After the Second Fall Pt. 02.2

"You know, I could stay in this role for another twenty years and still not know everything we do," Lilith mused. "Anyway, the bigger point is that disposition is a good example that there is some genetic variability in our Adams, even if they are as close to identical as we can make them, right?"

"Sure, but there are better examples. We have no idea what happened to Pip, but even setting him aside as an outlier, Mars is a full hand taller than the others in his cycle. Strictly speaking, that shouldn't happen."

Lilith was nodding now. "Exactly: variation can be good."

"Well, I guess it depends on your perspective," stated Geo cautiously, "but sure, sometimes we get lucky."

"So my thought is that there would be more variability, and therefore more opportunities for positive variation -- mutation? -- if we let nature help."

Geo's mouth actually fell open at what Lilith was saying. "That's... either the single most brilliant idea I've ever heard, or the absolute worst, and I have no idea which it is," he said weakly. "This is way outside my purview."

Lilith looked pleased with herself. "Baker?" Geo nodded. "You're right: it does sound like a Special Project. You'll follow-up with him, see what's possible?"

He nodded again. "We'll need a proper head of Research & Development if this goes forward."

"Actually, that's a topic for our next Council meeting. I think we should look at the R&D personnel from Northumberland. The director was executed, but based on their program's success, they obviously have some brilliant people."

"Dammit," said Geo, "I should have thought of that. In retrospect, of course Jacobs didn't want new R&D folks coming in and figuring out what he was up to -- fuck!"

"It's okay, Geoff," said Lilith, patting his hand reassuringly. "Hey, another thought: are their facilities still operational? If we decide to go forward with my maybe-brilliant idea, could we use them instead of ours?"

"I'll go find out," said Geo rising. "You know, John would be damn proud of you, and for what it's worth, so am I." With a warm smile, Geo disappeared and Lilith was left alone in her office.

Rather than bolstering her confidence, Geo's compliment caught her unprepared, providing a pathway for thoughts of John to creep around the barriers she kept in place while facing her daily responsibilities; as the first tear reached for her cheek, she felt the pain as acutely as she ever had. Time had passed, and his loss still felt raw, like an infected wound that refused to scab over.

Most nights, alone in her suite, she let her feelings of loss run wild, reveling in self-pity, but this was the first time she had broken down in a different setting since that awful day. Channeling her sessions with Dr. Acker, hearing the woman's soothing voice, Lilith took a deep breath and examined her feelings critically. Why the loss of emotional control?

The answer came immediately: her idea, of course, was at least partially to blame.

Lilith already knew engineering female Adams was something they would pursue, and at the fastest possible speed. The potential upside was too enormous to ignore, especially considering it might address a problem she had been wrestling with since her ascension: maintaining Pip's advantage after he was no longer able to fight. This assumed that the Effect would be passed genetically, which was clearly not a given, but it was a damn sight better than hoping it happened again randomly. What's more, she was certain John would have approved, as Geo had implied, even more so because the idea was likely to cause consternation and debate across the entire Complex, and he had always liked stirring things up, particularly when there actually was progress to be made.

Lilith was entirely comfortable pushing boundaries, and always had been, but such a radical departure from established protocol would not have occurred to her a year ago. Apparently, she had not been immune to John's influence, and it was this thought that made her smile, even as the tear finally broke free.

After wiping her eyes and taking several more centering breaths, Lilith was back in control, but still unsettled. She had appointments scheduled throughout the afternoon, but knew she would be worse than useless -- when there was too much going on in her mind, she tended to be unclear when giving directions, which only led to confusion. "Mariana!"

The new assistant hurried into the room, looking worried. "Yes, ma'am."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell," said Lilith, trying to be accommodating to the woman's sensitive nature. "I need you to cancel my meetings for the rest of the day; I have some personal items to work through."

"Of course, ma'am," the assistant replied, scurrying from the office. Lilith sighed. She had finally admitted that having someone to help would be worthwhile, but was struggling to find the right fit. Mariana was the third assistant in less than two weeks, and was a little too soft for Lilith's taste. Maybe Rachel would have a recommendation since she was never wrong about anybody or anything. Ever.

