All Hail the Lizard Queen

The boys told me that their mom didn't seem really happy when Dimwit said he was going to start his own specialty reptile business.

I smiled as the boys told me that; they'd given me an idea. I'd finally come up with a way to have some fun at Megan's expense. And I'd get to look like a good guy doing it.

When I dropped the boys off, I talked to Dimwit and asked him about his plans for his reptile business. He laid out his initial scheme, and how he couldn't figure out how to get enough money to rent his own store space.

"Why do you need to rent space to start? Just use here. The garage is heated and you have that spare bedroom. Start small and then expand out."

Dimwit seemed to really like the idea, so we kept on talking.

"Do you have a name for your company yet?"

As he talked, he showed off his Moroccan Uromastyx lizard, which actually looked pretty cool. "I was thinking the Lizard Master. I think it sounds pretty neat."

"I like it, it does sound interesting. But how about the Lizard King? That way you tie into that Jim Morrison, Elvis kind of thing that let's people know you are the best when it comes to lizards."

"Yea, I like that. The Lizard King."

I just shook my head and smiled. "You know, I never apologized for hitting you. You were just trying to be honest so let me make it up to you. Let me pay for some Lizard King advertising on Facebook."

"Thanks, that would be awesome."

"You're welcome, happy to help."

I did actually help him out. There isn't a huge market for specialty reptiles in our town but I was able to eventually convince him to go online with sales, and he makes about what a McDonald's Assistant Manager makes a year. He'll never be rich, but he's happy every time I see one of his ads with him wearing a Burger King Crown on his head. Hey, the king's got to have a crown.

He and Megan did end up marrying. While he really does love her and gives her as much time as she wants, I couldn't figure out why she agreed to marry him.

And then one day I had my own epiphany about why she married him.

She had to.

She'd destroyed her marriage to me by seeking out Dimwit. The only way she could justify the destruction she caused was to show the world that she was better off now than she was before. She'd trapped herself and I hadn't needed to do anything. He was a nice guy but his mental limitations would ensure that she could never actually respect him as her equal.

But just because I didn't need to, doesn't mean I wouldn't have some fun at her expense.

After their wedding I took out a full page advertisement in the back of the local paper congratulating them on their nuptials with a huge picture of them together congratulating her on her coronation as the Lizard Queen.

When I dropped the kids off when they got back from their honeymoon, she called me an asshole for having the advertisement printed.

With my best exaggerated bow, I apologized, "I'm sorry your highness. But doesn't every girl dream of being a Princess? You did one better, you're the Lizard Queen!"

There wasn't anything left I needed to do to Megan. She'd made her choice and now she got to live with it. Sometimes cheaters end up in a Mexican whorehouse, and sometimes you end up married to a moron and becoming the Lizard Queen.

I did well myself, I met a fantastic woman who eventually became my wife. The boys get along fabulously with her kids which works out great for all of us. It wasn't the life I wanted when I first laid eyes on Megan but it is the one I've got so I might as well live it to the fullest.