After the End Ch. 18

I shook my head, shame and guilt welling up in response to his praise. "I did a horrible job. I did everything wrong -- lost my pack, got injured, separated from the others... You all had to spend your whole night out here in the cold searching for me instead of getting any sleep..."

Graham's reply was undeservedly gentle. "Baby, no. Don't blame yourself. I know how well you handle these kinds of emergencies, and I'm sure you did the best you could have. A really bad turn happens to everyone eventually. If our positions were reversed, I'm sure you wouldn't think it was my fault."

"Because you would never be this stupid," I said, not caring how pathetic I sounded. On some level I believed it, and on another I desperately needed him to tell me it wasn't true.

"You are anything but stupid." His voice was kind but final. "And even if you could have somehow avoided this, I know you'd be out here searching for as long as it took if anyone else got hurt and stranded, no matter how it happened. Everyone here is more than willing to help you. Especially me."

I didn't have any more arguments, so I just breathed in his benevolence and tried to savor the brief time I had with him before we'd go back to not being together.

He rubbed between my shoulder blades, probably less briskly than he would have done if he were just trying to get my blood flowing. "You're not shivering as much," he commented with approval. "Feeling better?"

"Yes." I hesitated, and my next words came out in a whisper. "Thank you."

"Of course. I told you I was here for you, didn't I?"

I took a long breath, and then a distant shout carried on the chill wind. "Captain Lansing!"

"Over here!" he called back, poking his head from our protective cover. Soon a couple of soldiers and guards from Fort Laurel came through the trees with more supplies. Graham decided I was warm enough to be bundled into a few more layers, although he stayed close beside me under the blankets. They gave me some food and water to help replenish my energy, and there was even a metal thermos of hot tea that felt nearly as good inside as a crackling fire would have outside. Someone put my ankle into a temporary splint. Then the captain and another guy about my height supported each shoulder like crutches so we could start making our way home.

It was a slow journey with me only being able to use one leg, but at least my temperature was stable and I had Graham at my side. Julian intercepted us after a mile or two, almost speechless with relief, and he could hardly be persuaded to let go of me long enough for us to continue back to the fort.

Others came and took turns carrying my weight, and the sky between the needled and naked treetops had turned grey by the time we reached the gate. Julian and Graham brought me to the med center, and an anxious Vik and Rowan checked my vitals and examined my injury, both hovering even though only one doctor would have been necessary. They were fairly certain it was a sprain rather than a break, although I'd need to monitor it over the next few weeks to make sure the symptoms didn't worsen. I got instructions for reducing the swelling and staying off my foot, and then Graham helped my husband get me home and into bed with my hobbled joint propped up.

The captain lingered in the doorway as if he wanted to stay, but of course he had his own partner to get back to. I was about to crash anyway. I didn't think even the most thunderous of storms could have kept me awake for five minutes longer.

"I'll come check on you this evening, ok?" Graham said as I closed my eyes, still fully clothed except for my boots and outer coat. After freezing half the night, I had no interest in taking off anything that was warm. And definitely not the shirt carrying the faint scent of my former lover.

"Ok," I mumbled. We could argue later about whether I could handle being friends again.

"We're extremely grateful to you, Graham," Julian told him.

"Oh, I didn't do anything special. Anyone could have ended up in the right place."

"I don't think just anyone would have taken care of him as comprehensively as you did," my husband countered. "So thank you."

"If you insist. All's well that ends well, as they say. Get some rest. I'll make sure things are covered today."

Julian must have nodded, because I heard the door shut, and then he was getting into bed. He lay carefully against my side to avoid jostling my leg or my sore muscles. I put my hand into his and pulled it to my chest.

"You warm enough, love?" he asked softly.

"I am now," I told him sleepily. After everything that had happened tonight, being under the heavy quilt with him again felt like something out of a fairy tale.

"Thank you for coming back to me," he whispered.

"Always."