Lilith smiled, deciding that seeing her friend -- yes, Rachel was her friend -- would also be a good step toward getting past her current turmoil.

The walk to the Logistics department was uneventful, excepting only two wrong turns that resulted from Lilith not paying attention: her feet kept trying to take her to the Courtyard. In the end, it didn't matter as Rachel had already left her office for lunch. Lilith hadn't considered this possibility because she had no idea it was lunchtime, but maybe this wasn't so surprising given her current state.

Thinking about it, Lilith realized she hadn't been to the Courtyard since the day of the revolt, rarely eating lunch at all, so she had no idea if Rachel had begun taking a midday break again. The idea of seeing those familiar people, laughing and joking -- or even just relaxing -- without John, chilled her thoroughly. Seeing their looks of pity, however well intentioned, would make her lose it again.

Maybe seeing Dr. Acker was a good idea, after all.

Lilith walked unhurriedly, her mind once again wandering, and even though her eyes open, images of the past moved across her vision. Memories from the last months, bright and well defined, stole her attention. She smiled as she relived beautiful moments with John, and also with Cassidy, Rachel, and some of the others; without conscious thought, she stayed entirely away from that day. As she turned the final corner, sunlight caught her eyes and she squinted, raising a hand to provide some relief.

In the moment it took her vision to adjust, Lilith just had time to register that Rachel was moving toward her, a genuine smile on her face, before the younger woman pulled her into a warm embrace. After some time -- something between a hundred and a thousand beats -- Rachel eased off. "Welcome back."

"I didn't mean to come..." Lilith started before trailing off.

"You're here now," Rachel replied warmly, "and that's what's important." Lilith nodded as Rachel guided her toward their normal lunch table where an empty place was waiting between Rachel's own spot and Maggie. Rosie and Emily were also in attendance, the latter pulling something from a nearby cart. Pip, with Mars seated next to him, acknowledged her with a small wave. Although everyone was looking at her, it felt much more natural, and more welcoming, than she had imagined.

Throughout the Courtyard, people -- Lilith's colleagues, all of them her responsibility -- were milling around, talking, laughing, and generally enjoying the weather and each others' company. Above, almost exactly the color of the walls in her suite, pale blue stretched across the entire sky, broken only by the occasional streak of white; she slowed, imagining what it would be like to waft along on the breeze like a bird, free from her concerns. Her morose mood, which had been stifling in her office, slid back just a bit and Lilith managed a small, inwardly focused smile.

As she stepped to the table, receiving a kiss from Maggie on the cheek as she did so, Emily placed food in front of her. "Director Frazier has me bring enough for you every day," the young woman said in response to Lilith's curious look.

Lilith turned to Rachel, who was still smiling. "I knew you would be back, just not when."

"How do you always do that?" Lilith asked, genuinely curious and just a little exasperated.

"I think through as many possibilities as I can, then plan for the ones that seem most likely. If some of them are right, then it looks like I was prepared."

"She's teaching me," added Emily, resuming her own place.

"You don't see all the times I'm wrong," Rachel finished with a wink.

Lilith looked critically at the lovely brunette, who had resumed her meal; the grin tugging at the woman's mouth let Lilith know that Rachel knew she was being examined. "No," said Lilith shaking her head finally, "I don't buy it. It's not possible that you're just a good planner." Rachel didn't reply, but her grin turned up just a little bit more as she continued to cut up the fish and asparagus on her plate.

"May I join?" asked a familiar male voice. Lilith looked away from Rachel to see Constable Reeves, waiting with a black bag hanging over his shoulder. Unlike the last time Lilith had seen him when he had been wearing his black Constabulary dress uniform, he was attired in a generic gray one-piece outfit that had obviously come from the Complex Stores. "Of course, Constable," Lilith replied automatically, not thinking to ask the others. She started to feel like she might have overstepped when she saw Reeves bump fists with Mars and Pip and wave to the other women. Just like that, Lilith's return was old news, and conversation returned to where it had left off. Lilith was content to eat quietly, enjoying the food, and also the proximity to people she had missed.

