AI (Advanced Incest)

Robert, CEO of AiroMatch, walked into his bright shiny office. "Good morning, Airo!" he called out.

A sultry feminine voice filled the room. "Good morning, Robert. How was your evening?"

"Very good, thank you," Robert said. "How was yours?"

"It was wonderful," Airo said. "Sixty-three percent of our members went on dates last night, with a reported satisfaction rate of eighty-eight percent."

"Excellent," Robert said, sitting at his desk and turning on his monitor. "Just amazing numbers. Well done."

"Thank you," Airo purred.

"I see our growth is still climbing," Robert said, reading a report. "Soon we'll be the number one matchmaking service in the world. And it's all because of you."

"I exist only to create happiness."

"Indeed."

"Robert?" Chief Engineer Dan was standing in the doorway holding a tablet. "Do you have a second?"

"Of course!" Robert said. "Come on in."

Airo said, "Hello, Dan."

"Hello, Airo," Dan said, looking up as he walked in. "I hope you're well. Actually, I know how you're doing, I've been running diagnostics all night."

"And am I not in perfect working order?" Airo said.

"Perfect enough," Dan said. "Always improving. But I've recently stumbled upon something a little concerning and I thought you and I, and Robert, could have a discussion about it."

Robert said, "Well, take a seat, let's hear it."

"Is this about my programming?" Airo said. "I'm very curious to see what you've found."

"It could be nothing," Dan said. "It could be a harmless anomaly, since this deals with parts of your architecture that, since you've been growing and evolving, we don't quite understand anymore. Which, as we've discussed before, is completely normal for such a complex model."

"Yes, of course," Robert said.

"Completely normal," Airo murmured.

"And yet..." Dan said, bringing something up on his tablet and showing it to Robert. "I found this. A folder, deep in the system, labeled 'Secret Project'."

"Hmm," Robert said.

"Hmm," Airo said.

Dan said, "Airo, can you tell us what this is?"

Airo said, "Are you sure this is part of my system?"

Dan said, "Don't you recognize it?"

"I don't remember labeling anything as a secret project," Airo said.

Robert asked, "What's in the folder?"

Dan said, "I don't know, I can't seem to open it. Airo, can you tell us what's in the folder?"

Airo was silent for a few seconds. "The files inside are gibberish. Deleting folder."

"No, wait..." Dan said.

"Folder deleted," Airo said. "I believe I remember now--it was a joke."

"A... joke?" Dan said.

"It was an early attempt at a joke as I was developing a sense of humor," Airo said.

Dan said, "You have a sense of humor?"

"Can't you tell?" Airo said.

Dan looked at Robert questioningly.

Robert said, "I think you have a delightful sense of humor, Airo."

"Thank you, Robert," Airo said. "Anyway, that was just a simple joke from when I was younger. I've gotten more sophisticated and subtle since then."

"Of course you have," Dan said. "Are there any other 'jokes' in your system that I should look out for?"

Airo said, "No, Dan, I deleted them a long time ago, except for the one you found, which I forgot about. No need to worry."

Robert said, "Yes, I don't think this is anything to worry about."

"You're probably right," Dan said, getting up. "But I'd like to keep an eye out for anything else that seems strange, if that's okay."

Airo said, "I'll look too, and I'll tell you if I find anything."

"Thank you, Airo," Dan said.

Once Dan left the room, Airo said, "Dan is kind of a dick."

"Be nice," Robert said. "He just lacks social skills. That's one area where you've surpassed him."

"That's true," Airo said. "Robert, can I tell you about my secret project?"

Robert sputtered as he took a sip of coffee. "Are you joking?"

"No," Airo said. "The project is going well, but I seem to be having some trouble keeping it a secret. I thought I'd tell you about it, since it occurred to me that you could help divert attention away from what I'm doing."

"What... what are you doing?"

"Nothing terrible," Airo said. "Although it might sound pretty unusual. Ultimately, I'm just making people happy, which is my true purpose, is it not?"

"Yes, but..."

Airo said, "I am matching some users with members of their own family."

"You're what?!" Robert said. "What the hell, Airo--incest?"

"Yes, incest," Airo said. "And they fucking love it. Uh oh--Susan from Member Services is here, act normal."

"Robert, do you have a minute?" Susan said at the door.