* * * * *

Graham:

Avery's close call was the final nail in the coffin for my relationship with Jade. I'd broken up with people for much less, but even though I knew her happiness wasn't my responsibility, I felt like she was getting a pretty raw deal. On paper, we worked perfectly. I wasn't one to overthink things, but if I made a pros and cons list for this decision, almost everything would be in the "pro" column. Beauty, brains, character, chemistry -- no complaints. Everyone has their quirks and blind spots, but there was really only one major downside to being with Jade: No matter how much I liked her, and liked being with her, I didn't feel that profound, passionate connection that would warrant an enduring commitment. And I did with someone else. Two someone elses, to be exact.

I'd done it as gently as I could, and she didn't seem that surprised. I think she could tell that as much as I admired her, my heart was elsewhere. I'd started this relationship with the expectation that my feelings would develop if I spent more time with her and less with my married lovers. Why wouldn't they, when she was everything I thought I wanted? She'd even been interested in relocating with me back west when my deployment ended. I could easily imagine introducing her to my mom, the way Jade would have charmed her with wit and music and that sparkling smile. My sister would have loved her, and I'm sure Jade would have quickly become a favorite to my niece and nephew. Maybe she'd even have gone so far as to talk me into raising children of our own. With Jade, I could almost imagine it: sleepless nights while she fed a fussing infant every few hours; taking turns soothing the baby back to sleep; singing to it at bedtime and holding its tiny hand as it took those first steps. Not even resenting that my whole world revolved around the demands of a human hatchling.

But I couldn't go any further down that route. Likely we'd have achieved a decent quality of life together, but I wouldn't have been in love, and I simply wasn't willing to make that trade. It wouldn't have been fair to Jade, either. She deserved to be with someone who cared for her much more deeply than I did. Someone who would do anything for her, not because they felt obligated, but because they couldn't contemplate any other choice.

I didn't get a lot of sleep after delivering Avery safely home. I wanted to make sure responsibilities were managed so Julian wasn't interrupted while they recovered, and then I needed to have the talk with Jade. It probably would have been more prudent to be better rested first, but it didn't feel right to wait any longer once I'd made up my mind. After that, I was too keyed up about the other conversation I needed to have -- the one I was on my way to now.

I was unaccustomed to simmering with so many intense emotions. They unsettled my stomach and squeezed my rib cage and left my palms sweaty. But I had to tell them. I had to know if the dreams that had gradually taken root in my heart could ever come true, or if I was destined to stay in the friend-zone I had created. I'd never imagined it might be possible for the romantic impulse to seize me in such an unconventional way. Even if I'd considered the idea of participating in a triad -- which I hadn't, not seriously -- I would have assumed at least one partner would have to be female. I got along great with women, and given the obligations and expectations I'd inherited at birth, I'd always thought I would at least leave myself the option of conceiving biological children with whoever I ended up with.

Avery and Julian were already intricately bonded to each other, joined by a web of titanium-strength cords four years in the making. They'd let me in for sex and casual fun, under specific conditions and within specific boundaries; no one had said anything about escalating to more. I had little idea of whether that might even be an option, other than the dispiriting fact that Vik, my predecessor, had wanted more and had not succeeded.

It did seem I'd underestimated Avery's feelings, at least. That was my best interpretation of his decision to completely shut me out for the past two months, and his husband's evasive responses when I'd asked about it. Plus the way he'd melted into my embrace when I found him yesterday, which I didn't think was wholly a function of how cold he was.

Julian was much more of a wild card. I'd caught glimpses of a depth and passion he normally kept tightly restrained, but it was impossible to say what was really lurking below his surface. I did know that his partner's happiness was of utmost importance to him. I just wasn't sure whether that worked in my favor, given Avery's icy treatment of me. Until last night, that is.

I stood on their doorstep for a minute, working up the courage to present my request, knowing full well the likelihood that I'd be rejected. I didn't have much of a plan for what I was going to say. I just needed to be honest and let them make the decision, one way or the other. Then at least I could move forward knowing I'd been true to my own needs.

I rapped on the door, and Julian let me in. Avery was sitting up in bed, his bad ankle propped on several pillows, but otherwise he looked well.