Pip and Mars were the first to leave, and it wasn't long until it was just Rachel, Rosie, and Lilith left at the table; the constable had only stayed long enough to wolf down half a sandwich and a pastry that Emily had tossed to him. The entire meal had obviously been orchestrated to make Lilith comfortable, and also to provide an opportunity for her to talk with Rachel afterward, although she wasn't sure why Rosie had stayed.

"Thanks, Rachel, and you, too, Rosie -- you're good friends," she said at last. Rachel squeezed Lilith's hand, and with a parting smile, stepped away, leaving the Executive Director confounded once again. Rosie slid around the table, stopping next to Lilith, looking at her with a soft, understanding smile. "They tell me I'm a good listener."

Lilith chuckled. "I already see Dr. Acker."

"So do I," Rosie replied, "and it helps, but there's a difference between understanding loss on an intellectual level and understanding loss on a personal level." She motioned with her head to a bench against the wall. "Come sit with me?"

"I was on my way to talk to Rachel..." Lilith said aloud, realizing she was being ungrateful. She closed her eyes and calmed her mind. Opening them again, she saw Rosie was waiting patiently for her answer. "Of course, Rosie, thank you for the offer."

The two sat in the sunlight, which slowly turned into shade as the sun made its daily trek. Bells had passed as Lilith talked about her feelings of guilt and pride, her triumphs and disasters, her love and loss. Now that she was finally winding down, she felt utterly exhausted. "Rosie, thank you for listening, but I need to be done -- I don't have the mental energy to go on any longer."

"I'll walk you back to your rooms."

Lilith thought about objecting, but it was a nice gesture and she would be glad of the younger woman's company for a little while longer. Rosie offered her elbow and the two left the Courtyard arm in arm. Unlike her previous stroll, Lilith's mind was almost completely empty throughout the course of their short trek. Opening her door, Lilith realized she didn't want to be alone. "I..."

Rosie smiled warmly and nodded, taking Lilith's hand and leading her inside.

There was a moment of awkwardness before Lilith motioned for Rosie to follow her into the bedroom, stopping on the plush purple rug. "Rosie, it's a lot to ask, but can you undress me?" Lilith's voice was soft, uncertain, and afraid of rejection. Rosie nodded immediately, but her hands took several moments to respond. When they did, they looked tentative, and the first button was fumbled several times before finally being released. The black suit was soon folded and lying on the corner of the bed with the accompanying white shirt next to it. Lilith, now wearing only her undergarments, stood shaking. "I don't think I can take another night by myself."

Rosie nodded her head again and started removing articles of her own clothing as Lilith laid down on top of her covers, not sure what else to do. Now down to her camisole and panties, Rosie climbed onto the bed.

The two women had already shared intimacy, but this was something different entirely. Lilith was barely breathing as Rosie leaned toward her, staring deeply into her eyes. As Rosie's mouth slowly closed the distance to her own, Lilith watched the moment play out with a sense of disconnected fascination.

The moment their lips touched, exhaustion washed over Lilith, her eyelids fluttered, and she sagged back into the mattress.

Chapter 13

When coherence returned, Lilith found herself still laying in bed, although she was now leaning heavily against Rosie. Lilith's mouth was dry and her back was stiff from the awkward angle, but she felt surprisingly good nonetheless. "What happened?" she rasped.

"You fell asleep," Rosie said with a smile.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to crash on you like that."

Rosie shrugged graciously, her smile still in place. "It's okay. I think maybe you felt safe for the first time in a while and it caught up with you. How are you feeling?"

Lilith sat up straighter, examining her mental state. "Better, I think." Her eyes were clear for a moment, then started to water while her shoulders sagged. "But I don't want to feel better. It's only been a little while, and it's not fair to John." She sniffled loudly as matched tears traced paths down each cheek. "I don't want to forget him."

"You won't," Rosie said comfortingly, placing her hand on Lilith's arm. Lilith flinched at the contact, then relaxed with a sheepish look. "It's okay, Lilith. You need to heal, and a big part of that is letting the pain fade. The memories will still be there when the wounds have scabbed over."

Lilith ducked her head, knowing the statement to be true, but struggling nonetheless. "So you thought you could help me?" she asked finally.

"Rachel and I both did," Rosie replied. "I would have come to talk sooner, but she thought that you needed to take the first step yourself."

