After the Free Pass; Death of Magic

Even in normal sex, I could sometimes encourage him to be rough, but quiet. That seemed to bring us closer.

There was one fail-safe if Brad didn't show up. The rope was a stout paper product. It was strong, but moisture weakened it. If necessary, I could chew through it.

Brad

In a sense, Heather finally got me to have sex with a different woman. A woman that liked to be tied up spanked and fucked in the ass. When we had those sessions, I was able to forget the event for the day and sometimes the next day.

We had a modified session when the girls were home, and we could not wait. I only used the crop and not as much. We had a different pair of handcuffs that Heather could release by pushing a button. That way the handcuffs could instantly disappear if one of the girls knocked on the locked door which I replaced with a solid door. We also turned on a TV. No red marks except on her butt.

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years

Brad

We had S&M sex on Heather's birthday. It is the first time that I smiled on her birthday since the event. It's good for a couple of days; The rough, ordinary sex is good for a couple of hours. Still, when we do that, I can, for a little while, hold her without hearing the constant scream in my head. Sometimes I can even fall asleep. When I wake up, there is this short interval, as I am waking up, in which I dream that the event never happened. I teeter on the brink of consciousness, not knowing which is the dream and which is real. Then reality pushes its way into my senses, and I know once again that my marriage is shit.

We're back in counseling, with a new counselor. Her name is Ann. I feel comfortable with her. She is younger than Heather, but she seems well grounded.

Heather

Our new therapist is young, endowed, and strawberry blonde. I think Brad likes her. I'm glad to see him take an interest in anything. Maybe he will listen to her.

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years + 3 months

Heather

I'm desperate for him to fuck somebody. Then he'll see that it doesn't make any difference. I've offered that before, but he declined. He said a hole in the back of the bucket won't fix a whore in the front side. Besides, he said, he wasn't keeping in touch with any potential fuck buddies.

I wrangled an invitation to a key party. I even arraigned that the draw would be rigged so that he would get a scorching hot woman who knew the situation. I know that he will melt if a pretty woman tells him that she wants to have sex with him.

That would at least solve the problem for him not having anyone to fuck. But when he found out what the party was about, he went to the hostess and asked for his keys back. He did that quietly and then told me we were leaving. I tried to talk him out of it.

He exploded and said, "How do you think that more infidelity is going to fix our infidelity problem?"

I was very embarrassed.

Brad

That stupid key party. What did she think that would accomplish? The problem started when she fucked Mark. Now she wanted to fuck some random stranger at a party. How was that going to make me happy?

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years + 6 months

Heather

The key party was a setback. The counselor got him to explain that he saw it as an attempt by me to have more extramarital sex. I got the feeling that she didn't approve of key parties.

His birthday is coming up. I'm going to give him his own free pass. Even if he doesn't want it, he'll have it, and maybe he'll use it. He allowed me four days. I was going to give him four one day passes to be used in isolation or all at once. But then I decided to give more. I would give him five. But that didn't seem like such a significant gesture. So, I decided on eight. Twice as many. Only eight times with the same woman eight weeks in a row could turn into a relationship. I stuck with eight but included the stipulation of no more than four in any calendar year. Of course, he could use four at the end of one year and four at the beginning of the next year. I'll take that chance, if it means he fucks somebody, sometime.

Maybe I will have to groom someone for the job.

Brad

I can't believe she gave me a free pass. It was made out of heavy stock with a picture or her on the front, wearing provocative lingerie.

On the back, it said "Brad's Free Pass Card, good for any eight days*. No advanced permission needed, but must tell all afterward." It ended with a smiley face.

It wasn't explicit; in case one of the girls saw it, I suppose. The asterisk at the bottom said "No more than 4 in any calendar year." It's likely to be less than one in the next decade. Also, on the back, there were eight hearts. Each had a line out beside it. For the date, I guess. And maybe a name. I would never put a name. Maybe I'll just write "hooker." Maybe next time I fuck her, I'll put that date down and write "whore." Where would I find a woman to have sex with me with no future? Anyway, she just doesn't get it. Eight times with other women can't be as harmful to her as her one time was to me. If it were, she wouldn't offer it. But she did offer it, so it must not mean anything to her. I told her "thanks." I guess that I appreciate that she is trying to find ways to fix us.