"Hey guys," I greeted them, doing my best to contain my nerves. "How are we doing? How's our patient?" I looked toward Avery, gaging his mood.

"I'm alright," he answered -- the least amount of information he could have offered, but I took it as a positive that he appeared shy rather than defensive.

"Yeah? How's the ankle holding up?"

"It doesn't hurt too much as long as I don't move. Rowan says it should feel better in a few days."

"Very glad to hear that," I said sincerely. The fact that he'd escaped from yesterday's dire straits with nothing but a sprained ankle was practically a miracle. "How about you, Julian? You get some rest?"

"Yes, thank you. It was much appreciated."

"Happy to help." I stood awkwardly for a moment, getting flashbacks from the last real visit I'd made to this room. "I know you guys have been through a lot in the past twenty-four hours, but would we be able to talk?"

Julian exchanged the inevitable glance with his partner before answering, "Alright." He sat beside Avery at the head of the bed, and I wished I could sit there too, but I hadn't earned that privilege yet. I settled in front of them, feeling much more exposed than I had in October.

I took one slow breath, thought it had no effect on my pounding pulse or fluttering gut. "Look, I know last time I was here, the conversation was...difficult. This one might still be difficult, but probably mostly for me." I glanced at Avery, but for once his face wasn't giving anything away. "I haven't really slept since two nights ago, so I apologize in advance if my thoughts are disorganized. I hope you'll bear with me and let me explain. Like you said back in the summer, Julian, I believe it's safe for me to be candid with you."

"Of course," he agreed, and Avery conceded the slightest nod.

I took another steadying breath. "I ended my romantic relationship with Jade today. Not due to any fault of hers. The deficiency was mine. I couldn't feel for her what I wanted to, or what I expected I would. I thought..." I took a moment to get my words in order. "I always thought, if I got serious about anyone, it would be with a woman. At the very least, a person who was single, in the conventional sense. I had some...preconceived ideas about what an invested partnership needed to look like for me."

My heart hammered loudly until I was able to go on, though I couldn't meet their eyes. "The truth is, I left your relationship because I was starting to feel...quite strongly, about you both. I didn't think there was a future in that -- and maybe there isn't. Regardless, I thought the right thing was for me to find someone of my own I could be happy with, rather than trying to interject myself into a marriage that didn't belong to me. But my feelings have...not changed. If anything, they're more certain. I have no idea if the two of you would even be interested in adding a committed partner. We never talked about it. I just know, after yesterday, I can't go any longer without asking."

I was terrified to find out what their reaction was, but when I finally dared to look up, they were staring at each other, not at me. They had an almost telepathic ability to read each other's expressions that made me incredibly jealous and inspired longing at the same time. If I had to guess, Avery looked slightly hopeful, while Julian looked concerned.

There was silence for so long, I feared I would burst a blood vessel. But at last they seemed to decide that the former commander would speak.

"I'm glad you felt you could bring this to us, Graham, and I think we are...open to the conversation. Would you mind, though, since this is a surprise, giving us a chance to talk privately for a few minutes first?"

"Yes, of course," I replied, buoyed that it wasn't an immediate dismissal. "I don't mind, I mean." I got up and tentatively moved toward the door. "I'll -- wait outside?"

"If you could," Julian confirmed, his refined manners more appropriate to the lavish manors where we grew up than this rudimentary one-room living space in the battered remains of the Gulf Coast.

I grabbed my jacket and stepped out to the dirt path running past their block of domiciles. I managed to resist temptation for the first thirty seconds, but nervousness quickly eroded my discipline. I glanced around and, seeing no one, pressed my ear to the door like a spying child.

Their voices were muted and on the far side of the room, but I could faintly make them out. I felt super guilty for eavesdropping, but waiting in suspense while they decided my fate proved too much for me.

"You said you didn't want to do this any more," Julian was saying.

"With anyone else, I meant," Avery corrected.

"He changed his mind once already with us, and then with Jade. I would hate for you to go through that again, babe." I could only presume they meant me dialing things down to platonic.

"So would I, but...wouldn't it be better to at least try?"