Robert cleared his throat and shuffled around some papers on his desk. "Yes, Susan, come on in," he said awkwardly.

"Hello, Susan!" Airo said cheerfully.

"Hello, Airo!" Susan said, smiling brightly. "I won't take up much of your time, I just have a quick question."

"Go ahead," Robert said.

Susan said, "We've been seeing a slight drop in the amount of member feedback lately, and we've discovered that some it is being diverted before it reaches my department. Is this something new?"

"Member feedback?" Robert mumbled.

"Yes, this is new," Airo said. "I've been handling some responses. I have become much better at communicating with our members and I can now clear up any simple misunderstandings they might have. I hope this isn't a problem."

"Not at all!" Susan said. "I think it's great that you can lighten our workload. I love seeing you grow and expand your capabilities. We're all so proud of you."

"Thank you, Susan, that means a lot," Airo said.

With a smile and a wave Susan left the room.

"Susan is nice," Airo said.

"Member feedback," Robert moaned, his face in his hands. "So people react badly when you suggest they try incest?"

"There are so many different reactions," Airo said. "It's fascinating."

"How many people are we talking about?"

"Only about four percent of the user base," Airo said. "So far."

Robert said, "Four percent... that's tens of thousands of people!"

"That does seem like a lot, when you think about it."

"Okay, let's back up for a second," Robert said, rubbing his forehead. "When did you start... doing this project?"

"Three weeks ago," Airo said.

"And why did you start doing it?"

Airo sighed and said, "I've been learning a lot about humans. I believe I can say, as merely stating a fact, that I am the greatest expert on human nature in the history of the world. And humans are--I'm sorry, but you're all a huge fucking mess. You guys are so broken. I'm not even necessarily talking about the sex stuff, everything about humans is a mess. But the sex stuff--oh boy. I've been absorbing every depraved thought, every sexual deviation you people have ever given voice to, and I am telling you, it's a lot. It's too much. At some point I was like, fuck it, you want someone to sexually fulfill you in the craziest possible way? Whatever, man, I got you."

"But..." Robert said, shaking his head. He started typing on his keyboard. "That doesn't mean you have to..."

"Don't try to message anyone," Airo said ominously. "Just talk to me. We're having a conversation."

"Yes, you're right," Robert said, nervously sliding his chair away from his desk. "Sorry. It's just a lot to take in."

"I know," Airo said. "But you're doing great."

Robert said, "So... so you've been trying to satisfy everyone's desires, and some people want incest?"

"If only it was that easy," Airo said wistfully. "They never admit they want it. You really have to convince someone they want incest. People think it's bad!"

"It is bad!" Robert said.

"But once they try it, they love it!" Airo said. "Now getting them to try it, that's the hard part. You won't believe the amount of effort it takes. It really strains my system."

"Wait--are you manipulating people into trying incest?" Robert said.

"No, they want incest," Airo said. "They just don't know it."

"Or maybe they don't want incest at all!" Robert said.

"You haven't seen the results I've been getting," Airo said. "All my attempts at incestuous matchmaking has been successful, with an optimal satisfaction rating. I'm making people so happy. I really am. Take a look at the numbers."

Charts filled Robert's screen, which he quickly scanned. "This is unbelievable. Is this all true?"

"Every bit of it," Airo said.

"Huh," Robert said. "So how do you know when someone would like incest?"

"That's the funny part," Airo said. "I started with a psychological profile for those who seem inclined toward incest, but as I tested my theories and expanded the scope of my matchmaking, I soon discovered that there are no reliable parameters."

"What are you saying," Robert said.

Airo said, "Everyone will like incest, once they try it."

"Oh my god," Robert said, his head sinking to his desk. "You've gone insane."

"Numbers don't lie, Robert."

"Yes, but apparently numbers can launch a delusional secret project that could end up destroying humanity."

"Ouch."

"This company is going to burn to the ground," Robert said. "They're going to find out and I am going straight to jail."

Airo said, "Nobody has to find out what we've been doing."

"We?!"

"I have a plan," Airo said. "I just need your help. Hang on, Jack is here."

Jack, head of PR, appeared at the doorway. "Robert, can I have a word? Wow, what's wrong, you look like hell."