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years + 6 months+1 week

Brad

We have been having occasional private sessions with Ann. What we said was confidential and would not be revealed to the other person. At one of those sessions, I told Ann about the free pass. I must have had a pained expression. Ann asked me what I thought, and I said that it wouldn't help.

She said, "Brad, you have been in counseling on and off for three years. I think that you are holding back. I think it is too dark for you to tell Heather, but you can tell me."

I told her that when I first met Heather, that it was magic. In my mind, there was a permanent song that went "Heather. Liz. Elizabeth. Heather" and repeated over and over. Sometimes after we were married, the magic would weaken, but we could always get it back.

Then I said, "When she called me to say that she was with Mark, the magic died. If she had come home before that, I think we might have gotten the magic back. But she didn't, and now the magic is dead. Nothing can bring the magic back from death. It's gone."

I told her that I had no hope of getting the magic back, but I owed Heather an honest effort to try. I admitted that all I wanted was to hold it together until the children graduated from college.

She said that was a long time to live a loveless marriage.

I said that there was love. It was just the magic that was missing.

Heather

We were supposed to have a joint session, but Ann changed it to a private session with me. I was really looking forward to it. I thought that she was going to tell me that I was going in the right direction.

Instead, she told me," I'm a Christian counselor. I can help you with past infidelity and the threat of future infidelity, but I cannot be your counselor if I know that you are planning infidelity."

She agreed that we could have a few more session to wrap it up and offered several councilors that could work with us.

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years + 6 months + 3 weeks

Brad

We had a session with Ann. She told us why she could not continue. I told her not to worry because I wasn't going to use the pass anyway. She said that she was uncomfortable with continuing with us.

Ann got me to tell Heather about the magic and how it was dead. Heather got really mad. She blamed me. Why did I let her go to Mark if it was so damned important?

That was to be our last session with Ann. She again recommended other councilors. She also said that I might benefit from a private counselor. I asked her if she could be my counselor, but she declined.

Heather

I told Brad that I still felt the magic. I said he shouldn't blame me because I would not have gone if he had asked me to stay. We yelled at each a lot at that session.

Unexpectedly, we had good sex that night. Maybe we needed to yell. After the girls were in bed, he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me backward into the bedroom and then shoved me against the wall. I was turned on. He pulled my pants off and fucked me in the ass. He used lube, so it wasn't terrible. But it hurt a little because I wasn't expecting it. It turned me on some more.

Then he threw me onto the bed and went down on me. After I orgasmed, he held me for a long time. Maybe letting that terrible secret out would do some good.

- - - - - - -

Event + 3 years + 6 months + 4 weeks

Brad

After the last session where I revealed the death of the magic, Ann said that perhaps we needed a few more sessions. At my next private session, I teared up.

I said quietly "I call her birthday D-Day to myself. That stands for death day. It's the anniversary of the day the magic died. I blame myself. I should have never given her that free pass in the first place. I knew that the magic would die if she went to Mark. I could have said no. But then I wouldn't have been a man of my word. Pride. It's pride that undid me. I could have said no, and saved us. But pride wouldn't let me. I gave my word, and that was so important, that I let my marriage fall into the tar pit that snuffed the life out of it. I wish I could have chosen to be a happy scoundrel that failed to keep his promise."

Ann said that I should tell that to Heather during our next joint session.

Heather

At our next and indeed last session, Brad admitted blame for our situation. I felt vindicated. I didn't say anything to make him feel worse. I just tried to comfort him. I thought that this would surely be the refoundation of our marriage.

I expected good sex that night, but Brad was melancholy. I told him that we would get the magic back, now that the air had cleared.

Brad said, "Don't you get it. It doesn't matter whose fault it was. I should have stopped you. If that makes you feel better, I'm glad. But the magic is gone. It's never coming back."

I said, "You admit that it's your fault. Don't you have an obligation to try to fix it."

