Against All Odds Pt. 04

"Well, that changes nothing, really, does it?"

"Yes, it does because, at the very least, you need to know the truth. Look, Melissa's really messed up. She knows she fucked up and needs to talk to you and not hide what she's feeling inside. Melissa's a turtle. This is how she copes. Frankly, Dave, she's a remarkable young woman, but I think you know that."

I nodded but still had my jaw clenched.

"She's at the loft right now. Waiting for you."

All my grace was gone, and I quickly rolled through the plan I had made. I repeated the steps until I had the correct stiff upper lip.

"I don't know if I want to see or listen to her."

"Yes, you do, Mike. You need the closure. You need to salvage some memories, and Melissa needs this if she's ever going to have a chance."

Grace came back with just a wisp, but it was enough.

Mike came over, and Charity went back to man the bar. He and I quickly checked in on my plans, specifically about not picking up. I had tools. Mike was just reminding me that Melissa was a newcomer and that there was a "give back" code. He was giving back.

Very unsettled, I said my goodbyes, and we made loose plans to get together soon. I left with a fearful determination.

Melissa Gets Deep

When I got the Loft, I cleaned up and was obsessive about it. I could do nothing to reduce Dave's love of clutter, but I could make sure every inch was clean, polished, and disinfected. I knew inside I was cleaning a crime scene. It was of my making, and it made me very sad. I cried as I dusted, scrubbed, organized, and fretted over tiny details.

I was frozen when I found the dirty coke mirror. I stared at it. Seeing my reflection behind the residue of the drugs I was so in love with. This metaphor was stark. My reflection was obscured by drugs. Using had blurred who I was. In a flash, I cleaned that mirror. I doused it with disinfectant, then Windex, followed by a polishing cloth. I never looked at it while doing this, but I timidly peered into the new reflection once it was clean.

What I saw was a very sad, broken young girl, scared and alone.

I had done terrible things. I had betrayed a man that really did love me. I had betrayed myself at the same time. I knew what we had was special, but at that moment, I understood we were both damaged. We had enabled each other, but none of that excused the betrayal. As I stared at my reflection, the little girl looked back, and with no words spoken, she said, none of this was you. You must find your true self. We need you. Talk about epiphanies.

I put the mirror away. I realized by looking into it had also killed any desire I had to get high. I got a text from Dave. He was on his way. Instantly nervous, I finished cleaning, put on coffee, sat on the couch, and then over the table. I stood, paced back to the sofa, and finally sat at the table. There was no comfortable spot. I waited until I heard the key loudly open the lock to the blue steel door. Courage and honesty, I said to myself.

Showdown at the Loft

I walked into the living room, reminding myself to breathe. Melissa was sitting at the dining room table. No makeup, hair in a ponytail, small white t-shirt, and jeans. Her brown eyes were puppy dog sad; she was so beautiful, my heart skipped a beat and almost stopped. Deep breath. Pursed lips.

"Hey" was all I said. Melissa smiled back at me.

I had a cooler with some fresh fish from the morning catch. I walked to the kitchen and asked her if she was hungry.

"Whatcha got?"

I told her I had fresh Walleye. She didn't ask where I got it. She nodded. I put my bag in the bedroom, then did my thing in the kitchen. It would be a simple fish fry. Cooking for people was my love talk. I had learned this from my mother, and food was special for me. This was the perfect indirect action for both of us. The very ritual made us less nervous.

We had some small talk. I told Melissa I returned to the resort and fished the entire lake. I told her the hostess asked about where she was. Her eyes welled with tears, but she kept it together. She told me she was with her parents. The whole ritual was strained civility.

We sat and ate the fish I had cut into nuggets, flour dusted with added parmesan cheese, and then pan-fried in butter with a touch of salt and pepper. Lemon was a garnish, and we ate with our fingers. It was good to see her eat more than two. We finished the entire batch in minutes.

She sat back and said, as a matter of fact, "I've stopped using."

"I've heard, and that makes me happy, Melissa; it really does."

With this lingering in the air, she said, "I'm not seeing Ryan anymore."

My jaw clenched. I silently recited the serenity prayer, chuckling, thinking, and wisdom to know the difference.