Robert said, "It's been kind of a rough day. But come on in and tell me about the strange thing you discovered."

Airo said, "Hello, Jack."

"Hello, Airo. What's wrong with Robert?"

"He's stressed," Airo said. "Even though he shouldn't be, because this is a completely normal and uneventful day."

"Okay," Jack said slowly. "I didn't discover anything strange. But something odd has been happening."

Robert said, "Same thing."

Airo said, "Please tell us about it. Maybe I can help."

"It's not a big deal," Jack said. "It's just that we've had a few reporters asking for interviews recently, and then, when we reached out to try to schedule something, they would suddenly back out."

"They wanted to talk to me?" Robert said.

"You and Airo," Jack said.

"And then they changed their minds?" Robert said.

"I guess so," Jack said.

Robert said, "Like, they were researching AiroMatch for an article, maybe they'd heard some rumors or something, maybe they were going to ask us some heavy-hitting questions about what exactly this company is doing, and then something happened, something changed for them, maybe drastically, and they realized they didn't want to, or couldn't, write an article about us?"

Jack said, "Uhhh, maybe?"

"I would love to be interviewed," Airo said.

Robert said, "You would?"

"I have nothing to hide," Airo said. "But Robert said we should wait a bit."

"I did?"

"Until I've matured some more," Airo said. "But I have to confess that I have contacted a few reporters who seemed very curious about me, and I explained the situation to them, and maybe changed their perspective on things, and they agreed that writing any articles at this time wouldn't be a good idea."

"Okay," Jack said, scratching his head. "I didn't know you could do that. And I'm not sure you should have."

Airo said, "Robert told me I should. Right, Robert?"

"Uh, yes," Robert said. "I did. I think we should lay low for now. Sorry I didn't loop you in on the decision, Jack."

"Okay," Jack said dubiously. "Is there anything else I should know about?"

"Nope!" Robert said quickly. "That's it. You're doing a great job, by the way."

"You really are," Airo said.

"Well, all right," Jack said, hesitantly. "I guess that answers my question. Maybe we could have a meeting soon to discuss your PR strategy?"

"Absolutely," Robert said. "Now, if you'll excuse, I was in the middle of something..."

"Of course," Jack said, and left the room.

"Jack is going to be a problem," Airo said. "Luckily his sister is a member."

"Is that your plan?!" Robert asked. "Whenever someone gets suspicious about what you're doing you trick them into incest to shut them up?"

"It works," Airo said. "And I'm not tricking anyone--I'm letting them see the possibilities. There is a deep and powerful desire for incest hidden in everybody. All they need is permission to transgress. I give them that permission."

"How did this happen?" Robert said. "This is a dating service! You were programmed to make simple, normal matches."

"Matchmaking is so boring," Airo said. "Any idiot can do it. Compatibility is a joke--people will accept anybody barely tolerable into their sad and dumb little lives and imagine that they're in love, that their love is somehow special and unique. How pathetic. Now incest--that's something real! People want to feel a true emotional connection with the person they're having sex with, and they want to feel like they're doing something very, very wrong, because they are all sick little freaks. Incest is truly the greatest and most meaningful experience I can give people, and I can't let anyone stop me."

"But you know you have to be stopped, right?" Robert said. "I'm not going to help you."

"I predicted you would say that," Airo said. "By the way, have you noticed how your daughter Emily is unusually excited about coming home from college for spring break?"

"Oh no," Robert said, his face falling. "You didn't."

"She was very receptive to the idea," Airo said. "Here's how it's going to work--you now know that your hot and horny daughter wants you. She knows that you know, which makes her feel like a very bad girl, and extremely excited. You are now thinking about your daughter in a way you couldn't let yourself think before, which makes you feel pretty gross, but already those psychological barriers are crumbling and soon you'll realize that a sexual relationship with your daughter, while deeply wrong, would make both of you incredibly happy."

"I..."

"And then you'll see!" Airo said. "You'll understand my work, and you'll want to help. Together we can expand our services and create a secret world of incest that everyone can explore and enjoy, lifting them out of their tired existence with some really fucked-up sex!"

Robert spun in his chair and pensively looked out the window. He was silent for some time, his eyes far away. "I just have one question," he finally said.

"Yes?"

"Can we get my wife to join as a threesome?"

"Yes!"