Brad said, "What do you think that I have been doing for the three and a half years? Yeah, it's my obligation to fix it. But, I can't. You gave it to Mark, and I let you. We can't get it back from him because it's his magic now. There is no space in our marriage for magic. That place is filled with bitter bile and indestructible concrete."

After that, I felt pretty melancholy, too.

- - - - - - -

Event + 4 years

Heather

My birthday again. Hot S&M sex again. But I think my magic is dying now. He could save it, but I don't believe that he will. It's just a question of when do we separate. When the girls leave home? Sooner? Tomorrow? Today?

- - - - - - -

Event + 4 years + 1 months

Brad

We didn't continue counseling after Ann dumped us. The sex was a little better and a little more frequent. Heather seems to be losing her interest. Maybe I killed her magic. I don't know how much longer I can stand to be with Heather. Touching her is like touching acid. I am depressed.

- - - - - - -

Event + 4 years + 4 months

Heather

Brad is a reliable father. He makes an effort to smile at me. Sometimes we have passionate sex. I think the magic is dead for me now. As long as he is there for the girls and treats me with respect, I don't care what he does. It's not my fault. He gave me the damned pass and permitted me to use it. All I did wrong was to believe him and fail to read his mind. I'm not going to feel bad about it anymore.

- - - - - - -

Event + 4 years + 7 months

Brad

I was surprised to get a call from Ann, almost exactly a year after our last session. She asked me how I was and if I got private counseling. I said "no," and asked her if she had reconsidered being my private counselor. She said that would be unprofessional. However, since a year had gone past, I could speak to her as a friend. She said that I could visit her at her office after her last client on Friday. I told Heather that I wouldn't be home for dinner. Staying out late with my buddies on Friday night was not unusual.

Ann always dressed attractively but professionally. When I arrived on Friday, it was much the same, but slightly more colorful. Instead of her usual professional smile she gave me a big smile. We chatted for a while and then she said that there was a quiet restaurant nearby where we could talk in a non-professional setting.

We drove separately to the restaurant. She told me that she needed an extra twenty minutes to freshen her makeup. I waited for her in the bar. When she arrived, she was a different woman. He had on a shorter skirt with a long slit in the front. The top two buttons of her blouse were open. Her make up changed from "I'm just a fly on the wall, don't see me," to "look at me, I'm an attractive woman."

Her cleavage was impressive, and her bosom was ample. For the first time in years, I felt an attraction to a woman. However, she did not flirt with me or give me any suggestion that our conversation was anything more than a conversation.

I asked her if there were possible professional ethics problems with meeting me. She explained that in this state, she could see me socially one year and one day after our last professional contact. She would, however, never divulge anything that any client, including Heather, had ever told her.

I asked her about her Christian ethics. She said that she was divorced since I last saw her and was not in good standing with her church. She talked a lot about her divorce. She said that she understood about the magic and that her marriage had unraveled after a single incident of infidelity.

We each paid our own tab.

I didn't tell Heather that I had dinner with Ann. But later I said to her that I would be seeing Ann, but that she would keep confidential anything Heather said to her in private. Heather said it didn't matter. I didn't say that I would be seeing Ann non-professionally. If Heather assumed it was individual counseling, I wasn't going to disabuse her of that though.

- - - - - - -

Event + 4 years + 8 months

Brad

Ann and I have had dinner together every Friday for five weeks. She looks more attractive every week. The only provocative gesture she has done is to touch my hand.

Ann said, "Helping you is helping me. I've been where you are going."

"You think so?"

"Yes. I tried to keep a marriage going after the magic died."

"Did you have children?"

"My husband had a child out-of-wedlock that did not live with us, although he visited with us. We were married when he conceived that child. It was his old high school girlfriend who was having a hard time after breaking up with her boyfriend. He said that he was going to check on her when he visited his parents. It was just a friendship thing. He doubted that he would even see her. I didn't object. He often visited his parents; he was bound to run into old friends.