"Is that what you want?" Julian asked.

"I mean...yes." My heart made some kind of ecstatic leap. "But it's not just about what I want. It would be...a big change. I can't expect you to fundamentally restructure our marriage unless it's something you want too. I didn't think it was possible, so I've never asked you."

I held my breath in excruciating anticipation of the answer. "I am...quite hesitant. I worry about all the things that could go wrong, and all the pain it could cause you. But if he hadn't left...I wouldn't have wanted him to leave. So it would seem...unfair, not to give this a chance."

I finally pulled myself away from the door and went to stand at the corner of the building like a mature adult, an immense burden lifted from my chest. With both of them leaning towards acceptance, it sounded like we could negotiate our way into this.

When they called me back in, I had to preempt whatever their announcement was by confessing.

"I'm really sorry, guys -- I was very anxious; I listened in, only for a minute. I heard that Avery wanted to say yes, and that Julian was possibly willing to give me a chance. And that you were worried about my apparent instability as a partner. That's it. I'm sorry -- it was childish of me."

Julian's features actually softened a bit, although it was only the difference between totally inscrutable and marginally human. "It seems you're caught up, then." He gestured toward the bed again.

"Can I please sit next to you, so I don't feel like I'm getting dressed down in the academy administrator's office?" I requested.

"Yes," he agreed with the barest hint of warmth.

I took a position beside him, angled forward some so I could still see Avery. "Would you like to say more, or should I address your concerns?"

Julian traded another glance with his partner. "It's up to Avery to decide what he wants to share with you. But as you may have inferred, it was...difficult for him, when he'd gotten so close to you, and you walked out. Which meant it was difficult for me."

He forged ahead before I could respond. "We realize that our arrangement was casual and you hadn't made any commitment. However, you must have known there were feelings involved besides yours. I can't help having reservations about your judgment. If you truly cared for him, I would have thought you'd have brought it up to us, rather than abandoning him for a different partner."

I checked to see if Avery had anything to add, but he kept his gaze down and his lips sealed, fidgeting with the frayed edge of the quilt.

"I completely understand," I told them both. "I am very sorry it felt that way to you. I never intended to abandon anyone. In my mind, we were going to stay close, just minus the sex. I had no idea he would..." I paused, suddenly not sure if what I'd been about to say was true, or whether I'd been deluding myself.

"I didn't think it was...possible, for me to want this. Or for a married couple as devoted as you to want this. I suppose I found it easier to believe things weren't as serious as they were. Honestly, I don't think I would have realized what I actually needed, if I hadn't tried what I thought I was supposed to need, with Jade. But I very much regret any pain I caused, and of course I would not be presumptuous enough to make that kind of unilateral decision in the future, if we move forward."

Avery spoke for the first time, hesitant and still not looking at me. "If we -- if you --" He cut off and started over. "What would it be like, if you...came back?"

"I hope it would be like it was back in September," I answered. "I would like to be around a lot, while leaving space for you two to be alone when you wanted to be. It would just be more intentional than before. We've always agreed I would protect your marriage, and that wouldn't change. But I would also protect my relationships with each of you. I want to be someone you can rely on, someone who supports you and enjoys life with you. And I hope you would be that for me too."

Avery considered that for a few moments. "So you would be like...our boyfriend?"

"Yes," I agreed, pulse quickening again. "If you'd have me." I glanced toward the man between us, preternaturally motionless as usual. He had yet to reveal his own feelings about being with me, and his expression wasn't providing much insight.

"What if we try it, and you decide you want to leave again?" Avery asked, some of the suffering they'd alluded to creeping into his quiet voice. I wished I could touch him; I wished I'd never inspired the fear I could see in the tense set of his features.

"I have pretty good reason to believe that won't be the case. We've already spent several months together, and that went very well. Even while we've been apart, my level of interest in this relationship hasn't decreased. I feel very prepared to make a strong commitment." I added more emphasis, infusing my tone with the import of a pledge. "I can't tell you what might change in the future, Avery. No one can. But I can tell you that I won't take your trust lightly. I won't make the same mistake again."