"I bet he's not happy with that." She looked down at the table, and I added, "That's a lot to give up, Melissa; you sure about that?"

She knew exactly what I was referring to, and it was awkward, to say the least.

"I never loved him. I only love you, Dave." Tears flowed.

I wanted to hug her and protect her from the pain. Denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance all cascaded through me.

"Well, not a very impressive way to show love, Mel." I landed on anger. In my mind, I swore I heard her say it was only sex! I shook my head and said, "There is no coming back from that."

She looked at me and said, "I know, but I need to say some things to you."

I then landed on denial. Could I forget this ever happened? Erase what happened?

Melissa grabbed my hands, and I pulled them away and sat back with my arms crossed. Angry tears were coming. I was always the one to talk. Not this time. I just waited.

With red and swollen eyes, she looked at me in the eyes. She did not flinch. She squared her shoulders. God, they were beautiful, I thought.

"I'm so ashamed, Dave. I'm so sorry I betrayed you. That I disrespected you and cheated on you." She paused and then said, "I'm broken, Dave. I need help, and I've surrendered to this for the first time in my life. If I could take it all back, I would. These last two years have been the best of my life, and now, these last months are the worst."

I was still angry, but Grace snuck back, knowing it was no small thing she had waived a white flag. We might be over, but something good could come of this. I still had questions.

"How long have you been seeing Ryan, Melissa?"

"Around two months or less. He was coming into the store before that."

I pondered this and tried to trust her. "Did Cathy know?"

Melissa froze a little, then reminded herself of honesty. "Yes, she knew."

That fucking bitch, and I thought she was on my side. "I guess I didn't pass the Cathy test after all." Melissa could see my anger.

"She was trying to get me to end it. She was warning me. Trying to help me." She paused and added, "I was ending it with him last weekend."

I actually laughed, "Well, that was quite the breakup then! Look, I called and texted you that I was coming home early. As far as I was concerned, you staged the whole thing. It looked like a breakup scene for the ages! From my vantage point, you can understand that it didn't look like you were breaking up with him!"

Melissa was a very bright shade of red. She looked down at the table and said nothing. Again, I said nothing. After some silence, Melissa said in a quiet voice.

"I left my phone at the loft, and when we got back, it was dead. Ryan hid the phone from me, Dave. He hid it from me so I wouldn't see the alerts."

Oh great, I thought. So, I asked. "Did he come down and go on dates with you often, Melissa? How many of our friends knew about this? Did you take him to the same places we went to? How many times did you fuck him here? Did fuck him in OUR BED? How many times, Melissa? How many times did you give me sloppy seconds?"

I was really getting angry now. I was fuming and wanted to punch the wall. I had a temper, but I'd learned to control it. Right now, I was furious. I just sat there and stared at Melissa as she looked at the table. She would freeze here. I knew the routine now. This was a total waste of fucking time.

Then, she looked up. Tears welled in her bloodshot eyes. In a quiet yet firm voice, she said. "That was the one and only time. We didn't go anywhere that people knew us, and I didn't fuck him in our bed. I only saw him when you were away and never wanted to give you sloppy seconds. I wish I'd never fucked him. Especially here. In our space. Or have him touch our things or your bass. It broke my heart, but I was drunk and high. I wasn't thinking." She paused but never wavered and kept looking me in the eyes.

"I had convinced myself we had an open relationship, that you were fucking that marketing chick and other girls while you were on the road." She paused, still determined. "It was a lie. I know that now. I lied to myself."

"I didn't fuck anyone. I'd never been so happy in a relationship. Against all the odds, I thought we had something, Mel."

She looked at me, and she knew I was telling the truth. I also thought back, and it was apparent she kept her time with Ryan mostly while I was away, and since I never suspected her, she never really lied to me. Simply because I never directly asked her are you fucking other men and women when I am away? Not that it mattered, as the lies of omission were huge.

"Melissa, why did you say yes when I asked you to marry me?"

Her upright, confident pose deflated, and sadness returned to her face. She looked down at the table, then quickly looked at me and said, "Because I want to marry you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

Before she could say anything more, I interjected, "But in an open marriage, with the freedom to fuck women and men with rather large cocks, because obviously, my little dick was not enough for you."