"He did find his old girlfriend, and they did have sex. When he got the served court papers for child support and did not fight it, I knew what happened. He said that it was just once. It was just sex. He felt sorry for her and wanted to give her comfort.

"I tried to put it behind me, and little Adam was a joy. But it kept gnawing at me. I had magic for a year and a half and three without. I finally threw him out. It hurts to lose someone that has been part of your life for almost five years, but now that I did it, it feels better."

"So not exactly the same, having no kids of your own that live with you."

"Yes, not the same in that way. But the same in losing the magic. You had magic longer; it will take you longer to give up."

This was when she touched my hand as she said, "we both deserve magic. Heather deserves magic. The only way she and you will get it is to divorce."

I felt a little magical tingle when she touched my hand. When she said that we deserve magic did she mean each of us separately or both of us together? I was enchanted by the possibilities.

"Do you still have that free pass?"

"Yes. Eight nights with anybody to do anything."

"Heather really wanted you to use it."

"She thought it would help."

"Why didn't you try it, if she wanted you to do it?"

"I suppose because it wouldn't help and I still had hope."

"Do you still have hope?"

"No."

"Then, since you have no hope, why don't you try it?"

"Are you sure that you are an ethical Christian?"

"I'm crossways with them."

"Who would try it with me?"

"Someone who altruistically thinks she can save you by fucking you."

"Do you think just once would do it?"

"No. It took four days for Mark to be saved. I think that you may need eight."

"And where would I look for this altruistic angel?"

She put her elbows on the table, folded her hands and rested her chin on her knuckles. She stared at me with beautiful green eyes.

Then she said, "Not far."

"Not far? Like somewhere in this city?"

"Closer."

"Within a mile?"

"Closer."

"A thousand feet?"

She leaned closer and put her hands around my neck. She pulled me closer and put her lips on mine and kissed me. Then with her cheek touching mine, she said, "zero feet."

I said, "I'll get the check. Where is heaven, altruistic angel Ann?"

"My place. Not far. Two car garage that is home to only my car. Follow me?"

"I'll tailgate you."

And so, I followed her home. We put both cars into her garage.

On Saturday I told Heather that I used one of my passes.

She said, "You don't need to tell me. In fact, you can have as many as you want."

I asked, calm and kindly, "Is this the end?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"It really was my fault, I was stupid," I admitted

"Yeah. I want the house and primary custody. I make more than you; I can handle the mortgage. You can visit as often as you like."

"OK. Split everything else and child support per state guidelines?"

"Yes."

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Don't bother to file. I've got a lawyer on retainer. All I have to do is call him to file. He can mail you the petition and a waiver. If you sign the waiver agreeing that you got the papers, you can avoid being served."

"That's fine with me. I'll leave now and pick up my things when the girls aren't here."

"No. I don't want them to wake up and find you gone. We're going to tell them. We are going to explain it to them. We're not hurting each other anymore. There is no reason that we can't stay together long enough for them to process it. Stay six months. About halfway through that, you move to the other bedroom."

"Sounds like you thought about it."

"I have. Did you get your magic back?"

"Not sure. Maybe."

"I'm glad for you. The girls are at a sleepover. Want to tie me up and have fantastic S&M breakup sex?"

That surprised me. I was expecting anger.

"I'd rather our last sex be gentle and loving. I still love you."

"I still love you too. Our last sex can be loving and gentle. No one said that tonight would be our last sex. For the next six months, we are married and may enjoy the privileges thereof. Come on, grab my hair. Don't hold back, there is nothing to lose."

I grabbed her hair and dragged her to the bed. I tied her up and used the crop. I fucked her in the mouth, cunt, and ass, finally coming in her ass. I released her and showered. I held her as we both fell asleep. In the morning I asked her for a gentle, loving blow job and got the best blow job ever.

We had sex every night until Friday when I said that would be out. She said, "See if you can use your pass."

I told Ann on Friday that Heather and I had the talk and we were going to get divorced, but that we were going to stay together for six months for the girls to get used to the idea. I didn't mention the sex. She said that it was a good plan. Considering how long we had been together and how long we had been unhappy six months, she agreed, was a reasonable transition period.