my story.

I nodded once, rigid with anxiety.

"I don't even know how to respond to that." The deep, distant chill in his voice made my stomach drop out.

"I feel horrible," I whispered.

"You feel horrible? No. I feel horrible. God, Avery, after all the times I've had to convince you I wanted to be with you, all the times I've made this work when you would have just run away - this is what I get? I can't let you fuck me, so you go fuck some woman instead? I don't deserve this."

My throat tightened with unwanted tears. "I know, I'm s-" I tried to say, but he cut me off, deadly in his anger.

"Don't tell me you're sorry anymore. That means nothing."

For the first time ever, I was actually frightened of him. He shoved off the bed and I cringed, half-expecting his fist to slam into gut.

He just stood over me, seething. "I don't know how I could have been stupid enough to believe you could actually be with me. That it wouldn't end exactly like this. I should have known I was just another hookup to you."

"N-no, that's not - please, Julian!" I begged, truly panicking now. "I've been with you for eight months. I screwed up for ten minutes - can't you forgive me?" I looked up at him finally and recoiled from the hatred in his eyes.

"No, I can't," he said flatly. "Not that. I hope those were the best ten minutes of your life." He turned toward the door. "I want you and your things out of here by the time I get back."

"Don't leave," I pleaded desperately, following him. Tears threatened to choke me. "I didn't mean to - I love you!"

Julian paused with his back to me. His words were bitter, completely devoid of the warmth I'd grown so used to. "You didn't love me. You just wanted me. When you've grown up, you might be able to tell the difference."

He walked out, leaving me sobbing as my heart shattered.

It was late the next morning before I could drag myself from the empty tent I'd found to crash in. I didn't want anyone to see me like this, red-eyed and hoarse from crying most of the night, but no one knew where I was, and I had responsibilities. I secured the tent flap to keep the misting rain off my stuff and looked around, feeling disoriented. The settlement was exactly the same as always - wooden structures mingling with canvas, friends and acquaintances bustling about the daily tasks of provision - but I no longer knew where I was supposed to be. Or who I was supposed to be.

I couldn't consider those questions right now. Every thought of Julian drowned me in searing pain, so I tried to order my mind and focus on what I could do. I needed to find a place to live. And change my work assignments. And update Rowan. I decided to start with that one.

She wasn't at the medical center or the main hall, so I approached Xander, who was filling a keg with fresh-pressed cider.

He stared at me. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing." I had to force the word through my battered throat. "Have you seen Rowan?"

"She and Jade took the students to the herb garden." Without saying anything else, I strode off in that direction.

Rowan saw me coming, taking in my swollen eyes and tired steps. "Avery, oh no, did he...?"

"Broke up with me," I confirmed, barely recognizing my own voice. "Threw me out."

"I'm so sorry," she said with remorse that sounded genuine. "I never meant for that to happen."

I looked to the side, fighting to keep my expression neutral. There was nothing to say. I should probably be angry with her for coming on to me in the first place, but what was the point? I'd participated just as willingly as she had, and I didn't want to face the ruins of my life without my best friend.

"Give him some time," she advised gently when I didn't reply. "He'll realize it's not worth losing you."

My throat tightened again. "He seemed pretty set on it."

She laid a hand on my arm. "What can I do to help?"

Unable to speak, I just shrugged. I didn't know the answer to her question anyway. I let her pull me into a hug and clung to it briefly.

"Come hang out with me tonight," Rowan said when she stepped back. "You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"Ok," I agreed. Had to be better than another miserable, inevitable night of crying.

I avoided the command center and anywhere Julian was likely to be. Lamont went to his captain for me and rearranged my assignments so I wouldn't have to report to Julian or work with him closely. I figured he would have sent someone else to supervise the irrigation project when I didn't show up. He'd still have command authority like he did over the entire community, but we wouldn't be forced to interact.

Technically, a change like that should have gone through him, but Lamont explained the situation, and everyone seemed understanding. Maybe too understanding, like they were waiting for this to happen. Lamont also helped me secure new quarters, on the other side of camp from where I'd been living. Where Julian would still be living, without me. I shoved the pain away again.

I caught a few curious glances from my friend, but he was practical about these things and didn't ask for details. He understood that what I needed right now was his logistical support, not his sympathy.

That evening, Rowan and I sat together in her room, talking about anything other than what had happened. I appreciated that she was trying to distract me, but it wasn't enough. The knowledge that Julian despised me, that he would never touch me again or probably even look at me again, kept threatening to break me back down into a sobbing mess. After a while, I reached for Rowan's face and kissed her. She kissed me back for a moment before pulling away to look at me.

"Don't you want to give Julian a chance to forgive you?"

"I did. He refused," I replied, the memory stabbing me fresh again. "I just want to stop feeling like this for a while."

Whatever Rowan saw in my expression, she pulled my mouth back to hers without further argument. Though it wasn't quite the same as in the farmhouse, I was mostly able to lose myself in the warmth and electricity of her, and we enjoyed each other's bodies until I collapsed into fitful, exhausted unconsciousness.

Over the next few days, I moved on from Rowan to Harley, from Harley to Jade, and kept going. Sex was the best way I knew to shut down the looping thoughts of despair and regret, to distract me from the agony of having driven away the man I loved. I knew that rumor of my activities would reach Julian, which on some level was part of my strategy. More than ever, I didn't want him to know how much I was hurting. It was a small way of trying to exert control over the debacle that was now my life. Since sex had broken us up, I used sex to show I didn't need him.

I did need him, though. Just as much as ever. No matter how much physical contact I received from the girls I slept with, I still felt empty. I kept myself as busy as possible, with work and with women, avoiding thoughts of Julian - what we'd had together, what I'd destroyed, the future that would never be. But there was always a time when the night's activities ended and I was left alone in the dark, curled up in the bare room I had moved into, losing another battle against my emotions.