There it was. The proverbial elephant, or should I say horse, in the room. There was no escaping this, even though I'd already decided that there was nothing I could be about being victim to the porn dick cuckold cliché.

"Do you want me to be your full-time Sugar Daddy but also have some well-hung men your age to keep you excited and satisfied on the side? Is this what will make you happy?"

I thought this would turn her complete turtle, but I was surprised when she squared those eloquent shoulders, her brown eyes turned to fire, and that personal wind machine came back, making her hair move in slow motion. She was full Irish girl right then and was spoiling for a fight.

"No! Fuck you, Dave. I don't want a Sugar Daddy. You've never been that to me. The fucked up thing right now is I know it is real for me. Real for us. We both have this connection, and I never wanted to lose you. I never wanted to leave you. Then, the moment of truth, she thought. She could never tell Dave that part of the reason she had an affair with Ryan was learning about his huge cock. It was ridiculous but exciting at the same time. She had promised herself not to lie but had to if she ever wanted a chance.

"It was not about his dick Dave. I didn't know he was that endowed. I'm not a size queen. Let's get this in the open, I was a sex worker, and I'm very good at pleasing men. Ryan's dick was ridiculous, and he never made me cum once. Your cock is perfect for me, and you make me cum!"

I laughed inside; she just gave me the dreaded your cock is perfect line. I briefly considered the truth of what she said. Yes, I knew beyond a doubt she had orgasms with me, but I also heard what I heard and saw what I saw. There is no way a guy that endowed would not give her some serious pleasure and orgasms. She was lying to me.

"Too big, huh?"

She maintained eye contact and quickly said, "Yes!"

Melissa was nervous, but she was telling the truth. Ryan was too big. It's fun and exciting but not for the long term. She was now walking proof of the "boyfriend dick" cliché. The whole affair now made her sick. This was something most men could never get past. For whatever reason, men just thought it was all about their dicks. For a woman, it was about everything. She knew she would never have a lasting connection with Ryan and that Dave was the guy for her. Her feelings for him were about everything. Sadly, most men just thought about their dicks. Cathy was right, she was fucked.

I looked at her. Grace fought with anger and was bargaining between the two. I knew this was not just that guy's big dick. She would not be here if that was the case or the deal breaker. She would not have surrendered and decide to get clean. To have the courage to force herself out of her protective shell.

I still needed details. All of them. I was scared they fucked without protection. "Why didn't you use protection, Melissa?"

She closed her eyes. That was stupid. She knew this but had to tell the truth. "We did most times, but sometimes the condom would break, and we got carried away. Like that night here."

"Was he exclusive with you? Did he love you?"

"No, he fucked his ex and any number of women." she paused. "And yes, he was in love with me. It was a big reason I was ending it with him."

I took this in, realized she should get tested and feared she might get pregnant. All of that made me rage inside. Rage and despair. I clenched my fists under the table and felt like I was in a no-win situation. However, this was not who I was, and there was always a solution to any problem. You just needed a plan.

Honesty first, I thought.

"Mel, I still love you. I cannot stop this. I can't just turn it off. You broke my heart, but I can't truly hate you. I am choosing to hold that feeling and trust our first two years were as I believe they were. However, I don't know if I can get beyond this. I do know one good thing has happened. I am putting my sobriety and health first. It comes before everything right now. I know we enabled each other. I'm sorry about that. I really am. I know you are young but have also made this decision. That took courage, and I respect that deeply. This is my battleground now. Maybe it could be ours."

Melissa's heart expanded. He had chosen not to hate her. Of everything that could happen, she wanted that more than anything. She could feel the Grace between them. She had made the same choice he had. It would be enough. It had to be. No expectations. Just stay clean.

"Thank you, Dave. Just know that I will always love you."

With that, they both started crying softly. There was more to discuss, but for now, this was a first step they both agreed on. Each of them knew it was now, one day at a time.

"I'm going to go back to Mike and Charity's tonight. Can we talk again tomorrow?"