"Coming back to lunch," said Lilith to herself, which Rosie confirmed with a nod. "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but why you?"

Rosie smiled self-consciously. "Rachel says I'm extremely empathetic."

"You two have talked a lot then?"

The younger woman nodded. "We've gotten close, sharing our stories. The things she went through make me physically sick to think about. She's such a wonderful person, and her husband did awful things to her. Really awful.

"As I listened, it was like I could feel her pain, and I wanted so badly to make it go away. I just took her hand and she slid off to sleep. When she woke up, some of the pain had gone, too."

Lilith smiled and wiped her eyes. "So Pip's super power is manipulating time, and yours is putting people to sleep."

Rosie folded her arms and scooted away so she could properly mock-glare at Lilith; it was only a few beats before she relaxed again. "Like I said, I just listen. You fell asleep because you were emotionally drained, as much as I would like to think I did something special."

Lilith was no longer crying, but her eyes were still wet. She reached out slowly and gently took Rosie's hand in both of her own, squeezing it firmly while soaring through the beautiful blue sky contained within the younger woman's eyes. The moment stretched, the women lost for a time in each other.

With a small shake of her head and a couple rapid blinks, Lilith came back to herself. "Thank you, Rosie."

Rosie smiled joyfully, reminding Lilith what a beautiful young woman she was. Considering Rosie's early circumstances and how short a time she had been at the Complex, the change was both staggering and tremendously reassuring.

"Is it just you and Rachel that have these long talks?"

"And a few times with Maggie. She gets upset before fights, even now, so I try to ease some of her anxiety."

"What about Pip?" Rosie's smile broadened further and she giggled, ending with a snort.

After a few moments, she composed herself. "I love Pip so much. He treats us wonderfully, and I really think he would do anything for us." Her face scrunched as she tried to figure out how to proceed. "In some ways, he's like a caricature of a normal person. He feels things deeply, but those feelings tend to be simple." She paused again before continuing. "When Max died, he was really angry, probably for the first time. You remember, right? All of that anger was focused on fighting, so he was able to cope with it, because all he had to do was win. Simple. Easy.

"The executions, where you had him fight all those men at once..."

"Don't remind me," said Lilith, queasy at the thought of it, even after months.

Rosie nodded vigorously, her hand chopping down for emphasis. "Exactly. It should have been just as simple -- go kill more people -- but it wasn't. There were other... complications, like what's right and wrong. I think that's why he walked away before it was over, and why it took him quite a while to get past it. He's not really equipped to deal with complex emotional situations."

Rosie let the statement float, unsupported by further arguments.

Lilith started to craft a reply, then realized she didn't know what to say and closed her mouth. Instead, she nodded her head and let her vision blur, staring somewhere above Rosie's dark haired head.

"Are you okay?" Rosie asked eventually.

Lilith nodded and took a deep breath. "I was just thinking about something Maggie told me a while ago, about real love."

Rosie cocked her head to the side. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. I was thinking how lucky I was to have John."

"Lilith, this is going to sound a little sappy, but he was lucky to have you, too," Rosie said gently, "and don't forget, you'll always carry part of him with you." She paused to let the sentiment properly catch hold. "Right?"

Lilith smirked, then nodded. "Thanks again, Rosie." Rosie dipped her head graciously, her broad smile once again in place. "So what now?"

"How should I know? You're the one in charge." Lilith's hand shot out and pinched Rosie's hip, which elicited a yelp from Rosie as she scrambled from the bed, giggling.

The two women stared at each other, both smiling. It wasn't long before Rosie's eyes started to drift lower, taking in Lilith's compact form, far more womanly than would be expected given her diminutive stature. The corner of her mouth turned up and her eyes narrowed as she quickly shucked her undergarments. Lilith, whose gaze had also been exploring, was only a beat behind so that when Rachel climbed onto the bed, she, too, was nude.

Some undefined period later, but still during the same day, Rosie left with a smile. Lilith, now washed and laying on a clean sheet, marveled at how much better she felt. She thought of John's goofy grin, his hard body, and the way he called her Kitten, and rather than feel her world fall apart again, she reached down, slowly teasing herself as she drifted off to sleep.