I hated this unfamiliar space where Julian had never been. I hated crying - the ugly stickiness, the way it left my head aching and my eyes stinging for hours. I hated how lost I felt, how helpless I was to turn off my need for the man I had shared so much with. I hated being alone, yet I couldn't bear to keep any of these girls in my bed.

What I felt was not sadness, not loss, but actual agony, that squeezed my chest and twisted my stomach, closed off my throat and clamored in my brain. I knew, with complete certainty, that I could never love anyone like I loved Julian. No one could ever replace him - no one could be as strong and patient and good and caring as him. No one could know me, understand me, fulfill me the way Julian did. It was unbearable that I'd have to endure the rest of my life without the fondness of his smile, the security of being held against his chest, the shattering bliss of his touch on my naked skin. I would never hear his calm, steady voice tell me that he was there, that I was ok. The fact that I had brought this on myself by throwing away his trust caused me the worst pain of all.

Sometimes I wondered if Julian missed me at all. Our breakup seemed to have had no effect on him whatsoever. No swollen eyes or tired features for him, no showing up late to work, no crack in his composure. He didn't so much as glance at me if we crossed paths. I might as well never have existed.

As each day ended and the devastating loss hit with full force again, it was all I could do to keep from running to him and begging him to take me back. I resolved not to be that person; he'd made quite clear what he thought of me. But after suffering through four of the worst nights of my life, I couldn't take any more without at least asking him for another chance. It wasn't like he was gone; we still protected the same fort, took meals in the same hall, and slept within one hundred meters of each other. If there was any possibility of escaping this hell, I had to try.

I found him the next morning supervising hand-to-hand combat practice for off-duty guards and civilian reserves. He paused one of the sparring pairs to correct a position, then he stepped back to observe from a few yards away. I swallowed hard at the sight of his tall form, every joint and muscle in regulation alignment, black t-shirt tight around thick biceps and flat across his stomach. He made no sign that he saw me approaching, even when I stood next to him.

"Julian...can I talk to you?" Grief and longing stormed inside me, scrubbing my voice to little more than a whisper.

His impossibly handsome, serious face turned toward me. An overwhelming desire to throw myself into his arms filled me, followed quickly by the excruciating knowledge that he wouldn't allow me to do that, ever again.

Without changing expression, Julian returned his focus to the mock fights playing out in front of us.

"I would prefer that you call me Delta like everyone else," he said, crushingly dispassionate. "And no, we won't be speaking, unless you have information directly impacting the security of this community."

I hadn't thought it was possible to hurt more than I already did. I was wrong. I fought desperately to keep my chest from collapsing.

"At least let me apologize - explain -"

"There's no need," Julian broke in. He didn't sound angry; he was barely even cold. "That, with you, was...an aberration. A dalliance. It ran its course. Don't bother me about it again."

He strode back into the practice area and called two of the fighters to demonstrate in the center, pointing out openings for attack.

I held it together long enough to get out of sight behind an outbuilding, then wept my heart out.

By the time my relationship with Julian had been over for a week, I was not actually sure I was going to survive. It wasn't getting better. If anything, it was getting worse with each passing day that made our separation more permanent. I felt trapped in an unbreakable glass box that was filling with water, rising higher each day. I could see out, but I couldn't get out; only Julian's touch could unlock the box. The air left at the top was disappearing, and I felt like I was suffocating. If I couldn't be with him, how could I keep from drowning? Every time I thought about it, I nearly started hyperventilating.

Yet what could I do? I had cheated. It was my own fault.

* * * * *

Rowan:

Dinner in the main hall tonight was one of my favorites, slow-simmered stew with melty cornbread, but I couldn't enjoy it. Not with Avery across the table flirting with another of the barely-adult women he'd been targeting since his breakup. By my count, this was the sixth one in as many days. He was putting on a good show: if we hadn't been best friends for so many years, I'd have believed he was actually having fun making her smile and lust for him. But all I saw was his misery, and it was making me miserable too. Especially because I was half responsible.

In some ways, Avery and I would have been the obvious match among our set. He had the take-charge bravado of a natural leader, plus genuine kindness that earned him respect as well as obedience. Not many men managed that balance. On top of his winning personality, he was stunningly attractive. But my feelings never became romantic, and I didn't think his had either. He wasn't exactly one to hide his interest. In women, at least.

For the sake of maintaining an uncomplicated friendship, I'd gotten used to ignoring his looks, but seeing him barely clothed in that old farmhouse last week, I'd forgotten myself. And damn, he had not disappointed. Finally feeling his strong hands on my breasts, his tight body thrusting into my dripping pussy...no wonder he picked up women so easily.

I shook my head to dispel the memories. They weren't going to help me fix the mess I had accidentally made of his life.

Delta was about the last person I expected Avery to fall in love with, and not just because of his gender. To me, Delta was still a cold-hearted stranger, always at least halfway poised for violence. I'd have thought an outgoing, generous person like Avery would want to be with someone more...nurturing. Yet despite his rigid exterior, Delta had managed to provide my friend with stability, support, and true joy, something I'd never succeeded in doing. The two of them had stayed pretty private, but Avery had seemed happier in the past few months than I'd ever seen him.

And now he was alone, trying desperately to pretend he wasn't. Regardless of the indifferent mask he wore, he was practically wasting away before my eyes. He'd always been slim, and this past week I didn't think he'd been eating, or sleeping. Even now, he left his meal untouched and led the bright-eyed girl outside, taking her hand and bending to murmur something beside her head until she giggled.