I nodded my head and smiled. She got up, we hugged, and the embrace lingered. Eventually, we both blushed. She helped me clean up and then left.

There were no demons in the loft. The couch was not doing anything. I turned on the TV and watched nothing important, just staying quiet and letting Grace hold me. An hour later, I got a call from Mike. We talked, and after the call, I thought about what he had said. A small smile crept on my face. She still loved me.

First Things First

Later that night, I went to a meeting. I was there when Mike and Melissa arrived. She looked at me and smiled shyly. Mike said something to her and walked over to me. Melissa then talked to Shirley, and they eventually sat together. This made me happy as Shirley was force to reckon with. Ten years and fierce when young woman made it to the rooms. She was also an empath, so I knew they would get along.

Mike gave me a hug. I looked at him, and nothing needed to be said. We knew what took place here. So we sat and took strength from the fellowship. Mel got up and took another white key tag. I was so proud I cried softly, and Mike just smiled. After, Melissa and I talked while everyone smoked and vaped. Men were hovering around Melissa, but Shirley sent them all the 'stay away from the newcomer's' glare. Mike and she had talked, and she was OK with the two of us standing there.

I wanted to ask her what she thought, but I knew this was her journey. I just said, "I'm proud of you, Mel. That took courage."

Mike invited me over to their house. I went and had a late dinner that Charity had cooked. The four of us laughed and kept things simple. Mel and I kept sneaking looks at each other. When anger was forming inside me, I decided to leave. I gave everyone a hug, Mel last and went back to the loft.

The weeks went by, and we both stayed clean. Work was going great for me. Stuart was the best boss, but after I got thirty days, we talked, and I moved to Marketing. His door was always open. Eve and I became a formidable team. Our friendship grew, and I often stayed with her and Peter when I was at the head office. We never crossed the line. They both knew I was healing.

Another thing that happened after I got thirty days. I'd been here before, so I was already enjoying the benefits. Four days later, Mel got her first thirty days. We had been slowly hanging out more. She stayed at the loft while I was away but at Mike and Charity's when I was home. Eye on the prize and all. That night was special. Shirley and Mel have become inseparable.

There were some tense moments in the first thirty days. Melissa wanted to be close, but I kept everything in the friend zone, with staying clean being the focus. I had steadily lost weight and recommitted to sport and physical health. Mel, on the other hand, has been gaining weight. She would always be tall and slim but no longer looked anorexic.

We had arguments. There was a time when Mel got dark and was very distant. I had half expected her to either leave the rooms or see her pick up a new white key tag. Regardless of all this, she made thirty days. Our closeness was observed, and some of the single men complained to Shirley that I was breaking the newcomer rule about no relationships until you got clean time. She pointed out that we were already in a relationship, so that rule did not apply.

Then it happened.

Melissa on the Pink Cloud

I missed being with Dave so much. I missed sleeping with him and waking to have a quiet coffee in the morning. The Sunday chill days. He was a morning person, and I was not, but that morning duel of moods was something I missed terribly. We saw each other often, and he even let me stay at the loft when he was on the road.

One of those times, I had a close call as I bumped into JJ in the hallway. I got slammed with the desire to use. She asked if Dave and I were back together. I said no, but we were talking and spending time together. I was shocked that I didn't tell JJ I'd stopped using. This scared me. I called my new sponsor, Shirley, and had a long talk.

During my second week of being clean, I realized my period was late. At first, I was joyous that I could be pregnant. Then, it hit me like a sledgehammer. I could not be sure who the father was. I was two weeks overdue and freaking out. I couldn't tell Dave, but when Ryan texted me, in a panic, I replied and asked him to meet me.

The minute I saw him, my pussy got instantly wet. That made me furious. He was the last person I had sex with and the last person I wanted to have sex with. The sudden wave of sexual memories really made me feel ashamed. I hated him, and this showed in my mood. As usual, he was charming and said all the right things. I could tell now that he was good at this, and even though he had feelings for me, I knew he did this with any woman he wanted to bed.

"You miss me, Melissa? You miss my big cock, don't you?"

"Ryan, I might be pregnant."

This stopped him in his tracks, and the right things quickly became wrong. What a jerk, I thought.